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Newest Member: conflictedcolleg (44943)

Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: its everywhere
scream
♂ Member
Member # 36506
Default  Posted: 6:51 PM, June 22nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sitting watching tv....its everywhere. Seems like it doesn't matter what's on. There is some form of an affair. Then there are the triggers. Commercials and crap. We can't seem to escape it. My wife likes to read...there too. Fuck me...we really can't get away from it.

Does anyone think that it may interfere with R? Am I being to simple? If its everywhere you look,listen,read...whatever can it ever settle down in our minds? Ws and Bs.


Posts: 289 | Registered: Aug 2012
growing
♂ New Member
Member # 43298
Default  Posted: 7:34 PM, June 22nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is interfering with my recovery. I basically can't watch any tv or films anymore. I was recently tortured while pumping gas by the pump's built-in tv advertisement about a guy cheating on his coffee with another coffee. My fWW and I are finding replacement activities to replace movie night on the couch, etc.


Me: BH 40ish
Her: WW 35ish
Married 13 years
DD 3, DS 7
EA/PA: 1yr/6mo
DDay: 11/1/2013
TT: 8/12/14, more on the way?
FB NC breach: 8/15/14
2xIC
MC on hold because he was worse than nothing. Maybe we'll find an infidelity specialist.

Posts: 21 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Northeast USA
peoplepleaser
♀ Member
Member # 41535
Default  Posted: 7:59 PM, June 22nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is everywhere. At first I was angry about it thinking it would interfere. The truth is that this is the works we live in. Our relationships will have to survive in that context. Maybe it can be seen as ways to increase communication and opportunities to demonstrate out commitments to each other by showing compassion when it happens to both WS and BS. So much time is spent on BS triggers, but I'm thinking that there are probably many times a remorseful WS is triggered and swallows their negative feelings as personal consequences. I would like to think that as R progresses both parties will openly share these moments with emotional safety.


WS: 39--2 EAs
BS: 39--me, faithful
DS: 6
9 year relationship in R.
DDay #1: September 6, 2013 EA for 5 weeks August 2013.
DDay #2: January 2, 2014 EA for 6 weeks summer 2011.
"I am still learning." -Michelangelo

Posts: 609 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Midwest
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 8:22 PM, June 22nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is everywhere in the media, and it sucks for us trying to recover. But then again it's everywhere in reality, so maybe entertainment just reflects reality.

I don't know what we can do except avoid it when possible and suck it up when it can't be avoided. R really isn't for sissies.


Me (BS)-45, WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling

Posts: 1387 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
ImSorry11
♀ New Member
Member # 43517
Default  Posted: 9:50 PM, June 22nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It sucks. I have triggers everyday and panic attacks several times a week. I just try and practice my EMDR.


Me: WW 31
Him: BH 34
DDay 5/23/14, 4 month EA/PA
Married 8 years Together 11
3 Beautiful Kiddos under 7

Posts: 41 | Registered: May 2014
Wayflost
♀ Member
Member # 41583
Default  Posted: 10:08 PM, June 22nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Every other day I consider giving up all television and movies. Only yesterday it hit me like a ton of bricks that the main character in one of my favorite series is a BS. It knocked the wind out of me.

I just try to sit with the feeling, be aware for my BH, and take it one moment at a time.

I don't know what we can do except avoid it when possible and suck it up when it can't be avoided. R really isn't for sissies.

^^^^^ no kidding. This is so much harder than anything else I have ever tried in my life.


Me: WW
Him: BH (totalheartbreak)
Both: 30s

Appalled by my actions, and the choice to set off several atomic bombs in my life.


Posts: 391 | Registered: Dec 2013
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 12:25 AM, June 23rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Completely agree. Some days I think it's harder on Crazz than me. He definitely triggers harder at TV and Movies than I do.

Definitely impetus to shut out electronic media and just spend some good old fashioned time with the family over a board game.

