Thanks everyone. I'm still nervous about all of this and yet I'm proud. I did it and yet nothing bad happened. He was angry and hurt before and I know he still is. But he was still sitting there after the ugly truth was on the table. I don't know how or even why. I've given him more than enough reason to kick me to the curb.
I know it doesn't mean we are together. He showed some affection, which I haven't seen from him in a while.(not blaming just stating a fact) He was kind enough to hear me out and even wants to keep talking about this. I didn't do this to win him back, that may not even be possible. It took a while but it finally sunk in. This isn't about me and what I want, but what he needs to either heal and feel safe again or to decide he has had enough.
So I sent him a email."SWAT70, first thing first. I'm sorry you had to go through that today. I would like you to know something. I appreciate what you did today. I know it was very difficult, it was for me. But I do appreciate your willingness to talk with me. Second, I'm sorry for all of the pain I've caused you. It isn't enough I know, but I am sorry. Lastly, I love you. I really do, I haven't shown it. But you have shown me unconditional love, I failed you and lost you. I lost your love and maybe worse of all your respect. But I want you to know I'm going to always work to show you how much all of that truly meant to me. Love, SS17"