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User Topic: Honoring a Friend. 21 years after her suicide.
FindMyselfAgain
♀ Member
Member # 36969
Default  Posted: 11:33 PM, June 20th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WARNING: This is long.

There are many personal reasons for sharing this, but that would distract the focus of this post. For perspective's sake, I would like to share that I wrote this at the age of 15 the day after she was laid to rest. Today is the first I have shared it with anyone.

Please allow me to introduce you to the first (and until very recently) only REAL friend I had:

Meika says
it is time to contemplate our being here.
Meika says
now is not the time to be normal,
and she shaves her head.

And I don't want to be here
with the papers strewn around my feet.
I don't want to be here
where everything is obsolete.

But Meika wears
bright red lipstick
and black eyeliner
and she dabs perfume on her chin.
So I think if I really tried,
I think if I really focused,
I think I could love Meika.

Meika puts the bottle to her mouth,
says she's doing it for the pain, not the pleasure.
Meika closes her eyes and waits for it to take effect,
and she smiles at me and says
I am the most beautiful soul she's ever met.
I look away -
I've got nothing new to say.

And I don't want to be here
with all these empty bottles
filled with all these empty memories.
And I don't want to be here
where all the lights seem too harsh.

But Meika wears
bright red lipstick
and black eyeliner
and she's got a tatoo of a dolphin.
So I think if I really tried,
I think if I really focused,
I think I could love Meika.

Meika sits in the corner of the room
playing solitaire.
She says, "even in a crowd you are alone,"
and she brushes a tear from my cheek.
Meika lies naked in the snow,
says she is happy just to be here with me.
And I nod and never reply -
I have no honesty to give to her.

And I don't want to be here
where everyone wears a mask.
And I don't want to be here
where the little things you do go unnoticed.

But Meika wears
bright red lipstick
and black eyeliner
and she knows all the words to Ave Maria.
So I think if I really tried,
I think if I really focused,
I think I could love Meika.

It's 12:30pm on God's Holy Day
and the rain is falling on everyone
except Meika and me.
And her mother comes to me with smeared mascara -
says, "I never really knew Meika.
If you don't mind, I'd like to get to know you."
And I turned my back...
I'd rather not try.

And I don't want to be here
with the priest and his blessings.
I don't want to be here
dressed in black.
I don't want to be here
where Meika's name falls from
everyone's lips like a disease.

But Meika wore
bright red lipstick
and black eyeliner
and she said she loved me more than Bob Dylan.
So, Meika,
I tried.
And, Meika,
everything is in focus now.
So, if it's not too late,
Meika,
I love you too.


*********************************
As a sorta sidenote, when she was buried, Meika was not wearing bright red lipstick or black eyeliner...

Thank you to all of you who have taken the time to read this, and to help me honor a friend whose lessons in love still affect me today.


DDay: October 7, 2011
R finally started in earnest: April 2014

Posts: 176 | Registered: Sep 2012
MovingUpward
♂ Guide
Member # 14866
Default  Posted: 6:29 AM, June 21st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Meika and FindMyselfAgain)))

I know that this was probably really tough to share. I am not sure what to say but your beautiful writing brought tears to my eyes.


AKA Moo

Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; they’ll scratch you up time and time again but in the end you’re polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.


Posts: 51895 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Big Blue Nation
metamorphisis
♀ Administrator
Member # 12041
Default  Posted: 9:07 AM, June 21st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If it's possible, you just literally made me 15 again for a few moments while I read.

Thank you for sharing Meika and yourself with us.



“We don't see things as they are; we see them as we are.”... Anais Nin

Posts: 44364 | Registered: Sep 2006
unfound
♀ Member
Member # 12802
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, June 21st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

this is absolutely the most beautiful, expressive and poignant thing I've ever read.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your friend.
Thank you for sharing her, and these words with us.


((findmyselfagain))


ka-mai
*******************
From time to time, I do consider that I might be mad. Like any self-respecting lunatic, however, I am always quick to dismiss any doubts about my sanity. DK

Posts: 14832 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: mercury's underboob
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, June 21st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been crying for 5 minutes now. Thank you for sharing that. Very beautiful. Very sorry for your loss.


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 1932 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
jo2love
♀ Moderator
Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, June 21st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((FindMyself)))

I'm so sorry for your loss. That is a beautiful, touching poem.


Posts: 34638 | Registered: Mar 2011
FindMyselfAgain
♀ Member
Member # 36969
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, June 21st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for helping me to honor her memory. It is long overdue, she was an amazing young woman. And sharing her with all of you, even after all these years, has brought about a new sense of peace for me. Thank you, again.


DDay: October 7, 2011
R finally started in earnest: April 2014

Posts: 176 | Registered: Sep 2012
lynnm1947
♀ Member
Member # 15300
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, June 21st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Beautiful poetry. Even more beautiful sentiment. (((FindMyselfAgain)))

As a former editor, I suggest you find a place to publish it so other FindMyselfAgains can learn to love their Meikas.

[This message edited by lynnm1947 at 11:17 AM, June 21st (Saturday)]


Age: 64..ummmmmmm, no...............65....no...oh, hell born in 1947. You figure it out!

"I could have missed the pain, but I would have had to miss the dance." Garth Brooks


Posts: 7179 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Toronto, Canada
persevere
♀ Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, June 21st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If it's possible, you just literally made me 15 again for a few moments while I read.
I felt exactly the same way when I read it.

Thank you for sharing that with us FindingMyselfAgain.


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4456 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
FindMyselfAgain
♀ Member
Member # 36969
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, June 21st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Caught up in my own strange web of emotions, the tears have been flowing at the beautiful responses from you. Her friendship and the sudden loss of it have had a profound affect on me and how I have been living my life, both positively and negatively. Thank you for letting me share, and I so appreciate the kind words and compassion you are sending my way. I don't know all the reasons I felt so compelled to post this, but I'm glad I did.


DDay: October 7, 2011
R finally started in earnest: April 2014

Posts: 176 | Registered: Sep 2012
Random thoughts
♀ Member
Member # 2959
Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, June 21st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank You for sharing this with us.


Those three words are said too much and not enough.
Chasing Cars-Snow Patrol.
FWW

Posts: 1578 | Registered: Dec 2003 | From: Some where in New Jersey
FindMyselfAgain
♀ Member
Member # 36969
Default  Posted: 8:28 AM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bump for t2g

(t2g)


DDay: October 7, 2011
R finally started in earnest: April 2014

Posts: 176 | Registered: Sep 2012
Topic Posts: 12

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