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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I found out a week ago
Tom67
♂ Member
Member # 42664
Default  Posted: 11:16 PM, June 23rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Baltimore I suggest you ask her to move out so you have time to think.
She is fogged up big time.
She needs consequences if you want any chance of saving this.
Showing strength is quite attractive.

Posts: 235 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: United States
Badhurt
♂ Member
Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 5:42 AM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Baltimore Blues

Sorry this happened but you have received good advice and although this is terrible, you did catch one break here.The affair is already exposed to OM family and wife caught them so at least for now you do not have to worry about OM trying to steal your wife. As a matter of fact, the text that came very quickly about not contacting him again shows she was just a piece of ass for him. He is not in fog.!!! So at least temporarily here you do not have to worry about him trying to lure her back in, but don't fall asleep stay alert.
If you read some of the other threads you will see what happens when the WW knows you want to R at all costs. You will continue to get disrespected, humiliated, and you will get nowhere. This fear of driving her to him Is silly . She was already there and would go hang him tomorrow if she had not been caught. And with her view and blame shifting to you that justifies to her what she did, there will be another OM out there. Your MC is a total waste of time if she does not commit that she wants to be married to you and not live the single life. Do you want to be in an open marriage that you had no say in , because tHat is where you will be if you put R as your goal before you get your demands to stay met, and they need to be demands, not requests.
Actions have consequences, right now she has none other than you begging her to love you / that will not work!
Get an attorney, tell her to get one and file the initial papers .
Lastly, do not use your child as an excuse . Millions of kids of D survive and do fine. Don't you think it will negatively effect the child watching her Dad get treated like this. And especially when Mom begins the next affair or renews this one.
You can post and ask for opinion but what you need to do will not change and only you can do it

[This message edited by Badhurt at 5:44 AM, June 24th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 1097 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
crisp
♂ Member
Member # 34236
Default  Posted: 6:32 AM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There are two situations where marriage counseling is helpful to the betrayed. One is when you have a spouse deserving of your gift of attempted reconciliation. To be even considered for this gift, a wayward spouse must be FULLY remorseful and ready to do the very hard work needed to go on the bumpy road of R. Your WW is not even close to this frame of mind. Maybe she will be in the future, but not now.

The second situation is when divorce is in full swing and the two of you need to get counsel on how to best deal with the kids and the dissolution.

Since neither applies to your situation, do not go there. It would be more damaging to you. Most marriage counselors perceive their role to keep couples together, much of your counseling sessions would probably be devoted to "what was missing in the marriage." You do not need a "professional" adding shit to you already overloaded sandwich.

Focus on yourself at this point, Do what is best for your healing. Individual counseling might help you. I wish I could have allowed myself to do the IC thing, but I am one of those macho men that will not. Make your life not dependent on her. Schedule things for yourself. What helped me most was physical things. I got in shape and also took up hiking in the mountains. I also reconnected with friends.

I did all that for me, but it also had a very big effect on the WW. I became much more attractive. DO NOT work on you to bring her back--do it for you. So many newly betrayed focus entirely on bringing the wayward back to them. You do not control them and cannot make them do anything. Just work on you and then you will be in a position to be there for your kids and any future relationship.

My travels occurred many years ago and I did not have this site or any other similar resource to help me on the road to recovery. I had to do it all on my own. You are able to benefit from a collective wisdom that should be invaluable to you. Take advantage and your road will be much shorter and less painful than mine was.

The bottom line is YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS one way or another. Let go of the strong desire to bring her along on your recovery. She will either try to jump aboard to help you or she will not. If you put yourself in a position where your recovery depends on her, much pain will be in your future---beyond what is necessary for a healthy recovery.


Endeavor to persevere. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=csEzTwKemwY

Posts: 410 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: NE US
happyman64
♂ Member
Member # 33212
Default  Posted: 7:31 AM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BaltimoreBlues

The only way to fix this is to be tough and show tough love to your wayward wife.

Why?

Because your wife has already left your marriage.

Why?

Because she does not love you.

Why?

Because she is selfish and has put her desires above you, the marriage and the kids.

Your family is already broken. Not destroyed but broken.

The only person that can fix this is your wife.

Until she understands why she made such poor decisions, lied to you and cheated on you there is not a damn thing you can do to repair the marriage.

