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User Topic: Realizations vent
dameia
♀ Member
Member # 36072
Default  Posted: 9:38 PM, June 23rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been struggling the past few days.

It started on Saturday. We took my son somewhere special to celebrate his b-day. It's about 1.5 hours from where we live now, but very close to where we lived when WH fucked his howorker.

I actually enjoyed going out, seeing my DS have fun. I've been annoyed with WH lately, because although he isn't cheating, he is back to his selfish ways. Not pulling his weight around the houze, napping every day, playing computer games instead of interacting with the family. Despite that, we had a nice family trip. When we left, however, we had to drive past his old workplace and I triggered hard. Later that evening I realized the place we took WH is where the actual ONS took place.

So I've been dwelling on this stuff for a few days and here are some of my shitty realizations:

My entire adult life is based on a lie. Everything I have in life right now is based on lies. My 3 kids my house, my dog, my cats...EVERYTHING. We started dating at 18, engaged at 19, pregnant at 20, M and living overseas at 21. That whole time he was cheating on me. He kept chrating on me until we were 27 and lied about it until I was 31. So everything I've lived for is all based on lies.

I will never come first. He will always put himself first. He does try, but it's his inherent nature to be selfish. Both his parents were selfish assholes, and he learned from the best. When I learned about OW17 (the howorker) he told me all these horrible things about her; he really put her down. But then he asked me not to repeat what he said to her. Didn't want me to "hurt her feelings". My feelings...well they aren't as important.

My WH does try in his own way to help me heal, but I don't think it will ever be enough. I'm staying with him because it's what is best for everyone. And I do like him most of the time. But I don't think I'll ever be truly happy. Every time I look at him I'm reminded of what he stole from me. I wanted to he free, to travel, to live an adventurous life. I'm tied down.

I'm just really depressed lately. Maybe because DDay is coming up. Or maybe because I'm just beginning to accept the reality of my situation.


Me: BS
D-Day: 7/7/12

Trust is like paper. Once it's crumpled it can never be perfect again.


Posts: 1168 | Registered: Jul 2012
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 10:05 PM, June 23rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's kind of sobering when you start looking back at the years of history and realize just how far things have gone. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would be where I am. I wasted so many years on a selfish bastard. So many tainted memories because of his selfish decisions. My nightmare started less than ten yes ago but hell, I could be way off. I don't know who the hell I married anymore.


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5130 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
tfkeel
♂ Member
Member # 19517
Default  Posted: 6:39 AM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm staying with him because it's what is best for everyone.
Every time I look at him I'm reminded of what he stole from me. I w.anted to he free, to travel, to live an adventurous life. I'm tied down.

I gave myself permission to not be "tied down" and went and did what I wanted.

All that sacrificing I did was a waste of my time and energy, spent on someone who didn't respect me enough to keep her vows.

I told her I had changed jobs and was going to be gone from home a lot more. She said "....don't I have a say in this??..."

I replied, "...no. You lost your "say" when you broke your vows... from now on, I am doing what I want, when I want..."

[This message edited by tfkeel at 6:41 AM, June 24th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 518 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Pennsylvania
dameia
♀ Member
Member # 36072
Default  Posted: 7:56 AM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My problem is that if I just decide to do what I want when I want, my children will suffer. He won't put their best interests first, he'll do what's easiest for him. Whenever I leave him alone with DS3 during the day, just for a few hours, I come back to find DS3 sitting on the couch watching TV. He doesn't take time to interact with the kids because it's easier to just park them somewhere with electronics so he can then play computer games.

I know I can change my life if I want, but at what cost to my kids? And if I start being selfish then what makes me any different than him?


Me: BS
D-Day: 7/7/12

Trust is like paper. Once it's crumpled it can never be perfect again.


Posts: 1168 | Registered: Jul 2012
rollerager
♀ Member
Member # 39175
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My X is just as your DH. I don't want my kids growing up thinking the way he acts is acceptable, which is why I left. Also, I shouldn't have to be miserable and it WILL effect the children. The cost to your kids is that they will see this relationship between you and your husband as being acceptable and they will mirror it in their life. Just like you said, your DH learned from his selfish parents.


BS 22
WS 26
D-Day #1 EA/PA Oct 2011
D-Day #2 EA/PA Feb 2012
D-Day #3 EA/PA Mar 2012
^On going affair with former girlfriend.
D-Day #4 PA April 2013
D-Day #5 PA May 2014

I cannot see any hope in R, I am truly shattered.


Posts: 74 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Missouri
ShiningAutumn8
Member
Member # 42558
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH does try in his own way to help me heal, but I don't think it will ever be enough. I'm staying with him because it's what is best for everyone. And I do like him most of the time. But I don't think I'll ever be truly happy. Every time I look at him I'm reminded of what he stole from me. I wanted to he free, to travel, to live an adventurous life. I'm tied down.

How is staying together "best for everyone"? Don't you mean, its best for HIM? 2 sentences later you say you want to be free, to travel and not be tied down. How is it best for everyone, if you are never truly happy?

Kids deserve to have happy parents. Ultimately, I think seeing parents unhappy is one the most damaging things kids can go through.

As for him your kids suffering, I don't think so. If you were to divorce, ultimately he'd have parenting time with them alone -- if he chooses to have them watch TV all afternoon, so be it. Yeah its not ideal, but its certainly not going to destroy them. All your time with them doing activities and giving them attention will more than make up for that.

I just hate to see you waste your life with a selfish man who cares only for his own needs.

Have you at least met with a lawyer to find out your rights and what you'd be entitlted to, what a separation would look like financially? Information is so empowering.


Posts: 440 | Registered: Feb 2014
shygirl07
♀ Member
Member # 42972
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dameia,
I understand you dont want to put your children through a divorce , but from what it sounds like you are unhappy and your children will see that. Dont you want to show them a strong woman that knows her worth , my mom had to leave my pops when I was barely 2 because she knew it wasnt going to work ... yes Ill admit at times it sucked being a divorcee parents child but it had its perks lol double gifts and extra love from grandparents..

Your children look up to you and him as well and if thats what they see as a guide of how to be in a marriage they could risk making the same moves ( i am not JUDGING YOU AT ALL ! I just want you to be happy)

a lifetime of misery but comfort or a new life without someone who evidently doesnt care about your heart.. I had to do it myself and it was excruciating but no looking back after...


me:27
him:30
7 years together
no children

OW was his ex he always convinced was his friend .. moved in her and knocked her up , got together behind my back


Ddays : many in 2009 and 2010
final dday : Sept 2012 after being broken up 3 w


Posts: 73 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: CA
Topic Posts: 7

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