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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Really, can't a girl get a break?
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 1:56 PM, June 21st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sosorry,

I'm keeping you,swat and your kids in my prayers.

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5162 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Schadenfreude
♂ Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, June 21st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SS 17. Is his behavior substantially different than the last time he was stuck in the hospital? He may be the type of guy who doesn't want to been seen as sick, weak, needing care, etc. that's why I'm asking.

From my understanding, enzymes confirm an actual heart attack. I think the enzyme is called CPK. You can probably Google that and get some basic information about what no CPK means. A good sign as I recall. But don't trust my limited and faulty medical knowledge. Doing a little research, like Wikipedia instead of bulshit holistic healing sites, will help you understand what the doctor is telling you.

He's is allowed to keep his medical information private, unfortunately.
So if you hear HIPAA regulations prevent blah blah blah, it's legit. Hospital staff's hands are tied. They can ask you for information, but can't disclose his information. Our medical professionals could explain it better than I can.

God bless all of you.


Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
StillStanding1
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Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, June 21st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My last post seems to have gotten lost...

But I wanted to say: please just tell the kids that the doctors won't allow visits from them. Period. Don't tell them that their daddy doesn't want to see them. There's no way they can understand that without taking it personally.

Let the doctors take care of swat. You take care of you and your children. You need to do that for him too. And your kids really need you right now.

((((SS17, SWAT, and kids)))))

ETA: sorry... Now it shows up.... Very odd. Sorry to post same thing twice!

[This message edited by StillStanding1 at 2:01 PM, June 21st (Saturday)]


Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 692 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
HobbesTheTiger
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Member # 41477
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, June 21st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You, your family & kids are so sweet and caring, I like that, it warms my heart.

1. Great that they barged in and showed him how all of you care.

2. Tell your kids that Daddy loves them, but that he needs to rest and that when he can, he will see them. This is not lying, because he needs to rest, and when he will be able (mentally), he will see them.

Tell them all to 1. each select one of their toys to keep daddy company and 2. each draw a picture/make a card (like your daughter did), and then have someone (like your mom) take them to the hospital. That way, they'll have a feeling that they helped their dad.

Tell your middle boy that it's great he wants to help and that daddy will be proud when he'll hear how he wanted to help, but that at the moment he should pray for daddy (is your family religious) and help him by praying, and the doctors at the hospital will help him by doing doctor stuff.

3. maybe have a sleep-over at your parents' house, make an event (movie night, game night,...) that will help them break the routine and perhaps for a while take their mind off their dad. And maybe your mind will be able to relax just a little bit, which would be great.

I'm glad to hear you're doing well, considering the circumstances! Sending you all best wishes!


BxBf, 26
Lots of FOO&other issues, working it through therapy
Legal profession

Posts: 203 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Continental Europe
Red Sox Nation
♂ Member
Member # 26358
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, June 21st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sad news... I hope he makes a full recovery.

Emotional stress is particularly difficult for a problem-solver like SWAT. This isn't a situation where anyone can follow a procedural manual and fix everything. He can build houses and arrest criminals and any number of pretty incredible feats.

But he can't process your affair and figure out a way to make it better.

I wish I had better advice. It must be torture for you to see this stress consume him and you're the last person he's going to turn to for help right now. He needs your support network more than ever, and his make-up - what makes him SWAT - keeps him from gaining benefit from it.

Forcing the issue, unfortunately, will make things worse. He has to be the one to turn to you. Yet every time he thinks about it, there are reminders of your affair. Responsibilities he can do well - like install cameras and keep track of the legal process. But those add stress.

Hang in there. Just live your life as a good person, take good care of the kids, learn from your mistakes as we all do. Be the person you want to be and he'll see that - and it will, slowly, give him the encouragement he needs to move forward positively.


When someone tells you who she is, listen; when someone shows you who she is, listen carefully.

Posts: 1883 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Midwest
SoSorry17
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Member # 43415
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, June 21st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hobbes, thank you. Reading your ideas, it makes perfect sense. But my brain is a little frazzled and I'm not thinking clearly.

My dad and brother are here with me. They said he is mostly talking with SIL. They have always gotten along really well. They both have this we married into this crazy family thing going on.


