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User Topic: everythings lost - not a happy ending
Nothingtolose
♀ New Member
Member # 43843
Default  Posted: 5:18 PM, June 23rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i really dont know where to begin. we were perfect. atleast in my head we were. we are young, met in college, our parents have grown up together, so theres that family history. and it was all so pretty and perfect..
he was brash and irresponsible when we first met. i didnt like him at all..he was just aboy.and i was an ambitious , hot headed young girl. but the first night we spoke, we stayed up the night...talking, sharing, dreaming..and we never stopped talking after that. in a few days, there was this unexplicable pull..it was LOVE alright! and so we started off..two young, wild, lovers! and this brash, irresponsible guy began growing up into a man.he turned around..he took charge of his life..set his goals right ..and yeah, we were in most of them!
my dad passed away a year after we began seeing each other..and he was there. like a rock. he became my support, my late night anxiety call, my prince rescuing me from my deepest fears.he wiped away my tears, and made me feel alive . HE SAID I MADE HIM FEEL ALIVE TOO.
he was there throguh it all..and we had our good times, life went on. i went from being an independent, carefree, ambitious girl , to a dependent, clingy, attention seeking woman..it didnt bother us that much ..but in a few months,the cracks set in. we were still going strong, but the dependent clingy person id become..i didnt allow him to hangout with his friends, i got 'posessive'..and we had our little tiffs and arguments about this. but we always got back togetehr..said our sorries, made out and smiled, knowing THERE WAS NOTHING THAT COULD PULL US APART. he made me believe so. 'im never letting you go' he would say. NO MATTER WHAT.
things went on like this for a while..he became distant,,after 3 years into the relationship..wouldnt talk as much on the phone, or wouldnt surprise me as much...but i looked into his eyes, and the love and affection was still there.through all the nonsense and the fights, we DREAMT OF STARTING A LIFE TOGETHER.he would make plans with his freins, and i would get mad. soon, he stpped telling me of these plans (with hia guy friends)..adn i didnt bother to findout....after a while he started not commenting on his future plans..he would be vague.i thought he was just moving into a different zone.
soon, i left the city we lived in for an internship in a different part of the country. it went well. HE SAID THE DISTANCE WAS NICE. i made friends, i enjoyed, discovered more of myself..it was wonderful. while i was away..he did everythign with his friends ,that he hadnt done with me. taken trips, watched movies, painted, gone photographing. all these things that id begged him to do with me..buthe just didnt have the 'time' then. its fine..i let it pass, since i was having fun and knowing myself too.
at the end of my internship he came to visit me. he saw the AMAZING FRIENDS id made, the life i was living int hat community..he was a bit jealous..and he wanted that. i soon left , but he decided to stay there and get a summer job. i left..it was very difficuly to leave the place that had given me so much..given me back myself, my independece and joy..and so many amazing people from all over the world..so intitally the transition was difficult. i kept calling him and texting him...when i got back to my hometown..but he didnt respond. my firneds there said he was busy, going to the beach, working, just..having fun. i let it be..
it had NEVER HAPPENED THAT WE HADNT SPOKEN FOR MORE THAN A DAY.we would be in contact, no matter where. thats how bf/gf are right?
which is why..it was weird that he hadnt called/msged/emailed in 2WEEKS!!!
it ws difficult.but i stopped calling and crazytexting.
but i had to find out what was going on! i texted one of my bestfriends and asked her what was up..was he SEEING SOMEONE ELSE?? WHAT WAS WRONG?she was really close to me and said she would tell me everythign clearly.
but before i could speak to her directly..one of my friends handed the phone to my bf. i WAILED AND CRIED. I DIDNT KNOW WHAT WAS HAPPENING. WHY HE HADNT CALLED/BOTHERED TO CONTACT ME IN 2 WEEKS..ASK IF I WAS OK.i was mad and sad and confused. i told him this..he cried too..and kept saying ' i dont deserve you//youre too good for me'//i thought it was coz he was guilty that hed cut me off ...we said our sorries..but something was still not right and normal. i gave him several chances, i asked him to be honest..but he just wouldnt say anything..he just kept saying he was carried away and ditn deserve me.
next morning.my informant friend called. SHE TOLD ME EVERYTHING. HOW HE WAS BEHAVING LIKE A SINGLE GUY AFTER I LEFT, HOW HE WORE GIRLS CLOTHES AND SLEPT IN THEIR ROOMS, DID LIL THINGS FOR THIS GIRL..LIKE PICKING HER UP , STAYING UP LATE WITH HER..
i was confused and shocked.!!it was like my world fell apart. i immedaitly called him and asekd him if all this was true. HE SAID YES. HE SAID YES, TO SLEEPING WITH THE GIRL.KISSING HER. LIKING IT. YES , THAT HE THOUGHT OF ME WHILE HE DID IT, BUT WENT AHEAD ANYWAYS
MY WORLD CRASHED AND BURNED TO THE GROUND. MY 'SOUL MATE' MY WORLD, MY MOST TRUSTED FRIEND. MY ROCK ,MY PIECE OF JOY.- BETRAYED ME. and liked it!!he wasnt sorry. he was sorry he got caught.
ALL THIS happened over the phone.
he called a few hrs later, crying and begging for another chance. i asked him IF HE WANTED ANOTHER CHANCE ATALL..SINCE HE WAS CLEARLY UNHAPPY WITH ME, TO HAVE DONE ALL THOSE THINGS WITH THAT GIRL.
next morning i was calmer..i wanted to speak to him. he would answer. i called him all day, he said he was out . in the night..i finally got thru. and then he revealed how mUCH HE WAS SUFFOCATED, CHOKED AND UNHAPPY with me. HED BEEN THAT WAY SINCE 2 YEARS.he hadnt been happy..and now that hewas away from me, HED FOUND THE FREEDOM AND THE CHANCE TO do what he did.
I ALMOST DIED THAT NIGHT.

