Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: KingHit4Six (44888)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Should I not have told my best friend?
ButterflyLost
♀ New Member
Member # 43780
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, June 20th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's been 10 months since I found out. I kept my mouth shut and lived in my own private hell until 7 months after I found out. I needed to talk to someone (didn't know at the time that this forum existed). After 7 months, I told by BF and now she HATES WH. She is also considered a mutual friend because she's known WH since they were kids.

Now that I'm attempting R and haven't really made a decision, it has put a strange wedge between my friend and I. She doesn't want to attend any functions where he will be there. WH knows that she knows and he won't be around her either. I now feel pressured to leave WH by my friendoso that adds another wedge. Did I do the wrong thing by telling her?


Me: 29
Him WS: 32, 1 PA...wait...is kissing consider PA? So maybe more..., too many EA's to count, Porn/cam/chat site/craigslist addict.
Us: 1 beautiful little 3 year old girl
Together 6 yrs, married 4.5yrs
PA Dday 8/2013
?

Posts: 15 | Registered: Jun 2014
strongerdaybyday
♀ Member
Member # 40264
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, June 20th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No. I wouldn't say it's wrong but the minute you told her, her perception of your H has changed forever. She'll never look at him the same. It may get better (she just found out) but it will feel forever awkward. My mom had an affair. My dad told his friend. My parents chose to R. It's been awkward between mom and my dads friend ever since. That was 15 years ago.

Your friend loves you and probably feels hurt and betrayed for you. Whether you choose to R or D I hope your friend can be YOUR FRIEND and not your judge. You know?


Me-BW Him - WH
Married 6 years, together 13+ years
D-Day Summer 2013
children-3
If it is what it is then what is it?

**If I edit I'm correcting a typo!**


Posts: 384 | Registered: Aug 2013
NeverAgain2013
♀ Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, June 20th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What is she, 12 years old? She sounds extremely emotionally immature.

A friend is supposed to support you and give you a safe haven to express your feelings. Your friend has taken it about 17 levels higher than necessary and is acting like a kid in junior high whose waged a hate war on another classmate. So freakin' childish.

Let me ask you this. You said that you've suffered in your own private hell for 7 months. Why is that? Aren't you able to talk at length whenever you want with your husband to let out some of your feelings of hurt, betrayal and anger and his cheating?

If not, then he needs an attitude adjustment real quick. HE'S the one whose supposed to be doing the hard work and heavy lifting to clean up the mess he made, NOT you.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1748 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
Losconang15
♀ Member
Member # 42544
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, June 20th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i dont think you did the wrong thing. I did you did what was helpful for you. You needed someone to talk too and you did just that. I think the moment you tell anyone, it couldve been your friend or your mom or who ever, their perception of your WH changed. That's not something you can control because honestly, i think the one that YOU look at your WH is different too. I think what you can try to do at this point since both of them are avoiding each other, is talking to your best friend. Talk to her and tell her what your feelings are about the subject. While you completely understand how she feels, you want to work things out with your WH and it would be great if she can support you with your decision. You want to be able to have both people you care about together. I would also have a talk with WH and explain it the same way. He needs to understand why you shared with her, and why he needs to maybe talk to her as well.


Together - 14 years
Married - 7 years
DDay- Jan 15, 2014. WH had EA/PA

Hopeful reconciliation.


Posts: 75 | Registered: Feb 2014
WhereIsHome
♂ Member
Member # 43662
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, June 20th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah same boat here. Didn't know what to do when I found out so told my tight inner circle have known my entire life. It's my wife's issue I didn't cause her affairs. I needed someone to talk to or would have had complete meltdown. Glad I did as well I am super honest and would have felt like complete fraud if I didn't tell the ones I love the most.

