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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Really, can't a girl get a break?
Unagie
♀ Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 11:31 PM, June 20th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To be honest I don't think it reeks of manipulation, i mean really if we want to get technical here just as a WS has no idea what a BS is feeling a BS has no idea what a remorseful WS feels. The desperation can completely take over and behaviors can seem so selfish because all we want is to somehow save what we destroyed. Is it a bit paradoxical? Yes it is yet that's the truth. Like Mrs. Panda I smothered. He left the bed I went after him, I brought up everything I could remember anytime I had a memory, I was his own personal sex machine on call whenever, I made cakes and cookies and his favorite meals, and I cleaned all the time. None of this was driven by maipulation it was complete desperation...I didn't want to lose him. Then I completely broke when I realized it all was never going to get me and him together again if he was done then he was done and i had to heal too and I finally let go.

When I let go we connected more and talked in ways we weren't able to before. We ended up broken up for other factors. Sosorry I understand the desperation but its not your help he wants. He must be able to be okay solo because you destroyed the team so he has to relearn how to live life as a single entity, that's healthy. He will stumble and go down and get up and walk again because he wants to survive this. Allow him to heal and be okay. Others see what he looks like as well if he needs help he has people to reach to. Work on you.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

"To be loyal to myself is to allow myself to grow and change, and challenge who I am and what I think."


Posts: 2767 | Registered: Oct 2012
solus sto
♀ Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 7:20 AM, June 21st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I find the subject line of the post very interesting. With absolutely no snark--truly, with genuine kindness--I would suggest that you look at it carefully, then try to place it within the context of the contents of your first post. How does it fit? A ask, because faulty thought patterns (of which I had so many I had to rent storage space, so please don't think I'm being judgmental) really demand close examination, acknowledgment, and concrete tactics to change.

I'm not suggesting this is work you should have done already. This is early days. Nor am I suggesting that you should know, intuitively, how to do it. I am simply suggesting that you think about what this is really about, and then--with competent counsel--find ways to retool your thinking, when you're ready.

[This message edited by solus sto at 5:17 PM, June 22nd (Sunday)]


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8888 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
SoSorry17
♀ Member
Member # 43415
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, June 21st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To those of you that have supported Swat and I and to those of you the care. This is what happened yesterday.

We meet and were having dinner and he was talking about us separating and what our expectations should be. He was talking about how depressed he was and how he just wished the whole mess would come to an end. He said he didn't have anything left to fight with. His depression had gotten worse and he didn't want to take any medications to fix it. He asked me if I thought the kids and I would be alright without him. He got really pale and started sweating. He said he had to leave and went into the parking lot. He collapsed in the parking lot and I called 911. He is currently in the cardiac care unit. His blood pressure and heart rate were so high they were surprised that he didn't have a stroke. The doctors said he had a "minor or mild" heart attack, but due to his excellent physical conditioning should make a complete recovery. They are concerned about his mental health though. One doctor said it seems he has given up the will to live.

I spent the night with him, but this morning he asked me to leave. He said he didn't want any visitors. He doesn't want to see the kids or my family.


BH-SWAT70 Me-39
Three kids 11,6 and 3
He did file for divorce, the marriage will be ended 10/23/14.

Posts: 244 | Registered: May 2014
Joanh
♀ Member
Member # 39146
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, June 21st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok that is very , very scary. I have sat with my BH when his bloodpressure has skyrocketed. Having anxiety attacks that have sent him to the hospital as well.

There is a point where the depression kicks in deep.

The thing is you can keep telling him you love him, and the kids love him. And you have to tell him, he is needed.

Problem is he may not hear, this is hard. They will call in a pyshc doctor that is almost guaranteed and if needed you need to tell the doctor what is going on.

A lot of BH as I have read have gone through this part , part of the process. And please don't take this as me being coldhearted analysis. SWAT may need meds and if he is anything like my BH, the ego the *man* part of him thinks drugs are usless and no good and I don't need the help.
Sorry to all the BH out there is this is too generalized. Sorry, its what I hear from mine.

Your BH sounds like he needs extra help.

Mine list 4 sizes in pants, I lost 3 sizes in 3 months. So the weight loss, heart palpitations, night sweats, night mares, high blood pressure, that is *normal* suicidal thoughts. = needs extra help. .

Talk to the doctors. He will probably be pissed cause you talked about it however, I think he needs help too.

Please let us know how he is doing, stay strong, SWAT needs you more now than ever, do not loose your direction. You need to be strong , he needs you to be strong.


