SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

We have been married for 15 years and have two children, ages 4 and 5. I'm 40 and she is 38.

Last week his wife caught them in the act and my wife came home and told me about the affair. She said that she was in love with him. A few hours later he texted her and told her he was trying to fix things with this family and that my wife should never contact him again. My wife was devastated. I honestly think she is more tore up about him breaking it off with her than she is about ruining our marriage.

She says that she still loves me but isn't in love with me. She isn't sexually attracted to me anymore. She thinks of me as her best friend but not her lover. We get along well, but maybe too well. There is never any passion.

She has agree to both individual therapy for her and marriage counseling for the both of us. She admits she isn't sure if she still wants to be married to me, though. She doesn't know if this is a midlife crisis for her or if we just aren't meant to be.

I want to try to fix this because I'm still in love with her and I don't want our children to have to deal with this.

Advice?

Very sorry you find yourself here BaltimoreBlues but you have come to the right place. She is in what we refer to as the fog. She can't see past herself. Know that there is something broken in her and it has nothing to do with you.

You are going to get hit with a lot of abbreviations. You can find most of the abbreviations here in the upper left corner in the Healing Library. Please check that section out.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/library.asp

Read up on the 180 so that you can decide if you want to use it later. It is designed for you to detach if you find that you need to later and can be found under BS FAQ here:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11

And more 180 info under the target thread here:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=232785

I would also recommend reading these target threads in the Just Found Out forum:

Tactical Primer

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=235051

Great Posts for Newbies to Read

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=361740

Boundaries and Consequences 101 for all new BS

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=385631

Before You Say Reconcile...

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=406548

For the foggy, unremorseful, cake eaters:

20/20 Hindsight: What I should have done when I J F O

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=446349

Please start with those. Unfortunately there is not much you can do if she shows little remorse. Right now she is showing regret and probably has no idea the full extent as to what she's done to you and her family. She needs IC to figure out why she thought this was acceptable to do this to you and your family. There are many reasons why but they are all bullshit. She thinks she's in love with him but it was an affair. It wasn't real. It was fantasy land without all of the struggles of daily life and reality.

Keep reading. Keep posting. Very sorry you are in this position but happy you found us. We are here for you.

yop

I am sorry for your pain. This is the club nobody wants to join but we are here for you.

It has been 1 week you are devastated.

Take some more time to think about what you want to do.

Is your wife remorseful? The I love you but not in love with you is not a good sign. She is in the wayward fog.

Read the healing library.

Give it a little time and see what happens with your wife's attitude.

Do you have the full story of the affair, was it a coworker.

She may be lucky to be alive if the OM's wife caught them in the act. She should be grateful that you are willing to give her another chance.

[This message edited by Schadenfreude at 2:29 PM, June 23rd (Monday)]

Hi, BaltimoreBlues,

I am sad each time we add a new member to our ranks.... but am so very happy you found this place so quickly. It is honestly a Godsend. I wish I had found it sooner after Dday, because the people here are so very wise and will do their best to guide you.

You will hear all sorts of advice if you stick around and keep posting. If you are anything like many other Betrayed Spouses, you will dig your heels in now and then and bristle at some of the suggestions. That's normal. The longer you stick around and read, you will find that many of these stories have similarities and there is always a pattern of behavior that pretty accurately follows a script and points to a certain outcome. People here will give you advice based on hundreds and thousands of stories that have come before you.

For now, just be good to yourself. Stay hydrated, try to eat (protein shakes if needed), try to sleep (OTC meds or see your doc if needed), try to get outside and get some exercise. For me, I found exercise to be the only thing that I could do consistently and it helped a great deal. Still does.

Read up. Post often. Share your pain. We will support you. Sit back and wait to watch her actions.

My WH was also very much "in love" with his AP. He didn't have any sudden, complete enlightenment. It came in fits and bursts. And his "addiction" to her and his "withdrawal" went on for a long time. That did more damage to me than the original A, quite honestly.

Infidelity sucks. And I am sorry you are hurting. Lots of us know how it feels. All things are possible, but for now, just take care of YOU. As well as your kiddos. They need your love more than ever.

