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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Hurting and Sad
♂ Member
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 2:40 AM, June 19th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As was said, its highly unlikely that it was only an EA. No one sticks around for 7 years being content with dirty texts and pics. Trust me, in all likelihood they sealed the deal many, many times. Right now your WW is busy with minimizing, blame shifting, and spin control. These are textbook behaviors for a WS who has just gotten caught. Do not for one second believe that you had anything to do with her A. This is all on her and needs to stay that way. Don't allow her to bully you into believing otherwise. I strongly urge you to heed the other members advice and seek legal council. You have only uncovered the gist of what has been going on. There is much more to this story, no matter how much she may claim to the contrary. The pathology of a WS is basically the same no matter the circumstance. What appears unique to you is very similar to what the rest of us have been through. So don't think your alone in this mess my friend, we have been there. She is copping to an EA with inappropriate texts and photos. In WS speak that means she has already had sex with the OM. Its very common to minimize the truth. The WS will claim its to spare you the BS from the pain of the truth. But in actuality its just to cover their own ass. The less you know about the truth the better her situation is. That's why it imperative to seek as much honesty as possible. By any means I might add. In having an A she has lost all rights to her privacy, don't think your invading her space in seeking the truth.

Right now everything is fair game. Check her phone records, ATM and CC activity, FB account, E-mail and any other method of communication she and OM possibly had. Do not tip your hand as to what you find until your ready to confront. Make sure you have copies of everything you find stored away from the house in a place she has no access to. While its hard to do, try and act as if everything is A-OK while you investigate. It prevents them from destroying evidence when they think they are getting over on the BS. Like serial killers, most WS like to keep momentos of the A. In fact the majority of WS are very sloppy when it comes to covering their tracks. They usually leave a very long paper trail that documents the A in its entirety. You just gotta dig deep for the evidenced you seek.

There is power in knowledge, I suggest you gain as much as you can. Right now she thinks she is calling the shots and holds all the cards. She does this because you are hurting and your down on the ground at the moment. What she is doing amounts to emotional terrorism. You claim she is remorseful, but I have to tell you she is not. She has regret for getting caught but there is a big difference between remorse and regret. Don't let her trick you into thinking she is sorry. If she was sorry she would not be acting in the same selfish manner that got her into an A in the first place. Keep in mind that the 180 is for your benefit. Its designed to assist you in personal healing. While it can at times assist in getting a WS out of the fog, its primary function is to help YOU. Don't employ it expecting that it will snap your WW out of the delusional world she lives in. You need to get yourself together, stand up and begin to fight back. You must make this A difficult. You must drag it into the light of reality. Do not be the keeper of her dirty little secrets. If you want change to happen you must employ your best weapon, and that's the truth my man. Inform the OM's spouse if he has one, expose the two of them for the cheats they are, infuse some consequence to their actions. Sitting there in silence licking your wounds gets you nowhere. She is going to try and manipulate you into accepting what has happened on her terms. In fact she is going to try and bully you into it. She will prey on your pain and insecurities to get what she wants. Don't fall for that bullshit. If she threatens to leave you, show her the door. If she says she is going to the OM, pack her fucking bags ad drop them off at his place. You must counter each and every action she makes with strength and resolve. Show her you will not be disrespected by her or anyone else. Demand what you want if R is on the table. If she balks toss her ass out. Any sign of weakness or doubt will be eaten up by her and used to her advantage. Don't let her run this show my man. Stand tall and make it perfectly clear that your in charge and will not tolerate her behaviors any longer. Hang in there brother, its going to get worse before it starts to get better. First priority is to get as much of the truth as possible.

You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5831 | Registered: Nov 2007
♂ New Member
Member # 43751
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, June 19th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks so much again to everyone. i am about to walk out the door of my office to go to our first MC session. I have a list of all the things you all have suggested. My IC sessions never seem to last long enough and I am sure this will be similar, so I probably won't get to all of it. I just hope to find out today if she is serious about R.

Have any of you tried the Retrouvaille? There is not one in our area, but there is one in Atlanta next month. Just wanted to know if any of you tried it and if it was effective either in your R or D. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Posts: 9 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: United States
♀ Member
Member # 43520
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, June 20th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good luck! Keep us posted!!