BH-SWAT70 Me-39
Three kids 11,6 and 3
He did file for divorce, the marriage will be ended 10/23/14.

Posts: 227 | Registered: May 2014
Unagie
♀ Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, June 21st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry to hear this and am keeping you both in my thoughts.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

"To be loyal to myself is to allow myself to grow and change, and challenge who I am and what I think."


Posts: 2756 | Registered: Oct 2012
SoSorry17
♀ Member
Member # 43415
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, June 21st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Schadenfreude, your right he doesn't like to be sick and he doesn't want to appear weak. The last time was a little different. He wasn't able to move and was immobilized at that time. But he wasn't the best patient either.


BH-SWAT70 Me-39
Three kids 11,6 and 3
He did file for divorce, the marriage will be ended 10/23/14.

Posts: 227 | Registered: May 2014
Schadenfreude
♂ Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, June 21st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Then, maybe not wanting to have visitors isn't a total rejection of others. Small solace, I know, but you know what he was like last time.

Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
BrokenButTrying
♀ Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, June 21st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SS, your gut was right. You know SWAT and you knew something was wrong. Keep listening to that gut of yours, I know it's telling you not to give up on SWAT. Don't. He needs you now so be there for him.

He has a strong, caring family around him and I know you guys will get him the help he needs.

How are you doing? I know it's a scary time but you've already made a great start on your coping mechanisms, find that inner strength of yours and support your kids.

I hope SWAT is out of hospital soon and can start making a recovery.

[This message edited by BrokenButTrying at 3:25 PM, June 21st (Saturday)]


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - 01/10 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1235 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
JanetS
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Member # 2766
Default  Posted: 3:46 PM, June 21st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is bringing tears to my eyes.

Your strong protective husband needs help, but he's not familiar with needing help and asking for help. He let it all bottle up inside of him, and this current event is the result of that.

He won't see you right now, you've got to respect that, but I like the idea of writing letters (and maybe number the envelopes in case he takes a week or so to read...you might want them in chronological order). And send as much stuff as you can from the children. That's what his heart needs.

Once he does start talking to you you have to let him know that you want him to lean on you. He has protected you for years. Now he needs protecting. I think your roller coaster is firmly rolling, but this event is very serious. You're going to have to go deep down inside yourself and find the strength he needs. Be his rock until he is able to be strong again.

I'm so sorry for all of your family.

(just a thought....when he is released, if he is still in strong depression, I think that he may try to confront AP!!! This of course would be a big mistake. I don't know what you can do to guard against that, just be aware of this potential risk).

Hugs to you.

[This message edited by JanetS at 3:48 PM, June 21st (Saturday)]


Posts: 2579 | Registered: Nov 2003 | From: Niagara-on-the-Lake, Canada
knightsbff
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Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, June 21st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cardiac enzymes are CK, CKMB, and troponin. Absence of cardiac enzymes in his blood indicate that there was no damage to his heart muscle but the doc is concerned because there were some changes noted on his ECG.

This all sounds very good. If he ever gets in a sharing mood you will want to know what his lipid panel looked like because he may need some diet changes and long term medications. He may be resistant to these interventions because of his personality type. Does he have a family history of heart disease, high blood pressure, or stroke?

ETA: CK, and CKMB could elevate due to lots of exercise or muscle wasting (not eating enough), or even dehydration.

[This message edited by knightsbff at 4:04 PM, June 21st (Saturday)]


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

Posts: 1453 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
k8la
♀ Member
Member # 38408
Default  Posted: 4:36 PM, June 21st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SS - I spent the day thinking about your situation and SWAT.

There is way too much pressure on SWAT to decide to stay or go. He's feeling so much pressure from within himself because he loves you and can't reconcile what's happened logically with staying married, but his heart wants to.

There are many voices agreeing with the logic side for him - that he should make the separation stronger so that his heart will get in sync with his head.

The stress for him is unbearable.

My WH wound up in the hospital due to stress - him trying to make amends to me for years of being unfaithful financially, and emotionally; while also being in an untenable employment situation at the same time, that part of his amends required that he stay employed. Add an evil creditor, an attorney who wasn't communicating with him, and the spiritual healing he needed to do and BAM! there came the chest pains!