Hang in there.

Really sorry this happened to you BaltimoreBlues. I am about two months out and it still sucks. I thought my marriage counselor was terrible. We started right from get go as it looks like you are doing, my wife like yours was still in love with her affair. Luckily insurance covered MC so wasn't too expensive otherwise complete waste because wife was completely fogged out. Maybe look for a MC that has first hand experience with affairs as ours had no clue. She was recommended by my wife's first IC and then my WW went and had another affair after that so I should have known better!!!!

Try to sleep it helps huge my better days are the days I get 5 or more hours. Exercise definitely helps me too and be careful with drinking.

Hang in there and this is a great site for resources you are not alone.

I honestly think she is more tore up about him breaking it off with her than she is about ruining our marriage.

I want to add my condolences, too. This is how my WW was. More upset about him dumping her than our marriage being ruined. She was angry at me for "finding out" and because I called the OMs wife and told her.

It was like I didn't mean anything to her at all.

She thinks of me as her best friend but not her lover.

In retrospect? I shouldn't have bothered with the MC, the books, the pastor, etc. Just a waste of time and money.

[This message edited by tfkeel at 4:02 PM, June 23rd (Monday)]

Thanks for posting the 180. I've been doing the EXACT OPPOSITE of that for the past week.

She has been sorry and remorseful for the pain she has put me through and for possible destroying our family.

But to paraphrase what she said, "Why would I risk everything and hurt you if there wasn't something fundamentally wrong with our marriage?"

I don't know if therapy can fix what is wrong or if it just all in her head.

Per innumerable posts here, she is likely to be engaging in "Marriage Rewrite" which apparently is part of the Cheating Spouses degree program. Allows them partial justification for cheating conduct they know is wrong. If the marriage had problems, try to work them out or divorce. They don't get worked out with some AP in some bed somewhere on stolen time.

Even if there was something fundamentally wrong with your marriage, she should not have cheated. There is NO EXCUSE! She is still blame shifting and not taking full accountability of her actions.

Marriage not working = 50/50 blame on you both

Affair = 100% her fault. Not yours. Do not take any blame for this. NONE. ZERO. ZIP. ZILCH.

Please keep posting. We are here for you.

You and I are in the same boat my friend. Exactly, she found the lastest OM and they are "soul mates", she will not break communication for fear of devastation now I have to decided if that is ok for me or not. It sucks to be the "loser" where the wife no longer loves us but is willing to be friendly, look we can try to find ways to "be in love" again but that road is hard to go down and she and you will always have your doubts about if it will work or not, you may always wonder if she really is in love with you or just saying that to keep the peace while she decides what to do next, leave you, or find another lover to have. Some people have jacked up psychology and they cannot be loyal. Some people only identify with "Romance" on their terms and married life does not seem to aford the things that make their panties moist. Trust me I know. This is a horrible place to be and you need to take care of yourself and go away, say for the weekend and really think about what you want. I know what you want a loving, loyal and honest wife who cares about you and ADORES YOU, and guess what, we both dont have that and we DESERVE that AND...here is the kicker, no matter what you think about yourself, there are 1000s of women living near you, RIGHT NOW, who would die to have your as their own and cheris you and love you and be loyal to you and RESPECT YOU AS YOU DESERVE TO BE RESPECTED. Your wife my my wife disrespected us on the hightest level when they willingly let another man thrust his penis into her. IT SUCKS but that is truth, I used to try and forget about that detail but that is the detail that may set you free sir. God bless you, and trust you will find peace and stabilty soon.

She has been sorry and remorseful for the pain she has put me through and for possible destroying our family.

But to paraphrase what she said, "Why would I risk everything and hurt you if there wasn't something fundamentally wrong with our marriage?"

I don't know if therapy can fix what is wrong or if it just all in her head.

It's in her head. If there was something fundamentally wrong with the marriage, she should have come to you first. As Schadenfreude points out she is rewriting the marriage history. That is very common thing to do for justification. She doesn't want to look like the bad guy. No one does. So you are going to get fed bullshit.

