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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: My Heart is Breaking
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Member # 43825
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for the kind responses. So it's been about 3 weeks. I need advice on what I am experiencing and hope someone has been through something similar. My H has entered therapy and after 2 visits they (him and the therapist) believe there are some big issues (aside from the cheating, and may have caused the cheating). Initially, as I stated above, he cried and begged and said he'd do anything. Aside from going to the therapist, it's as if nothing happened. He gets irritated when I ask questions, and it seems like he is 'over the trauma' and has moved past the HUGE issue at hand. He does not seem at all empathetic, and I can't see any remorse or regret (I in fact see nothing at all - just a blank stare.) I'm wondering if he's so desperate to reconcile and get me to stay and said he'd do anything- why isn't he being at all helpful with the pain I'm going through? Even to the point of not wanting to discuss my feelings or anger or pain? Certainly a different direction than I'd take if I were in his shoes and wanted someone to stay - he just seems so luke warm for lack of a better description. Is it time to cut and run? This is his second time cheating and clearly it was not dealt with the first time around according to the therapist. I just feel in limbo. I feel crushed and then taken for granted that I haven't packed and left. Seems like there's nowhere for this to he just treading water hoping it will all dissipate and we go back to life as it was?

[This message edited by Jrand at 12:43 PM, July 4th (Friday)]

Posts: 7 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: California
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Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Certainly a different direction than I'd take if I were in his shoes and wanted someone to stay

That's because you'd be being honest. That's not who he is. His claim that he's over it is just nonsense. That blank stare is his physical voice, saying "I just want these talks over with, and to get back to life as usual." He's not seeing that this can't happen. It's too much. He's cheated. Maybe it didn't mean much to him, but to you and your marriage? It's huge. Too huge to just ignore and move on.

I'm so sorry he's being indifferent. Have you read the 180? It's in the healing library, found in the left box on the upper left part of the screen. I suggest reading it, and implementing it. It's for you to detach, not for him. He won't like it, but that's irrelevant. It's for you - it will remind you that life isn't all about him and his issues, it will remind you how strong you are, and it will show you that your life will go on without him being a major part of it. It helps, trust me. I'm sure what I've said the 180 will do sounds scary, but please, trust me, once you start, you'll see how much you don't need any of this.

If he does an about face once he sees you're willing to have a life without him, good. If not, you're already down the path of detaching.

Good luck with all of this. It never ceases to amaze me how clueless these WSs can be.

The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
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Member # 43693
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think he thinks you will stay through anything because you did not leave immediately. But he has another think coming. It's hard to take immediate action while you are still reeling, but when you are ready I think you should go to your parents. If he ends up changing himself he will need to win you back and win your parents back. That's his problem. You don't own the relationship between your H and your parents, you don't need to mediate, they're all adults.

Also the reaction of parents can surprise you. I thought mine would be angry, but they just had no concept of the pain that infidelity can cause because they hadn't been through it. My mom (whom I love dearly) thought I was "just jealous".

Happy single mom to a sweet little girl.

Posts: 101 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: California
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