I found out about my husband's two affairs on June 6.
We have been married for 5 years. The gist of it is that he began an emotional affair that turned physical. That lasted August 2013 to January 2014, at which point her husband found out. It then turned to an emotional affair via email.
March, my husband told his mother, who told him he had to end all contact with other woman and tell me. He did neither.
April, his texting with another coworker began increasing, it moved to a physical affair (he said this was purely physical) in May. It continued until I found out.
I found out via a text log. I never suspected. DDay was me asking him to explain him, him denying, then him confessing. But the confession was staggered, over multiple days and included covering things up until finally, June 10, he admitted it all (at least all that I know of to date).
The morning after I found out, I made a list of conditions to consider going to a first counseling session. That he read a book (Helping Your Spouse Heal), he find new employment, he end it with both of them, he tell his mother, he tell his best friend, and he sell his truck (the "where" of the physical affairs). Full transparency.
He read the book 2x that weekend and another 2x over the next few days. Communication did a 180 switch after he read it.
He put in 30 job applications that morning, he has a job interview on Thursday.
He sold his truck the next morning and asked me to pick out the replacement vehicle.
He called both of them and ended it, while I sat next to him. He told his mother. He is still trying to meet up with his best friend, but has been trying to schedule that since last week.
We are now reading NOT Just Friends and he still rereads chapters from Helping your Spouse.
We have couples counseling set up for next week, he is doing individual counseling weekly - he started last weekend.
He took off multiple days of work to stay at home with me and answer questions, look through logs, look through emails. He cries and is horrified during this time and just sits apologizing.
I feel like I have lost an entire year of my life... every holiday, our childrens' birthdays, our anniversary - he was texting them all day or physically with them. All conversations loop through my head. All arguments over the time he supposedly spent "at the gym." All the nights when he sat texting on his phone when he was home. I cycle horribly between obsessing over details, dates, and whys - being enraged and then being deeply devastated.
We were stressed and getting more distant before this happened. I know that does not justify it at all. But it is helping me understanding the "how this could happen" as I read through the books.
He is talking with me about the affairs and says the first one was like a fantasy escape world. They both gave him nonstop attention all day, but the first just worshipped him (she herself was in an abusive relationship and saw my husband as her knight in shining armor). That he got a thrill of this fantasy world. He said he felt guilty throughout, but he couldn't stop himself. he said he had feelings for her, but looking back he feels it was mostly just feelings about the entire situation and not her in particular and she began to annoy him when she kept emailing post-her husband finding out.
I feel devastated but hopeful that we can work through this. This is not the man I married - obviously everyone likely feels that way when they find out about an affair. He seems genuine though, and he definitely looks and acts like he feels horrified realizing what he did and the extent of it. His therapist asked him if he missed the women and he said absolutely not. He told me it was actually a relief to have me find out - as horrible as that sounds. Because he knew he needed help but couldn't stop himself. I do not know what to make of this. I want to believe him but feel my entire life for a year has been a lie... every memory, they were present in some way or another. He swears he will spend the rest of his life fixing this, even if I leave him he will stay in therapy and fix himself for the sake of our children.
There are a few lines that he crossed that I do not know how we will work through it. He took my children to see the physical affair woman. She was with another coworker, but he took my children to see her for an ice cream date. He would text her nonstop while supposedly taking care of our children while I was at work. He sent the first one pictures of our children on special occasions like Christmas, disneyland, camping - to make himself seem like a great dad. And when the first woman's husband found out - he physically stalked my husband and verbally threatened me and my children as retribution against my husband. Despite the very-real physical danger to us, my husband still never came home or even gave me a heads up that we were in danger. We had someone try to gain entry to our house one night, and another night someone sat in our common lawns of our complex watching people - and still my husband never told me. I do not know what to do and make of those things... I guess that is something we will address through counseling.
Thank you for letting me vent. For anybody that made it through this, is it hopeful that he has put this much effort in so quickly? Selling his truck the morning after I told him I couldn't bear to look at it, getting a job interview that week, therapy that week..reading the book so many times and now reading the next. I really really want to believe that this indicates hope and we can get through this.
[This message edited by Lark at 4:12 PM, June 19th (Thursday)]