Having an A is something that she wanted. They are all very selfish, self entitled behavior of different levels. If there was a problem with the M, she should have come to you. Instead she wanted what she wanted.

There is absolutely no remorse here. There is only regret for getting caught. How do we know? She's rewriting your marital history. If she was truly remorseful she would take 100% ownership of the A because it's all on her.

When she had the A, she cheated on your kids as well. Did she rewrite history with them too? No. See, my story is not typical around here as I'm neither a BS or a WS. I'm a betrayed child who's mother blew apart my family so bad that one of us literally did not survive. Long story there. My point is she did cheat on the entire family. Your kids are only one degree away from the epicenter. Whether they know it or not, because of her actions, their environment is forever changed because of the dynamic between you and WW and her and the family have changed for the worse. She could have chosen a million other options besides an A. She chose that because she was selfish and it's what she wanted. How would she argue this point re cheating on the family?

yop

ETA - typos

[This message edited by yearsofpain25 at 5:10 PM, June 23rd (Monday)]

"Why would I risk everything and hurt you if there wasn't something fundamentally wrong with our marriage?"

She needs to reword her question...If there wasn't something fundamentally wrong with her.

And that is the truth. The truth that most WS's never want to see.

The truth is that most people never ever think about getting caught when they start an affair. Which means they never think about the hurt it is going to cause when they are caught.

This is an excuse and an after the fact lie.

Every person who is married and has some problems in the marriage has the choice of talking about it and working on the problems.

An affair is not working on the marriage problems in any way. It is just running away.

There very well might not have been anything wrong in the marriage until after she got involved with someone else.

Then the fantasy world of the affair starts in.

Hi BB. Sorry that you're here. But you will get a ton of great advice - and, believe me, we have all been through the same hell.

A few quick things - especially because it is so early on for you:

1. It does take a spouse a bit to get out of their feelings for the AP. Even I get that - I don't like to admit it but 2+ years out I do recognize that it's impossible to simply shut emotions off. That being said, she doesn't get to sit on the fence harping about him or making you feel even worse than you already do. That is more than foggy behavior, it's just plain mean.

The answer is that she commits to the marriage or she doesn't. Period. Do NOT let her sit on the fence and enjoy the trappings of marriage when she isn't "in" the marriage. That's different than coming back to you with 100% feelings demanding that she find herself over the next month. That won't likely happen. But she needs to make a commitment. If not - she needs to leave the house until she does, one way or the other. Do not let have her cake and eat it, too.

2. The above requires strength. And I will tell you that every guy here will say that the one thing they wished they did was to be stronger from the beginning. Being strong means recognizing that in order to save your marriage you must be willing to lose it. In other words, you can't be afraid that if you throw her out she'll run to the other man. Maybe she will - but, really, she already did. You need to be strong enough to recognize that either she comes to you on her own volition or she won't - but either way you are going to be okay.

3. Which takes me to this - which is enough for now but you will learn that there is a LOT more. You need to really understand that no matter what happens, you will be okay.

It was your wife's shortcomings that led her to have an affair. You might have SUCKED as a husband (I doubt it) but she could have handled herself in a million other ways - including divorcing you, demanding therapy, etc. Instead, she picked the cowardly way out.

You WILL survive this. I know that it doesn't seem like it but you will.

Be strong and know that there is a ton of wisdom on this site. Good luck.

How do I know if or when a separation is necessary?

Part of me thinks that making her leave will make her see how much me and the children mean to her. On the other hand, of course, part of me worries she won't miss me at all and will enjoy her new freedom.

Most importantly, I don't want to jump the gun because it will be too confusing for my kiddos.

Tell her to move out, she isn't sure she wants the marriage, well good then she can move out, and tell the children why she's moving, of course she won't want to do either, she isn't remorseful because she hasn't suffered for her actions, expose the affair to everyone, she's the one who has killed the marriage. I'll wager that her attitude will change when you get tough, she has no respect for you now, sees you as weak and having little value. (this is the lie necessary to make the affair justified)if you want to save the marriage then you need to be prepared to end it. Serve her with divorce papers (you can always stop them later if she comes around) Let her know that you aren't okay with being plan b.

