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User Topic: Devastated and hoping
Lark
♀ Member
Member # 43773
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, June 18th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I found out about my husband's two affairs on June 6.

We have been married for 5 years. The gist of it is that he began an emotional affair that turned physical. That lasted August 2013 to January 2014, at which point her husband found out. It then turned to an emotional affair via email.

March, my husband told his mother, who told him he had to end all contact with other woman and tell me. He did neither.

April, his texting with another coworker began increasing, it moved to a physical affair (he said this was purely physical) in May. It continued until I found out.

I found out via a text log. I never suspected. DDay was me asking him to explain him, him denying, then him confessing. But the confession was staggered, over multiple days and included covering things up until finally, June 10, he admitted it all (at least all that I know of to date).

The morning after I found out, I made a list of conditions to consider going to a first counseling session. That he read a book (Helping Your Spouse Heal), he find new employment, he end it with both of them, he tell his mother, he tell his best friend, and he sell his truck (the "where" of the physical affairs). Full transparency.

He read the book 2x that weekend and another 2x over the next few days. Communication did a 180 switch after he read it.

He put in 30 job applications that morning, he has a job interview on Thursday.

He sold his truck the next morning and asked me to pick out the replacement vehicle.

He called both of them and ended it, while I sat next to him. He told his mother. He is still trying to meet up with his best friend, but has been trying to schedule that since last week.

We are now reading NOT Just Friends and he still rereads chapters from Helping your Spouse.

We have couples counseling set up for next week, he is doing individual counseling weekly - he started last weekend.

He took off multiple days of work to stay at home with me and answer questions, look through logs, look through emails. He cries and is horrified during this time and just sits apologizing.

I feel like I have lost an entire year of my life... every holiday, our childrens' birthdays, our anniversary - he was texting them all day or physically with them. All conversations loop through my head. All arguments over the time he supposedly spent "at the gym." All the nights when he sat texting on his phone when he was home. I cycle horribly between obsessing over details, dates, and whys - being enraged and then being deeply devastated.

We were stressed and getting more distant before this happened. I know that does not justify it at all. But it is helping me understanding the "how this could happen" as I read through the books.

He is talking with me about the affairs and says the first one was like a fantasy escape world. They both gave him nonstop attention all day, but the first just worshipped him (she herself was in an abusive relationship and saw my husband as her knight in shining armor). That he got a thrill of this fantasy world. He said he felt guilty throughout, but he couldn't stop himself. he said he had feelings for her, but looking back he feels it was mostly just feelings about the entire situation and not her in particular and she began to annoy him when she kept emailing post-her husband finding out.

I feel devastated but hopeful that we can work through this. This is not the man I married - obviously everyone likely feels that way when they find out about an affair. He seems genuine though, and he definitely looks and acts like he feels horrified realizing what he did and the extent of it. His therapist asked him if he missed the women and he said absolutely not. He told me it was actually a relief to have me find out - as horrible as that sounds. Because he knew he needed help but couldn't stop himself. I do not know what to make of this. I want to believe him but feel my entire life for a year has been a lie... every memory, they were present in some way or another. He swears he will spend the rest of his life fixing this, even if I leave him he will stay in therapy and fix himself for the sake of our children.

There are a few lines that he crossed that I do not know how we will work through it. He took my children to see the physical affair woman. She was with another coworker, but he took my children to see her for an ice cream date. He would text her nonstop while supposedly taking care of our children while I was at work. He sent the first one pictures of our children on special occasions like Christmas, disneyland, camping - to make himself seem like a great dad. And when the first woman's husband found out - he physically stalked my husband and verbally threatened me and my children as retribution against my husband. Despite the very-real physical danger to us, my husband still never came home or even gave me a heads up that we were in danger. We had someone try to gain entry to our house one night, and another night someone sat in our common lawns of our complex watching people - and still my husband never told me. I do not know what to do and make of those things... I guess that is something we will address through counseling.

