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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: XH is about to be homeless, should I help
Inalittlewhile
♀ New Member
Member # 37801
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

XH Is texting me constantly. His vehicle is about to be repossessed, he will have to move out of his apartment cuz he can't afford to pay rent anymore.

He has a job pending but his license is suspended cuz he owes back taxes. He asked to borrow $2500. Says he owes all of his family so they won't lend him anymore money. He has been struggling and teetering on the edge of homelessness for months now, he says.

Meanwhile on his social media pages, he is posing shirtless with numerous women at a pool party. He is an entertainer and says it's just a facade to promote his parties. Several pictures are women in various states of undress, objectified with only their arses in plain view. (He's an ass man).

Not to mention he has begged to come back home and do whatever it takes.

I actually feel sorry for him and was debating just giving him the money. All of my friends and family say don't help him. That he is a grown man and he has to figure his life out. That he had everything, and threw it away cuz he liked new strange.

He is begging his arse off to come back. How coincidental that it happened when he is just really really down on his luck.

Forgot to mention he admitted to seeing someone regularly. And has had unprotected sex with her. But of course he says that relationship is nothing and he wants his family back. Smh.

I have no desire to reconcile with this man! Is my sympathy normal though?How do I deal with the guilt if I don't help him? What do I do? What would u do?


Posts: 41 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Louisiana
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All of my friends and family say don't help him.
^^^I agree with them. He is a grown man and needs to learn to make better choices in life. Sometimes people need to hit rock bottom before they wake up and even then some of them don't wake up. You got out. He is no longer your problem. Don't invite the drama back into your life. From what you stated it's your EX has done nothing to resolve his issues. He might be saying the right things but his actions are SCREAMING the wrong things.

You have no reason to feel guilty. He is a grown man and brought all of this on himself by the choices HE made. Do NOT fall for the song and dance and pull yourself back into the craziness. If he truly wanted to come back he would get his act together first instead of reaching out to you only when he needs something.


There is nothing wrong with caring for someone you used to be close to but do it from afar.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 1:50 PM, June 17th (Tuesday)]


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
D hopefully official any day now, off to check the mail again.

Posts: 1899 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
doggiediva
♀ Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The last thing you should do is let him into your life now that he is down and out..

It is plainly obvious from what you wrote that your STBX is reaching out to you only because he wants to get food and shelter without making the effort it takes to build his own life....

That is what cake eaters do

Let him live in a homeless shelter until he finds out that he doesn't like it there..

Maybe being forced to live in a shelter or with his parents/grandparents (anywhere he would rather not live) will motivate him to do what it takes to get out there and make his own life a stable one...


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1171 | Registered: Nov 2011
trying_2_recover
♀ Member
Member # 28778
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Pure and simple manipulation. My ex uses the pity me form of it all the time. Once I caught him limping when I was in his sight and not limping when he didn't know I could still see him . I was on to him from that point on but he still try's to use it on me now an again even years after divorce. He hasn't figured out that I DON'T CARE.

You owe him nothing. Give him nothing. R is for those that do the work. What work has he done? Nothing from the sounds of it.


Posts: 224 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Washington
MyTurnATL
♀ Member
Member # 28856
Default  Posted: 1:25 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I first divorced, I enjoyed paying bills because every month it was validation that I could make it on my own.

One of my grown children has made some bad choices in life and I have opened the checkbook to rescue them on numerous occasions. About a year ago, it occurred to me that by rescuing them, I was giving them the message that they couldn't do it, and I was denying them the empowerment of figuring it out on their own, so I closed the checkbook, and you know what? They figured it out on their own. It wasn't easy, it wasn't without mistakes on their part, but they figured it out and now they know they can make it on their own.

You ex can figure it out too. Don't bail him out and give him the opportunity to do so.


Posts: 453 | Registered: Jun 2010
Tearsoflove
♀ Member
Member # 8271
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great, he's an entertainer. You know what lots of entertainers do to keep from being homeless? They get a second job. That's where he should be instead of at pool parties- waiting tables or slinging fries. If you give him money, you're just enabling him to get by for another couple months and then he's asking you for money again just like he tried to do with his family. Learn from their lesson. Don't give it to him.


"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand." ~Homer Simpson


Posts: 4033 | Registered: Sep 2005
Schadenfreude
♂ Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry for him, but I guess the entertainment business isn't working out too well financially, but it has GREAT fringe benefits for him.

You have a spare $2500? Because you'll never see it again.

Tell him he fired you from the job of being his support system.
And suggest that one of his many conquests may be willing to do what you're not willing to do.

You're not his family any more. Why take on a burden of being his family and sole support?


Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
hurtbs
♀ Member
Member # 10866
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All of my friends and family say don't help him. That he is a grown man and he has to figure his life out.

