Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: kelmac284 (44914)

New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Is marital sex a duty? Was I a "bad wife" for not supplying sex?
hummingbird8
♀ Member
Member # 25086
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, June 18th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My opinion? If I expect my husband be faithful, and I do. He should expect that he will get regular sex. And vice versa.

It is not ok to say that we expect fidelity but they shouldn't expect sex. It's not ok to say we won't have sex with them because they don't do this or that or treat us the way we want, unless it's ok for them to say it's ok to cheat because they didn't like this or that or treat then the way they wanted.


Posts: 501 | Registered: Aug 2009
gypsybird87
♀ Member
Member # 39193
Default  Posted: 4:59 PM, June 18th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You were not a bad wife. But he was a bad husband.

People have different levels of sex drive and those may change (to more or less) over time. In a healthy marriage, this shouldn't pose a problem because the couple should be able to talk about it and compromise so that both are comfortable. Ie- no one feels neglected, and certainly no one should feel like sex is a "duty". Yuck. Is there a more un-sexy word than the word "duty"?

Just a side note... my XWH and I were having sex nightly, including on days I now know he had slept with her. He was getting plenty of attention from me, including oral etc. He cheated anyway.

So I don't believe the quantity of sex or lack of sex has anything to do with cheating. It has to do with lack of character in the WS. And that is not something you can give them, no matter how much sex you supply.


Me: Enjoying life
Him: Someone else's problem

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage. ~ Anais Nin


Posts: 814 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Oregon
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 8:59 PM, June 18th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is not ok to say that we expect fidelity but they shouldn't expect sex. It's not ok to say we won't have sex with them because they don't do this or that or treat us the way we want, unless it's ok for them to say it's ok to cheat because they didn't like this or that or treat then the way they wanted.

I expect my husband to be faithful whether or not we're having sex. I expect my husband to work with me towards a solution and/or divorce me if we can't work it out. Not cheat.

Cheating is another tool in the overall issue of emotional abuse. I should have divorced him for the emotional abuse but I waited for cheating form do emotional abuse instead.

No/low sex is not the same as cheating. It doesn't justify cheating. It does justify divorce.

The correct comparison is:

It's not ok to say we will cheat on them because they don't do this or that or treat us the way we want, unless it's ok for them to say it's ok to cheat because they didn't like this or that or treat then the way they wanted.

Affairs are not about sex.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5554 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, June 18th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hope it is okay to ask a question here....
If I expect my husband be faithful, and I do. He should expect that he will get regular sex. And vice versa.
That kind of scares me. So do you feel that if your partner treats you horribly throughout the day, you should still have sex with him/her when they want it, otherwise you can't expect them to be faithful? I'm trying to understand....


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15226 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
hummingbird8
♀ Member
Member # 25086
Default  Posted: 11:02 PM, June 18th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Withholding sex could also be seen as emotional abuse.

If my husband treated me horribly during the day I would not still have sex with him. However many people who cheat say the person they cheated on treated them horribly also.

I think it's a bit about perception. I believe that it's naive to think if you are not having sex with your spouse that they won't cheat. I may be way off base but I'm sure statistics will back that up. Does that make it ok to cheat? No. But it's not ok to deny your spouse a sex life either. Saying I don't want you but I don't want anyone else to have you. They have needs.

Everyone jumps to the well they should just divorce then. True. However for most men they lose money and time with their children. Get run into the ground in some instances because they left. So they are damned if they do, damned if they don't.

I may have the need to feel protected and safe financially. My husband may have the need for regular sex. It's not fair for me to expect him to meet my need for him to go to work and help out financially then just say sorry I will not have sex with you. It's about compromising and making sure both people get their needs met.

[This message edited by hummingbird8 at 11:04 PM, June 18th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 501 | Registered: Aug 2009
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 2:57 AM, June 19th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Withholding sex could also be seen as emotional abuse
.Thanks for explaining that. I do agree in some cases...if your partner is reasonably decent to you then sometimes, you may not be in the mood but you should make the effort.

My WS withheld sex. It was emotionally abusive. He withheld it from me with the excuse he had a hernia and it hurt, but he was having it with escorts and dating site partners. It did not make me seek out an affair though. I tried working on it with him and then seeing that he was not being truthful, I dumped him.

