BaltimoreBlues, wow not only do we have a similar user name but our cheating wives read the same book and say the same crap.
The fact of the matter is the choices your ww made had not a damn thing to do with how good of a husband you are or are not! It is very important for you to understand and believe that. It took me a while to figure it out (I didn't find SI right away) but once I did I started making better decisions.
The truth of the matter is your ww made her choices because she is a messed up (broken somehow), selfish cheater just like my xww. Her own brokenness and selfishness took her to a place where she justified everything and had her fling. They know that what they did is wrong so there has to be a reason or excuse for what they did. So the reason will always be the BS, this is all your fault because your too nice and there is no passion, you just get along too well, maybe you weren't meant to be, maybe your just such a good friend . I hope you can read that, process the fact that she is the one that is broken, and realize how much bullshit all that is!
One of our members posted a link a while back to a page that describes patterns of betrayal. I found it to be spot on for my xww, I will include it in this post. It really makes it clear that this isn't about what you did or didn't do as a spouse, it is about the broken mind of a wayward.
I want to try to fix this because I'm still in love with her and I don't want our children to have to deal with this.
Realize your not in the drivers seat at this time. You have gotten some great advice already, the 180 is the best route. I can assure you that if you try to love her back, or nice her back, you are going to have more DDays and will ultimately fail. The only way to get her back is for her to realize she is broken, seek counseling, do a boatload of work on herself, then both of you do MC and work on your marriage. None of that can happen until she is remorseful, not sorry, remorseful. Remorseful is all about owning her crap for doing this, not blaming it on you. The saying around here is "actions not words." When you see here doing the right things, and making the changes you will know she is headed in the right direction. Until then she is going to "tell" you what she is going to do, and it will all be a bunch of smoke to get you back into her world.
One other thing I would like to promise you is this, it does get better! This is a process, the more you learn about it the better you can deal with it. SI will help you learn. We have all made our mistakes as well as had our successes, and we are glad to share with you. Keep posting here, there are so many helpful people, it truly is an amazing group. Post for questions, post to vent, it is all good.
Wishing you and your kid's the very best brother!
BSB BH 50s
4 kids all adults.
Married 22+ years.
I have moved on and life is good!