Thank you for letting me vent. For anybody that made it through this, is it hopeful that he has put this much effort in so quickly? Selling his truck the morning after I told him I couldn't bear to look at it, getting a job interview that week, therapy that week..reading the book so many times and now reading the next. I really really want to believe that this indicates hope and we can get through this.

[This message edited by Lark at 4:12 PM, June 19th (Thursday)]


"Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul." - William Ernest Henley

Posts: 527 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: California
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, June 18th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What a devastating story Lark. Very sorry you find yourself here but very happy you found us. Sounds like you have some good steps towards R with you WH. Sounds like he is doing a lot of things right, but his level of remorse concerns me. Is he just going through the motions and regrets getting caught? Only time will tell I guess.


There are a few lines that he crossed that I do not know how we will work through it. He took my children to see the physical affair woman. She was with another coworker, but he took my children to see her for an ice cream date. He would text her nonstop while supposedly taking care of our children while I was at work. He sent the first one pictures of our children on special occasions like Christmas, disneyland, camping - to make himself seem like a great dad. And when the first woman's husband found out - he physically stalked my husband and verbally threatened me and my children as retribution against my husband. Despite the very-real physical danger to us, my husband still never came home or even gave me a heads up that we were in danger. We had someone try to gain entry to our house one night, and another night someone sat in our common lawns of our complex watching people - and still my husband never told me. I do not know what to do and make of those things... I guess that is something we will address through counseling.

This is really fucked up. Having an A is bad enough, but putting your family in jeopardy and not coming clean about a possible bunny boiler is very disconcerting. What makes him think that any of this is acceptable. Which is why I'm really worried about his remorse. Seems like above all else he was more afraid of getting caught and was willing to sacrifice his family to keep things status quo or copacetic in his own little world.

In the meantime, here's the welcome to SI package of links that I tend to throw out to newbies. You can find most of the abbreviations here in the upper left corner in the Healing Library. Please check that section out here.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/library.asp

There are also many great articles as well as information that you can use to help you in the healing library. Also please read up on the 180 so that you can decide if you want to use it later. You probably don't need it now, but you will hear reference to it all over this site. You may need it later depending on how your situation unfolds. It is designed for you to detach and can be found under BS FAQ here:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11

And more 180 info under the target thread here:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=232785

I would also recommend reading these target threads in the Just Found Out forum:

Tactical Primer
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=235051

Great Posts for Newbies to Read
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=361740

Boundaries and Consequences 101 for all new BS
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=385631

Before You Say Reconcile...
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=406548

Especially pay close attention to the Before you say reconcile article. Very sorry you are here Lark.

Keep reading. Keep posting. Even if it's just to vent. We are here for you.

yop


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2100 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 2:08 PM, June 18th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is very, very hopeful that he took the steps you needed. The key will be consistency. I hope he shows that to you. R is a hard road, but couples do walk it successfully and come out stronger. May you be one of them. Be very, very assertive over the boundaries you are setting up and you will give yourself the best possible chance. Keep firm in what you need and let him step up to give it to you.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4172 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Lark
♀ Member
Member # 43773
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, June 18th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for all of the links and support. His level of remorse is hard for me to make sense of as well. A huge part of me wants to believe him that it is remorse, guilt, and horror over realizing what he has done. Another part of me is suspicious - he has carried on a facade for nearly a year, it is hard to know who "he" is anymore.

The first couple of days were just being shell-shocked on my part alternating with crying and fury. In the immediate aftermath, as in the first words after I realized it was another woman, he blamed all of this on me. I told him that we may have had issues, but an affair is 100% his responsibility. Since that moment, he has accepted full responsibility for it and has not tried to lay any blame on me at all. We will see if that continues once marriage counseling starts next week and we do start tackling not just the affair but issues we were having (which do not justify an affair by any means). His reactions after I found out started with defensiveness, then just sorry, then slowly getting more upset about what he'd done. It peaked on the 10th when he told his mom and I told her the extent of it, after which a switch seemed to flip in him and all his defenses crumbled and he seemed shattered and horrified too. He had been saying sorry and "I will fix this" before that, but it was like a switch flipping that night.