(((scream and teach8)))

[This message edited by Jrazz at 12:59 AM, June 23rd (Monday)]


I bow to those who keep their hearts open when it is most difficult, those who refuse to keep their armor on any longer than they have to, those who recognize the courage at the heart of vulnerability. - Jeff Brown

Posts: 17322 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
saturnpatrick
♂ Member
Member # 35989
Default  Posted: 12:39 AM, June 23rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yup, its everywhere. But for me it got better.

Early in R was awful. I broke down crying watching "Ted". Yes, the movie about the potty-mouthed talking stuffed teddy bear.

Absolutely sobbed.

Between then and now my FWW was always on top of things with the 'sorry for what I did' and such. Now they pop up and I handle them much better.


BH
I typo therefore I edit.

Posts: 193 | Registered: Jun 2012
Godsgirl
♀ Member
Member # 27521
Default  Posted: 1:14 AM, June 23rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This has a way of opening your eyes to how easily accepted affairs/cheating really are. Its not really new so much as more in your face thanks to the media.

I guess its like every other part of your healing. Over time the triggers and constant bombardment lose their power. The reality isn't going to change but how it affects you and your spouse will.

I hate to say it but I've grown so used to hearing, reading, watching about affairs that I just filter it out at this point. Its like violence, nudity, and bad language in the media, there's just too much to protect yourself and your family from.


Me-BS (41)
Him-SAWH (41)
Together 25 years, married 21 years
4 precious kiddos
Multi DDay's,False R
4 Ea's, 1 ONS, 3 STA's, & 2 LTA's & 1 OC

I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength!


Posts: 856 | Registered: Feb 2010
scream
♂ Member
Member # 36506
Default  Posted: 5:51 AM, June 23rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the responses. Like buying a new car. Now you see that car everywhere. Teach seems to get through them on her own. Knowing somethings can't be avoided. But I just hate the anger that goes through me when I see them.

Posts: 289 | Registered: Aug 2012
theseseatsRtaken
♂ Member
Member # 43088
Default  Posted: 6:19 AM, June 23rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Scream,

Something my BS and I have been working on is the idea that images, objects, places etc are all given their symbolism and their power by us. We choose what meaning we apply to things. For example, I was choosing every time I drove past APs place of work to let it mean pain and horrible memories to me. And so I would feel angry and sick while my had filled up with memories I wish I didnt have.

These days, I choose for the places that remind me of her to represent where I am going, not where I have been. I let it help me celebrate the man I am becoming and the future i have the opportunity to share with my beautiful BW.


Symbols are given power by people. A single shift in perspective can really help to ease the torment of these triggers which are as you say, so pervasive.

This is by no means a straigh forward thing to do. I still have dark triggers all the time. But this way of thinking is steadily helping me wade through it all a bit better.

I hope this helps.



Me: WH 29
Her: BW 31 (RomanticInnocenc)
Our son: 6 months
DDay#1 Jan 8, 2014, DDay#2 Jan 10, 2014
Being given the gift of attempted R
I don't PM with female members.
"Your character is who you are when no-one else is watching".

Posts: 112 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Australia
islesguy
♂ Member
Member # 38090
Default  Posted: 6:23 AM, June 23rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, it is everywhere and the anxiety that exists when just sitting down and watching a TV show is intense because it pops up so unexpectedly at times. The knowledge that all of this could have been avoided if I could have just been a faithful partner makes me so angry and sick.


Me: WH
Father of 3 beautiful girls

* I am a RS (Recovering Scumbag)
* Do as I say, NOT as I did. :-(
* I acknowledge the grace I have received. I know do not deserve it.


Posts: 225 | Registered: Jan 2013
lovemywife4ever
♂ Member
Member # 42834
Default  Posted: 7:58 AM, June 23rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree. I hate it. I just want to watch a movie with BS at times and if it has an affair or ons in it, she leaves the room. It starts her off on WWIII. I meanwhile just wanted a nice movie and didn't know what was in it. I hate it. It makes me feel like I need to watch everything before we do together so I can screen for triggers.


