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User Topic: Divorce or Counseling
ambush
♂ New Member
Member # 43387
Default  Posted: 7:02 AM, June 20th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was actually looking for a divorce, but even the lady I met at the attorney's office recommended trying counseling. My wife says she would consider it now but if she's still seeing the OM, wouldn't this be a waste of time and money?

Posts: 26 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Texas
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 7:43 AM, June 20th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The 180, as tushnurse mentioned, is an option between counseling and D.

For counseling, what are your goals? What are her goals? If they don't align, the only thing MC will do for you is perhaps help you understand what the conflicts are and show some ways to resolve them - but the resolution still needs both parties to want a mutually satisfactory resolution.

Of course, you could use MC to show you your W isn't a candidate for R ... but you still won't D until you're ready.

The 180 seems like your best bet by far, since you don't sound ready to D. (And there's nothing wrong with not being ready to D at this point.)


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10047 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Shockleader
♂ Member
Member # 36827
Default  Posted: 7:43 AM, June 20th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ambush. If she is still in contact, there is NO WAY IN HELL any counseling will be effective, NONE. Sure, some quack counselors will hand you the "the OM is just a symptom, you need to work on yourself to win her back"... BULLSHIT. She needs NC, and quit/relocate her job as the first steps toward any resolution, period.

I heard this from a MC, who I dropped on the spot. I told my ex cheater I will not have you at work with this POS, and if you don't have a plan/quit/relocate your job by x time, I will file for D. I said it deadpan serious, no anger, just matter of fact. Mind you at this time, my ex-POS simply claimed she was just interested in this scumbag, I had no idea of the true depth, all the incredible lies that it had already turned fully sexualized, etc... I didn't care, there was no way in hell I was going to live with the deceit, soul killing existence, and going against my moral code.

True to my word, she got served, and I am so glad I did it! I didn't care if I lived in a refrigerator box after D, getting away from the toxic situation, and trying to help my DD was all I cared about. Yep, the cost sucked. Seeing my ex-POS behavior was shocking, but now I look back and know my hand was forced, and no other option existed.

Please, PLEASE, file and have her served. You will feel relieved, and experience renewed strength that finally you are doing something to help yourself, and get on the road to a much better future.


D-Day spring 2012
Me BS 47
Xcheater 44
One DD 19
Married 23 years
Divorced 12/23/13 Fu*king A!

The cruel, the unkind, those without honor, feast on the tender heart...


Posts: 652 | Registered: Sep 2012
KeepOnMovin
♂ Member
Member # 38245
Default  Posted: 5:28 PM, June 20th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My wife says she would consider it now but if she's still seeing the OM, wouldn't this be a waste of time and money?
Yup!

We went to MC. My attorney suggested it. But she had no intention of changing. She was lying during MC, IC, to OM, to me. She just wanted to appear to be working on things and continued her affair(s).

So, yes it is a waste of time and money if she honestly does not intend to look inside herself and change.

My detailed story was on my old profile. i will add it back to my SI journal. you may find some similarities.

take care of yourself ambush. k


Me: BH
Her: who cares?
Married: 22 years
2 sons at home
1 son in college
Divorced on 9/4/14!
Often it's the deepest pain which empowers you to grow into your highest self.

Posts: 299 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Midwest
ambush
♂ New Member
Member # 43387
Default  Posted: 6:11 PM, June 21st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The problem for me is I don't want to lose my kids or even have partial custody. My WW is not the type that will look in the best interests of her children. She loves going shopping, drinking, etc and doesn't really like doing anything with the kids. But she's probably still want custody of them.

About four years ago, she got tossed in jail for public intoxication. It was supposed to be her day to pick up the kids, but before that she went drinking with a friend and they apparently were acting goofy enough for someone at the restaurant to call the police. I had to leave work early and pick up my two kids and keep an eye on them while working on bailing her out.

The lawyer's assistant told me this probably isn't relevant since it was so long ago. Seems like nothing she did before matters and nothing she does now matters. It's frustrating.


Posts: 26 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Texas
Badhurt
♂ Member
Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 6:42 PM, June 21st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ambush

Most MC worth anything will absolutely refuse to do MC when one partner is still engaging in the affair. So you are not going to accomplish anything but spending money and time while your wife has her boyfriend . If you continue with what you are doing your money would be better spent in IC for yourself to help you adjust to your current situation of being in an open marriage of your wife s choosing.
Your kids are not going to benefit from watching you be disrespected and humiliated. They will pick up on it for sure. Please stop using them as an excuse to remain in denial.
You can help yourself by facing the reality which is tough, and taking some action to change it.
If you don't she'll continue her affair while you chat with the MC


Posts: 1097 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 6:44 PM, June 21st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well ambush, if you don't do something then she will continue to cake-eat and live a alcoholic, care-free life with her boyfriend while you look after the kids.

Most employers won't tolerate affairs between employees because of the risk of litigation and the example it sets among the work-force in general. Worth having a word with HR to see if they can help. Often the re-assign wayward employees so they don't work the same shifts etc.

It sounds as if you are slipping into an acceptance mode. In that case your WW will continue to have affair after affair, until she leaves taking the kids with her and shacks up with an OM. You'll lose custody anyway someday soon. Act now while you have some control over the situation.


Posts: 1704 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
Schadenfreude
♂ Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 7:39 PM, June 21st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Find anther lawyer. The assistant is offering legal and marriage counseling advice. You can get that at the end of any bar in town from Norm and Cliff.

Waste of time and money to do MC where WS is still,actively in the affair.

180 if you're not prepared to file for divorce. She's a liar and a cheat.


Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
ambush
♂ New Member
Member # 43387
Default  Posted: 5:22 PM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I finally told my parents yesterday. It felt really good to unload everything I kept inside all these years. I told them I wanted a divorce. They, being old school, recommended counseling at a church. I haven't told my WW that they know and they haven't confronted her with it yet. They wanted to wait until we drive down to their place tomorrow to drop off the kids for a few weeks. I'm not sure if that's a good idea. I can see her feeling trapped like a caged animal. Should I just tell them to not mention it?

Posts: 26 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Texas
Topic Posts: 29
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