WE havent spoken since. we exchanged a few msgs of liberation and releasing each other from the 'bonds' of this relationship.

but what about the dreams , promises and futures wed built toghetehr? how could he have done all those things when he was unhappy?
im confused. its been a month..hes back in my city. most of our friends arent talking to him. he didnt bother to tell them anyway..he didnt talk to them while he was there..he leaned on that girl and the new friends hed made there. now hes back , crying and alone. heDOESNT WANT TO GET BACK WITH ME. he told a friend..but hes guilty about the way he ended things.
ive only been loyal and faithful thru the realtionship. ive caused trouble, have been very dependent on him..but was this his way of TAKING REVENGE for all the lil things i did wrong? ISNT CHEATING A CHOICE? and how am i supposed to get over this??


Posts: 6 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: India
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 5:34 PM, June 23rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Nothingtolose. That is a very painful story. And you are right. There are a million other options he could have explored before he took the cowards way out and cheated. Please know that this is not your fault. Just because the relationship cold be strenuous at times does not give him the right to cheat. He's using that as an excuse. There is something broken in his to allow himself to do this to you.

I'm very sorry you find yourself here but you did come to the right place. Keep posting even if it's just to vent. We are here for you.

yop


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2187 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
k94ever
♀ Member
Member # 11176
Default  Posted: 5:39 PM, June 23rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear N,

Yes....he is a shit for cheating on you. That hurts and hurts bad.

You two are not married, no children, no financial ties to each other. Consider this a blessing that he showed you who he really was before you two became legally entangled.

Go through the hurt, but realize you were blessed to find out early.

Everything is NOT lost. You've regained your independence, your joy of life. You've learned a valuable life lesson about yourself and about relationships. You will be much smarter when the right person comes into your life.

From my viewpoint......you are the winner in this relationship.

{{{hugs}}}


k9


BS: 56
WS: 53
Betrayed: 23 years
Affairs: 14 (2 lasted 3 months. Rest were ONS)
WS died: 16 May 2011
Do not stay in your hurt forever. Choose to move out of it.

