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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: we switched places
lovemywife4ever
♂ Member
Member # 42834
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, June 22nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BS walks around in a daze and says she feels nothing. She is back and forth with R or D. She filed but we were still trying to R and she suggested remarriage if it works. I have to be punished by D in her mind. I do get that. Now lately she is pulling farther away. Today she left this morning to go to church. I called her within minutes of her leaving to see if she was ok. She didnt answer and texted that she needed to be alone. I know she went to church because she was gone for just over an hour and had the church program in hand when she came back. It's only a mile away so I could have gone there if I didnt believe her, so dont suggest she wasn't there. The point is I try to reach out and she rejects me. She seems to be more interested in being done with me. I would do anything to show and prove to her that I am here til death do us part. I know its no excuse, but my stupid one-time cheating was before we were married. Yes we lived together. She is inconsolable about how I never told her and I let her marry me not knowing. She wants out. I want her and have been trying to figure out how to be better. At the time I did this, I was the one unsure. She wanted to work things through and I just did this stupid cheating. Now I feel like she is the one that's not sure and I am doing it all for us both. It's like we switched mental places. Sorry for the long post.


Me-WS
Her-BS (deena04)
Upper 30s and kids at home (hers/mine/ours)
Cheater-me 2.5 years into relationship, 2 months before engagement, 1.5 year before M...this is not an excuse but a timeline of our life

Posts: 184 | Registered: Mar 2014
jaime2014
♂ New Member
Member # 43727
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, June 22nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am an ex-ow as well as an ex-bs & it amazes me how when shit hits the fan you waywards go running back to your mommy's aka wives with your tail between your legs...oh sooo sorry. Gently, I'm not being mean or trying to ridicule you, I am just observing this wayward forum while shaking my head @ all the needy waywards whose wives have come to their senses & they just can't handle it. Man up bois! You chose to cheat, you stick your weiners in someone else, some of you even promised your OW's the moon & the stars only to one day disappear. It's funny as a former OW & BS to watch you beg for your Mommy's...that's all.


Be able to end your marriage in order to save it.

Silence is better than bullshit.


Posts: 38 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Jaime2014
lieshurt
♀ Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, June 22nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jaime2014...wtf?

lovemywife4ever, your BS is in self preservation mode. You may or may not be able to change her mind, but that doesn't mean you stop doing the work. Show her your actions back up your words. Without that, R definitely will not happen.

[This message edited by lieshurt at 1:31 PM, June 22nd (Sunday)]


Choices, Chances, Changes.....You must make a Choice to take a Chance or your life will never Change.

Posts: 13801 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
NoGoodUsername
♂ Member
Member # 40181
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, June 22nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jaime2014,
that was a real asshole move and nothing but an indulgence in cruelty. I don't care what passive-aggressive disclaimer you put on the end of the message, it doesn't change the truth of what you just did there.

lovemywife4ever,

Your wife is drowning here. Her life is not what she thought it was and she is trying to make sense of the devastation. Yes, we hear your pain. Every Wayward on this forum who has even tried to do the work knows exactly what it feels like and it is horrible. Use this pain to get in touch with hers. Use this pain to learn the lessons of why infidelity is such an evil thing. Motivate yourself with it and find the reasons why you went there and fix the things that led to it.

Where you are sucks. We know, we've been there. You are still a person and you are hurt too. Catch your breath and start getting to work. SI is here for you.


Me: WH
Her: BW
Dday 7/11/13
"May you be protected from hearts that are not humble, tongues that are not wise and eyes that have forgotten how to cry."

Posts: 252 | Registered: Aug 2013
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, June 22nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow Jaime. Klassy. If you don't like the WS forum, click out.

Lovemywife she is in crisis mode. Read the post here in the forum called "How much does my BS hurt?" There's also some stuff in the Healing Library that will bring some understanding.

One step at a time. Be gentle with her. Deep breaths.

[This message edited by Aubrie at 1:58 PM, June 22nd (Sunday)]


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6287 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
inknots
♀ Member
Member # 22132
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, June 22nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jaime2014, your profile says you are a male. Yet you are also an ex-OW?

Posts: 911 | Registered: Dec 2008
lostinthesouth
♀ Member
Member # 41377
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, June 22nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ok sorry in advance-no stop sign--block me if you have to--but this shit made my blood boil.
Man up bois! You chose to cheat, you stick your weiners in someone else, some of you even promised your OW's the moon & the stars only to one day disappear.

Obviously you were promised something and got left behind in unicorn land-

@lovemywife4ever keep working--I am in the same place she is. Just be there for her


Posts: 107 | Registered: Nov 2013
SI Staff
Moderator
Member # 10
Red  Posted: 3:05 PM, June 22nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

jaime2014 - Post respectively or stay off the thread.

Everyone else - You are supposed to contact a mod if have you an issue. Let's stop derailing the thread and give the OP support.


Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
Unagie
♀ Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, June 22nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lovemywife she is not rejecting you per second she is doing what she needs to do to heal. To be blunt this is not about you. It never even entered my mind to mention that she would be somewhere other then church as you said. The fact that you felt the need to make that statement though makes me wonder if you had that thought.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

"To be loyal to myself is to allow myself to grow and change, and challenge who I am and what I think."


Posts: 2759 | Registered: Oct 2012
EvolvingSoul
♀ Member
Member # 29972
Default  Posted: 3:34 PM, June 22nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lost, I don't think you are really getting how much damage she is dealing with.

Imagine that none of your cheating ever happened and instead you and she had lived an apparently betrayal free relationship up to now.

Now, imagine you find out, not told by her, but find out from reading an email that she used to be a man and underwent sex change surgery not long before you met. You had no idea.

