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User Topic: Is marital sex a duty? Was I a "bad wife" for not supplying sex?
Ms_Strong
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Member # 30883
Default  Posted: 7:32 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I bumped into an old acquaintance that I haven't seen for 3 years who used to be friends with my XH. She's not very tactful and told me all about what my XH said about me while we were going through the divorce and it is troubling me.
The first thing she said was after I told her I was happy and in a long-term relationship, she said "That's good you're happy even though everybody said he's too young for you and it wouldn't last because he'll get tired of you". Yeah, really tactful.
Second thing she said, is that my XH told her that the reason he cheated was that he was "sick of having to be nice to my wife (me) so I could have sex with her once a week." Obviously the fact that he felt that he had to be nice and it wasn't coming from a genuine place is messed up. He used to complain that he wanted to have sex every night but I wouldn't feel like it. After he got home from work he was not very nice to me. Conversations were strained...He definitely acted like a dickhead and was not the nice guy I married. My question to you all on SI - Should sex with your spouse be something you expect as part of marriage? Or is it like when you're dating, that it might not happen? Was I wrong that I liked and still like to feel respected and treated nicely before any intimacy? Do you think that it is a duty of the spouse to supply sex if the spouse wants it but communication and emotional intimacy isn't always there?


Me: 40, happily divorced Dec11
D-Day #1 - 9th Jan 11, D-Day #2 - 13th Jan 11
Kids - 4, 8 yrs

Posts: 269 | Registered: Jan 2011
fireproof
♀ Member
Member # 36126
Default  Posted: 7:36 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No I don't think it is a requirement but I also think if this is a main issue for either people they should voice their concern or seek therapy to find a middle ground.

That being said having to or being forced out if your comfort zone on this area is in my opinion a No.

It is about respecting yourself. Sounds like he was just venting.


Posts: 1063 | Registered: Jul 2012
persevere
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Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 8:41 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm glad you refer to her as an acquaintance because she's clearly not a friend - what a bitch.


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4670 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
MovingUpward
♂ Guide
Member # 14866
Default  Posted: 8:59 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Should sex with your spouse be something you expect as part of marriage?

Yes. If we continue to believe that sex outside the marriage is wrong then we are also saying that sex is to be within the marriage. Thus spouses should expect the marriage to be the outlet for sex.

Or is it like when you're dating, that it might not happen?

Yes to this too. Just because you are married you are not entitled to sex at any given moment. So there is a balancing that has to happen and this can get tough when partners have different drives and expectations. Although in a good marriage both partners will be working towards the partnership called marriage.

As for the acquaintance, pretty rude. As for your XH nothing is an excuse for cheating.


AKA Moo

Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; they’ll scratch you up time and time again but in the end you’re polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.


Posts: 53011 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Big Blue Nation
asurvivor
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Member # 32368
Default  Posted: 9:12 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My X thought sex was her duty...Unfortunately it wasn't with me. "Insert cymbal noise here"


I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know.



Posts: 576 | Registered: Jun 2011
hexed
♀ Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 9:16 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Both...

As my M disintegrted our sex life got worse and worse and it was never great. At the end I was performing out of a sense of obligation. He never forced me but it was awful.

I do think that sex is part of a healthy relationship. If the sex life isn't healthy then issues in the relationship might need to be addressed. We all have different sex drives and that should be addressed if its the only problem.

Sex should never be forced or an 'obligation' imo.

I have much more satisfying, passionate sex with my SO than I ever did with X husband. It is mostly because our overall relationship is better. We are also in agreement that a healthy sex life is important for our emotional connection. We talk about it and acknowledge it's importance. We make physical touch part of the day all day every day which leads to an easier connection. Its just a little extra touch on the arm, hand holding, kissing etc...not full blown gropefest or anything. Even if I'm not in the mood and he is, i feel a connection and intimacy that makes it pretty easy to get in the mood.

OTOH he is also understanding and loving if I'm just pooped, had a bad day or just not feeling it. There's no guilt, no pressure just tenderness. He knows that once in a while, its just not going to happen.


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8490 | Registered: Apr 2008
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The word "duty" sets my teeth on edge. To me, sex and intimacy are an important aspect of a healthy relationship/marriage, and I wouldn't remain in a marriage without that. But duty? As in you owe sex to someone? Hell no.

Your second question - whether you were a bad wife? From your description, it sounds like a bad marriage - one that wasn't meeting anyone's needs. You weren't treated with respect or affection. Of course you wouldn't want to be intimate with someone who treated you like that. That doesn't make you wrong or bad - it reflects on the state of the relationship, not on you as a wife.


You can call me NIK

"Keep your face always toward the sunshine - and shadows will fall behind you."
-Walt Whitman


Posts: 26192 | Registered: Aug 2011
PhoenixRisen
Member
Member # 35912
Default  Posted: 9:42 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ask not "is martial sex a duty?" but rather "is chatting with a tactless be-otch a duty?"

that answer to that is no

Don't let her make you question yourself. It's obvious she set out to mentally sabotage you with her comments from the get-go.