Posts: 6580 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: Wisconsin
steppingup
♂ Member
Member # 42650
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, June 23rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

you are so lucky, sorry, I wish I had been in your shoes and found out before I got married dedicated my whole existance to her WW and had children. You DESERVE a loving and FAITHFUL husband...and he is out there somewhere, and this experience will save you much toil as you will investigate your next love better and communicate better and find ways to to protect your next relationship from this better. You can start anew, sorry about the pain, your real future is out there looking for you. Good luck dear. Oh BTW, it wasn't you...it was him. Don't let the comments he made fool you, that is a common trick of a cheater, make you think they did it because of something you did, nope. They could have left the relationship then goofed off and they didn't. He is making shit up to make you take your mind off his failure as a man. Yes you just got dumped by a failure, time to get over it. (HUGS)


Her (WW 40s) Me (BH, 40s) very young DS & DD

“Whatever follows after DD is much more crucial than the infidelity action itself” Quote by SI Member Melian40

"I'm a good man, not an option" - Steppingup


Posts: 498 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: CALI
Nothingtolose
♀ New Member
Member # 43843
Default  Posted: 3:01 AM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

THANKYOU!! yearsofpain2,k94ever,
steppingup
y'all are saying exactly what my friends and family are saying..and its great that you guys care enough to say it. :))
yes, dignity is what i thought i deserved ..and he chose to end it in such a disrespectful way.
it has been a pattern in his life. hes had a few 'flings' before i came into his life. and in most of them, hes walked away, leaving the girl to GUESS whether theyre togetehr or broken up. and he hasnt confronted those girls yet..they got over him since it wasnt even a relationship...just a few weeks togetehr.
but i thought hed turned around and become a MAN. with me. but hes done the exact same thing to me .'the one he called perfect and with whom it wouldve lasted forever'. i dont understand.
he doesnt have the guts and hes spineless.
and i might see him in college for a few minutes, but even thru that, im sure, knowing him, and his gutless ways, hel walk on by as if nothign has happened.

but im torn. ive loved him deeply. ive been only faithfula nd loyal to him about the littlest things. ive cared for him.
but at the same time, i feel like HE NEEDS TO BE BETRAYED BY SOMEBODY. HE NEEDS TO LOSE SOMEBODY HE REALLY LOVES and go thru the pain hes put me and my family thru.
I DONT WISH BAD UPON SOMEBODY, BUT I FEEL LIKE THIS IS NECESSARY ,FOR HIM TO GROW AND NOT MAKE THE SAME MISTAKES AGAIN.



Posts: 6 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: India
UpInTheAirNow
♂ Member
Member # 37777
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome.
The only way out is through this. Not around. Feel your pain. Make friends with it. When I cry I say ouch. Because this shit hurts. It will take a while but you will slowly feel better and better. Give it time. This is still very fresh for you. Look up in the left corner and start reading the healing library. Help you understand what happened and what to expect.
Recommend you get IC. You need to find that independent person you used to be. Sounds like you may be codependent. That's not good. Your next relationship will be better without the codependent traits.
I was codependent but no more.
Keep posting. You will be Ok. You will be stronger and wiser than you ever wanted to be. The best revenge is a life well lived. Now do it.


ME 44
WW 50
DDay 6/13/12
Married 17 years, together 27 yrs.
Its a deal breaker!

Posts: 167 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: NY
k94ever
♀ Member
Member # 11176
Default  Posted: 2:06 PM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No N....he did not hurt your family. Disappointed them maybe, but YOU are the one he hurt. Own that this is your hurt.

And leave revenge to the Big Guy Upstairs. Be thankful you were shown his true persona before you were married or had kids.

Go through the hurt and have a great life.


k9


BS: 56
WS: 53
Betrayed: 23 years
Affairs: 14 (2 lasted 3 months. Rest were ONS)
WS died: 16 May 2011
Do not stay in your hurt forever. Choose to move out of it.

Posts: 6580 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: Wisconsin
Nothingtolose
♀ New Member
Member # 43843
Target  Posted: 5:12 AM, June 28th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi you guys.
I wanted to share with you guys, that I met him in college. We spoke and I've finally got the closure I needed and deserved.