[This message edited by WhereIsHome at 1:04 PM, June 20th (Friday)]


I was betrayed - 39
Wayward Wife - 38
D-Day1 May 2011 bought her lies didn't get confirm on 1 till dday2.
D-Day2 Good Friday 2014...Good Friday have to laugh a little on that one.
Daughter #1 Stillborn
Daughter #2 Doing great

Posts: 89 | Registered: Jun 2014
cdnmommy
♀ Member
Member # 30182
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, June 20th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did I do the wrong thing by telling her?

Absolutely not. And I disagree with NeverAgain that your friend's actions are childish. She is justifiably angry with your WH.

That being said, have you had an honest conversation with her about what support looks like to you? She may think that her indignation is supportive, not realizing that you don't see it that way. I had to tell my mother, a consummate conflict avoider, that I had made a decision to attempt R and that while I appreciated her being angry on my behalf, and understood her feelings, that the best way to support me was to support us.

If, after expressing what you need from your friend, she is unwilling to change her stance, then I would say you need to consider whether she is someone you want to include in your life.


Me: BW
DDay: Oct 2010 + 6 weeks false R
2.5 (+?) year A with married coworker/my "friend"
1 great kid.
Reconciling and healing

Posts: 1732 | Registered: Nov 2010
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, June 20th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This can be a tricky situation.
Your friend has a right to be mad, she has a right to disagree with your choice to R even. What she doesn't have a right to do is make you choose one over the other.
This stuff is painful and can trigger others depending on their life experience. Menacing if she had a cheater spouse that didn't even try to R she may be unable to understand why you are even trying.
I would let her know that she needs to support your choices and if your H is doing the hard work and changing and healing then you will ultimately be stronger and happier. So she should be proud and happy because the path you chose worked.
I told few people, But those I did had a period of time that was awkward. But now all is well and they respect us more for doing the work and obviously being happier and stronger than before.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8420 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, June 20th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This can be a tricky situation.
Your friend has a right to be mad, she has a right to disagree with your choice to R even. What she doesn't have a right to do is make you choose one over the other.
This stuff is painful and can trigger others depending on their life experience. Menacing if she had a cheater spouse that didn't even try to R she may be unable to understand why you are even trying.
I would let her know that she needs to support your choices and if your H is doing the hard work and changing and healing then you will ultimately be stronger and happier. So she should be proud and happy because the path you chose worked.
I told few people, But those I did had a period of time that was awkward. But now all is well and they respect us more for doing the work and obviously being happier and stronger than before.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8420 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Charity411
♀ Member
Member # 41033
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, June 20th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think you did the wrong thing. I was kind of in your friends shoes when my sister came over to tell me that her husband had cheated on her. My sister and I are extremely close and I was furious at my BIL.

I was angry for alot of reasons. It was apparent for over a year that their marriage was in serious trouble. During this time my BIL would come over to my house to get away from my sister when he and my sister were fighting. I live right across the alley so it was convenient. My sister is wonderful but she doesn't fight fair. In a fight she can't be wrong. I'd hear his side of it and then later my sister would show up without him and I'd hear her side and I'd try to give them both some perspective. I finally asked my BIL outright one day if he was having an affair and he denied it. I was livid that he hurt my sister. I was livid that he lied to me. And I was livid that he sat there and let me empathize with him knowning damn well that the real reason for their problems was he had a mistress.

I am no longer livid. Today I love my BIL like a brother. The affair he had came at a very difficult time in his life for other reasons. It was terribly wrong and he knows it and they did the work and reconciled. Their marriage is infinately better than it was before the affair.

So try and appreciate how your friend feels at the moment. She loves you and is protective of you because of it. But if and when she sees your H change and work to rebuild your marriage those feelings of anger will subside is my guess. This is all still very new to her and she needs to process it. It took me about a year to stop being pissed at my BIL.


Posts: 325 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Illinois
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, June 20th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BL, I do not think you did the wrong thing. From my own rotten experience, I will forevermore caution people to be selective in who they tell. Having said that, you probably felt like she was a safe person to tell. After all, she is your bf. And by safe I mean, she was going to support you whether you stay with your WS or left him.