SWAT moving away from you removes one level of stress that is hurting him. It's not you as much as being around you frequently triggers the inner conflict for him. But there are things you can do behind the scenes for him to ease his pain. Seeing you occasionally isn't the problem. It's the daily normal which doesn't jive with the ever present pain that's the problem. It's not a bad thing to have some distance.

Consider talking with the doctor about lifestyle supports that might help him recover physically from the emotional overload he's dealing with - think nutrition, sleep, physical rest, and proper exercise.

Being careful to make sure you are not seen out in front getting attention (part of your personal recovery), coordinate healthy meals prepared for him by a neutral chef, so that he doesn't experience this as you being "wifey", but you just being a friend. For example, your brother could take him something nutritionally healthy wrapped in an obvious restaurant box, so it doesn't come across as you having prepared something. A cooling pillow, or bedding that gives comfort but less familiarity would also probably help.

And consider getting him a gift of therapeutic massage - a more clinical therapist who isn't the "fluff and buff" kind but a male therapist who can deal with the emotional work that clinical massage therapy can provide. Do some research.

Become invisible, and powerful. This will take reconnecting with a strong spiritual foundation. Whatever you believe, immerse yourself in service and prayer and study, so that your quiet intuition on how to serve invisibly becomes empowered.


Posts: 158 | Registered: Feb 2013
SoSorry17
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Member # 43415
Default  Posted: 5:58 PM, June 21st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

knightsbff. His mother was diabetic and suffered a stroke when he was about 24. She had another stroke about ten years later and passed away. His dad had a heart condition and passed away several years ago, but I don't know a lot about his father or any other family. I want to thank you for your info, while it doesn't make sense to me. Your post made me feel better knowing it doesn't seem so bad.

Mom and SIL came over. They said he seems to be getting better physically. SIL pulled me aside and said she thinks he needs some help with getting therapy. She said she tried to convince him to talk to a psychiatrist, but he refused. She said she didn't push him because he was talking to them and not me or my brother and dad. She said she thinks he doesn't want them to see him like this. Swat loves and respect my dad and brother so much. I don't know if I ever mentioned this but SIL is a therapist for kids. I know Swat respects what she says. She said he actually argued with her about therapy, so she backed off. She said he maybe discharged as early as Monday, and when they left because was going to have a pysch evaluation.

I explained to the kids that he was sick and they couldn't see him right now because of that. They did make some cards and the boys have some toys to take to him, DD made him a bracelet. Middle boy is sending his "Real heroes" police officer and the youngest is sending his Captain America action figures. It humbles me because the kids understand him so well and they want to be just like him.

My family has been very supportive, but I can almost feel their disappointment in me. They haven't said anything but I can sense it.

Me, I'm sad, mad and disappointed in myself. I'm all sorts of messed up right now. I can't believe it has come to this and I'm angry I let this happen.


BH-SWAT70 Me-39
Three kids 11,6 and 3
He did file for divorce, the marriage will be ended 10/23/14.

Posts: 227 | Registered: May 2014
JanetS
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Member # 2766
Default  Posted: 6:21 PM, June 21st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Me, I'm sad, mad and disappointed in myself. I'm all sorts of messed up right now. I can't believe it has come to this and I'm angry I let this happen.

Ya know, I can understand why you are feeling that way. Those feelings are very valid.

But, here's the thing......

(and you've heard this before) "this is not only about you and your feelings". No doubt you are flooded with emotions and feelings right now. It'd be impossible to NOT feel all of that. But your sad/mad/disappointed feelings have to come second to doing whatever you need to do for your children, for yourself and, at least for the foreseeable future, for SWAT (if he'll let you help). And even if SWAT says "no", you've got to be ready, at all times, in case he changes his mind and decides to accept help from you.

I cannot imagine how horrible this is for you right now. My heart goes out to you fully. You've been doing well on working on yourself, I applaud you for that. Whether it is easy or not you're going to have to rev it up a notch due to this emergency.

Your family is in my thoughts and prayers.