I urge you to show her tough love. To let her know what a life without you in it and the kids 50% of the time feels like.

Sure she might divorce you.

But if you become the confident man that will not put up with her selfish behavior and selfish decisions then she just might realize what she is losing.

The other side of the coin when "anger" sets in is that you realize you can do better.

And right now doing better than your wife is not too hard.

Go see an attorney. Know your rights. Split your finances.

Show your wife that you are not afraid to move on without her.

Keep posting.

HM


Posts: 899 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New York
UpInTheAirNow
♂ Member
Member # 37777
Default  Posted: 7:58 AM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome BB.
I recommend you both get tested for STDs ASAP.
Also find a lawyer and know your rights.
Do not try to nice her back. Do not. It doesn't work.
Give her a choice. Commit to the marriage or leave.
Have her bags packed. You need to be strong. You need to
Be willing to loose the marriage. This might snap her out of the affair fog.
It's gonna be a difficult road. But know this, you will be OK no matter what happens. You will heal over time and you and the kids will thrive with or without her. Time heals all wounds.
I go to IC every month and I'm 2 years out. I recommend you get yourself a councilor. Someone trained in grief and infidelity. Makes a big difference talking to a pro.
The more we know the more we can help. Keep posting and we will help guide you.
Mean time take what advice works for you and leave the rest.
Eat drink and sleep as much as possible. Stay hydrated. Lots of water. You will survive this like everyone else here.
Take care.


ME 44
WW 50
DDay 6/13/12
Married 17 years, together 27 yrs.
Its a deal breaker!

Posts: 167 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: NY
BaltimoreBlues
♂ New Member
Member # 43845
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm thankful for all of the advice but it's all so damn confusing. Half of you are telling me to kick her out now and the stickied newbie thread says there is no need to rush.

For now, at least, I think I'm going to wait on any decision regarding a separation.

The best thing so far has been reading the 180. I've spent the past week crying and trying to convince her that we do have a good marriage. I'm done with that. It's time to be strong.


Me: 40
Her: 38
Married for 15 years
Two kids (4 and 5)
D-Day: June 16, 2014

Posts: 36 | Registered: Jun 2014
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It does get confusing. You are going to get good, bad, ugly, and beautiful advice. My advice to you is to take what you need, what works best for you, and leave the rest. There is no right or wrong answer, just choices. Each situation is different and you know yours the best.

Honestly, I wouldn't kick her out just yet either. IMHO it's a little too new for that as it's only been a week and I don't think she's even remotely faced her consequences yet. Start showing her the consequences and see what her reactions are. It's never too early to get your ducks in a row IF it should come to that (see my post from yesterday).

Once you see what her reactions are, then you will know if you need to S or D.

How are you feeling today? What's going on with you?

yop


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2189 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
Schadenfreude
♂ Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Read the replies carefully. There is a commonality in them: you cannot continue to live under the same roof under the current conditions where she openly pines for,her "lost love".

A second theme is that you cannot nice her back. It's up to her to fix her own feelings and realize her A was the biggest mistake of her life. If you are nice to her, don't let her know how you feel, she pays no consequences at home.

Unles and until she gives up on the wonderful ness of her A and AP, who immediately kicked her to the curb--not the first time it's happened to OWs-- there is simply no hope of reconciliation.

Your M has permanently changed. You'll never trust her quite the same again. She can't ever let things slide and put her on the slippery A slope. Lots of work, anger, resentment, triggers, etc are in your future.

In short, the word is DETACH. Let her know you'll do just fine without her around. Whether this is in house 180 or physical separation doesn't matter so much as your ability to be content with yourself- which is the purpose,of the 180. If she doesn't pick up on that change in you, she's checked out. And you'll know it.


Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
Jduff
♂ Member
Member # 41988
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Let's simplify your strategy for now (and not necessarily in order):

1) No More "Nicing her"
2) Detach and execute 180. Modify it to your situation. You don't have to follow it exactly. Think of it is a guideline on how to detach.
3) Look into therapy for yourself and you kids. Look into prescription for sleep and handling anxiety if it becomes overwhelming. Try your best to eat, drink, sleep.
4) Read all info in the Healing Library and our stories. Learn, research, attain knowledge on infidelity and knowledge. You will be very surprised how much of a common script cheaters follow. It can be very predictable.
5) Talk to a lawyer to get familiar with your rights and the process of divorce. You don't have to file immediately, just know that knowledge is power. If after divorce is filed and she is served that there is a require waiting period before it becomes final, work that into your own "watching her actions" time frame. (DO NOT LET YOUR WIFE KNOW YOU ARE MEETING WITH LAWYERs!!! Had to edit and add that. I cannot stress this enough. If she is looking to scrub herself clean of guilt and fault for the affair she WILL file before you do to save face and make it look like you are at fault.)
6) Look into filling your free time with activities, reconnecting with friends, joining clubs, new hobbies, etc., etc. Anything to keep you from staying stagnant in emotional limbo.

Once you get a specific regimen decided that works for you on handling your emotions and the day to day you will begin to feel a little more control of the situation. The goal here is to get mental and physical strength back. The more you do, the more you will know what you need to do regarding separation, reconciliation, divorce, etc. You really can't make decisions like these without some clarity.

Especially read up the differences between regret and remorse, and also gas-lighting and blame shifting. The sooner you can mentally defend yourself from her bullshit, the better you can avoid the attempted mind fucking from her.

[This message edited by Jduff at 10:28 AM, June 24th (Tuesday)]


Divorced - 5/23/14
Already in my New Beginning - :)

Posts: 553 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: texas
craig2001
♂ Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The best thing so far has been reading the 180. I've spent the past week crying and trying to convince her that we do have a good marriage. I'm done with that. It's time to be strong.
That is good advice.

If she separates, she still owes her part of the money on the house, the kids etc. Too many times, separation for the WS just means, wow, now I can have my fun, no more worried about getting caught etc.

She needs to stop having the affair, while living in your home. You cannot nice her back to the marriage because the WW is so in a fog of unreality, there is no common sense and no talking to them.

So why bother being nice.

The 180, and she needs to stop the affair while living there. You do not have an open marriage and you are not going to be disrespected while she is living there while she plays around with some other guy.

TS for her if she doesnt like it.


Posts: 4107 | Registered: Jun 2002
NeverAgain2013
♀ Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Baltimore, it's always been my observation (and experience) that once a woman is emotionally detached from her husband and marriage, that's pretty much it, and she's done.

Women seem to be quicker to leave their marriages than men. Most married men will cling to their marriages like grim death instead of leaving. So when I got to the part in your post about your wife wanting to leave you for her married man, I laughed out loud because I knew he'd stay in his marriage and wasn't going anywhere. Sure enough, your next sentence confirmed that. Jeez, I think I've been reading these boards WAY too long - it's all so predictable to me.

Anyway, why would you want to reconcile with someone who was all set to LEAVE you for her creepy married boyfriend??? The only reason she's still in the house with you is because she got dumped by him and told to go scratch.

It has nothing to do with 'fog' or any of that. It has everything to do with her using you at this point because she has nowhere to go.

You know what?

When someone shows you who they ARE, believe them.

I don't know why you think therapy is going to magically make all her gooshy feelings for her married Romeo suddenly disappear and make her fall madly back in love with you. Baltimore. She may be acting like a horse's ass, but you can't control someone's feelings.

As others have said, women don't respect weak men so cut out the nice guy crap - it's just making you look desperate.

Show her the boot.

Today.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1807 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
BaltimoreBlues
♂ New Member
Member # 43845
Default  Posted: 4:48 PM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I probably should mention that I'm a stay at home dad and have been for the last 5 years. That complicates the whole "throw her out on her ass and get new bank accounts" solution.


Me: 40
Her: 38
Married for 15 years
Two kids (4 and 5)
D-Day: June 16, 2014

Posts: 36 | Registered: Jun 2014
Schadenfreude
♂ Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 5:01 PM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No it doesn't. It provides complete continuity for child environment re primary caregiver, residence. SAHM's kick WH out all the time and nobody thinks a thing about it. Do the same to her. Let her pay child support, spousal support and see how she likes it along with limited visitation with her kids.

But to do so, you'd have to file for D, and I rather doubt you are there yet. You may be, and I'd advise a meeting with a lawyer to learn your rights and responsibilities re kids, custody, visitation, support, health insurance. The rest can wait.

Oh would her mother and gf's be furious......I can see many minutes of cell phone time, Facebook time, etc., being wasted debating her conduct and providing recommendations for her future.