With the other woman's husband, my husband swears he did not think the threat against us was serious. I believe he was completely deluding himself and truly thought that, because I cannot comprehend or even begin to comprehend the kind of monster he'd have to be to know his children were at physical risk. He has always been a very loving and protective father, even if I now know he was also very absent (even while present) due to the other women. I cannot believe he would knowingly put them in harm's way. Obviously he *did* - I listened to the man's threats against us as they were still on my husband's phone - but I think my husband had completely deluded and fooled himself about it. I do not know. This will be a very very hard one to come back from, affair aside.

This is all very very hard. I do feel like his actions are echoing his words, right now, and I really hope they continue that way. He's fully open now with his phone and accounts (I had full access before, but I never thought to check them) , and he tells me whenever a (male) coworker texts him and shows me the conversations so that I do not have to wonder about the number.

I've read through a few of the links and will go through the others too.

eta: the only coworkers he is contacting now are the male ones.

I should add that woman#2 took a leave of absence when she found out the affair was discovered and my husband was looking for other employment. My husband has put in for a transfer to a different hospital (he's a nurse) if she comes back from her leave before he can get a new job.

[This message edited by Lark at 3:16 PM, June 18th (Wednesday)]


"Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul." - William Ernest Henley

Posts: 527 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: California
Lark
♀ Member
Member # 43773
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, June 18th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I also wanted to add, I asked him to tell his best friend so that his friend - who is a great family man who shares our values - would be there to help support him and our marriage through this. I felt it would be important that my husband have a friend and his mom to turn to if he finds some days difficult.

It sounds vindictive without adding on that reason, though. So I wanted to clarify that's why I asked him.


"Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul." - William Ernest Henley

Posts: 527 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: California
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 3:34 PM, June 18th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think my husband had completely deluded and fooled himself about it

That's pretty scary behavior when it comes to family. The normal reaction would be to go into protection mode and become voracious about it. Even with coming clean. There are many waywards here who came clean with their BS upon realizing that they had a bunny boiler situation on their hands. I don't know of any that kept it secret once it escalated to the family being involved. I can see how this would scare the hell out of you. Scares me and I'm not in your sitch.

I do feel like his actions are echoing his words, right now, and I really hope they continue that way.

I do think you have some positives. However, is he doing anything to be proactive? Not only giving you passwords, but also activating a gps, or something like Life 360 I've heard being used around here, does he send you photos of where's he's at? All little things that can be done to help put you mind at ease. Being proactive without you having to ask can help.

It's good that it's all out in the open too with family and the other BS knowing. That will help things in the future. However, is he in IC at all? He needs to get to the bottom of his why he did this in the first place. There are many reasons why, but he needs to dig deep and figure out how he is broken. Why he thought it was acceptable to do this to his family. He's already on the repeat offender list and could happen again if he doesn't fix himself. This is not something you can help him with. He needs to figure out what in himself is broken in order to obtain a better coping mechanism for whatever part of him that is broken to insure that this doesn't happen again,

yop


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2100 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
Lark
♀ Member
Member # 43773
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, June 18th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He wants to put a GPS on his phone so I can track him, but I honestly do not know an app for that and was unsure which app to tell him to download. Is there a recommended app?

He began individual counseling last weekend and will repeat every weekend for the forseeable future. His goals - as stated to me - for the individual counseling is to get at the pathological lying, the deceit, the why of the affair, the mindgames he played on me during (making me feel it was me creating issues), and possible individual history issues, communication issues, etc to work on as well.

He has promised me and his mother that regardless of what happens to me and him, he will continue individual counseling for his own sake and for our children's sake.

