Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: KevinTheAsshole (45445)

Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: working through it
lovemywife4ever
♂ Member
Member # 42834
Default  Posted: 8:02 AM, June 18th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BS and I have been working through a lot of talking the last few days. It is so hard to figure out all this stuff. Truth is I don't even want to think about what I did. I wish i could block it from my memory and have on some parts. I have to live with it and I hate it. I never thought about how this would hurt her. I only thought we were messed up and didn't know what to do. I shouldn't have cheated. I only did once because I figured it out but still too late. I want to be the man she deserves and I want us to be happy and together. I know I need to figure out my issues to be better. I am trying but get stuck at times. How does anyone fully get to the bottom of it. I am coping in different ways and know how to do that but can't seem to fully understand why I did this.


Me-WS
Her-BS (deena04)
Upper 30s and kids at home (hers/mine/ours)
Cheater-me 2.5 years into relationship, 2 months before engagement, 1.5 year before M...this is not an excuse but a timeline of our life

Posts: 208 | Registered: Mar 2014
BrokenButTrying
♀ Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 8:25 AM, June 18th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are you in IC? If you are then find another counsellor and if not then get your arse in gear.

A good IC won't stop asking you why. My IC did this...

Why did you cheat on your husband?
Because I was sick of feeling unloved and unwanted.
Why?
Because he wasn't paying me any attention.
Why?
Because all we do is argue about the marriage. I want to fix it and he just shuts me out.
Why?
I guess I come at it wrong. He's defensive because I'm needy and make him feel like nothing is good enough.
Why?
I need to be needed and I need to be loved.
Why?
Because I never have been.
Why?
Because...

Well, you get the idea!

All this standing around talking about how much you love your wife and want to be the husband she deserves is all well and good but it means nothing because you're not doing anything about it. Show her!

Sorry for the 2x4 but all you talk about is what you want to do, not what you're doing. What are you reading? What boundaries are you creating? What coping mechanisms are you putting in place? Where's the action to match the pretty words?

[This message edited by BrokenButTrying at 8:25 AM, June 18th (Wednesday)]


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - 01/2010 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1258 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
somethingremorse
♂ Member
Member # 42047
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, June 18th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This may not be accurate in your specific case, but

I never thought about how this would hurt her.

is probably not 100% true. Most of us knew our A would hurt our BS. Maybe we didn't realize the true measure of harm, but we intellectually knew it would be bad. But there is something in us at the time that allowed us to push that to the side.

I have said in the past that if I realized how much it was going to hurt BW, I wouldn't have gone through with it. I am pretty sure that is a lie. I would have had to rationalize and compartmentalize even harder, but I am sure that I would have sunk to those depths to do it.

The same thing with "I didn't know what to do." We knew what NOT to do, but something inside disregarded that voice.

It doesn't do any good to forget these spots. You have to open them up. Those are the areas where you need to look. It doesn't happen all at once. Lots of people here pointed me in this direction. I owe them a huge debt of gratitude. Not that I have it figured out, but these kinds of observations helped me really look at myself. I hope it helps you.


Me: WH (42)
DDay 11/03/13
In MC and IC

Posts: 650 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Pennsylvania
SlowUptake
♂ Member
Member # 40484
Default  Posted: 8:06 PM, June 18th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I only did once because I figured it out but still too late.
So you're better than all those other cheaters who did it more than once?

Part of remorse is accepting what broken people we waywards are and owning our actions.

What are you reading? What boundaries are you creating? What coping mechanisms are you putting in place? Where's the action to match the pretty words?
^^^^^^^^^^^This^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^


Me:WS,50+
Her:BS,50+ (WantToWakeUp)
Married 33yrs
Dday Dec 2009

"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras

There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.


Posts: 390 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Limbo in Oz
islesguy
♂ Member
Member # 38090
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, June 20th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish i could block it from my memory and have on some parts.
This seems dangerous to me. Those who forget history are doomed to repeat it. I hate my past, but I never ever will let myself forget what I did and what the results were for my selfish actions. I have often told my BW that I am thankful that she exposed me for what I did and what I was because it has and continues to drive me to be better and I would never want to forget this.


Me: WH
Father of 3 beautiful girls

* I am a RS (Recovering Scumbag)
* Do as I say, NOT as I did. :-(
* I acknowledge the grace I have received. I know do not deserve it.


Posts: 228 | Registered: Jan 2013
Topic Posts: 5

Return to Forum: Wayward Side Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.