[This message edited by JanetS at 6:23 PM, June 21st (Saturday)]


Posts: 2579 | Registered: Nov 2003 | From: Niagara-on-the-Lake, Canada
solus sto
♀ Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 7:03 PM, June 21st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so, so sorry to hear this.

I would caution you not to make the leap from physical illness to, "he needs a psych consult and suicide watch, stat!"

He has a physical illness. It may be related to stress. That he feels awful physically--while reeling from recent events--does not mean he is spiraling the drain. It means he needs to be right where he is.

I know how scary it is. Stbx has a long, terrifying cardiac history--so I really understand. If you need an ear or shoulder or medical interpreter, feel free to PM.

Send our love to SWAT. He'll be okay, truly. He's a strong, strong man.

ETA: love to you and the kids, too. Be sure to be kind to yourself and to eat, get enough fluid, and rest when you can.

[This message edited by solus sto at 7:04 PM, June 21st (Saturday)]


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8729 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
painfulpast
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Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 8:21 PM, June 21st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SS - I'm so sorry this has happened. How terrifying that must have been. I'm truly just sad for all involved. It's heartbreaking.

I'm going to throw this out there - I'm not sure how relevant it is or isn't, but it may be possible:

The last time SWAT was in the hospital was when he was nearly killed, I assume, since you said he couldn't move, etc. Also, if memory serves. this was a milestone of some sort in the A. Is there a chance just being in the hospital is a big trigger for SWAT? If so, is there anything that can be done? By that, I mean making sure his room has a completely different view of the outside than his last room did? Or bringing in home blankets so it isn't exactly like the last hospital bed he was in?

It's just a thought, and I may be off on what happened A-wise during his last hospital stay, but if this is triggery for him, it could make his depression deepen.

I'm so glad you shared that he was talking with some of your family. Isolation and holding everything in isn't what SWAT needs, regardless of what he wants.


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1893 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
yearsofpain25
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Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 8:44 PM, June 21st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The best advice in this thread has been from floridaredman on page 2. I've said similar things before in your previous threads about SWAT's FOO situation. Go back and read floridaredman again.

From the yop family to yours, we are thinking of you. Sending you strength and courage. Hope you are all doing as well as can be under the circumstances.

yop


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2154 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
Gemini71
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Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 10:43 PM, June 21st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm a BW who ended up suicidal and in a psych hospital about three months after D-Day. You definitely need to respect his request for no visitors and don't pry too much into his health. As far as SWAT's concerned, you are no longer next of kin.

Luckily I had a support system outside of STBXH and his family. The LAST person I wanted help from was WH/STBXH or his family. My hospital stay was a wonderful break from reality, and hopefully SWAT's stay can be that for him as well. Even just a couple days relief can be very helpful.

I know SWAT doesn't have family, but does he have friends besides your brother? Friends that can help him out without being a constant reminder of his pain? I would try to recruit anyone that falls into that category to help him. Yes, he sounds like he needs a good psych consult and ADs, but you are not the person who can do this.


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1803 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
5454real
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Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 10:55 PM, June 21st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SoSorry, you and your kids are in my prayers. He can be a stubborn cuss can't he? A lot of us BH's *knew* we could *handle* the A. Hell, this is the 5th time a woman has betrayed me, easy, peasy right? I handled it so well that when I went in for oral surgery my BP was 240/130. I was given the choice of going directly to my GP or they would call an ambulance for me. BP meds and anti-anxiety/sleep aids were the prescription for the next 2 years. I'm off the anti anxiety, but the BP meds are likely to be for life. Swat needs to follow the Dr's prescriptions to the letter.

He loves you, he's as conflicted as a man can be right now. Your family is his family. A man he considered a friend and mentor is actively trying to destroy him. He's scared(and rightly so) to turn where he was once able to find support. Be there for him, as much as he will allow. Realize he's scared. You know him best, if he needs space(and there WILL be times he needs it), give it to him. If he allows it, show him FIERCE love and devotion. Show him that he's needed. His comments about the kids show that he's not feeling that right now.

Sending you as much strength and mojo as I can. You and Swat and your children are in my prayers.


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2872 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
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