There is usually a reason that one partner is not wanting sex with the other. If the partners can discuss this in a reasonable manner and work towards a solution, then the relationship will flourish. If one or both partners are unwilling to be truthful, discuss the issue, or work towards a solution, then usually the relationship is heading towards the end.....


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15226 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
Ready_to_run
♂ Member
Member # 20954
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, June 19th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is not ok to say that we expect fidelity but they shouldn't expect sex. It's not ok to say we won't have sex with them because they don't do this or that or treat us the way we want, unless it's ok for them to say it's ok to cheat because they didn't like this or that or treat then the way they wanted.

Amen to this! Sex should be a loving act between two people not used as a reward or withheld out of punishment.


BH
Divorced


Posts: 750 | Registered: Sep 2008
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 10:38 AM, June 19th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is not ok to say that we expect fidelity but they shouldn't expect sex. It's not ok to say we won't have sex with them because they don't do this or that or treat us the way we want, unless it's ok for them to say it's ok to cheat because they didn't like this or that or treat then the way they wanted.

The thing is, we should expect both fidelity AND kindness.

A lack of kindness, a lack of thoughtfulness, in the wayward partner is part of the big picture. They are thinking only about their own needs, in when and how they expect sex from their partner and also in what they do to betray their partner.

I am another who had a great sex life with my ex. We were pretty early in our relationship. I was so, so giving and game. It did not matter.

And I would not have been up for sex as much as I was if he was taking me for granted, too. People need to be given consideration and feel they are loved nad cared for to want to be intimate.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4151 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
seethelight
♀ Member
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, June 19th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Obviously the fact that he felt that he had to be nice and it wasn't coming from a genuine place is messed up. He used to complain that he wanted to have sex every night but I wouldn't feel like it. After he got home from work he was not very nice to me. Conversations were strained...He definitely acted like a dickhead and was not the nice guy I married.

No you were not obligated to have sex on demand.

Your husband had a responsibility to woo you, if he wanted sex.

He did not. Instead he demanded it.

You husband did not have brains enough to romance his own wife.

What a dickhead.


“If two people truly have feelings for one another then they don’t have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1127 | Registered: May 2014
wildbananas
♀ Member
Member # 10552
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, June 19th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been thinking on this one for a couple days, how ex-asshat saw sex. There were times he wanted it all the time, regardless of how he treated me. There were times he flat-out cut me off and told me it "wasn't right" to have sex with me when things were so bad between us (and when he was spending time with whatever OW was currently on the scene. Nice to know he felt bad if he wasn't faithful to her ). And there were times where he'd tell me things like any guy could look at me and know I'd be the best lay of his life. I think he meant it as a compliment but I can't imagine how. Reading over journal for this time, more than once, I wrote he made me feel like nothing more than a whore... and it's absolutely true.

Looking back, I can't believe what a dick he was and how I just meekly took it in order to keep him. I could have come out of that with a really bad attitude about sex but luckily, it gave me clarity on what I can accept and not accept and I think I have a pretty healthy attitude toward it.

SO treats me like gold and because of that... well, things are just fine in the bedroom department. If he was horrible to me? I definitely wouldn't be interested in any sort of reindeer games. And there's a difference between withholding to be abusive and not feeling it because your partner doesn't respect you.

Ergo... I wouldn't call it a duty but I do think it's something sacred in a relationship. I think it's rare a couple is ever completely in sync in the bedroom 100% of the time but however they work together to address it (and everyone feels like they're being heard, respected and are good with the outcome), it's all good.

So no... what gypsybird said. You were not a bad wife. He was a bad husband. And your "friend" is a jerk.

[This message edited by wildbananas at 3:51 PM, June 19th (Thursday)]


Travel light, live light, spread the light, be the light. ~ Yogi Bhajan

Posts: 15393 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Now an AZ girl
Crescita
♀ Member
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 5:06 PM, June 19th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My opinion? If I expect my husband be faithful, and I do. He should expect that he will get regular sex. And vice versa.
It is not ok to say that we expect fidelity but they shouldn't expect sex. It's not ok to say we won't have sex with them because they don't do this or that or treat us the way we want, unless it's ok for them to say it's ok to cheat because they didn't like this or that or treat then the way they wanted.