Now, imagine that you find out, not told by her, that she is HIV positive, knew it before you guys decided to get married and never told you. You had no idea.

Now, imagine that you find out, not told by her, that one of the bio kids you thought you had together is not actually yours. She knew but decided not to tell you because she was afraid you would leave. You had no idea.

Would you feel like it was fine for her to have withheld that information from you? Would you have wanted to know any of those things before you decided to tangle your life up with hers? Who withholds that kind of information? Who is she? Did you just not know who she really was? Why did she hide such important information from you? How could she lie to you for so long and still claim to love you?

That is the level of damage to her subjective reality that she is dealing with. She needs time and space to work through this. Just worrying about how it's impacting you is not helping her. It's mostly just worrying about you.

I've very much noticed a trend that you make a post and then don't much respond to questions people ask you. A few people have mentioned along the way here that you seem to just be grasping at straws, wanting her to get over it as quickly as possible. It's as if you are aware that you have some mental processes that you need to fix but because it's hard and the efforts you have put in so far aren't yielding tangible results you are frustrated and feel like giving up and see the whole thing as pretty unfair.

Now is the time to learn how to sit and be okay with difficult feelings. If you are going to learn to empathize with your BS, you are going to be experiencing those in spades. She is probably going to feel crummier before she feels better and it's going to be up and down for a long time to come. If you can't be patient with her through this part of the process, then you are probably not looking to her like a great candidate for reconciliation.

Wholesome coping tools will serve you well if you will take the time to learn them. Have you ever considered the idea of a mindfulness practice? Try googling those words and have a look at what comes up.

Hang on, this is a pretty rough ride. This place is a wonderful resource for support and there are a lot of smart people further along the path than you or me. They've helped me a lot and if you are willing to pick up a shovel and start digging you will find that it is possible to survive and even thrive after infidelity. But you have to do the work of rewiring your brain into an improved set of decision making tools. Tools that lead you to an existence that is more whole and less fractured. Authentic.

Alright this is bordering on preachy (or maybe I've already crossed that line). Wishes for your understanding of the truth and the strength to bear it from a fellow EvolvingSoul.


Me: WS (52)
Him: Shards (47)
D-day: June 6, 2010
Last voluntary AP contact: June 23, 2010
NC Letter sent: 3/9/11

Digging our way through.


Posts: 308 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: Turning the corner.
BrokenButTrying
♀ Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 3:58 PM, June 22nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know she went to church because she was gone for just over an hour and had the church program in hand when she came back. It's only a mile away so I could have gone there if I didnt believe her, so dont suggest she wasn't there.

You are projecting. She is not you, she's not a wayward. Of course she was at church. Stop projecting, stop questioning her actions. Needing space is normal.

The point is I try to reach out and she rejects me. She seems to be more interested in being done with me.

She's hurting. She's turning away from you because you caused the pain. She's healing herself, support her.


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - 01/10 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1235 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
lovemywife4ever
♂ Member
Member # 42834
Default  Posted: 7:40 AM, June 23rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for the good advice, minus the one that was not called for. Maybe I am grasping straws, but I don't know what to do. Right when I cheated, I left there in tears and throwing up. I realized at that moment what I was doing and how I had just ruined everything. I truly, truly didn't even finish the job, just said I had to go and left. I drove for hours trying to figure out how to make it up to my BS. I didn't tell her because of my selfishness and shame. I knew she would leave. I made those choices to keep her and it was wrong. The one thing I wish she would know is that I have cried so many times in private before and since she's known because I hate myself for it. I tried IC, but our funds are tight now and need to do it again when we get things squared away.

Yesterday, I saw that nasty post. I avoided the rest of the day being on here. I told her. She was more mad than me I think. Thank you for those that helped and do so each time I am an ass.


Me-WS
Her-BS (deena04)
Upper 30s and kids at home (hers/mine/ours)
Cheater-me 2.5 years into relationship, 2 months before engagement, 1.5 year before M...this is not an excuse but a timeline of our life

Posts: 184 | Registered: Mar 2014
DixieD
♀ Member
Member # 33457
Default  Posted: 8:32 AM, June 23rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The one thing I wish she would know is that I have cried so many times in private before and since she's known because I hate myself for it.

What difference do you think it would make if she knows that? That says you are thinking more about yourself and how you are feeling. My husband cried and I knew it and honestly, I didn't care. Not for some time did his crying about what he did, affect me. It just didn't. Him staying locked in shame and hating himself meant he was of no help to me whatsoever. Shame keeps you focused on yourself.

You can't let one stranger's comments derail you, but it appears that you have a defeated attitude before you even begin and you are very easily derailed. Instead of looking at that post, go back and read all the valuable advice you got from everyone else. Read them all over and over until it sinks in.

Other WS have been where you are at and they can help you through that if you keep asking for help and listen to them.


Growing forward

Posts: 1767 | Registered: Sep 2011
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, June 23rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As long as you throw a pity party for 1, you are deflecting from the real issue. You are deflecting on what brought you here. Tears, barfing, and drama have its time and place. It's not now.

Find out why you did what you did and fix it. It hurts. It's hard. But hey, can fixing the mess really be any worse than what you've already done? Really?

Your subject line is selfish. You haven't switched places. Your wife has not cheated on you. The only thing you have done is allowed the shame and drama to cloak you. Which diverts your attention. Focus. Slow down and focus. It's the only thing that can save you.

Imagine you're in a bay. Thrashing around. Miles from shore. Keep acting out and splashing like mad, you're going to get weak and sink and die. Stop thrashing. Focus. And swim for shore.

You can do it. But do you want to?

(This message is vastly different from the blatant madness upthread. This is not meant to bash or beat you up. But to make you think. And hopefully change.)

Good luck.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6287 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Topic Posts: 14

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