BH 39
WW 43
D day November 9, 2012
3 children 22, 8, 6
Just....

Posts: 437 | Registered: Apr 2013
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, June 21st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I assume he is conscious then. Is he able to function relatively normal? Movements, speech, etc.?


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6333 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
HobbesTheTiger
♂ Member
Member # 41477
Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, June 21st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry to hear what has happened!

How are you feeling? Is there anything we can do to help you at this moment?

I would agree with Joanh, it is in my opinion crucially important that you immediately tell the doctors at the hospital about the nature of the conversation and your fear of his suicidal thoughts. They need to know the seriousness of the situation, otherwise they might decide to let him get out of the hospital without the help he needs.

He might be upset with you, at least for a while, for saying that, and I don't know how it would affect his job, but whatever it is, the cost is worth it if he will get the help he needs. Even if it's in the form of being held in the hospital until antidepressants start working (and antidepressants have a dangerous starting/interim period of several weeks where they can increase the suicidal thoughts, so it's important to be observed during that time - at least from my experience in taking them).

So make sure he either stays in the hospital while he's starting the treatment of ADs, or that he stays with your family (if I recall correctly, he gets along well with his BIL) and they have him under 24/7 surveillance, and make sure the kids are around him as much as possible.

That's it for now, I hope others will give their thoughts soon. I really really hope you will take care of yourself as well in these tough times, he needs and your kids need you to be strong! And you deserve to take care of yourself, your physical and mental health is important as well!

Best wishes to all of you


BxBf, 26
Lots of FOO&other issues, working it through therapy
Legal profession

Posts: 256 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Continental Europe
SoSorry17
♀ Member
Member # 43415
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, June 21st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Aubrie, Sluggish and in pain, but he is awake and talking.


BH-SWAT70 Me-39
Three kids 11,6 and 3
He did file for divorce, the marriage will be ended 10/23/14.

Posts: 244 | Registered: May 2014
knightsbff
♀ Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, June 21st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((Sosorry)))))

He needs a psych consult stat. Obviously you were 100% correct when you said he wasn't ok. He needs counseling and suicide watch. I know this is heart wrenching and terrifying for you.

I'm not sure if I can give good advice here but it doesn't sound like he can be relied upon to make healthy decisions for himself right this minute. Did you tell the doctors what he said to you? About wanting it all to come to an end and would you and the kids be alright without him? They need to know.

In your shoes I think I would fight for him. Not for the relationship at this point but for him. And encourage others that he loves to fight for him too. Make sure he knows that whether you are together are apart that you love him and will fight for him to find peace and happiness again in whatever way you can. Get him the help he needs. Tell the health care providers you are concerned he's suicidal.

He has been so strong throughout this whole mess. We've all been telling him how strong he is and what a BH rock star and hero he is. I worry the pressure to maintain that was too much for him to let himself fall apart and be weak when he needed to.

I'm so sorry. I'm praying for you both, as well as the kids and your family. There are so many of us behind you.


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

I edit often because I make a lot of typos. ☺️


Posts: 1503 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
SoSorry17
♀ Member
Member # 43415
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, June 21st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The doctors are aware of what happened and said they would make sure he was evaluated.


BH-SWAT70 Me-39
Three kids 11,6 and 3
He did file for divorce, the marriage will be ended 10/23/14.

Posts: 244 | Registered: May 2014
SoSorry17
♀ Member
Member # 43415
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, June 21st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have advised the doctors of what happened and what he said. They assured me he would have a mental health evaluation. But the did say he has requested no visitors and that he said he doesn't want them talking about his treatment with me.


BH-SWAT70 Me-39
Three kids 11,6 and 3
He did file for divorce, the marriage will be ended 10/23/14.

Posts: 244 | Registered: May 2014
HobbesTheTiger
♂ Member
Member # 41477
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, June 21st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How are you doing&feeling? What are you doing to:
1. keep your immune system going (maybe taking some extra vitamins,...?)?
2. give your body&mind an outlet for the anxiety (running, boxing, getting in the car with the doors closed and music playing and then screaming (i did that, very helpful)?
3. to gather support for yourself? Have you talked to your family? You need to activate your support structure...

What can we help with?


BxBf, 26
Lots of FOO&other issues, working it through therapy
Legal profession

Posts: 256 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Continental Europe
floridaredman
♂ Member
Member # 15122
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, June 21st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But the did say he has requested no visitors and that he said he doesn't want them talking about his treatment with me.

This is the depression talking.

One doctor said it seems he has given up the will to live.

