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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: In Denial
WhatHappensNow9
♀ New Member
Member # 43811
Default  Posted: 5:44 PM, June 20th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Been married for 22 years and he has a 2 year affair with a married women that is still going on and he cant seem to stop contact with her. How long do I go on? He tells me he still loves me but that might not be enough.

Posts: 2 | Registered: Jun 2014
hopefull77
♀ Member
Member # 43221
Default  Posted: 5:59 PM, June 20th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So sorry you find yourself here...but you will get lots of support and there is plenty to read...
My husband too had a 2 year affair ....we are doing well but it takes work...Individual counseling is very helpful...
read up on the 180....sounds like you need to start it ASAP...
Again this site is always open and filled with people who know and understand....
I wish you peace


me-BS
him-WS
3 adult children 1D 2S
married-1977
LTA 09-2010 - 11-2012
D-day - 11-11-2012
status - reconciling and very hopeful
"Let Go of Control; Let God's Life Flow" ...Richard Rohr



Posts: 522 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: sunny california
Schadenfreude
♂ Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 6:13 PM, June 20th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Go to page 2 of Just Found Out. A little more than half way down there are several threads marked with targets, and one called 20/20 hindsight. Read them I'd start with 20/20 which is an excellent summary of what a Betrayed Spouse (BS) should do.

Then, go to Healing Library which is just above Dr. Phil's face. FAQ for BS will help.

Don't just skim these no matter how painful reading them may be.
Your Wandering Husband (WH) is in a Long Term Affair (LTA) and from the little you've posted, not at all ready to end it. If he's not ready to end it, you can't Reconcile (R) with only one person doing the reconciling. So you have to detach, using the tips provided in the 180 to steel yourself to the fact that the Marriage (M) might end. It also has the potential benefit of letting WH know how life on his own will be, too.

Might be too early, but also consider meeting with a lawyer to learn rights and responsibilities in the event of Divorce (D). Know the issues: support, custody, property division, pension rights, medical insurance, time for proceedings, costs and fees, and have an estimate of assets and liabilities. Many lawyers will meet for free and spend some time explaining these issues to you.

Finally, read some of the JFO threads here. You will learn that those who do what the voices of experience tell them tend to do better (i.e. shorter times of the pain you are feeling) as they feel some empowerment.


Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
Gotmegood
♀ Member
Member # 41407
Default  Posted: 6:58 PM, June 20th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happens Now- oh honey I'm so very very sorry you had to come here. We are here for you though, 24 ~7.
Your name 'what happens now' tells a lot. You are looking for advise as to what YOU can do to make him stop, make him wake up, make it all better. Here's the first thing you need to understand in all of this: you cannot direct his choices, his actions; just as NOTHING you did or didn't do cause him to behave this way. You cannot 'nice' him back to you. You can, and certainly should at this point, start looking out for yourself. Make an appointment with an attorney like, yesterday. Be armed, know your position financially. Be strong and act strong in front of him. I know that for me, there would be no way I could knowingly be in a marriage with three people. I would have to either ask him to stop all contact, or move out. Your next call should be to a therapist for YOU. He can join you later and call it marriage counseling if he decides to remain in your marriage.....which means the other woman is history. Read all the stuff the other poster suggested....it's all true, and it's invaluable.


Me: faithful wife 62.
Him: WH 64 , prostitute 20 yr old
DDay: 8-13-2013
Status: boinging up and down like a yo-yo

Posts: 465 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Florida
Gotmegood
♀ Member
Member # 41407
Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, June 21st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What's going on.....how are you doing?


Me: faithful wife 62.
Him: WH 64 , prostitute 20 yr old
DDay: 8-13-2013
Status: boinging up and down like a yo-yo

Posts: 465 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Florida
Didact
♂ Member
Member # 42867
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, June 21st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WhatHappens,

I don't know if you are still reading this, but from my experience the single most important thing you can do now, if you want to save you marriage, is to tell the other woman's husband. When both Affair partners have a reason to stop, the hope is that one of them will be sure they want their marriage. The affair ends. Perhaps equally important, he deserves to know. Over time, he will eventually find out. To him, it will feel like you were complicit in their lies if you don't tell. (Some here will disagree about whether you actually were complicit).

Affairs are built on secrets and lies. Destroy the lies so that everyone involved is dealing with truth.


No matter how painful, life either adapts or it dies.

BH (Me) 49
WW 48
Married 1985
D-Day Mar 19, 2014
1 year passionate EA/PA, ended by me on d-day.
Attempting to R


Posts: 230 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: United States
WhatHappensNow9
♀ New Member
Member # 43811
Default  Posted: 6:36 AM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Roller Coaster Ride and I am almost ready to get off the ride. I have done some reading and am trying the Tough Love approach, I asked him to move out and he did not. He decided that he wanted to fix us and repair the broken pieces in our marriage. I took him for his word and was hoping for a change. Well actions speak louder then words and three days later he went on a 4 day weekend with her. They went to a wedding together and it happened to be over our anniversary. This entire time he is texting me and left me a anniversary card but is with the other women. I keep telling myself something is wrong with him. Last night he told me that he was going to end the relationship with her and he never came home(yet). I just don't understand. If he does come home I have a Christian counseling session already set for both of us and I have seen a counselor for myself and he is seeing someone on his own. I am making a appointment for a attorney for at least a consult. My priorities are my children and myself. I am strong and will make it thru this emotional journey somehow. Thank You for the advice it has been helpful. I am very grateful to know that others have gone thru all of this and can survive.