The relationship was dying anyways, I was not happy either, and was just dragging it on and not letting go.
Now, I'm free to move on . This was a closure I needed, I couldn't just walk away from this guy who had kant th world to me at some point.
I let him know that what he did was wrong, and I was proud of myself for dealing with it so maturely and responsibly like I have.he realized the bridges he's burnt, and the friends he disregarded. Hel have to make it up to them, that's his issue now. Although he asked if we could give the friendship another chance, and I said il need some time. He said hel need time and space too...and I'm fine now. He's not my priority, I am.
I'm free of him, he's free of me. I can go out, and live my life, achieve what I've dreamt.
I don't need a guy to make me happy...he important thing is to be happy myself..!
Thanks for yhe support you guys,keep in touch .staystrong
Xx


Posts: 6 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: India
mandolin555
♀ Member
Member # 42476
Default  Posted: 7:59 AM, June 28th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But he HAS lost someone he loves and cares about. YOU. He did it all. It's on him. You may have been overbearing, suffocating, and co dependent but this solution isn't to cheat. It's to have a grown up conversation about needs and boundaries. Stop blaming yourself and start healing yourself. Also, don't negate how horrible it feels to be cheated on in a non marriage relationship. Marriage is just a piece of paper. Cheating hurts. Even if you've only been together a couple years and have no children.

Posts: 102 | Registered: Feb 2014
Uhtred
♂ Member
Member # 40392
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, June 28th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All I can really say is that I'm sorry for your pain and that man you were married to turned out to be a real piece of shit and he'll regret it one day so much. Count yourself fortunate that you didn't find yourself with kids and the dream house and all the other things you two were working so hard for. I'm not minimizing or saying it hurts any less I'm just trying to get you to look at the positive that he showed you who he really was before you two had children together. Bless you on this day and all the days of your life going forward. I promise you things will be so different in a year from now for you. Hang in there.


Me: BH 32years old DDay 4-29-13
Her: WW 33 years old
“Yet each man kills the thing he loves
By each let this be heard
Some do it with a bitter look
Some with a flattering word
The coward does it with a kiss
The brave man with a sword”

Posts: 616 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Houston, Texas
doggiediva
♀ Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 8:40 AM, June 28th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Some people are fortunate enough to go thru their whole lives dodging this bullet..

Obviously your former WBF has serious issues..At this stage of the game in a relationship, many people prefer to make a clean break vs cheating...

It is after marriage or many years together that people take the coward's way out.. Cheating, lying, hiding their behavior from their partners.. Because breaking up the relationship isn't clean any more it gets complicated...Divorce, custody issues, divided finances, lifelong obligations, etc..

Invest in yourself foremost/always... Sanity, health, intellectual growth, friends,livelihood..

Always be in a position where you will be okay whether living solo or as a part of a couple..


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1251 | Registered: Nov 2011
Nothingtolose
♀ New Member
Member # 43843
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, June 28th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes I know what happened was wrong.
I don't condone it or justify it.

There is the hurt of losing someone who once promised to be there forever, and have kids and make a life together. Yes Ofcourse there is..
I sometimes wake up wondering , what if I lose him, and he finds someone . At one point, he was everything I wanted. I don't know how il cope of he settles down wih someone else.i hate feeling like I'm part of a race...and I'm honestly saying that it does feel like I need to win this. these thoughts DO plague my mind.
But I need to move on now, and the only way through it is forgiveness , of himself and myself. Myself first...for letting me become insecure, clingy and dependent. Now that I look back, I don't like that person. Who would? I stopped him from making friends, hanging out with his pals and stupid things like that. I shall never ever do that again...that's not who I am. I like my space and I respect peoples space. I'm a single child, so I'm pretty independent that way..I need to go back being that.

All said and done, it's wrong the way it happened. I hope people learn from this..and not lose focus of themselves in a relationship ..NEVER ever give up yourself for anybody! It's just not worth it, and it hurts like mad.

