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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I found out a week ago
BaltimoreBlues
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Member # 43845
Default  Posted: 8:28 AM, June 29th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My wife has notified a few of her close friends about the affair so she could have someone to talk to about it. Two of them contacted me separately worried about her being numb and possible hurting herself. She is now on anti-depressants.

As far as I know there has been no direct contact with the other man, but I do know that she looks at his public Facebook page. She has deactivated her own Facebook account for now.

We just learned that her mother is having her father moved to an assisted living due to early onset Alzheimer's. He's in his mid 60s. And in a week we have an appointment to find out whether or not or oldest child has autism.

I admit that it is extremely difficult to carry out the 180 or even consider a possible separation with all that is going on with the rest of our family at the moment.


Me: 40
Her: 38
Married for 15 years
Two kids (4 and 5)
D-Day: June 16, 2014

Posts: 36 | Registered: Jun 2014
BaltimoreBlues
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Member # 43845
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, June 29th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Any advice or feedback?

Sorry, I just need somebody to talk to about this.


Me: 40
Her: 38
Married for 15 years
Two kids (4 and 5)
D-Day: June 16, 2014

Posts: 36 | Registered: Jun 2014
Badhurt
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Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 6:08 PM, June 29th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your wife is still involved emotionally with another man and you need to detach from her like most of the others have said.
She apparently has friends who she is confiding in but you are here in despair not knowing what to do.
If you are absolutely committed to begging her to stay with you there is nothing else to do.
If you want to heal yourself you need to give her some tangible real world consequences.
Allowing this to continue will insure you are in limbo land indefinitely.
You've already lost ten pounds and not from working out or doing any thing healthy for yourself.
Time to start

Posts: 1097 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
doggiediva
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Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 6:18 PM, June 29th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You need to get out NOW...
Your WW can find you sometime in the future if you are even available then..
There is nothing about this relationship that promotes a decent or healthy life for you....


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1355 | Registered: Nov 2011
Plinker77
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Member # 43901
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hope it works out and if not, that you find happiness elsewhere.

Posts: 27 | Registered: Jun 2014
craig2001
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Member # 55
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Two of them contacted me separately worried about her being numb and possible hurting herself. She is now on anti-depressants.
What do these friends advise your wife to do. Since they contacted you, this is a great opportunity for you to learn every single thing possible.

You have been lied to and stabbed in the back and I think you need to learn everything you can, and by talking to her friends, that gives you great insight into what your wife is really thinking.

Is she getting out of the fog of the affair. Affairs are so phony that once the WS gets out of the fog, you will notice their change.

How does your wife act...Is she always moping around, acting distance and aloof? Or has she tried anything that even looks like R?

And saying she is sorry is not R. Sometimes it is a start, but only the very start.

Your wife really thought this OM was going to leave his family. Reality stinks when it hits the WS.

Keep doing the 180. And get as much information as you can.

The more you know about her thinking and the current situation, the better your decision making capabilities will be.

Did an actual doctor prescribe AD's for your wife?

On a side note:

We just learned that her mother is having her father moved to an assisted living due to early onset Alzheimer's. He's in his mid 60s.
Wow that is an early age. I hope he had a MRI first to make sure it isnt something that is easily curable like NPH.

And I hope your child does not have autism and the check up goes well.


Posts: 4297 | Registered: Jun 2002
Badhurt
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Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What do these friends advise your wife to do. Since they contacted you, this is a great opportunity for you to learn every single thing possible.
You have been lied to and stabbed in the back and I think you need to learn everything you can, and by talking to her friends, that gives you great insight into what your wife is really thinking.

Craig just gave you some good advice here, but USE the friends. Do not divulge anything top them. They are HER friends and you may get some information. She obviously did more communicating with them than you. But be wary that they are not telling you what she wants you to know. It could be tricky but a good idea.


Posts: 1097 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
craig2001
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Member # 55
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do not divulge anything top them
Exactly. Do not converse with them, do not tell them what you feel, think or what your wife tells you or what is going on at home.