Dday: 4th of January, 2014
WH 50
BS 49
18 years of marriage...three children
One affair PA/EA
"You didn't see me I was falling apart, I was a television version of a person with a broken heart." The National

Posts: 273 | Registered: May 2014
Long Gone
♂ Member
Member # 32587
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, June 20th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i was going to add to this until I read Strongers post.

Read his it again....then again...and finally....again.

Every line is the truth.

D-Day 11/26/10

Posts: 772 | Registered: Jun 2011
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Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, June 20th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So sorry you've had to join us.

The fact that she's moved her furniture out is another major alarm bell. She's exiting. She's thought and decided. She wants space which is familiar code for 'I want time away from you to see if it works out with the other guy".

Absolutely this. I got the same "cheater-speak," as have so many others here. Your wife is not the person you thought she was, and has not been for years. She has led a double-life and is deeply entrenched in it. Very very difficult to wrap your mind around this, but it is the truth.

Believe nothing she says. She has proven herself a pathological liar--every minute of every day for years. She has betrayed you and your family in the deepest possible way. Watch her actions--immediately, consistently and over a long period of time. Read everything you can about remorse, and make sure you have a clear understanding of the difference between remorse and regret. They are light years apart. If she does not SHOW you empathy--pain for having caused YOU pain, and NOT HERSELF--your marriage is unlikely to be resurrected or a new one begun.

Harsh words, but I and so many have been where you are. Please listen to the hard-earned wisdom of everyone on this site. The advice is tough, but delivered with complete understanding and compassion.

Be strong and determined. You have been emotionally abused. Remember that.

Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.

Posts: 1679 | Registered: Dec 2012
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Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, June 20th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OUt her to the OM wife!!! NOW!!! Wake her ass up!

Also, grab a book called Love Must Be Tough. Do not tell her you are reading it! It is a quick, easy read an immediately helped me (by chapter 2!). It says from Dr. Dobson's years of martial counseling with couples with infidelity that IF the Betrayed Spouse will IMMEDIATELY stand tall, centered, think clearly, NOT beg, it will make a HUGE difference in this experience. He says DO NOT plea, beg, etc, it rarely works. But to be firm and strong like a parent with a drug addicted teen - because that's what the waywards are--- they have crossed the line of respect with us and they feel entitled because they have brainwashed themselves into believe this load of crap. Your WW and OM have brainwashed her for 7 years.

This is NOT your fault. You are a good, kind, caring person. You will get thru this with IC and M.

It made me realize what I do have to offer and why it is NOT my fault, It also gives Excellent recommendations about how to WAKE HER ASS UP!

Keep Calm and Happy On!

me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 2327 | Registered: Jan 2012
♂ New Member
Member # 36314
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, June 20th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I tried Retrouvaille, and it's not the place for you right now, although it may be helpful in the future if your WW decides to cut all contact with this OM and re-dedicate herself to the marriage.

The only way Retrouvaille is helpful is if both parties are 100% committed to the marriage and want to learn better communication techniques, because that's in essence all it it, a program designed to help you learn to communicate better.

Basically, if you're not at the "I forgive you and want to re-build our marriage" stage, it's worthless because it does nothing to address the underlying problems such as the affair.

And your wife is definitely sleeping with this guy. She separated so that she could continue to do it without your interference, and her father is going to help her. That's pretty sick and sad, but it's the truth. People who want to stay married do not separate for space....ever.

Posts: 37 | Registered: Jul 2012
♂ Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 4:50 PM, June 20th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All the articles I read say that women cheat because they have a need that is not being fulfilled at home.
That is all rag magazine crap! Don't believe any of that nonsense written by people who dont have a clue.

Why and for what reason would the police get involved, that would have incensed me, the police usually have better things to do than that. Someone just cannot order furniture out of the house. Something sounds odd there.

Her IC said it would be okay for her to take some things and separate, sorry, I dont really believe that. You might consider asking the IC about that...unless I misunderstood.

But an IC advocated separation sounds a lot like someone else on the board here.

Jduff wrote:

I suspect FOO (Family Of Origin) issues and that FIL likely has a part in it. Blood is thicker than water.
That is serious stuff. I also believe that FOO issues is a cause of many WW having affairs.

It's great you joined a gym.

One thing I missed...Is this OM married by any chance?

Posts: 4297 | Registered: Jun 2002
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