Silence is better than bullshit.
lovemywife4ever, your BS is in self preservation mode. You may or may not be able to change her mind, but that doesn't mean you stop doing the work. Show her your actions back up your words. Without that, R definitely will not happen.
[This message edited by lieshurt at 1:31 PM, June 22nd (Sunday)]
Your wife is drowning here. Her life is not what she thought it was and she is trying to make sense of the devastation. Yes, we hear your pain. Every Wayward on this forum who has even tried to do the work knows exactly what it feels like and it is horrible. Use this pain to get in touch with hers. Use this pain to learn the lessons of why infidelity is such an evil thing. Motivate yourself with it and find the reasons why you went there and fix the things that led to it.
Where you are sucks. We know, we've been there. You are still a person and you are hurt too. Catch your breath and start getting to work. SI is here for you.
Lovemywife she is in crisis mode. Read the post here in the forum called "How much does my BS hurt?" There's also some stuff in the Healing Library that will bring some understanding.
One step at a time. Be gentle with her. Deep breaths.
[This message edited by Aubrie at 1:58 PM, June 22nd (Sunday)]
"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne
"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?
Man up bois! You chose to cheat, you stick your weiners in someone else, some of you even promised your OW's the moon & the stars only to one day disappear.
@lovemywife4ever keep working--I am in the same place she is. Just be there for her
Everyone else - You are supposed to contact a mod if have you an issue. Let's stop derailing the thread and give the OP support.
No longer together
"To be loyal to myself is to allow myself to grow and change, and challenge who I am and what I think."
Imagine that none of your cheating ever happened and instead you and she had lived an apparently betrayal free relationship up to now.
Now, imagine you find out, not told by her, but find out from reading an email that she used to be a man and underwent sex change surgery not long before you met. You had no idea.
Now, imagine that you find out, not told by her, that she is HIV positive, knew it before you guys decided to get married and never told you. You had no idea.
Now, imagine that you find out, not told by her, that one of the bio kids you thought you had together is not actually yours. She knew but decided not to tell you because she was afraid you would leave. You had no idea.
Would you feel like it was fine for her to have withheld that information from you? Would you have wanted to know any of those things before you decided to tangle your life up with hers? Who withholds that kind of information? Who is she? Did you just not know who she really was? Why did she hide such important information from you? How could she lie to you for so long and still claim to love you?
That is the level of damage to her subjective reality that she is dealing with. She needs time and space to work through this. Just worrying about how it's impacting you is not helping her. It's mostly just worrying about you.
I've very much noticed a trend that you make a post and then don't much respond to questions people ask you. A few people have mentioned along the way here that you seem to just be grasping at straws, wanting her to get over it as quickly as possible. It's as if you are aware that you have some mental processes that you need to fix but because it's hard and the efforts you have put in so far aren't yielding tangible results you are frustrated and feel like giving up and see the whole thing as pretty unfair.
Now is the time to learn how to sit and be okay with difficult feelings. If you are going to learn to empathize with your BS, you are going to be experiencing those in spades. She is probably going to feel crummier before she feels better and it's going to be up and down for a long time to come. If you can't be patient with her through this part of the process, then you are probably not looking to her like a great candidate for reconciliation.
Wholesome coping tools will serve you well if you will take the time to learn them. Have you ever considered the idea of a mindfulness practice? Try googling those words and have a look at what comes up.
Hang on, this is a pretty rough ride. This place is a wonderful resource for support and there are a lot of smart people further along the path than you or me. They've helped me a lot and if you are willing to pick up a shovel and start digging you will find that it is possible to survive and even thrive after infidelity. But you have to do the work of rewiring your brain into an improved set of decision making tools. Tools that lead you to an existence that is more whole and less fractured. Authentic.
Alright this is bordering on preachy (or maybe I've already crossed that line). Wishes for your understanding of the truth and the strength to bear it from a fellow EvolvingSoul.
Digging our way through.
I know she went to church because she was gone for just over an hour and had the church program in hand when she came back. It's only a mile away so I could have gone there if I didnt believe her, so dont suggest she wasn't there.
You are projecting. She is not you, she's not a wayward. Of course she was at church. Stop projecting, stop questioning her actions. Needing space is normal.
The point is I try to reach out and she rejects me. She seems to be more interested in being done with me.
She's hurting. She's turning away from you because you caused the pain. She's healing herself, support her.
My Ddays - 01/10 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13
Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.
Yesterday, I saw that nasty post. I avoided the rest of the day being on here. I told her. She was more mad than me I think. Thank you for those that helped and do so each time I am an ass.
The one thing I wish she would know is that I have cried so many times in private before and since she's known because I hate myself for it.
What difference do you think it would make if she knows that? That says you are thinking more about yourself and how you are feeling. My husband cried and I knew it and honestly, I didn't care. Not for some time did his crying about what he did, affect me. It just didn't. Him staying locked in shame and hating himself meant he was of no help to me whatsoever. Shame keeps you focused on yourself.
You can't let one stranger's comments derail you, but it appears that you have a defeated attitude before you even begin and you are very easily derailed. Instead of looking at that post, go back and read all the valuable advice you got from everyone else. Read them all over and over until it sinks in.
Other WS have been where you are at and they can help you through that if you keep asking for help and listen to them.
Find out why you did what you did and fix it. It hurts. It's hard. But hey, can fixing the mess really be any worse than what you've already done? Really?
Your subject line is selfish. You haven't switched places. Your wife has not cheated on you. The only thing you have done is allowed the shame and drama to cloak you. Which diverts your attention. Focus. Slow down and focus. It's the only thing that can save you.
Imagine you're in a bay. Thrashing around. Miles from shore. Keep acting out and splashing like mad, you're going to get weak and sink and die. Stop thrashing. Focus. And swim for shore.
You can do it. But do you want to?
(This message is vastly different from the blatant madness upthread. This is not meant to bash or beat you up. But to make you think. And hopefully change.)