He has given up. He is a protector for the most. He takes responsibility for not being able to protect his family from what has happened. Logically he knows its not his fault, his ego however can't accept that. He is facing the same scenario of his parents and his childhood.


He is trying to push you and the family away. He doesn't want a reason to live

Don't let him.

He loves you, he's said it and shown it many times. He needs you to prove you love him or he will give up.

Even though he is trying to push you away...what he really needs is you to prove you want to stay.

No matter what..don't give up...he really needs you now


The simplest thing can be the hardest thing to do....FRM

Posts: 2537 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
nekonamida
♀ Member
Member # 42956
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, June 21st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The best thing you can do for him is respect his wishes. If he's suicidal, he's currently in the hospital with trained professionals watching him and will be getting the help he needs. Until he's ready to come to you about it, respect his no visitation wishes and support him from the sidelines. When someone you love tells you what they need from you, listen. He is in as safe of a place as he can be even if he is suicidal.

Posts: 102 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: United States
HobbesTheTiger
♂ Member
Member # 41477
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, June 21st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ask the doctors/psychs what they recommend in this type of sitautions.

Maybe it would be beneficial if the children drew pictures, made letters, made videos for daddy that the doctors could give to him?

Maybe you could write letters for him along with that, or maybe your family members. Just to let him know how much all of you love him and cherish him?

Maybe the kids could select a stuffed toy/action figure to give to him so that they could "watch out for him (SWAT)"?

And then he can decide if/when to read/view them or not.

I don't know, I'm just throwing out ideas of how important people can be "there" with him without physicallly being present.


BxBf, 26
Lots of FOO&other issues, working it through therapy
Legal profession

Posts: 256 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Continental Europe
saturnpatrick
♂ Member
Member # 35989
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, June 21st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow. I am sorry I didn't get the seriousness in your earlier posts. Obviously he was not ok.

I am speechless. Up until now you and swat's situation was much like mine so I could speak from experience. Now all I can do is wish you luck.

Our thoughts are with you and swat.


BH
I typo therefore I edit.

Posts: 197 | Registered: Jun 2012
StillStanding1
♀ Member
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, June 21st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hobbes took the words out of my mouth. I agree 100%.

Many of us have been quietly cheering you on, but today I am letting you know I am sending you both strength, good wishes, and prayers.

Please let him know he is loved and needed. Find a way.


Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 721 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
caspers1wish
♀ Member
Member # 28720
Default  Posted: 1:35 PM, June 21st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No words except prayers and positive thoughts to you both. Now's the time for you to be the strong one for the both of you and I know you can do it. Big hugs. Please keep posting on how you are doing and the status of your mental health.

(((SoSorry17)))


Me - FWW (35)
Him - BH (34)
Kids - Ages 6, 8, 10
Married 13 years, together 18 years.
Last D-Day - November 2008

Posts: 789 | Registered: Jun 2010
SoSorry17
♀ Member
Member # 43415
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, June 21st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well I just got some good news. My mom and SIL apparently just barged in to visit and he allowed it. He refused to talk to my brother and asked that he and my dad not visit, so they left. Mom called me and said that he just saw a cardiologist and she said his heart seems to be fine, but she wants to run some more tests. She said his ECG from yesterday indicated a likely heart attack but his blood work didn't show any enzymes. I have no idea what any of that means. They are still concerned because his blood pressure is still very high and so is his heart rate. But it is better than yesterday. My mom said he asked when he could leave because he didn't want to stay. The doctor said he could leave after some more test were done but that would take at least two days.

The kids are upset because they haven't seen him. I explained he was sick and had to go to the hospital but they want to go see him. Middle boy has his doctor kit and wants to go make him better. Our daughter has already made him a card and picked flowers. How do I tell them he doesn't want to see them right now, when I don't really even know why?


BH-SWAT70 Me-39
Three kids 11,6 and 3
He did file for divorce, the marriage will be ended 10/23/14.

Posts: 244 | Registered: May 2014
SoSorry17
♀ Member
Member # 43415
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, June 21st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone I really appreciate your support. I'm upset and worried, but I'm doing ok.


BH-SWAT70 Me-39
Three kids 11,6 and 3
He did file for divorce, the marriage will be ended 10/23/14.

Posts: 244 | Registered: May 2014
StillStanding1
♀ Member
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, June 21st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You don't. You tell the kids that the doctors won't allow it. Period. Don't give the kids anything additional to worry about. Take care of them. They need you. Let the doctors take care of SWAT. You take care of the kids.

(((((SS17, SWAT, and kids)))))


Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 721 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
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