Be like a detective and act very concerned about your wife. Ask them questions like what YOU can do to help her. And once you show genuine concern, because I am sure you have concern, then ask little questions to get more information.

If you remember the old detective show, Colombo, act like him. Dumb and asking questions, and always getting the answers.


Posts: 4297 | Registered: Jun 2002
Jduff
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Member # 41988
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She doesn't know if this is a midlife crisis for her or if we just aren't meant to be.

Midlife crisis, or MLC, generally is understood to be triggered by life impacting events either negative or positive.

We just learned that her mother is having her father moved to an assisted living due to early onset Alzheimer's. He's in his mid 60s. And in a week we have an appointment to find out whether or not or oldest child has autism.

Maybe this is a life impacting issue for her, and perhaps her inability to cope with this is part of the reason for her A. I believe folks in MLC are running away from reality of the situation because they can't handle it. The AP's of folks in MLC represent an escape from that reality.

As craig2001 and Badhurt suggested talking with her friends for info, also ask them to see if the above family crisis may be at the center of your WW's concerns. See if you can get her friends to determine how your WW feels about this. Find out how long the A has been going on. See if that timeline matches that of timeline of family health issues.

If you can only focus on a few things at time, then focus on those who are accepting of your love and help. In the mean time, focus on your child's autism diagnoses and helping your MIL and FIL with the assisted living issue. Staying on the 180 will help you with this AND dealing with your WW. She's in the self-preservation mode. Let her friends pick her apart for details of the A.


Divorced - 5/23/14
Already in my New Beginning - :)

Posts: 619 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: texas
needfriendshere
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Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BaltimoreBlues, in your post you said,

"A few hours later he texted her and told her he was trying to fix things with his family and that my wife should never contact him again".

My H used the same words when he assured me he would break off his LTA. He texted me and said he had pretty much "fixed things" and that I didn't need to worry.

I don't know why, but that language irritates me. It is like a torn piece of paper that they can tape up or a broken toy that they can repair with some glue. It also ignores the presence of the other person - like all they need to do is say good-bye to the OW (or OM) and everything will be fine again. In my case, that has been far from the case. I hope that things have been going more smoothly for you!!

Hugs - to you all!!!


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 447 | Registered: May 2014
craig2001
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Member # 55
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"A few hours later he texted her and told her he was trying to fix things with his family and that my wife should never contact him again".
I think I forgot to ask about this. Did you actually see this text? And does she let you see her emails and texts.

Withdrawal from an affair is very real, just like a drug addict or alcoholic withdrawal.

[This message edited by craig2001 at 12:48 PM, June 30th (Monday)]


Posts: 4297 | Registered: Jun 2002
BaltimoreBlues
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Member # 43845
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To answer a few questions:

Is she getting out of the fog of the affair?

No.

How does your wife act...Is she always moping around, acting distance and aloof?

Yes.

Did an actual doctor prescribe AD's for your wife?

Yes.

Did you actually see this text?

Yes, she showed it to me.

And does she let you see her emails and texts?

Yes, I have full access to everything. She swears that she is tired of living a lie so there is full transparency.

[This message edited by BaltimoreBlues at 12:51 PM, June 30th (Monday)]


Me: 40
Her: 38
Married for 15 years
Two kids (4 and 5)
D-Day: June 16, 2014

Posts: 36 | Registered: Jun 2014
craig2001
♂ Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 4:16 PM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good that she is being open and transparent at least. There is a lot written about the withdrawal symptoms of an affair. Many times it is just missing the excitement of doing something different or wrong of losing something of their own. And at times there is the actual missing of the OP.

Just keep learning what you can.


Posts: 4297 | Registered: Jun 2002
BaltimoreBlues
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Member # 43845
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, July 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Update: my wife and I had a long talk last night. At the moment, neither one of us knows if we want R, S, or D. So right now, we're just living in limbo.

