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Newest Member: Sunnyhopeful82 (45341)

Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Addicted?
silverhopes
♀ Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, June 20th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I forgot, one last thing that people here have said before, and it really helped me:

Closure is a myth.

There are no neat loose ends to tie up. That's what can keep us holding on longer than we should - this idea of closure or saying goodbye in a way that makes us feel "resolved".

There's no such thing.


Find peace. Or sleep on it.
Sometimes my monkeys, sometimes my circus.
Infidelities are like icebergs - they may take many different shapes and sizes, but they all damage your ship.

Posts: 3905 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
outtamymind
♂ Member
Member # 33607
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, June 20th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Silver, I'll keep those pointers in mind.

I've read Maia's post as well.

I don't pine for her. So, I'm not worried that I'll reach out to her. I don't need closure.

Looks like I jacked my own thread a bit here.

There have been some great comments. Thank you all.


Me: FWS 45

Divorced


Posts: 323 | Registered: Oct 2011
silverhopes
♀ Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 4:09 PM, June 20th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't pine for her. So, I'm not worried that I'll reach out to her. I don't need closure.

That's good. It didn't sound like you were wondering if you'd reach out to her. It sounded more like you were struggling with reminders of herů Is that right? I was responding more to this post here:

Either way, I felt like I couldn't control my thinking about my AP. After D-day, I suffered from major withdrawal. I was trying to reconcile with my ex-wife, but the mental part of NC was nearly impossible. After a 3 year LTA, there were just way too many reminders of her.

It reminded me of some struggles I'd had too.

How long have you been NC with her?


Find peace. Or sleep on it.
Sometimes my monkeys, sometimes my circus.
Infidelities are like icebergs - they may take many different shapes and sizes, but they all damage your ship.

Posts: 3905 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
outtamymind
♂ Member
Member # 33607
Default  Posted: 4:30 PM, June 20th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's been over a year of NC.


Me: FWS 45

Divorced


Posts: 323 | Registered: Oct 2011
sinsof thefather
♀ Member
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 5:08 PM, June 20th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wonder if he knows the real story. I wonder if he knows who his wife really is.
Is it possible that all this is anger based? That the reason you can't completely let her/it go from your mind is because it still feels like unfinished business? When you paid such a high price for the affair and she seems not to have lost anything at all?


...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1880 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
outtamymind
♂ Member
Member # 33607
Default  Posted: 5:09 PM, June 20th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You may be onto something there, Sins.


Me: FWS 45

Divorced


Posts: 323 | Registered: Oct 2011
silverhopes
♀ Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, June 20th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So it sounds like after your D, you had contact with the AP. Is that what happened? If so, did you hope that she would leave her H and you two would be together? I'm wondering if that might be part of the anger as well.

I may or may not have been addicted, but there has to be some explanation for the panic I felt when I didn't hear from my AP for more than a few hours. Craziness. Could that be it? Insanity? Not addiction?

I learned somewhere that when we think the same things over and over again, or do the same, then it forms a "rut" in our brains: the neural pathways are used to flowing a certain way (I'm not sure the specifics, but it made sense when I heard it). Habit-forming. So if you were used to talking to her several times a day, and it felt good each time, then your brain chemistry might have been unstable once you stopped. Suddenly that jolt of dopamine or whatever chemical wasn't there at the time you were used to, and neural pathways weren't going the same way they used to, or they were, but the same "reward" wasn't happening. I think that sounds like an addiction. I might not be explaining it well or accurately, sorry about that. At very least, breaking a very strong habit. Habits are not easy to break (we have to break the bad ones anyway, of course, no matter how hard).

What habits do you have now when thoughts of the AP come up?


Find peace. Or sleep on it.
Sometimes my monkeys, sometimes my circus.
Infidelities are like icebergs - they may take many different shapes and sizes, but they all damage your ship.

Posts: 3905 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 6:19 PM, June 20th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

painfulpast, by "this group" you mean Waywards? My interpretation of your statement is that Waywards are looking for justifications/excuses for our infidelity by labeling it an "addiction." Did I get that right?

Sorry if I was misleading. No, I was talking about the American Society of Addiction Medicine (ASAM). Actionsoverwords posted the definition of addiction according to this group (ASAM). I was saying that this group (ASAM) has a reason to cast a wider net because the more people affected by addiction, the more profitable it is for them. I wasn't saying all Waywards have reason to open up more activities to being classified as 'addictions'.


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
jaime2014
♂ New Member
Member # 43727
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, June 22nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a question? I am fairly new so I haven't been able to figure out how to read other people's history. But if you found out your AP was divorcing, would you contact her to rekindle?

My MM in My sitch did tell Me in messages that he thinks our love is a "fix". So yes, I do believe we were addicted to each other. However, I also believe it is all biological. Just like when you first met your wife or an ex girlfriend or your first love. Naturally our body releases oxytocin & other bonding pheromones into our system that make us trust & take away all logic. It is the reason there are 8 billion people on this earth. God had to get us to procreate somehow. He is a tricky one.

[This message edited by jaime2014 at 11:45 AM, June 22nd (Sunday)]


Be able to end your marriage in order to save it.

Silence is better than bullshit.


Posts: 38 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Jaime2014
outtamymind
♂ Member
Member # 33607
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Been meaning to answer some of the questions that were asked.

So, yes, I did get back in touch with my AP after my D. But I quickly realized I was just feeding my addiction again, or whatever you want to call it. I was also in the process of moving to another city for a new job I was taking, and felt like I was taking a step backwards. I don't know how to describe it. It just felt all wrong.

So, having a year of NC has been such a mind clearing time for me. It helped me get some perspective. I can now see her for what she really is. I don't know why I was so enamored with her.

If I were to find out my AP was getting divorced, I wouldn't reach out to her. And if she contacted me, she'd get crickets....or a clear message to stay out of my life.

Enough damage has been done. At this point, I'm just trying to repairs relationship with my kids. I still feel a tremendous amount of guilt over the whole thing. Being the perpetrator behind the destruction of my marriage and my family, I feel awful.

I'm still so very sorry for the hurt I've caused.

[This message edited by outtamymind at 9:38 AM, June 24th (Tuesday)]


Me: FWS 45

Divorced


Posts: 323 | Registered: Oct 2011
Topic Posts: 50
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