Me-WS
Her-BS (deena04)
Upper 30s and kids at home (hers/mine/ours)
Cheater-me 2.5 years into relationship, 2 months before engagement, 1.5 year before M

Posts: 143 | Registered: Mar 2014
Alyssamd24
♀ Member
Member # 39005
Evil  Posted: 8:24 AM, June 23rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My BH and I enjoy watching a show called Banshee. We both started watching it in the second season so for fathers day I bought him the first season. We have started watching it together, but now I am realizing what a trigger it is because we are seeing parts of the show we have never seen be for. We knew the show was about two main characters who used to be lovers before he went to prison for 15 years....but in the first season of the show when he comes back they have sex and all their feelings come back....even though she is married to another man and has two kids.

It just sucks cuz I love watching the show with my BH but now its awkward watching it.


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 837 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 9:08 AM, June 23rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It really is everywhere but giving up television and movies does help to screen out much cheating. The movie 'Unfaithful' does a number on me. Trouble is i have a private screening in my head from time to time. Can't get away from infidelity even if you lock yourself in a closet.

Posts: 1705 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
hopefull77
♀ Member
Member # 43221
Default  Posted: 8:11 PM, June 23rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We try and talk about it....started true detective...wow it slammed me but....I also had found out about a friends 2 year old drowning a few days earlier ....emotions were on edge already....movies are like affairs ....fantasy....
Everything is all solved in 90 min...like I said ...all fantasy


me-BS
him-WS
3 adult children 1D 2S
married-1977
LTA 09-2010 - 11-2012
D-day - 11-11-2012
status - reconciling and very hopeful
"Let Go of Control; Let God's Life Flow" ...Richard Rohr



Posts: 516 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: sunny california
Joanh
♀ Member
Member # 39146
Default  Posted: 9:34 PM, June 23rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

yep its everywhere, real life fantasy, everywhere. I too have a hard time watching shows, will start watching a series and boom, there you have the beginning or undercurrent of affair to happen, that's it lose interest.

We don't really watch much tv, and movies well they are action movies, which surprise surprise. Affairs too.

WE are better through it now, now it will cause trigger in me when something is familiar or I can relate too. My Bh , well not the talking type, so I have to watch his actions and his eyes.

TV shows not a huge trigger surprisingly. People are. And the sappy rose colored glasses love stories, yah nope .


BH 39
WW 43
D day November 9, 2012
3 children 22, 8, 6
Just....

Posts: 435 | Registered: Apr 2013
scream
♂ Member
Member # 36506
Default  Posted: 5:16 AM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I get its something that happens in so many marriages and relationships. And I get that in some cases its just part of a story. But holy shit. Can't get away frokm it. I know its on our minds anyway but we all need a break from thinking about our pain.

Just when you think your there...bam. either I'm back to it or she is or both. Yeah, I know its my fault to begin with but fuck me.


Posts: 289 | Registered: Aug 2012
KatieG
♀ Member
Member # 41222
Default  Posted: 6:31 AM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes its everywhere on TV, but what I haven't seen is a good R story on TV. It trivialises the pain. Either a 'get over it' or, they give the perspective of the WS blaming a bad M. That gets to me even more.


DD#1 - 6th Oct 13 - TT
DD#2 - 9th Nov 13 - Full disclosure
DD#3 - 12th May 14 - FOG lifted and in R
7 week A, 2 weeks together, rest phone and email - PA and EA

Posts: 441 | Registered: Nov 2013
LostSamurai
♂ Member
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 6:55 AM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For some reason, I been watching some tv shows, and they mention it in some form or fashion...and I still get a chuckle out of it.

I don't know why. I was watching American Dad... a cartoon with stupid stuff in it. One episode they were talking about having backup wives and husbands and their AP's and them got in a fight and they end up killing the AP's.

I got a laugh out of it.


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1036 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
Topic Posts: 24
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