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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Trend to become wayward around age 40
familyfirst
♀ Member
Member # 42651
Stop  Posted: 2:25 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know there is a lot of variation in WS's age, but I'm wondering if I see a bit of a trend for A's to occur around age 40? Does anyone else notice that?

Posts: 223 | Registered: Mar 2014
WalkinOnEggshelz
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Member # 29447
Default  Posted: 5:41 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think it's necessarily an age but more of a stage in life. I feel like there is this timeline that we all kind of try to live by. School, dating, marriage, buy the house, have the kids. But there is this weird empty space between have the kids and grow old together. The beginning is so busy and productive, full of accomplishments. It's easy to be distracted by all the things that happen in life to really notice how much dysfunction is there. And then things settle.

You go to work everyday, take care of the kids everyday, cook dinner everyday, clean up everyday, and do it all over, everyday. The dysfunction no longer has places to hide in the routine of life. Dynamics have been formed and resentments start building. And you look at your life and think, well this is not how I imagined it. Things start needing some work. Some attention.

Depending on what your specific issues are, will depend on how that aspect of life is approached. Healthy people will work on the M and themselves. And we all know the road that unhealthy people can take.

There are other dynamics such as moms going back to work, infidelity all over the media, and more entitlement. But honestly, I think you are more aware of it because you are now part of that statistic. When you are a hammer, everything looks like a nail. I think it has been happening all along. People talk about it more openly now. But realistically would you ever realize that a website such as SI even existed if you weren't a WS?

So is it a trend? I'm not sure. I guess the best question is to ask why are you asking? Curiosity? Or reasons for where you find yourself today? If it's the latter, you will need to look deeper than your age.


Me: WS 42
Him: BH 43(HoldingTogether)
M: 18years, together 22
2 Daughters: 13 and 10
D Day: 7/24/2010; TT to 10/17/10
If you keep asking people to give you the benefit of the doubt, they will eventually start to doubt your benefit.

Posts: 736 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
20WrongsVs1
♀ Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 6:27 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What WOES said, especially:

I guess the best question is to ask why are you asking? Curiosity? Or reasons for where you find yourself today? If it's the latter, you will need to look deeper than your age.

Is it a trend? Shrug. Turning 40 is certainly an excuse I used to justify my A's. But there's no causal relationship between age and infidelity.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1236 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
scaredsorry
New Member
Member # 39281
Default  Posted: 8:20 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think for women, this is the age. I was 37 when things started to go crazy. It was def the start of a MLC for me. I think women have them earlier than men. I had a career, a wonderful husband, terrific children, friends - in other words, everything. But I felt like I had hit all my milestones and had nothing to look forward to. I have a hard time just being.

[This message edited by scaredsorry at 8:21 PM, June 17th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 9 | Registered: May 2013
somethingremorse
♂ Member
Member # 42047
Default  Posted: 7:59 AM, June 18th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The stage in life that WOES mentioned applies to me. I was 39-40 when I started. But it wasn't age. The kids were starting to get busy. We had (and have) a very child-centered life. Work was kind of stagnant. I felt really pushed to the side, insignificant. These all happen to a lot of us. Rather than deal with it in a positive way, I escaped into fantasy.

Both of my APs were 28-30, FWIW.


Me: WH (42)
DDay 11/03/13
In MC and IC

Posts: 633 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Pennsylvania
SoSorry17
♀ Member
Member # 43415
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, June 18th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I was 38 at the time of my affair. Been with BH thirteen years and married for ten. I was the mom and wife. That was how I got identified. I think there are several factors leading the my affair. I was bored, I'm an attention seeker and need to be the focus of what ever is going on around me. I recently realized I've never enforced any boundaries with men. Though I've only ever had the one PA, I likely had several "mini" EA's. Meaning I would have conversations about totally in appropriate things with male "friends", cause we can all have friends of the opposite sex, right?


BH-SWAT70 Me-39
Three kids 11,6 and 3
He did file for divorce, the marriage will be ended 10/23/14.

Posts: 241 | Registered: May 2014
She-Ra
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Member # 36033
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, June 18th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had my As at 31 so I don't quite fit into that "40.. After kids and married for 10+ years trend" in this discussion. However with that being said SS17 brought up a good point about having bad boundaries prior to her actual A.

