And then, out of nowhere, the thoughts and rage came back about 5 days ago. "Did it make you feel like a big man to impress such an easy target - a sad, fat pig who leeches onto any dick as if semen contained the cure for low self-esteem?" I asked my H and other such nasty witticisms. I've been once again engaging in revenge fantasies in my head - imagining emailing her family members, employers, and professors or printing up fliers with her name and stupid, bespectacled face on them and something like, "MISSING: My dignity. Last seen in the back of a married father's car, another coworkers bed, or at the bottom of the plate of cheese fries I shame ate the other night. If found, please feel free to punch the dick out of my mouth and let me know!" and hanging them up around her campus and apartment complex. I caved in and spied on her social media again today, looking for what - I don't know. Even though I felt so stupid and guilty for doing it, like I was backtracking from that earlier epiphany, doing so did humanize her again to me and took some of that anger away.
Yet as I said, I really and truly want to move on from her. I want to get to a point where I don't think of her at all and if I do, it's with some regret, but no wishing her harm. I want to use the pain of my husband's A to rise above the petty bullshit, the mean girl behavior I've been prone to indulge in whenever I feel threatened by another woman. I want to be kinder and more mature than that - for me, not for her. I am only three months out and I know this will take time, but I am just feeling ashamed of myself for allowing myself to get back into that dark and useless place the past few days, as she has no idea I'm hating her so hard and isn't impacted by it - it only hurts me. Does anyone have any advice on how to avoid going down the rabbit hole with these pointless and self-destructive feelings toward AP or is this just a matter of time?
[This message edited by Thella at 8:19 PM, June 18th (Wednesday)]
My DDay 1 was a day after our 8 yr anniversary and I was 8 months pregnant. So just last week made a yr of me knowing halffffff the truth. DdY 2 was in Feb when I got more info.
My point? Im in a better place bc of the yr, but also reeling from febuarys trickle truth. All of it will come and go like a hill on a rollercoaster. Up, down, ok.....up , up, up then dowwwwwwnnnnn.
I just want you to know youve been heard. These assholes ruined us and we are here because of it. Stay strong....we are here for you.
[This message edited by Raspberry at 8:32 PM, June 18th (Wednesday)]
MISSING: My dignity. Last seen in the back of a married father's car, another coworkers bed, or at the bottom of the plate of cheese fries I shame ate the other night. If found, please feel free to punch the dick out of my mouth and let me know!"
Now THAT is outstanding. I seriously might have to print that out to share in IC next week.
As for your feelings about OW, I'm not sure. I vascillate back and forth myself. Some days I hope she's miserable and others I want to tell her to get the fuck away from WH because he's just using her for sex. She has three small kids and I know they need their mom. So I kind of really hope my WH leaves her alone and frees her up to find someone who might marry her, as he has stated to me and the kids and everyone else that he has no intention of doing that. I'm not sure she knows that. (YES - I'd love to tell her!!)
I'm hoping that some day she will be insignificant in my mind.