Posts: 504 | Registered: Jun 2012
somer222
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Member # 21377
Default  Posted: 9:58 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What a witch she is!

You'll be doing yourself a huge favor the next time you see her to just walk away from her. Do not talk to her, do not engage on any level.

She intended to ruin your day. I think she succeeded. Toxic!


Posts: 1467 | Registered: Oct 2008
Maxiom
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Member # 26001
Default  Posted: 11:09 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't post in NB often, but this is kind of a sore spot for me lately, but I do agree. Sex is not a duty, but it is a part of a healthy relationship.

In my circumstance, my wife and I have very different sex drive. Mine is off the charts.. hers.. well. I would say its not unhealthy, but its not even in the same ball park as mine. Its an issue, but one I hope we can work out. Still.. this does not entitle me to an affair.. nor would it entitle anyone to an affair.

Just the other day "The Women" was on TV.. and it got to the scene in the Lesbian bar where Debra Messing's character began the whole.. "what did you do to cause this?" Bull crap. Which pissed my wife off.. so she turned it off. With this innudation in media of cheater apologists, im not surprised at this is the prevailing mentality for the majority of people not affected by infidelity.


Me: FBS/WS 41
Her FWS/BS 41
My DDay - March 10, 2007 Whole Truth - May 2007
Her DDay - March 2, 2011
True NC March 3, 2011

Posts: 462 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Canada
LydiaE
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Member # 42571
Default  Posted: 11:37 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Duty sex is the worst-- for the giver and the receiver.

If sex has begun to feel like a duty or a chore, both partners in the marriage are to blame. One might be selfish or clueless or just not open to instruction. It is definitely a chore and a libido killer to feel pressured to perform sex acts that are painful, unsavory, or just plain banal.

The high sex drive/low sex drive phenomenon is also tricky. Often times the low sex drive spouse might blossom sexually with someone else. Often times the high sex drive spouse might just be really bad in bed. People who are mismatched sexually get married all the time.

Your ex is a jerk for saying that about you and your acquaintance sounds horrible. I always wonder about men who complain about wives/girlfriends rejecting them sexually. It is not really something I'd be bragging about if it were me. It would be an embarrassment.


Posts: 103 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: SouthernUSA
Sad in AZ
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Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 11:56 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sex should never be a duty, but it should be an important part of a healthy marriage in some way, shape or form. Also, if you're sexually mismatched, there is going to be trouble, but no, it's not a reason to cheat.

It was very frustrating to me that the X was no where near as interested in sex as I was. When he developed ED, we moved to another form of sex, and it was what it was. I never considered him a 'bad husband' for not being as sexual as I was, though.

That's why it was so hurtful when I discovered he was using viagra with the OW--thousands of dollars worth. He wouldn't even discuss it with me. I even offered to pay for it. Bleh.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20453 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
Sadmumma
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Member # 42192
Default  Posted: 5:44 AM, June 18th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes.. Sex should be a part of the marriage.

But I think within the marriage you also have a right to be respected and valued.

Communication communication communication.

But if he's an idiot, you can talk till the cows come home and he's still going to be an idiot and not get it.


On any given day you have the power to say "my story is not going to end like this"
Me 41 BS
Him 41 WH
6 kids...7 weeks, 5,7,9,11&13
D day jan 29th 2014

Posts: 536 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Land down under
NaiveAgain
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Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 6:33 AM, June 18th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1. Don't ever talk to that nasty hyena again. She doesn't have anything for you that you want/need to know.

2.

Was I wrong that I liked and still like to feel respected and treated nicely before any intimacy
HELL no! Sex is not a duty. It is an expression of love and intimacy between two people. If one person treats you like crap all day, why would you want to get naked with them?

3.

Do you think that it is a duty of the spouse to supply sex if the spouse wants it but communication and emotional intimacy isn't always there?
I think it is the duty of both partners to talk about it. If one partner wants sex, but the other is not feeling the bonding necessary to be in the mood, then it is time for discussion.

4.

That's good you're happy even though everybody said he's too young for you and it wouldn't last because he'll get tired of you".
My SO is 20 years younger than me. We have been together now for 1 1/2 years. We are very happy. When someone says things like "everybody says".....she is trying to hurt you and also make it sounds like she is the authority on this subject and the entire rest of the world is against you, because she has "everybody" on her side and she is authorized to speak for "everybody." The only people I know personally that talk like that are sociopaths who have to use the term "everybody" because they realize that what they alone say just isn't that important.

he was "sick of having to be nice to my wife (me) so I could have sex with her once a week
So, if he really said that, he is a tool.