You must be tough. She will not respect begging or weakness. Let her know she can seriously work on the marriage or leave.


Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
BaltimoreBlues
♂ New Member
Member # 43845
Default  Posted: 5:09 PM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, I'm not there yet. I know if I we do get divorced I'll get custody and child support, but I'm not there yet. I'm not even ready for a separation yet.

But the 180 has taught me that I need be strong.


Me: 40
Her: 38
Married for 15 years
Two kids (4 and 5)
D-Day: June 16, 2014

Posts: 36 | Registered: Jun 2014
Badhurt
♂ Member
Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 6:06 PM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Baltimore

You may not be ready for separation but she is already mentally and physically separated from you . If you do not see some major changes, you will now be the babysitter for your wife while she does what she wants.
You have no power here but as others have said you do have legal rights and just like SAHM you can make it uncomfortable for her.
Until then you better hope the OM and his wife continue well on their R or your wife will be back in bed with him


Posts: 1097 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
Badhurt
♂ Member
Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 6:06 PM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Baltimore

You may not be ready for separation but she is already mentally and physically separated from you . If you do not see some major changes, you will now be the babysitter for your wife while she does what she wants.
You have no power here but as others have said you do have legal rights and just like SAHM you can make it uncomfortable for her.
Until then you better hope the OM and his wife continue well on their R or your wife will be back in bed with him


Posts: 1097 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
Badhurt
♂ Member
Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 6:06 PM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Baltimore

You may not be ready for separation but she is already mentally and physically separated from you . If you do not see some major changes, you will now be the babysitter for your wife while she does what she wants.
You have no power here but as others have said you do have legal rights and just like SAHM you can make it uncomfortable for her.
Until then you better hope the OM and his wife continue well on their R or your wife will be back in bed with him


Posts: 1097 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
steppingup
♂ Member
Member # 42650
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, June 25th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Part of me thinks that making her leave will make her see how much me and the children mean to her. On the other hand, of course, part of me worries she won't miss me at all and will enjoy her new freedom.

Most importantly, I don't want to jump the gun because it will be too confusing for my kiddos.

This is exactly where I am today. Keeping her around so she can have her cake and eat it too isn't helping anyone. Our therapy starts soon, this is the first thing we will need to iron out.

Stay strong Baltimore.


Her (WW 40s) Me (BH, 40s) very young DS & DD

“Whatever follows after DD is much more crucial than the infidelity action itself” Quote by SI Member Melian40

"I'm a good man, not an option" - Steppingup


Posts: 498 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: CALI
BaltimoreBlues
♂ New Member
Member # 43845
Default  Posted: 7:55 AM, June 26th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wanted to give an update. I've lost 10 pounds in the last week but I'm finally eating again. I'm getting about 5 hours of sleep a night, which is two hours less than normal but at least more than I was getting last week.

I've implemented the 180 and haven't cried in front of her in two days. It feels good to be strong again.

The roller coaster is the hard part. And I'm not the only one on the roller coaster. Some days she tries to hold me, some days she doesn't. Some days she tells me she loves me, some days she doesn't. Some days she calls me multiple times, some days she doesn't call me at all. Some days she wants us to move away for a new beginning, some days she doesn't mention it at all.


Me: 40
Her: 38
Married for 15 years
Two kids (4 and 5)
D-Day: June 16, 2014

Posts: 36 | Registered: Jun 2014
craig2001
♂ Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 8:39 AM, June 26th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

On the days she seems close, she is sick of the affair and the problems. A mindset for that day.

On the days she seems distant, she is rethinking how fun the affair is and is too guilty to say she loves you. Possibly seeing OM on those days. A mindset for that day.

This is so much like an alcoholic acts. The days they are sorry they are sick of drinking and what to start all over and never look back.

On a day they feel better and they start to think about having that first beer. They distance themselves from people who know they shouldnt drink. They go off and have that first beer and the 20 more. And dont show up until the next day.

No difference.

On her sorry days, just ask her what the hell she wants.

Dont argue or anything. A simple question that should not talk a long discussion to get a short simple answer from her.

Otherwise continue on with what you're doing. Getting better always feels great, because you are starting to feel in charge of your life again.


Posts: 4107 | Registered: Jun 2002
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