I don't think these things are on the same scale at all. You are faithful or you aren't. You can't unring that bell. Who is to determine what is regular, or adequate or withholding? What happens when a soldier is deployed, a woman has a traumatic childbirth, or a husband has extenuating medical issues? What if your father passes away and you go home for three months to help your elderly mother? If those people can go months or years without sex, how can some people not go 1 WEEK?

Intimacy is fluid, ever changing, there is an ebb and flow. You have to adapt and communicate when there are issues, but it can certainly be suspended and restored if it is something you value.


Posts: 3385 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
hummingbird8
♀ Member
Member # 25086
Default  Posted: 5:42 PM, June 19th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Of course there are always those circumstances. I as an ex military wife know that and I didn't cheat.

I am talking about the more common, not wanting sex. The experiences I have are through some of my friends. My closest friend her husband complains and they fight all the time about her not wanting sex or giving him affection. I don't think her husband has cheated yet, but I do think he probably will. It's something he has talked to her about many many times over the years and her stance is I'm not in the mood, too bad for him.

I don't think that is fair to him. If she was trying it would be one thing but to just say I'm not in the mood every time. If he said he wasn't in the mood to go to work everyday,she would be having a fit. But because it's not something she cares about, she doesn't care.


Posts: 501 | Registered: Aug 2009
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 11:34 PM, June 19th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

^^absolute grounds for him to divorce her. Not to cheat. There are never any grounds to cheat.

I'm kind of surprised that anyone but an unremorseful wayward would believe there are ever any grounds to cheat.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5554 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Ms_Strong
♀ Member
Member # 30883
Default  Posted: 3:12 AM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks to everyone who posted a reply. I've read through all of the posts and it's obvious that it's a really tangled issue. I had to take some time to think before replying because it's true that having that conversation with the horrible "friend" did make me feel at fault for the cause of my XH's affairs, and to doubt myself in my present relationship from her words…it took me a while to feel like Ms Strong again.
Withholding sex could also be seen as emotional abuse
1) I don't think I withheld sex as a punishment. It was more that I really felt bullied into it. Never forced to physically, but emotionally.
No you were not obligated to have sex on demand.
Your husband had a responsibility to woo you, if he wanted sex.
He did not. Instead he demanded it.
You husband did not have brains enough to romance his own wife.
What a dickhead. - seethelight

One memory the word "woo" brings up is a memory of when we were married, we talked about why we were having date nights and I said I wanted to feel the romance, to be wooed…and he laughed horribly, said how dare I expect that from him, I was an entitled princess and he doesn't have to woo me. Maybe I should have worded it as "wooing each other" but still, his reaction was a bit overboard. I really shut out THAT huge red flag.
It's funny because after years of being told I was "cold", my SO (the younger man, ahem) says how much he likes our sex life! And I know that's because we are in a healthy, happy relationship. I never feel obligated.
Thank you to all of you for your perspectives.


Me: 40, happily divorced Dec11
D-Day #1 - 9th Jan 11, D-Day #2 - 13th Jan 11
Kids - 4, 8 yrs

Posts: 269 | Registered: Jan 2011
wonderpets
♂ Member
Member # 35901
Default  Posted: 3:26 AM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great topic. XWW withheld sex, which made me not respond to her needs. Which made her withhold sex. On top of that, she was very temperamental, so everything made her upset. Still, I never cheated.

With my current wife, I made it clear that I need sex daily. She almost never withholds, and therefore every single day, whenever she asks me to do something, I remember how kind and wonderful my wife is, and I do what makes her happy.

Not only does she provide sex, but does so enthusiastically, even if she isn't feeling it. She says she loves the closeness regardless.

I digress. I am a very happy man who loves his wife. My eyes wander far less now than they used to. Not trying to match or satisfy your partner's sex drive will lead to big problems IMO.

[This message edited by wonderpets at 3:31 AM, July 1st (Tuesday)]


Posts: 203 | Registered: Jun 2012
wonderpets
♂ Member
Member # 35901
Default  Posted: 3:26 AM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Double post.

[This message edited by wonderpets at 3:27 AM, July 1st (Tuesday)]


Posts: 203 | Registered: Jun 2012
sparkysable
♀ Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 5:23 AM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My XWH and I were constantly having sex. It never stopped. He had an affair anyway. However, after D-Day, I heard that he was telling people that we never had sex. I guess they have to justify it however he can.


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3341 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
Topic Posts: 37
Pages: 1 · 2

Return to Forum: New Beginnings Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.