Posts: 2 | Registered: Jun 2014
12yearsloyal
♀ Member
Member # 43064
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My D day was March 10th. It does get a little better with time. It is not easy but I think what happens is you get stronger with time. You start to realize that you can survive without your WS. Still very difficult because I don't know if I am in R, still waiting to see the remorse. If I don't see it I will go to D. Have been in counseling and will do some more. These are not easy situations for any of us. The selfish people creating them are totally broken because if they knew how bad betrayal felt I don't think they would do it.


Him: WS, Selfish, mental, mid-life crisis LTA EA PA
Me: BS American, Blonde, thin, attractive (and none of that mattered)
OW: Caribbean whore (RuPaul is better looking)
What will it profit a man if he gains the whole world but loses his soul?

Posts: 161 | Registered: Apr 2014
crisp
♂ Member
Member # 34236
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do yourself a big favor and skip (for now) the joint counseling. As you educate yourself you will find out that MC (marriage counseling) is only beneficial to a betrayed spouse (BS) when the wayward (WS) is completely remorseful and totally committed to reconciliation (R). He is clearly not--at least not yet.

For now, focus on you. Get healthy by removing him and your relationship with him as the primary focus. Once he is not the beginning, middle and end of your existence, you will be able to put things in proper perspective and make rational decisions.

The role of a MC (and especially a religious based one) is to do everything possible to keep both of you in the marriage. As a result, they will probably ask you to rug sweep and forgive instead of looking out for your interests. As you will find out from reading here, that type of approach will cause you much harm and ultimately be bad for your marriage prospects.

Read up on the 180 and impliment it.


Endeavor to persevere. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=csEzTwKemwY

Posts: 383 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: NE US
crisp
♂ Member
Member # 34236
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is a post by Damaged71 submitted yesterday in a thread I will provide a link to below. Please read it:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=533075&AP=81&HL=34236


Endeavor to persevere. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=csEzTwKemwY

Posts: 383 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: NE US
Didact
♂ Member
Member # 42867
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did you tell the OW's Husband? Seriously, this will give you the best chance to save your mental health.


No matter how painful, life either adapts or it dies.

BH (Me) 49
WW 48
Married 1985
D-Day Mar 19, 2014
1 year passionate EA/PA, ended by me on d-day.
Attempting to R


Posts: 230 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: United States
StillStanding1
♀ Member
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just sending support and hugs. How awful for you! I know what it's like to have a "waffling" spouse who claimed he still loved me but didn't want to give up his AP. That your WH went away for 4 days with her would've killed me. Stay strong and detach to protect yourself. Be kind to yourself and make sure you are drinking water, eating, and sleeping. Exercise if possible. It helps with the stress.

Just remember: You. Will. Be. Okay.

It will be miserable and painful and hard, but you will make it through. Sending you all the strength I can via the Internet.

Concentrate on you. You are a special, unique, and wonderful human being. Don't ever forget that.


Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 684 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well actions speak louder then words and three days later he went on a 4 day weekend with her.

I agree - skip the counseling. He'll just lie and say whatever he thinks will bring you back around. This man is toxic.

This ends when YOU end it. The only reason this is in your life is because you haven't removed it. I don't say that to be harsh - but to hopefully get you to see that you can get away from this whenever you choose.

First - as was said - tell her husband. Telling OBS means you are BOTH watching, seeing what they're up to, etc. She'll have so much to deal with if her BH knows, she'll be hard pressed to continue with your H.

As for you, you asked him to leave. If you mean that, the next time he leaves and doesn't come back, then it's time for 'hefty bags'. What that means is this: Grab some hefty bags, throw his clothes and any items that are exclusively his into them, and put them on the lawn, or in the garage. Lock the door and move some furniture in front. Then text him, tell him where his things are, and that he no longer is welcome in your home.

You don't deserve this. He's clearly beaten you down emotionally if you're still dealing with this.

I don't really understand where OW's H is. Does he travel? How is your H able to spend the night with her, or go away for long weekends?

Hefty bag, seriously. Call some friends over for support. Post here. But please, don't fall for his lies about what he's going to do anymore. He's not going to change, because he has no reason to change. He has his girlfriend and his wife. He has his fun with her and his stability with you. He will only change when his life is going to change whether he likes it or not. That's when he'll decide what is really important. 99% of the time, that's the BS. If, for some reason, it isn't in this case, just think of how many more months or years of pain you saved yourself by getting this drama nightmare out of your life.


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1893 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
Topic Posts: 13

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