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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: More venting
SelfishHusband
♂ Member
Member # 43174
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, June 23rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We had the divorce/separation talk again last night.
She doesn't want to do things with me. She doesn't love me. She doesn't want to leave because of our son. "Staying is 100 times easier than leaving". But yet she wants to leave. She thinks the only way to reconcile would be to date me again after we separate. But she has no interest in doing that right now, and then there's that whole I'm-Boring aspect. "You're not much of anything right now" she said. Well, what am I supposed to do when my son is home from school all summer. He'd have to go wherever I go if I go anywhere. The things I do are with him. He loves laser tag. So I pony up the dough and run around in there with him: the only adult in a room full of <10 year olds.

We don't use sitters or people we don't know or trust, and we only ask the neighbors when we really need to. Anyway, basically, I have nobody to watch him. And where would I go and who with?
There aren't meetups for wayward spouses in my area (I checked!).
She still calls me dear and is comforted by me. After all, we're best friends. She "just doesn't want my mouth on her mouth".
She feels my last post painted an inaccurate picture of her, especially how she shaved her legs naked while talking to me. So maybe she should stop doing that, and/or stop sleeping in just her panties, which she does for comfort/being-too-warm reasons.
Either of us sleeping upstairs would just be awkward, and for our son. She doesn't mind me sleeping in there with her even though it changes nothing. She says she doesn't want to be misleading. Even if there's no sex I feel like touching her gently and having some kind of physical connection to her could make things better. Maybe I'm just grasping at straws.

I stayed on my side last night. Except halfway through the night I just had to put my hand on her shoulder. And scoot closer, and rub her back while she slept. And scoot closer, and hold her increasingly tighter while she lay there snoring.
Then, overwhelmed, I started sobbing. She patted my leg. I blew my nose and went back to sleep.
I woke up not wanting to do much of anything, depressed. She made breakfast and seemed generally cheery.
I told her I felt guilty because I was glad we had our son (because he's preventing her from leaving, basically). I got no response. I don't think she's ready to divide up our stuffs and she doesn't have much earning power by herself, and staying with her divorced friend isn't going to be the best idea even though it might sound like fun.

I think she's planning on using our MC as her own IC now.

I told her people here just think she needs time to process. She says she's had 2 months to process. I told her I read not to make any decisions for 6 months. She told me she's read some people say 2 to 4 months. She tells me I did this to her twice and she's glad I'm working on my own stuff because that will be a big help towards whoever ends up with me in the future.

She doesn't want to stay and be unhappy. She doesn't want to go because of our son. At least here we're all in the same place.

I feel numb, depressed, anxious. Is this the beginning of the plain of lethal flatness? She says she forgives my affairs and now it's all about her. She's working on herself and "has no interest" in working on us. She doesn't want me to read to her or be depressing. She doesn't want to do or plan "family" activities. When she's home she wants to watch tv, or use her computer. But then she says the only thing we have in common is watching tv together.

She came home early from work yesterday and we all cooked dinner together.
Then we watched 3 hours of tv. Then we went into the bedroom after putting our son to bed and she suggested watching something else before bed on netflix. I suggested talking. So we talked.

My son has been through a lot already and he cries randomly at the thought of his mom leaving. He
says he heard her loud voice and my crying during
one talk we had. He misses the other couple's kids and wishes he could see them "one last time".
To cheer himself up, he told me something he heard: "friends come and go but family stays". He
convinces himself that they weren't really his friends and they were only together because we and the other couple forced them to be together. I'm gentle with him. I tell him none of it is his fault. I tell him it would be realistically impossible to see them again and wouldn't make things better because they still couldn't be friends. I tell him he has other friends and that
his mom and I love him no matter what.

I go from trying to cheer myself up, to pretending everything is OK, to being overwhelmed with grief and sadness, to wanting to avoid my BW and give her space, to wanting desperately to touch her and
hold her, to somehow come up with the perfect combination of words I can tell her to fix things.

We showed up at her work, dressed to the nines and with roses. He was so handsome she had all the girl waitresses come over and dance with him. She had a huge smile on her face the whole time.

She said it's possible to fully appreciate those gestures while still feeling nothing towards me.

I'm having a hard time concentrating on work and I'm dreading what tonight will bring. Will it be a good night? A bad night? An indifferent/numb night? Is tonight the night we sleep apart? Will I ever be intimate with her ever again? Will she stay, if only for our son? Will things improve? Will they stay in limbo for years until he's old enough for her to leave me? What can I do in the meanwhile to be able to live with myself and each other. I feel like the guy in the lego movie. Boring and forgettable. I can't compete with all the interesting stories her restaurant people have. I spent years of my time working too hard, and spending too much time doing martial arts, and being at home, playing video games or watching tv.

We've had a few fun family vacations, and we *have* been through a lot together. I feel stuck. I know some of you are in the same boat as me. I know your advice isn't any different than what I got yesterday and nothing is going to change in one day.

Continue digging into myself. Continue finding healthy coping mechanisms and ways to relax. Continue listening to her and empathizing. I've read the letters from BS to WS in the other threads. I know it's just as hard for her to be with me. I know *I'm* the biggest trigger of all. My whole house is made of eggshells. No wonder she wants to spend as much time at work as possible.
No wonder she dreads coming home.

When she got home a few days ago I didn't greet her. She says loudly several minutes later: "Nobody said hi to me when I got home". I said, well, I wanted to give you your space and not smother you the second you get home sort-of-thing.