Yes the physical danger is hard to comprehend. He glossed over it when he first told me about woman#1 and her husband. he said he was worried the husband would try to attack him and that he'd seen the man following him. It wasn't until I listened to the voice messages from the husband that I realized the husband had also verbally threatened me and our young children too as retribution against him. When I read through the emails to woman#1, I saw that the night someone tried to gain entry to our house, my husband emailed her demanding to know where her husband had been that night - so he DID suspect it was the husband that night. She said her husband was at home with her. When I asked about this exchange, my husband said that he believed her when she said that, and that's why he did not think the man's threats were genuine. He also said that the aggressive husband had his own children and that "he'd never hurt a child." I pointed out how delusional this sounds considering my husband is the one who hurt the man's children by destroying their family, so why wouldn't the aggressive husband want revenge through our children?

It sounds like a horrible soap opera.

[This message edited by Lark at 4:14 PM, June 18th (Wednesday)]


"Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul." - William Ernest Henley

Posts: 527 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: California
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 4:06 PM, June 18th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know if there is a recommended one per say, but I have heard of Life 360 being used. Families use it to stay in touch. GPS, text, etc. Google it.

Delusional at best. Dangerous. Those are good goals for IC. Hope he follows through. Watch and wait.


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2100 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, June 19th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey there. Welcome. I'm glad that you found us for support.

I use Life360, which is a pretty good free app. During moments of real (justified) paranoia early on, I also had a Google earth tracker, which while it's real time and pinpoint, is also a huge power drain.

I hope that you've kept the threatening calls/emails. You will need them if the BH escalates or continues his threats. My gut call is that if you are ever contacted again by the BH, you notify him formally that you do not want any contact from him by any means ever again, and that if he does so, you will file a formal complaint with the police department and ask for a RO (restraining order). While I have the utmost compassion for his pain, you simply cannot allow you and your family to be harassed or threatened. And I would SO be addressing this with your councilor. This is wantonly disregarding the safety of you and your children. This is not the action of a good, loving, and involved father. Let alone exposing your children to his f-buddy.

As far as MC or couples counseling goes, it can be helpful, IF the counselor has experience with infidelity, but right now, the goal should be to fully explore the infidelity, expose it all of it to the light of day, and deal with that. This is not the time to explore why, 3 years ago, when you served hot dogs instead of hamburgers, that it caused trauma in his soul. Were there contributing factors to the breakdown of your marriage? Pretty certain that this is so. Do they need to be addressed at some point. Yes. Were you both in the same marriage and did only one of you cheat? Hell yes. And that last point, is the point that has to be excavated first. Until that fact is explored, understood, and the resulting pain and horror is dealt with, there really isn't a marriage to be saved. This is the ICU unit. You have to stop the bleeding and control the shock before you worry about the finger that got broken.

It may not feel like it, but your actions indicate a very strong, focused woman. That will serve you well on the roller coaster to come. Keep coming back often for support. (((hugs)))


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4805 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Lark
♀ Member
Member # 43773
Default  Posted: 4:39 PM, June 19th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Husband had job interview this morning and they told him he's a very strong candidate for the job. Slight paycut, but better hours (we would no longer be working opposite shifts). It's kind of a demotion, though, compared to what he was doing and I asked if he would be miserable, resentful if he made the switch. he said no, he wanted a clean start or as clean as he could get.1

1st Hiccup/slip/I don't know since the truth waterfall: I went through his phone today and saw a conversation with a coworker (not AP) had been deleted. I asked why, he said it was an accident. I stayed silent and 10 minutes later he told me the coworker had made a raunchy joke and he was worried I would get upset by it, so he deleted the conversation. He apologized and said it was wrong of him to do that and he is working on not knee-jerking in that way. I confirmed with coworker this is what happened. It has still made today difficult though.


"Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul." - William Ernest Henley

Posts: 527 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: California
Lark
♀ Member
Member # 43773
Default  Posted: 4:51 PM, June 19th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Skan. When my husband called OW1 to tell her he had no feelings for her, it was over and do not contact him/us again - he also told her that if her BH contacts or comes near us we will be notifying the police and filing a restraining order against him. He has saved the phonecalls from the BH in case they are needed.


"Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul." - William Ernest Henley

Posts: 527 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: California
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 6:16 PM, June 19th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome Lark.
You two are actually off to a solid start. You seem very together and strong as well. Hang onto that. This shit storm that he has thrown you unknowingly into takes a while to navigate even with a remorseful spouse.

Time will tell if he truly gets it, sounds like does. No anger, complete transparency, saying I will fix this. If you see this changing in any way you need to start watching him very closely. The deleted conversation, is evidence that he probably has some conflict avoidance issues. You may find that he will stumble a few times with this. It's hard not to just snap and go off on him but try to be constructive and not attack him. If he knows that being honest is going to result in a productive conversation then he will be more likely to be open and less likely to be avoidant. I learned this the hard way. I know it seems absolutely ridiculous to have to do anything that makes it easier on them but the whole thing is unfair.

You are lucky he is a nurse and will have many options. Even if he takes a cut in pay working more normal hours is going to help you both heal. He can work hard and work his way up. Hard work usually pays off in our field.

Lastly it is essential for him to get to the heart of his why, and it's not we drifted apart, that may contribute but it's deeper than that. When he gives you and answer to why if you can ask why again you haven't gotten to the root. This will get him to a place where he can really heal himself.

Keep reading keep posting.

((((And strength)))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8523 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Lark
♀ Member
Member # 43773
Default  Posted: 7:44 PM, June 19th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you, tush nurse, the conflict avoidance is a good point for him to think through with his IC.

We are lucky that his field is very in demand, and living in an urban area makes it easy to relocate job and activities away from OW1 and OW2. He did take OW1 for a moonlit stroll on the beach, and I felt sick thinking about taking my kids to the beach. But we live only a mile from the beach, and it was a huge part of our lives. So when I printed OW1s emails, we took them to the beach and he burned rhem there. I told him I was taking the beach back and they couldn't take that from me or our kids. He agreed that is where they should be burned. And it felt good.

It may be stupid, but I don't want him to be miserable or trying to get back at him. By no means do I want to let him off the hook or do whatever, but I feel like the only way we can start finding peace, together or apart, is to work as a team at this. And as long as he's willing to be on my team, then I am too. so I'm trying to listen when he talks and encourage the communication. Doesnt make it hurt less though :(


"Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul." - William Ernest Henley

Posts: 527 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: California
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 8:48 PM, June 19th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That was a great way to reclaim your beach. I can't tell you how many things I burned and the things I couldn't burn I smashed to pieces with a sledge hammer.

I wrote many many letters and burned them too.

You guys are really off to a great start.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8523 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 9:02 PM, June 19th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That was a great way to reclaim your beach. I can't tell you how many things I burned and the things I couldn't burn I smashed to pieces with a sledge hammer.

I wrote many many letters and burned them too.
It's ok to be sad and grieve the loss of your M. But also embrace the new one you are building.
You guys are really off to a great start.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8523 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
RidingHealingRd
♀ Member
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 12:51 AM, June 20th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

he told me the coworker had made a raunchy joke and he was worried I would get upset by it, so he deleted the conversation.

Trigger, trigger, trigger,,,My WH told me the same EXACT thing...but it was before I knew he was cheating, before Dday. I later learned that it was AP/WH texting one another. UGH! Just proceed with caution right now.