I obviously feel strongly about this subject, but here is what happens when you tell someone it is their duty to have sex with someone because they are married.....being the good little "insert my former religion" girl I was, I felt it was my duty to have sex with my first husband to keep him satisfied and happy in the marriage. He ignored me, treated me like a servant, didn't care about my emotional needs, and was very controlling. I would lay there and stare at the ceiling, sometimes while tears ran down my face, while waiting for him to hurry up and finish. Never again. I actually love sex and with my new SO, who takes the time to make sure my emotional needs are met and makes me feel like a priority, the only time I am not in the mood for him is when I am sick.

Sex is not a duty. It is a privilege and a sacred expression of the bond between two people. When that bond starts to crack, it needs to be fixed or it is time to move on.

[This message edited by NaiveAgain at 6:34 AM, June 18th (Wednesday)]


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15409 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
EvenKeel
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Member # 24210
Default  Posted: 7:31 AM, June 18th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Geez avoid this person going forth! She has nothing positive for you.

I agree with you. No one should have to have $ex in or out of a M. When I found out my X was cheating, something very intimate died inside of me. I tried to continue to have sex, but it was all mechanics.

When I found out the running around continued; I was done emotionally. I stopped having sex with him.

To have sex with him when my heart wasn't there, was like being violated. It was such a sad, empty feeling.

But the past is past...now for your NB relationship , how do you feel now? Do you feel that connection and desire?

I was so worried something might of permanently died inside of me during my M because I lost all desire. I am so happy to report that is not the case. I have been able to connect very deeply (and sensually) in my NB relationships. Have you been able to reconnect?


Eyes are useless if the mind is blind.


Posts: 2249 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Pa
SBB
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Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 7:32 AM, June 18th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a much higher libido than the sad clown - I always have. I would do it every night if I could. My libido is back to that level now but for the last few years of that M it disappeared. I blamed having kids but in reality it was because we were completely disconnected.

He was unkind to me, emotionally abusive, distant, moody, tired, uninvolved in our life, unplugged and had PE issues (I love a quickie, I don't need much foreplay and am very quick/easy to orgasm but 2 mins every time bugs the shit out me - it felt disrespectful) - all of this killed my libido. I barely even masturbated.

I still initiated and responded to sexual contact around 3 times per week. It wasn't enjoyable, mostly BJs for him and he was done in 2 mins or sometimes too drunk to come (I hate stinking drunk sex).

There was no connection yet he's trying it on and get angry when I rebuffed him or would get angry that I wouldn't give him a BJ even though I had told him I wanted sex because it had been BJs the last few times. Didn't matter.

I'm sure he has blamed my lack of libido for his cheating. Never mind that for the first 6 years he knocked me back more often than not.

So no - sex isn't a duty. It is an aspect of connection and intimacy, not the only one or even the most important one.

Since I got rid of him my libido came back with a vengeance. I don't have to deal with PE, ED, moodiness and disrespect.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5660 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
norabird
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Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, June 18th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Was I wrong that I liked and still like to feel respected and treated nicely before any intimacy?

I just want to weep t this question! Honey, no, you are not wrong. You should have been treated with love and care and you were not; a drop in sex (to a pretty normal level for a long-term couple, I think) is the fallout of HIS behavior and rests on him.

You had a bad husband--that is why you didn't want to have sex. He blamed you because he is probably an entitled asshole.

We all deserve to have sex from our partners if we treat them lovingly and with understanding that sometimes life gets away.

But a slip of paper saying you are married does not equal a 'redeem for sex regardless of how you treat your partner' voucher.

I am so sorry that this acquaintance has brought back a feeling of guilt or responsibility. If someone expected me to have sex with them and yet gave me no kindness or attention, I would never want to be intimate with them--and I have a pretty high libido.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4203 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Ready_to_run
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Member # 20954
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, June 18th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you believe in marriage in the biblical sense then we are to become one person once we are married and our bodies are no longer our own anymore. So, yes in that sense, it does become part of the deal and we are not to deny our bodies to our mates. (unless of course we are physically unable)

If you don't believe in the biblical context of marriage then I guess you just get to make up your own rules and that is where confusion reigns IMO.


BH
Divorced


Posts: 750 | Registered: Sep 2008
tabitha95
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Member # 22033
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, June 18th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I love having sex with someone who makes me feel special. When I was the only one taking care of the house, kids (when they were small and needed constant care), bills, pets, etc....all while having a job....and then I wasn't greeted with a hug or kiss or even nice words to make me feel special...then I didn't really want to have sex with him. Wasn't it his duty to support me in non-sexual ways?


BW (me) - 45
DS 14, DS 11
D-Day#1: Oct 30, 2008
D-Day#2: June 3, 2011 (same MOW) Separation: June 3, 2011
Divorce finalized: Feb 2012 (due to 6 month waiting period).

Posts: 3250 | Registered: Dec 2008
InnerLight
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Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, June 18th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it's the duty of the husband to create an atmosphere in which his wife is open to receiving his sexual advances. Kind, thoughtful, considerate actions and gestures come first.


BS, now age 54, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years M and 20 together. In some ways I have not 'gotten over it'. But I am resilient and have created a good life where I am mostly happy.

Posts: 5903 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
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