And in my experience, if family stops lending someone money then you know they are a deadbeat. It took my father not paying me back thousands of dollars before I put my foot down and refused to give him any more money.

I would suggest not only telling him a firm no, but refuse to engage with him in these types of conversations.

I could see you wanting to help him out if he suddenly had a major cancer diagnosis and had to spend thousands of dollars a month on treatment, but he's just being an idiot.

[This message edited by hurtbs at 1:42 PM, June 17th (Tuesday)]


Me BW Him XSAWH
DDays 2006, and then numerous more
Divorced 2012

"In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate." - Asimov
"Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you." - Ovid


Posts: 15318 | Registered: Jun 2006
Inalittlewhile
♀ New Member
Member # 37801
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My first thoughts were that if he had any desire to be a different person, his actions would reflect that.

This is not the first time he has asked me for money, and I must admit that I have helped him since we divorced. Then something will happen where I see that I'm just a safe haven for him.

I was always the breadwinner in our relationship. He lived a life of leisure and didn't appreciate it.

What's worse is that he tells anyone who asks that I emasculated him, and talked to him like a child. As If that was to blame for our demise.

I know the relationship is over. But my inclination has always been to rescue him and to make all his problems go away. I did this all thru our marriage, almost to my financial detriment

Even now, he pays no child support or anything else of any kind. He has given me only $200 in 18 months. I never ask him for anything! Yet, when he tells me he is struggling, my soft heart just wants to help him.


Posts: 41 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Louisiana
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You aren't helping him by giving him money, honey. As long as you (or anyone else) bails him out, he doesn't have to figure out how to support himself.

That's how you combat any (codependent?) guilt about not giving him money - by knowing that you are doing him a real favor by making him face life.


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25073 | Registered: Aug 2011
EvenKeel
♀ Member
Member # 24210
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your D is final and you are free from him. Please do not keep enabling him. It just invites crazy back into your world.

Block his number or, at the very least, stop texting with him.

If the text is about your kids, that is one thing but his "poor me" life now is not your responsibility.

I vote for not responding and not looking at his social media pages.

Break free my friend....


Eyes are useless if the mind is blind.


Posts: 2061 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Pa
Inalittlewhile
♀ New Member
Member # 37801
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Now he is telling me that he has nothing to live for. He is suggesting that he is suicidal.

Posts: 41 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Louisiana
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He is manipulating you. If you really fear for his life, call the police about it. But he is using you. He is counting on being able to manipulate you to get what he wants. Fuck. That.

You are a good person and so you are worried. But you didn't do this to him. He did it to himself.

It is not your responsibility to save him anymore.

Focus on YOU. He can figure his shit out, or not. It just isn't your problem anymore.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4089 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
dmari
♀ Member
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Call the police and have them do a check. Give him the suicide hotline number. He is manipulating you.


Me (BS): 42 Children: DD 18, DS 15
Settled at mediation
Officially divorced ... SOON!

Posts: 2146 | Registered: Oct 2012
Inalittlewhile
♀ New Member
Member # 37801
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I actually had not looked at his social
Media pages ever until he came with the woe is me stuff. It took some finagling cuz I am still blocked from his most active acct, but surely as a L, I can get around that. Lol.

Once I was considering helping, I looked to confirm whether his posts lined up with what he was saying.

Clearly, it did not.


Posts: 41 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Louisiana
WeepingBuddhist
♀ Member
Member # 39139
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you know his location, tell the police you think he may be a danger to himself. Give him the number for the suicide prevention hotline (800-273-8255). Wish him the best.


Me: BS 46
Him: unimportant
D Day:4-27-13
DIVORCED!!! 2-20-14

Posts: 560 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Columbus
Inalittlewhile
♀ New Member
Member # 37801
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just gave him the number and I will call the police if his texts get worse. When he tried this before, his own best friend told me to call police for him but don't get involved myself because I have always been his safety net.

Posts: 41 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Louisiana
Inalittlewhile
♀ New Member
Member # 37801
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am also no longer responding to any communication.

Posts: 41 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Louisiana
WeepingBuddhist
♀ Member
Member # 39139
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know it must be hard but you have done all you can for him.


Me: BS 46
Him: unimportant
D Day:4-27-13
DIVORCED!!! 2-20-14

Posts: 560 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Columbus
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When he tried this before, his own best friend told me to call police for him but don't get involved myself because I have always been his safety net.
Listen to your friends and family, hon. They are right on target.

I mentioned the codependent thing before because I think it's worth you reading up on it. It's something I've struggled with myself, so I understand the pull to help and the guilt if you don't.

((((hugs))))


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25073 | Registered: Aug 2011
Topic Posts: 36
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