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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Showing signs of maybe getting it
RomanticInnocenc
♀ Member
Member # 43041
Default  Posted: 10:50 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, what a roller coaster! I have been all over the place, from roaring mad, to hysterically begging him to leave me and end this pain. Beating myself up that even if he is being open and honest now that I don't deserve to be happy (lots of issues) to making realisations that I want to be happy and healthy and facing some issues from my past that have been holding me back. Not for him by the way, but for me!

WH has been pretty solid throughout, holding me when I cry, telling me over and over the affair had nothing to do with me, telling me the one area he was will to be selfish in at the moment was for him to stay and put me through this because it's what he wants and won't ever do this to me again.

He isn't perfect, he still has some interesting thoughts and ideas based on ideologies held from before dday, but he is being willing to look at that, by posting here, talking to me and willing to talk about it in mc.

But what has made me start to think he may actually, for the first time in his life, really be wanting to change and be better was a conversation he had with his mum. Now granted I didn't hear the conversation but the way WH has gotten away with lying for so long is to make sure the lie was fairly unvarifiable. This conversation totally is... Probably more so then I'd like, meaning I might have to face the ramifications head on.

So WH's mum know about his affairs and lies. I asked him to be accountable to someone besides me after both ddays and he chose his mum. Since then she has been very supportive of WH, to the point where I have felt uncomfortable being around them. I had wanted her to be someone that would HOLD him accountable, be a sounding board if he needed it, someone to be honest with him about the consequences of his actions whilst supporting him and loving him. She has seen her role as just loving him and staying out of our marriage. This has made me feel like they are minimising (her and her husband) and rugs weeping and like maybe this is all my fault.

She asked WH if we would go down for an overnight visit, and I just felt crappy about the idea. Shared with WH why and he totally supported me. The next day he spoke to her and tried to explain what he and I needed from her and paint a bit of a picture about what is actually happening in our marriage, and how long it will take to get to a more happy place. WH asked her how long she thought this would take, wanting to gauge her understanding, and she said her and her husband had thought that about now I should be making a final decision as to R or D and be moving on either way.

But the biggest thing for me was WH telling her that he knows us not going to visit them is hard, we have a 5 month old and he is the first grandchild, but that if she had any resentment, anger or blame, to lay it at his door, that it is his fault, not mine!

He took full responsibility, backed me up 100%, supported my feelings and didn't try to minimise so that the conversation would be easier for him. He also didn't try to manipulate to get what he wanted without being bare faced honest.

The ice around my heart is starting to thaw, just a little. For the first time I feel like he really could love me and want this relationship. That he really is willing to change, be open and honest. There is still a long journey and this by no way means we are cured and all better. But it's a step right! I'm not crazy for finding this a positive... Right?

[This message edited by RomanticInnocenc at 10:52 PM, June 17th (Tuesday)]


Me: BS 31
WH: 29 (theseseatsRtaken)
DS: getting close to 1
Together 10 years, married 2.
DD1: 8th of Jan 2014
DD2: 10th of Jan 2014
NC: 8th of Jan
In hopeful R!

Posts: 324 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Australia
tfkeel
♂ Member
Member # 19517
Default  Posted: 5:53 AM, June 18th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, you are not "crazy" to want your marriage to
continue, nor are you "crazy" to seek a full restoration if that is what you want.

You are also not "crazy" to see your WHs actions and words as "positive", because, indeed they are. Only time will tell how genuine they are, though.

There is every good reason for you to be a "fruit inspector". Judge the tree by its fruit. Good trees bring forth good fruit.


Posts: 521 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Pennsylvania
neverdidithink
♀ Member
Member # 40568
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, June 18th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

RomanticInnocenc, How wonderful that your WH took responsibility for his actions.

Rebuilding is a slow, painful process.

Sometimes it helps to jot down the good stuff so it doesn't get lost in the struggles. Sometimes when I'm feeling low I look at "the list", and while individually the wins don't seem to amount to much, collectively the pile is hard to ignore. This gives me strength to keep at it for a little while longer.


Me: BW 52
Him: WH 55
Married 8 years
4 20-something his and hers kids

Trying to understand the behavior of some people is like trying to smell the color 9


Posts: 338 | Registered: Sep 2013
RomanticInnocenc
♀ Member
Member # 43041
Default  Posted: 1:18 AM, June 19th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tfkeel - thanks for your reply, I like your fruit inspection analogy. Gosh I hope the fruit is good!

Neverdidthink - thanks for your post too. I agree that it is a good idea to write down the good things. I have a journal but it's full of crud from when I am in the "depths of despair" and it feels wrong to put positive things in there. Maybe I need to buy a new one.

Sometimes it is so hard to realise the man you were settling for compared to the man they can be if they choose! If only he hadn't been such a selfish arse for 10 years!


Me: BS 31
WH: 29 (theseseatsRtaken)
DS: getting close to 1
Together 10 years, married 2.
DD1: 8th of Jan 2014
DD2: 10th of Jan 2014
NC: 8th of Jan
In hopeful R!

Posts: 324 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Australia
Dare2Trust
♀ Member
Member # 21183
Default  Posted: 5:27 PM, July 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

RomanticInnocence,

You posted:

WH asked her how long she thought this would take, wanting to gauge her understanding, and she said her and her husband had thought that about now I should be making a final decision as to R or D and be moving on either way.

Since you and WH are both committed to Reconciliation - why hasn't your husband explained your position to his mother?

Since you and WH are working towards Reconciliation...why don't you want to visit the In-laws with your baby?


Me BS 59
WH 58
Married 19 years
D-Day Nov 3, 2005
Child: Adopted Daughter 21 College Student now

I can understand being alone; but I hate being with someone and feeling lonely.


Posts: 6133 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
Topic Posts: 5

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