At first I blamed my As on my first one. Like if I didn't go out that night, this never would have happened. Blamed in on "drinking the Koolaid" the first time and getting the taste of enjoying the act of having an affair.

So let's say I didn't go out that night and stayed faithful to my hubby for 8-9 more years... The bad boundaries I had would still be there. I would have had an affair at one point or another anyways because of my broken thinking. So maybe the "trend" of the 40 year old having an A is just a domino effect from years of bad boundaries until the perfect storm hits.


WW/BW 33 BH/WH 34
1 year old beautiful daughter

Posts: 859 | Registered: Jul 2012
finallyfree2011
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Member # 37998
Default  Posted: 4:27 PM, June 18th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep 37 when it all started.

I had been wife and mom for a long time. Plus I had just got in really good shape for the first time in my life and was feeling really good about myself when xap came along and started stroking my ego. Sadly I returned the favor and stroked his ego (among other things) for the next 4 years.

I changed during that time and spent all my free time with my new found single friends instead of doing family and kid things.

I was having the time of my life but my family was falling apart. My daughter was having panic attacks every time I went out. My son became withdrawn and my BH was in a constant state of WTF is going on.

When I finally got my head out of the clouds and tried to end things with xap, BH found out anyway and D Day was devastating.

Luckily BH gave me a 2nd chance and said there wouldn't be a 3rd chance if I ever saw or talked to xap again. 3 years out and we are making it but sometimes I see the damage in my kids and know its because of the lost years I threw away.

Sucks to know my MLC caused it



Me - WS
H - BH

D day - July 2011 after a 4 year relationship with OM

Reconciled and renewed our vows on our 22 Anniversary in June 2012


Posts: 64 | Registered: Jan 2013
familyfirst
♀ Member
Member # 42651
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, June 19th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So many great thoughts! Thanks for responding.

I had a career, a wonderful husband, terrific children, friends - in other words, everything. But I felt like I had hit all my milestones and had nothing to look forward to

Yes! This is a HORRIBLE reason to sabatoge your whole world, but it is the sad, shallow truth for me.

You go to work everyday, take care of the kids everyday, cook dinner everyday, clean up everyday, and do it all over, everyday. The dysfunction no longer has places to hide in the routine of life. Dynamics have been formed and resentments start building. And you look at your life and think, well this is not how I imagined it. Things start needing some work. Some attention

^^^^^^^^^ That is really really me.

Healthy people will work on the M and themselves

Sadly, I missed that day at school. And now the work is very daunting. Sometimes it seems easier to start over. But I know that would only be a temporary fix. No easy solution.

I guess the best question is to ask why are you asking? Curiosity? Or reasons for where you find yourself today? If it's the latter, you will need to look deeper than your age

I suppose there's a couple reasons I ask. I think a lot of our reasons for having an A are similar which makes me feel like less of a piece of crap. And I'll go ahead and admit that I really hope some of this....discontentment will go away when I hit a different phase of life. (I know how dumb that sounds, but a girl can dream)

the "trend" of the 40 year old having an A is just a domino effect from years of bad boundaries until the perfect storm hits

That scares me because I think it's true. In IC I'm finding all these gaps in my life that got me where I am. Things that I found fulfilling, that no longer are. And working on the M is harder than I thought. Who knew I wanted to be lavished with praise and attention like I was from AP? I remember when SS17 said she wanted to be f*d, not just make love. How shocking that was, and how true that was for me as well. No one was more surprised to find these things out than me! I didn't need it from my H for all these years, but now I feel like I'm questioning everything. It makes me feel less overwhelmed to know that others are in a similar boat.

[This message edited by familyfirst at 10:04 AM, June 19th (Thursday)]


Posts: 223 | Registered: Mar 2014
somethingremorse
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Member # 42047
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, June 19th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wanted to add that the things I thought I "needed" in the As were mostly little temporary fantasies. They didn't make my life better. They didn't make me happier. They were just little adrenaline rushes.