We have this new habit now where she leaves for work, and then I stand by the inner garage door and we wave to each other until she closes the outer door from within the car.

One time I went somewhere and she did the same for me.

This morning she announced she was leaving, I went out there and waved. We smiled at each other as usual.

Shared jokes, smiles, remnants of our former happiness, terms of endearment, acts of service, words of affection. She continues asking me how she looks when she's all dressed up for work. She's more beautiful than ever. It's not all doom and gloom. She could've left already and decided to figure out a way to not live here. I'm afraid to have hope and I don't know what to do with myself half the time.

I thought venting more would make me feel better, but no, about the same.

Sigh.


Me: FWH (39)
Her: BW (34)
DDay 1: March 2013 (EA/PA that *I* rugswept)
DDay 2: April 2014 (PA with double betrayal. OW was wife's friend)
Married: 13 Years
1 Handsome and Amazing Son (10)

Posts: 379 | Registered: Apr 2014
DrJekyll
♂ Member
Member # 43618
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, June 23rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When she got home a few days ago I didn't greet her. She says loudly several minutes later: "Nobody said hi to me when I got home". I said, well, I wanted to give you your space and not smother you the second you get home sort-of-thing.

What happens when you first have contact sets the stage for the remainder of the night. Unless she specifically tells you not to greet her, then you should.

You need to continuously put your heart out there and be vulnerable, even if you get rejected. Have no expectations. No expectations of good or bad. Just show your acts of love.


Moving from Jekyll the destroyer to Jekyll the rebuilder.

"If you don't eat the elephant in one bite, it might trample you while chewing"

ME: WH HER: BS (holesinmybucket)

no stop sign = BS always welcome
I do not PM with women


Posts: 697 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: United States
SelfishHusband
♂ Member
Member # 43174
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, June 23rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Dr. J


Me: FWH (39)
Her: BW (34)
DDay 1: March 2013 (EA/PA that *I* rugswept)
DDay 2: April 2014 (PA with double betrayal. OW was wife's friend)
Married: 13 Years
1 Handsome and Amazing Son (10)

Posts: 379 | Registered: Apr 2014
BadWifeTx
♀ New Member
Member # 43846
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, June 23rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just signed up for this site and your post was the first one I read. Having been a BS myself at one point, I can just say it sounds like you are doing the right thing & pretty much the only thing you can do right now. She's allowing you to be present in her life, while protesting. I think this is a good sign. This will take a LONG time for her to get over, especially with the fact that her friend was involved. I have been in that exact position. It's absolutely excruciating. You can't even comprehend it, due to the OW being her friend. Be there, be humble, be understanding but not too wimpy, show love in a guarded way. Keep those little moments coming, like waving goodbye from the garage door. My heart goes out to you, I feel so much emotion coming from you.


Me: 51 WW (formerly BS)
Him: 54 BS (serial cheater, faithful for last 10 years)
Married 28 years
1 Son, age 30

Posts: 12 | Registered: Jun 2014
hardlessons
♂ Member
Member # 35025
Default  Posted: 9:16 PM, June 23rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I go from trying to cheer myself up, to pretending everything is OK, to being overwhelmed with grief and sadness, to wanting to avoid my BW and give her space, to wanting desperately to touch her and
hold her, to somehow come up with the perfect combination of words I can tell her to fix things.

Have you ever heard the saying "Plan the work, work the plan"? Our job as waywards are to be exactly what our spouses have learned not to expect, consistent healthy support. While we all flop around and fail and get stuck, but due to our chronic douche bagness we have to suck it up and not be a leaf in the wind every time our spouse get sad/mad/pissed/threaten divorce. Why? Because our spouses feelings should not rule ours, its part of learning how to be healthy.

Instead of "Feeling" like your all over the place its time to take the lead.


Me WH
Wife Tired Girl
3 adult sons
"a wayward...annnnd just a tad betrayed."

Posts: 880 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Arizona
SelfishHusband
♂ Member
Member # 43174
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Right on. Thanks guys.

Weird night last night. She asked me if she looks fat. I told her "I used to be superficial and care about stuff like that, but now I could care less. We are who we are and as I learn to accept my own imperfections I realize that I care about the person and not their body."

She says "Why should I believe you?" I said something like, "You don't have to believe me. I'm on this journey for myself as much as you. I'm learning to be vulnerable and have an open heart and give unconditional love etc"

So, yay me. She had no response.

So then we had sex. Well. *she* had sex. BW has off today and so had a bottle of champagne (I had a sip). She says something like, "Are you going to have your way with me? Because you don't get any. Remember our talk?" I/My hormones said something like "I like making you feel good." She said something like "This isn't going to be weird for you?" Long story short, she got to feel good, and then, true to her word rolled over and went to sleep. Which is fine I guess. For now.

The good news is that I asked her when the MC is scheduled for this week and if she's going without me. She says "You can come. Unless you'd rather I go myself". So I guess we'll go together.

I don't even know what I'm going to say this week.
When our MC asks "How are things going?" I'm letting my BW field that one...

[This message edited by SelfishHusband at 10:06 AM, June 24th (Tuesday)]


Me: FWH (39)
Her: BW (34)
DDay 1: March 2013 (EA/PA that *I* rugswept)
DDay 2: April 2014 (PA with double betrayal. OW was wife's friend)
Married: 13 Years
1 Handsome and Amazing Son (10)

Posts: 379 | Registered: Apr 2014
Topic Posts: 6

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