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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I found out a week ago
doggiediva
♀ Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, July 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What OK now said word for word...Read and reread...
I am a BS who has a greedy WH, OK now's post completely resonates with me!
Greediness ruins the whole world, not just marriages and families.. I agree with the previous poster about finding a job..
I retired due to poor health but this shit is gonna force me to unretire :-(

[This message edited by doggiediva at 2:38 PM, July 6th (Sunday)]


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1259 | Registered: Nov 2011
BaltimoreBlues
♂ New Member
Member # 43845
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, July 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yesterday we moved my wife's father into an assisted living facility.

Today we found out that our child is on the autism spectrum.

Life pretty much sucks right now.


Me: 40
Her: 38
Married for 15 years
Two kids (4 and 5)
D-Day: June 16, 2014

Posts: 36 | Registered: Jun 2014
mandolin555
♀ Member
Member # 42476
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, July 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My honest opinion....stop forcing yourself to DO anything. If the 180 feels wrong...nix it. If it feels right to support her with love (and much less trust) do it.

I agree about finding a job. I hate to sound negative about your "alternative" parenting arrangement but when one person carries the load financially it breeds animosity. There's also been research done on stay at home dads suffering from lowered testosterone (which will throw your emotions and libido out of whack). By nature you are designed to hunt and provide. Being a stay at home dad for five years (though hard in it's on way) is demasculating.

As for adventure...you need adventure and happiness too. Not just her. Take a car ride together based on a blindfolded map poke...don't expect it to make your marriage perfect. Do expect it to give you a dose of adventure. Sign up for dancing, pottery, kickball...any of those things. Remember who you were before the walls caved in. You're more than "dad".


Posts: 102 | Registered: Feb 2014
BaltimoreBlues
♂ New Member
Member # 43845
Default  Posted: 7:46 PM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Update: meeting with a lawyer tomorrow to discuss my options.

I have no idea if I will actually file. Hell, I haven't even decided if I will kick her out yet.

But I'm sick of limbo and I'm sick of her shit.


Me: 40
Her: 38
Married for 15 years
Two kids (4 and 5)
D-Day: June 16, 2014

Posts: 36 | Registered: Jun 2014
wk55hn
♂ Member
Member # 44159
Default  Posted: 7:54 PM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does she still have any contact with other man?

Posts: 383 | Registered: Jul 2014
happyman64
♂ Member
Member # 33212
Default  Posted: 10:14 PM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BB

Be strong. For yourself. For your kids.

Your wife chose the selfish option. She had a choice to act like an adult. To deal with the families issues.

Instead she chose to cheat, lie and risk breaking up her family.

It is up to you to make those tough decisions.

And you do not have to wait while your wife has her "adventure". She is missing out on the adventure god already gave her and is right in front of her. You and your kids.

Do not be her Plan B.

HM


Posts: 902 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New York
bigskyblues
♂ Member
Member # 36759
Default  Posted: 12:44 AM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BaltimoreBlues, wow not only do we have a similar user name but our cheating wives read the same book and say the same crap.

The fact of the matter is the choices your ww made had not a damn thing to do with how good of a husband you are or are not! It is very important for you to understand and believe that. It took me a while to figure it out (I didn't find SI right away) but once I did I started making better decisions.

The truth of the matter is your ww made her choices because she is a messed up (broken somehow), selfish cheater just like my xww. Her own brokenness and selfishness took her to a place where she justified everything and had her fling. They know that what they did is wrong so there has to be a reason or excuse for what they did. So the reason will always be the BS, this is all your fault because your too nice and there is no passion, you just get along too well, maybe you weren't meant to be, maybe your just such a good friend . I hope you can read that, process the fact that she is the one that is broken, and realize how much bullshit all that is!

One of our members posted a link a while back to a page that describes patterns of betrayal. I found it to be spot on for my xww, I will include it in this post. It really makes it clear that this isn't about what you did or didn't do as a spouse, it is about the broken mind of a wayward.
http://beyondaffairs.com/patterns-of-betrayal/

I want to try to fix this because I'm still in love with her and I don't want our children to have to deal with this.