I too agree that your WH appears to be doing many things right. He reminded me of my WH during the early days after discovery:

-Stated that he was going to change whether I gave him a second chance or not. He hated who he had become.
-Told me he would spend the rest of his life making it up to me.
-immediately set out to secure another job in a new State
-Took a new job, 3 levels down with a minimal pay reduction.
-Replaced his brand new vehicle (only 3 months old) with another new one...lost money there as well.
-Replaced my car
-Got rid of ALL of out bedroom furniture
-Sold our home
-within 10 days of Dday was in IC
-Read How to help you Spouse heal and Not just friends
-Never once blamed anyone but himself

The list continues...

3 1/2 years out: No broken NC, no false R, no dealing with the fog. He truly walks the walk every day. He fulfilled each and every promise and has continued to work to become a better H, father, human being. We are in a much better place.

Your WH efforts to help you heal are encouraging! Continue to pay attention to what he does, not what he says.

I hope his effort to understand why he did what he did, and the work that he does to become a better person are as impressive.

It is clear that you really do have reason to hope.




ME: 54 BS
HIM: 61 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 3.5 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.


Posts: 2109 | Registered: Nov 2011
Lark
♀ Member
Member # 43773
Default  Posted: 1:20 AM, June 20th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you, that gives me hope. A big part of me is very suspicious at how quickly he's "seen the error of his ways" (not his words, but the gist of it) and switched around. I'm watching his actions very carefully.

That's a good point about the number. I do think it was from the male coworker though - I had seen their previous chat conversations prior to the delete and have documented name/number from existing conversations on dday. So knew it was the phone of a male coworker. From talking with multiple people at his work - the AP is still on a leave of absence. Only one coworker knew of the affair, so I don't think OW#2 would want to involve other coworkers


It is difficult because on some level I have to admit my knowledge of what he can/is doing is limited. If he opens new email accounts, uses snapchat, new social media accts, etc etc - me monitoring the old ones doesn't help. OW#1 was using a secondary email, a pinger for texts, and multiple work phones to contact my husband after her BH found out. There are so many workarounds that it is mindboggling and stressful to even think of trying to track everything.

I told my husband that, that I understand my watching his activity is limited. And if he wants to continue a double life but way down in secret, he may be able to pull it off for awhile - but eventually I'd find out, and we'd be done. So he needs to be an adult and either be all in and take control of himself or leave. ... but I will still monitor what I do/can find out.


"Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul." - William Ernest Henley

Posts: 527 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: California
jamcray
♀ New Member
Member # 43783
Default  Posted: 2:32 AM, June 20th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's amazing to me that he has done so much so quickly. It sounds hopeful to me.

(hugs)

Everyone says it will pass...I know it feels like your world is crushing down on you and it will be hard to breathe and eat and all those other things. When you get to those times just see if you can focus on the next ten minutes, then the next ten, then the next ten. My heart is breaking for you. Hugs again.


Posts: 16 | Registered: Jun 2014
Lark
♀ Member
Member # 43773
Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, June 20th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Husband was offered the job today. Its a slight pay decrease, but they are guaranteeing overtime options for 3 months and after 3 months will be moving him to a position more similar to what he does now with same pay as now. The benefits are huge, our daughter's epilepsy tests and treatments will be covered 100% (theyre covered 60% now). His job potentials are enormous.

I am in tears with how thankful this is working out, despite the reason for it being devastating. Even if we separate, our daughter will be taken care of medically. He will be happy and satisfied at his job, and if we do fully R, he will work normal hours and we wont work opposite shifts. And, he will never work with the AP again, as he starts new job right as her leave of absence ends. This is like a new start


"Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul." - William Ernest Henley

Posts: 527 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: California
RidingHealingRd
♀ Member
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 10:26 PM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And, he will never work with the AP again

^^^ That is wonderful news! And the improved health benefits for your DD are fantastic!

My WH took a pay cut and a drop in management level but he was more than willing to do that. It was ALL FOR THE BEST and certainly helped tremendously in the R process.

It is a new start. You are right to feel thankful, and I would add hopeful.

Congratulations to your H on his job offer.



ME: 54 BS
HIM: 61 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 3.5 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.


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