So, I get that your bf is angry. She needs time to process this but let her know in no uncertain terms that this is the hardest thing you have ever done. That whatever she feels, you feel ten-fold but you need to focus on rebuilding the M and you would love her support. Do not tolerate her dumping on you about your H bc again, this is hard enough.

After 18months, my bf is still not ready to see my H or speak to him (he offered to see her) in spite of the many times I have communicated his ownership, his remorse, his new take on our life together. At this stage, I think this says a lot more about her, then about the situation.

Good luck BL. And remember, you have already been through so much. You don't need it coming at you from another angle.
LA


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2270 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
annanew
♀ New Member
Member # 43693
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, June 20th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Maybe your friend has been through something similar? There was a period of time when I just couldn't bear to be around any WS, it made me furious. If that's it, I'd have some sympathy for her.

If that's not it, then let them fend for themselves. You don't need this right now. Make sure you don't encourage it by "warning" one when the other will be around, for example. And tell your friend you'd appreciate her support while you try reconciling and tell her the reasons you think it is worth trying. Then just let it go and let them do what they will.


Happy single mom to a sweet little girl.

Posts: 37 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: California
WhereIsHome
♂ Member
Member # 43662
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, June 20th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One other comment about this. I think I wouldn't have told my inner circle in search of support from the get go if my WW had been completely remorseful and sorry when I presented smoking gun. Instead she blame shifted and said we need to work on the problems in our marriage which are the real issues and not her affairs.

If she would have been balling her eyes out..

I am so sorry
We have a good life why did I ruin it
You didn't deserve this
etc. etc.. etc...

Maybe I wouldn't have felt the need to seek support and counsel from my loved ones. Instead I more had the feeling she was disgusted that the jig was up. Also, I had felt completely lonely for the past year and was just so sick and tired.


I was betrayed - 39
Wayward Wife - 38
D-Day1 May 2011 bought her lies didn't get confirm on 1 till dday2.
D-Day2 Good Friday 2014...Good Friday have to laugh a little on that one.
Daughter #1 Stillborn
Daughter #2 Doing great

Posts: 89 | Registered: Jun 2014
ButterflyLost
♀ New Member
Member # 43780
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, June 20th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am glad that I never told my parents about it.

You are all correct, I do need to have a serious conversation with her and let her know that I'm trying to R and would appreciate her support.

WH doesn't want to be around her because he is terribly embarassed that she knows. I have no sympathy for that.

Maybe your friend has been through something similar? There was a period of time when I just couldn't bear to be around any WS, it made me furious. If that's it, I'd have some sympathy for her.

The only serious relationship that she's ever been in is with her current husband and she made it clear that she's never been through that with him. Actually, I might be a little mad at her because the first thing she said after I told her is "I do not like him. I don't like you with him and I've felt this way for a long time". I felt blindsided by that.


Me: 29
Him WS: 32, 1 PA...wait...is kissing consider PA? So maybe more..., too many EA's to count, Porn/cam/chat site/craigslist addict.
Us: 1 beautiful little 3 year old girl
Together 6 yrs, married 4.5yrs
PA Dday 8/2013
?

Posts: 15 | Registered: Jun 2014
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, June 20th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The only serious relationship that she's ever been in is with her current husband and she made it clear that she's never been through that with him. Actually, I might be a little mad at her because the first thing she said after I told her is "I do not like him. I don't like you with him and I've felt this way for a long time". I felt blindsided by that.

Well. Its no doubt you felt mad. Your bf is telling you that she never liked your H. WTF? What are you supposed to do with that?

I call this Righteous Anger. There is always the friend who thinks they have their shit together and cannot stand for one moment anything that threatens their take on the world. So, in their world, when a spouse cheats, you leave. Done. Over and out.

You might eventually want to let her know that it takes more strength to stay and work it out and you might find that your M is stronger in the end. I hope it is. You deserve nothing less.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2270 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Topic Posts: 14

Return to Forum: Just Found Out Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.