You will know when you can no longer tolerate the conditions you are under. She was already forced out of the A, so that part is clear for now. However you should have a few goals in mind before you decide on S vs D vs R.

First and foremost, contact a attorney and know what your rights are. This does not mean you need to file for D. But you should now how to protect yourself and your kids should it start to head further south. Do not let WW know about this as she may try and beat you to the punch if she turns resentful or nasty.

Second, make a list of the things that you personally need to see from your WW in order for you to stay. She has already given you reasons to leave. What do you need to stay. Start discussing these things with WW. See the before you say reconcile post above.

Third. The kids! Start looking into child psychologists. Sometimes it can take a while to get one. Look into what it would take to get one. If things turn ugly in the home, they may need this sonnet than later. At the very least the child psych can work with you on what to do f it should come to S or D. Discuss this with WW. Make her see consequences to her actions.

Fourth, finances. What are things going to look like if you should separate. Start getting a plan in place to make it easy IF the shit hits the fan even more. Keep to yourself for now until you feel getting closer to S or D.

Fifth, every day practice things. Figure out sleeping arrangements for use during the 180 or for when you S, if it comes to that. Pet responsibilities, etc. talk it over with WW. Make sure she sees consequences to her actions.

Sixth, as Comm noted, expose the affair. There are split camps here on SI as to whether or not you should tell everyone. I fall into the tell everyone camp to show her actions have consequences but more importantly is a good tool to help slap her out if the fog. When she sees that other people know, will be much harder for her to rewrite history with everyone else and won't give her much wiggle room. Also by exposing less of a chance for her to take the affair underground later or start a new one.

yop

[This message edited by yearsofpain25 at 6:41 PM, June 23rd (Monday)]

BaltimoreBlues,

This will be the hardest advice to follow but you need to let go of the outcome.

Whether or not she moves out should not be about making her miss you or worrying she'll enjoy it. It should be about the fact that she, as a married woman, is not willing to honor her vows and put her family at risk.

Speaking of putting her family at risk I think it shows her monumental lack of character that she says that must mean something is wrong with the M.

Lots of couples have problems. Somehow they don't lie and cheat and potentially break up two families as their reaction. Her reaction had nothing to do with fixing what is wrong. It was, and still is, purely about what she selfishly wants despite the consequences to everyone around her.

I get that you still love her. Your instinct is preserve your family. Soon, once you've had some time to really think about what she's done, you will ask yourself why you even want her if she's willing to treat you that way. I think it's a fair question to ask her now.

For the record this...

She thinks of me as her best friend but not her lover.

...is not the way any friend should be treated. She "thought" of you as her best friend because it was that more convenient than to remember you are, in fact, her husband.

How do I know if or when a separation is necessary?

Part of me thinks that making her leave will make her see how much me and the children mean to her. On the other hand, of course, part of me worries she won't miss me at all and will enjoy her new freedom.

Most importantly, I don't want to jump the gun because it will be too confusing for my kiddos.

I never thought how kicking my fWW out would have affected my at that time 13 yo daughter.

I figured if being at a motel banging some douche bag instead of picking up daughter from dance lessons then my daughter was better off without her.

She did not think about her family when she was running around with OM while I was taking care of DD.

However my fWW was remorseful and I still almost kicked her out.

So ask yourself does your WW even want to be a mother.

Kick her out and see you are the best thing for your daughter right now.

I'm sorry you are going through this all. It's horrible. My twins are almost 5 years old so I can give you some info on how it's been. Three days after I uncovered the affair, my WH left me and the kids. So I had no choice. My kids miss him, I'm not going to lie. They aren't crying about it or acting out but are quite verbal if asking questions which I answer truthfully with age appropriate responses. I'm in IC weekly. Kids go to play therapy weekly. We are doing well. I'm grateful they do ask questions and express their feelings because that means they are processing it all and not keeping it in. So don't sweep it under the rug with the kids, let them know you aren't going anywhere and they didn't do anything wrong. Assure them daily. You can do this. I wanted him to stay for the kids too. I get that. In hindsight he gave me and the kids a gift of good health by leaving.