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Newest Member: FeebleHercules (44938)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Devastated and hoping
♀ Member
Member # 43773
Default  Posted: 12:43 AM, June 25th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am really looking forward to the job change. He loves his coworkers and has a very charismatic? personality. But I feel that his work environment contributed to a lot of issues in our marriage (affair aside).

He worked second shift. I worked in the mornings. This alone caused issues because we saw each other mostly in passing except on his days off.

Most of his coworkers are young, single, and none have kids. They would routinely do drinks and hang out after work. Lots of meeting up outside of work. Then the guys started doing gym nights after work. Originally I thought this was great for him to have so many friends... yeah it got old real quick. Pre-affair, he justified the late nights (3-4 hours after work) as "well you're just sleeping" so it didn't hurt anything and didn't seem to notice that it affected our daytime life ad nixed any chance I'd get to see him from the 12a.m.-1a.m. window that we used to have where I'd wait up for him. He'd nap all day when I was home and took forever to get to engaging with his kids while i was at work. His coworkers are all nice (except AP obviously) but they are at a very different point in their lives than him. He wanted and chose to go act like a bachelor in his middle-of-the-night life.

During the affair, this gave him a nice cover for why he was out so late... and he extended it to be 5-6 hours after work. Slept 2-3 hours before taking care of our daughters, obviously quickly became snappish and defensive and distant to me, etc. Everything and everyone suffered.

We were talking about this last night. I was in one of my angry cycles and he talked about how our marital distance seemed to have started slowly about 2 years ago. We talked about how his late-night life with his coworkers PREaffair definitely didn't help.

So one thing that I'm excited about with his new job as we try to work through all of this - all this ginormous mess that's become of our lives - is he will be home *every* evening and we will get evenings as family time. And since he will be working a standard day shift, it's probably much more likely he will be working with families who share his priorities if he befriends them.

Of course, this has completely thrown our childcare plans in disarray, but we're trying to sort those out.

"Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul." - William Ernest Henley

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: California
♀ Member
Member # 43520
Default  Posted: 5:06 AM, June 25th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lark, you sound pretty good all things considered! It's great that your husband has taken the initiative to move jobs--that will make a huge difference in your path to healing and a better family life situation for everyone.

Yes, he crossed lines and I can't speak for him but there is definitely a type of person who once they start to cross boundaries can't stop themselves until they get caught. He was probably relieved that its' over. But! And it's a BIG BUT, he needs to be talking to an IC about how he got into this mess.

I have found the iPhone app "Find Friends" bloody fantastic to keep track of my husband and I would recommend it for you.

Stay strong. Hugs!

Dday: 4th of January, 2014
WH 50
BS 49
18 years of marriage...three children
One affair PA/EA
"You didn't see me I was falling apart, I was a television version of a person with a broken heart." The National

Posts: 183 | Registered: May 2014
Topic Posts: 22
Pages: 1 · 2

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