Xx

[This message edited by Nothingtolose at 11:55 AM, June 28th (Saturday)]


Posts: 6 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: India
Nothingtolose
♀ New Member
Member # 43843
Default  Posted: 1:39 AM, July 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ex trying to call me.
i have blocked his number since a month. hes been telling my friends and his friends (some of whom have distanced themselves from him) , to tell me to unblock his number.
i dont understand why he would want to talk to me?

he made it very clear soon after we got our closure, that 'we both need time and space' before we get to talking again. he texted very coldly and rudely saying this, and ever since i havent had the urge to get in touch with him. it hasnt even been two weeks since, and my life seems much much better now. ive moved on . i dont think of him as much(unless someone mentions him) and theres been absolute no contact . but since a couple of days hes been wanting to get me to unblock him. its pathetic. earlier i did sympathize with him, understanding how lost and confused he must feel, losing his friends through all this, but now i dont give a damn!i dont need to speak to him. he needs to know it doesnt work this way..
i wish somebody could make that clear to him on my behalf.
also, nowadays, i dont feel like i want him in my life at all, or that i need to be in his life. i was holding on to scraps and morsels of attention, possibly with the hope that we might get back togetehr someday, but frankly now, i dont want to get back. my life is better, im working on myself my goals and relationships.
i can breathe again!
xx


Posts: 6 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: India
ArkLaMiss
♀ Member
Member # 14918
Default  Posted: 1:49 AM, July 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You go, girl! Keep him blocked and do NOT cave and talk to him. Find someone who will cherish you! You got this!


Just HOW stupid do you think I am, exactly?

Posts: 1203 | Registered: Jun 2007
k94ever
♀ Member
Member # 11176
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, July 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's called "hovering".

He's trying to suck you back into his life because you are a known quantity.

Don't do it.


{{{hugs}}}


k9


BS: 56
WS: 53
Betrayed: 23 years
Affairs: 14 (2 lasted 3 months. Rest were ONS)
WS died: 16 May 2011
Do not stay in your hurt forever. Choose to move out of it.

Posts: 6580 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: Wisconsin
Nothingtolose
♀ New Member
Member # 43843
Default  Posted: 4:06 AM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

there are some days when eveything is fine. life is good, no more thoughts about him, no news and no contact with him.

and then there are days like this when it all crashes and comes down to this mass of blackness.

my stepfather spoke to him, since my ex was trying to call me since a couple of days. dad spoke to him on the phone, to ask him why he was calling now, after everything was said and done, and gave him one chance to confess, man to man.

my ex was shaken and started rambling about how I had forced him to go out , and how MY FRIENDS cornered him and threw themselves at him. he also maligned my bestfriend, saying that she had been interested in him. and then he confessed , that he had slept with a girl and and had flings with a few more.

i cannot believe how sick he is. hes already forgiven himself, and is justifying his actions.he admits that he messed up with me, but its okay, it happens.

the girl he slept with is also a cheater. she cheated on her bf, and then my ex supposedly 'fell in love' with her . he became clingy and posessive of her, and that girl lost interest, and went back to her old bf. my ex couldnt take this, and is still 'madly in love ' with her.

all this in a month, after coming out of a serious, 'commited', parent-approved, relationship.

im deeply hurt and saddened. 4 years and 5 months of nothing. all the promises, 'being toegther forever', all the plans, all gone , just like his virginity, that we both had saved for each other.

im shocked at how callous, insensitive and selfish men are. how quickly they replace someone who was once their only priority.i have only wished him well, have only defended him, but i really, really dont now. i wish him the worst life he can get , hes lost loyalty. in return for his 'freedom' and 'fun of being a 20 something', hes lost loyalty and faithfulness.
i have cleared my house of all his gifts.and am fed-exing him a box of his belongings. 4 years of 'buying affection and love'. it didnt mean anything. it never did.
otherwise, he wouldnt have moved on so guilelessly.

[This message edited by Nothingtolose at 4:09 AM, July 15th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 6 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: India
NeverAgain2013
♀ Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 8:09 AM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NothingToLose, thank you for typing your subsequent messages without all those capital letters. That's impossible to read and I had to scroll through a lot of your posts.

You're young and every young person experiences at least one broken heart, and some experience two or three. It's part of life.

It's this very pain and heartache that helps us grow into the person we'll one day become. It's also a lesson we all learn and hopefully can take away life knowledge from it so we can have better relationships in the future because of it.

Hopefully you've learned never, ever to become completely dependent and smothering and clingy to any man because that will scare him away faster than anything. It's not healthy for either of you and it's inhibiting and will suck the joy right out of a relationship.

So LEARN from this experience.

Good luck to you.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1807 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 17

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