She admitted the idea of being separated/divorced has some appeal to her. She wants "adventure" in her life and wants to prove to herself that she can live alone. She says she knows if we stayed married that her life will be "just fine" but she wants more out of life than just fine. She still wonders if this is just some midlife crisis.

She's still extremely depressed. Her meds haven't kicked in yet so she spends most of the day crying and says she is miserable.

She apologized (sincerely) for ruining my life and hurting me.

My 180 went by the wayside during our talk as I spent much of it in tears.


Me: 40
Her: 38
Married for 15 years
Two kids (4 and 5)
D-Day: June 16, 2014

Posts: 36 | Registered: Jun 2014
Badhurt
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Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 8:53 AM, July 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Baltimore

What do you think she means when she says she wants "adventure" in her life. She is not talking about anything other than the excitement she feels knowing she is still attractive to other men and does not have to accept being tied down to one, meaning you.

I do not know how any kind of MC can help that if she wants to be free. There is no basis for R. What she is now doing is keeping you in a state of limbo on eggshells with your heart in your her hands.

A few questions
(1) The OM broke it off with her. Do you believe there is still no contact? If the answer to that question is NO, there can be no R.
(2) Do you suspect that since she is still not committed to you that she is getting involved with someone else. Late nights out or not accounting for her wherabouts deviations in her normal schedule? if the answer to that one is YES, then there can also be no R.

Right now, your wife is in TOTAL control. As a STAHD, she is still going to have to pay you and cannot leave you with no financial support, so her life is going to take some adjustment if she decides to leave. making her actually put numbers to that may give her a dose of reality.

Right now, you are Plan B and she has stated that clearly by telling you she COULD stay but would feel she missed out on something better.

it is obvious so far your NICING her back, or attempt to, is not working so great. If this continues and does not change, she will definitely find another "adventure" to pursue, and it will not be any easier the second time.

You have got to look out for yourself and start to take steps to financially protect yourself and at the same time show her some true consequences. This forum is filled with men and women who have been paralyzed by hurt into inaction and it usually does not work out well.


Posts: 1097 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
Schadenfreude
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Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 8:58 AM, July 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You want to put her in charge of whether you try to reconcile or not? Well, given her ambivalence, you might just as well,throw in the towel, raise the white flag and surrender right now to a life of continued uncertainty.

She'l continue to ruin your life while you dance the limbo. How low can you go? No apology is going to reclaim your life.

Without sincere remorse, not just regret, backed,by consistent positive action, you'll be spinning your wheels, hoping she'll come around.

Too many stories of dashed hopes and broken hearts here lately. Don't volunteer to become yet another. She checked out of M and hasn't even tried to check back in.

180 isn't dead because you dropped your guard. Do you feel better listening to her woes and caring about them or do you feel,better detaching and caring about your future? That's what the 180 is for.

[This message edited by Schadenfreude at 9:00 AM, July 6th (Sunday)]


Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
MC_Jack
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Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, July 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BB, I haven't posted much lately, but some of the advice here caught me eye.

Good that she is being open and transparent at least. There is a lot written about the withdrawal symptoms of an affair.^^^Yes it is good that she is being open and h
onest, has gone NC, and the A is over. That is about the most you can realistically hope for right now from a WW.

As Bigger has pointed out, and I like his advice the best of anyone's, you can not expect the WW to immediately feel total remorse and emotionally re-engage the M. It is going to take some time for her to detach from the "emotional reality" of the A.

Right now, I disagree in part with some of the advice above. Such advice seems to be more appropriate for a man whose wife is still cheating. Like in the situations of saveus, and others. Yours is not. I do not see this as an issue of control, but instead a question of how much time you want to invest in waiting out the withdrawal and fog, assuming your WW maintains NC, is transparent, going to IC/MC, etc. No matter what you do you can not force her to feel something she does not. For example, in your case unlike others, filing for divorce isn't going to do anything. All you can ask for is a rational commitment and verifiable actions on her part that will get things where they need to go. In your situation the 180 is valid, to focus on you; establish firm boundaries with consequences (like breaking NC then you file), create a time-frame with a firm deadline for a decision by her. Sure it's limbo, but it is the best you are going to have for the time being, again assuming NC, etc. Of course you can leave her any time.