For a TMI example, AP#1 and I had sex in a public restroom. When my head was up my ass, I told myself that I "needed" that kind of spontaneity to "keep me young" or some similar bullshit. (Just to be clear, things like that will never be part of my M. I understand that everyone has limits to how much they can change.)

I think with that stage WOES talked about, and general dissatisfaction with life, we start to dwell on the things we don't have, not on what we do. So when you get that little fantasy fulfilled, you go "THAT was what was missing all along." That combination of being messed up internally and being in a rut in life completely screws up perspective.

None of those things are actually the answers. Either they are fake, or they are not very important at all. It took me almost losing everything to remember what is important, and what I actually DO need in my life. Those things are vastly different than these fantasies or flattery.

And I'll go ahead and admit that I really hope some of this....discontentment will go away when I hit a different phase of life.

I personally don't think it goes away. I think you have to actively drive away discontentment in life. For me, it's a combination of realizing what I need, trying to get it in an honest, productive way, and having the perspective to understand how what I am missing really compares to what I have.

Another TMI, concrete example: Sexting is fun. It is exciting, and the attention made me feel desired and important while I was doing it. It was part of both As, but not part of my M.

Do I need it? Nope. It's like having a second cookie at dessert. Am I going to get it from BW? Most likely not. Does it matter? Not at all. In fact, that BW doesn't act like a horny 18-year old is the best thing for me and for us (no judgment if this is your thing -- more power to ya ). The solid relationship we have keeps me grounded and focused. On the whole, I am so much better where I am today.

Does not sexting cause discontent? Not if I think about it correctly. But the discontent doesn't go away unless I take the time to get perspective.


Me: WH (42)
DDay 11/03/13
In MC and IC

Posts: 633 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Pennsylvania
Wayflost
♀ Member
Member # 41583
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, June 19th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My IC has mentioned that it isn't uncommon for As to happen around events of change. For some people it's 30, for some 40, for some it's loss of a loved one, or children moving out, or retirement.

I'm no where near 40 yet, and my As happened in my 20s.


Me: WW
Him: BH (totalheartbreak)
Both: 30s

Posts: 423 | Registered: Dec 2013
familyfirst
♀ Member
Member # 42651
Default  Posted: 2:55 PM, June 19th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Somethingremorse, I'm tempted to clip in your whole msg but this:
we start to dwell on the things we don't have, not on what we do

and

So when you get that little fantasy fulfilled, you go "THAT was what was missing all along."

is full on mind reading. I never want another A, but I need to work on not wanting what is missing too.


Posts: 223 | Registered: Mar 2014
scaredsorry
New Member
Member # 39281
Default  Posted: 4:46 PM, June 19th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Familyfirst: reading your posts is actually making me feel better. It's almost like contentment breeds discontent if that makes any sense. Like once I had everything I wanted, I couldn't just enjoy it. I had to have more. Even if more might destroy my family.

Posts: 9 | Registered: May 2013
WalkinOnEggshelz
♀ Member
Member # 29447
Default  Posted: 4:50 PM, June 19th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And I'll go ahead and admit that I really hope some of this....discontentment will go away when I hit a different phase of life.

If you want that discontentment to go away, you have to work for it. It just doesn't disappear because you've hit another stage in life. There is no quick fix. You have to dig and then dig deeper and keep digging until there is nothing else left. Start off with your excuses and underneath those you can begin to understand your why's. Only then can you begin to change those ingrained behaviors and coping mechanisms.

Working on yourself requires a lot of action. No amount of fancy diagnoses or trendy terms or theories will change the amount of work you need to put in to become healthy.


Me: WS 42
Him: BH 43(HoldingTogether)
M: 18years, together 22
2 Daughters: 13 and 10
D Day: 7/24/2010; TT to 10/17/10
If you keep asking people to give you the benefit of the doubt, they will eventually start to doubt your benefit.

Posts: 736 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
jaime2014
♂ New Member
Member # 43727
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, June 21st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WS ONLY

[This message edited by SI Staff at 9:37 AM, June 21st (Saturday)]


Be able to end your marriage in order to save it.

Silence is better than bullshit.


Posts: 38 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Jaime2014
Topic Posts: 15

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