Realize your not in the drivers seat at this time. You have gotten some great advice already, the 180 is the best route. I can assure you that if you try to love her back, or nice her back, you are going to have more DDays and will ultimately fail. The only way to get her back is for her to realize she is broken, seek counseling, do a boatload of work on herself, then both of you do MC and work on your marriage. None of that can happen until she is remorseful, not sorry, remorseful. Remorseful is all about owning her crap for doing this, not blaming it on you. The saying around here is "actions not words." When you see here doing the right things, and making the changes you will know she is headed in the right direction. Until then she is going to "tell" you what she is going to do, and it will all be a bunch of smoke to get you back into her world.

One other thing I would like to promise you is this, it does get better! This is a process, the more you learn about it the better you can deal with it. SI will help you learn. We have all made our mistakes as well as had our successes, and we are glad to share with you. Keep posting here, there are so many helpful people, it truly is an amazing group. Post for questions, post to vent, it is all good.

Wishing you and your kid's the very best brother!

BSB

[This message edited by bigskyblues at 12:56 AM, July 29th (Tuesday)]


BH 50s
xWW 50s

Dday1 7-2012
Dday2 8-2012
Divorce 9-2012

4 kids all adults.

Married 22+ years.

I have moved on and life is good!


Posts: 261 | Registered: Sep 2012
atreides
♂ Member
Member # 44180
Default  Posted: 12:53 AM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

oh wow, so much is piling up... so sorry. I offer a hug and to keep strong.

Just know what she says now is her clinging for closure or hope to reunite with the OM. This adventure mumbo jumbo is just that. What is she going to do, go party now? Lol She is clinging and leaving the door open for the opportunity while baseless and does not make sense... neither do affairs.

keep strong


Posts: 150 | Registered: Jul 2014
mike7
♂ Member
Member # 38603
Default  Posted: 1:07 AM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just love what OKnow posted:

Her attitude is very worrisome when she spouts that crap about wanting adventure, freedom and excitement in a new life. Generations before us consisted of wives who were grateful just to hold body and soul together, to feed their families and live an existence without too much tragedy and heartbreak. Now we have terminally stupid women like your wife who want a lot more. Sexual passion instead of a humdrum marriage. In a world so full of human misery, your WW wants more than a faithful husband, wonderful children and good health. Greedy bitch.

What can you do? The best thing is to let her go if thats what she really wants. She is going to have another affair, she has virtually told you that in expressing her need for romantic fantasies.

Right now you need her to recover from the loss of her lover and 'true soul mate'. When her depression is lifted and she is ready for her new life, then allow her to leave if thats what she needs. Meanwhile it is imperative for you to detach and become strong. If she pulls her head out of her ass it can only result from regaining respect for you as a confident, strong leader who will not allow himself to be insulted by his cheating wife. If you cannot do this you will lose; guaranteed.

You have to cast yourself in a new image to become a sexually attractive mate, and to accomplish that you have to pull away and reinvent your status as a BH. Either you learn how to stop caring for her and to stop being so vulnerable, or prepare for fresh misery down the pike. I'm afraid your WW hasn't finished hurting you yet.

I agree with her 100%. everything


BH 53
WW 52
Two kids 21, 18

DDay 1/15/2013


Posts: 542 | Registered: Mar 2013
BaltimoreBlues
♂ New Member
Member # 43845
Default  Posted: 7:33 PM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Should I tell my wife that I spoke with an attorney or should I keep that to myself?


Me: 40
Her: 38
Married for 15 years
Two kids (4 and 5)
D-Day: June 16, 2014

Posts: 36 | Registered: Jun 2014
FrmrBH80124
♂ Member
Member # 42967
Default  Posted: 7:37 PM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No. Say nothing. Please don't tip your hand until you are ready.


ME - BH 45
Her - XWS 30
D - April 2010 - never looked back and good riddance.
Happily remarried!

Though much is taken, much abides; and though we are not now that strength which in old days
moved earth and heaven, that which we are, we are


Posts: 181 | Registered: Apr 2014
atreides
♂ Member
Member # 44180
Default  Posted: 11:17 PM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree, say nothing unless you intend to use it.

Posts: 150 | Registered: Jul 2014
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