Sorry that you're here.

Jack

[This message edited by MC_Jack at 2:44 PM, July 6th (Sunday)]


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" because I like the Music City. I did not know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 895 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Mountain West
Schadenfreude
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Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, July 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your WW was caught in e act, knew the whistle would blow so,she gave you an involuntary confession, then was unceremoniously dumped by AP who tossed her aside to save his marriage.

Not an uncommon scenario, but she's going to feel "hurt" because her beautiful A filled with flowers and sugar,, came to an unexpected end.

Not your problem. She isn't physically cheating right now because AP cut her off. She is still a cheater and in the cheater mentality per the answers you gave to the list of questions.

He Fog may clear, but now she has point blank told you she's not sure whether to R or D. And like Indiana Jones or something., she wants adventure in her life. Give her two points for honesty.

You aren't an adventure. You are the familiar.

Stick with the 180 for selfish reasons, if nothing else. You cannot count on her return to normal. Indeed, per many posts here, the old,wife is now dead. You may or may not want to be married to the new wife.

180 encourages discussions about kids, so oldest's diagnosis is perfect topic for discussion.

Beware and watch out for yourself. The cheater mentality still lurks. If AP contacted her tomorrow, would she respond?


Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
OK now
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Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, July 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Her attitude is very worrisome when she spouts that crap about wanting adventure, freedom and excitement in a new life. Generations before us consisted of wives who were grateful just to hold body and soul together, to feed their families and live an existence without too much tragedy and heartbreak. Now we have terminally stupid women like your wife who want a lot more. Sexual passion instead of a humdrum marriage. In a world so full of human misery, your WW wants more than a faithful husband, wonderful children and good health. Greedy bitch.

What can you do? The best thing is to let her go if thats what she really wants. She is going to have another affair, she has virtually told you that in expressing her need for romantic fantasies.

Right now you need her to recover from the loss of her lover and 'true soul mate'. When her depression is lifted and she is ready for her new life, then allow her to leave if thats what she needs. Meanwhile it is imperative for you to detach and become strong. If she pulls her head out of her ass it can only result from regaining respect for you as a confident, strong leader who will not allow himself to be insulted by his cheating wife. If you cannot do this you will lose; guaranteed.

You have to cast yourself in a new image to become a sexually attractive mate, and to accomplish that you have to pull away and reinvent your status as a BH. Either you learn how to stop caring for her and to stop being so vulnerable, or prepare for fresh misery down the pike. I'm afraid your WW hasn't finished hurting you yet.


Posts: 1824 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
happyman64
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Member # 33212
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, July 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BB

You are in your own fog as well. That is normal.

"Why would I risk everything and hurt you if there wasn't something fundamentally wrong with our marriage?"

This shows just how selfish your wife has become.

If she was thinking like an adult she would have come to you, told you how unhappy she was with the marriage and discuss options with you.

Instead she chose to lie, cheat and tear up not only your marriage but your family.

She also said you are her friend. But come on BB. Point out to her that friends do not lie or cheat on the other.

So you both do not know what you want. That is ok. But set a date in your head. That date is when you decide to move on in life with her or without her.

It can be 3 months, 6 months or a year from D-Day.

How long do you want to live in limbo????

And if I were you I would start looking for a job. Because no matter what happens to your marriage a woman never respects a Stay at Home Dad as much as he deserves.

We have seen it numerous times.

Start thinking of you and the kids. And show your wife consequences BB.

She deserves them. But most importantly she needs them.

Or she will just keep pulling this crap over and over.

HM


Posts: 974 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New York
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