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User Topic: Need input on sending email to OW
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Member # 42471
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

On behalf of goats everywhere...

Posts: 9 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: CA
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Member # 32820
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm very reluctant to make suggestions or recommendations to other BS's because everybody must do what's best for them in their own situation, but I do appreciate receiving suggestions from others in that it opens my eyes to possibilities that I had not considered. That being said, in my case, on DD2, I found a long string of text messages between WW and original (and presumably only OM). I freaked out, and because I had been drinking a few beers (but not drunk), I did not have my normally very strong check on my emotions. I don't recall how it actually occurred, but WW pressed a few buttons on the string of texts on her iPhone . The phone rang and went to voicemail and I left the message: "Listen to me you fucking piece of shit, stay the fuck away from my wife." Needless to say, this message prompted a contact from OM to WW to find out what was going on. So, I guess, what I'm trying to say is that your e-mail my prompt a contact by OW to WH, and is that what you want?

Posts: 134 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: New Jersey
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Member # 42372
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I used to be in the NC camp. But as time has passed and I read other BS's devastation, I have changed my stance. I 'know' the ghetto ho doesn't "get" she's a bottom dweller, that's fine. That doesn't negate "my" right to tell her off for her participation in the affair. I also believe and have from day 1, that my husband is 100% responsible and guilty of his betrayal to me, that being said, that doesn't absolve the OW/OM from their part or responsibility, it's called "integrity" or basic human kindness or consideration, whether they live by it or not doesn't give them a free pass.
I would NEVER tell the OW/OM how their actions affected me or my family, but I would/did express my opinion of what kind of person they are. I have never regretted what I did and if I run into her I don't have to say a word. She knows my husband dumped her immediately after "she" spilled the beans and she knows "I" know a lot more truths about her and her family then she ever bargained for. She "knows" what I think of her. Enough said.

I would also let the company owner know what she is capable of, maybe he knows and doesn't care, but there's a good chance when he realizes he's fucking the office ho, she may get what she deserves....

Posts: 364 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Florida
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Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What does closure look like for you?

If you want the OW to feel your pain, not going to happen

If you want your words to sting her, not going to happen.

If you want her to grovel at your feet, asking for forgiveness, not going to happen.

If you want peace that comes with a well worded vent to her, not going to happen.

If you want understanding, not going to happen.

If you want to change her ways so nobody else suffers from her, not going to happen.

If you want to sear her heart so she stays away from your WS, not going to happen.

You want to know what will happen?

She will get a good laugh at your expense.

She will know you are hurting and your marriage is cracked.

She will share your heartfelt email with coworkers and girlfriends so they can all gave a chuckle.

She will use your hurting to bolster her messed up self esteem.

She will circle back around, testing your WS's resolve because your email described your pains. It will give her a new recipe of seduction to work on, all provided by you.

You will feel good for a while. Then,tomorrow or next month, you will think of other things you should have said. The need to vent to her will not die. There will always be things floating around your mind you want to scream at her.

Closure with the AP and the BS is as illusive as the sparkly unicorn they rode in on. You know those obnoxious, life is so great Christmas letters you get? Now that might be just thing to send out to her to get your closure. Lay it on thick. JK

Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.

Posts: 1584 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, bless your heart
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Member # 43064
Default  Posted: 5:24 PM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, I appreciate all of the input from everyone. I spent most of the morning on SI and then out of the blue my IC called me. We talked for over an hour and I felt much better. I think I am now in a position to do what most of you say and not send the email to OW. Her sin is between her and God. It's not my problem. I won't be able to change her, I can only change myself and how I process all of this. It is a tall order but I will keep trying. If I feel like a fool I am doing that to myself. I'm going to get back into IC as I have not gone in about a month. I think I need to continue a little more. My IC really helped me, she had the same experience in her life so she can relate, but at the same time give really good support. Thank you again for all the responses. I appreciate all of you.

Him: WS, 51 LTA/EA/PA(he says 1 yr, evidence = 2 yrs)
Me: BS 52
OW: Caribbean whore, ugly
What I want: Profound, deep, passionate love.
What I got: Betrayal, heartache and Xanax.

Posts: 174 | Registered: Apr 2014
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Default  Posted: 10:10 PM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He probably does and just wants a piece of ass

Completely agree with this ^^^

Although it is tempting to send him a Hallmark card. One that says:

Congratulations, I see that the office whore has moved on from my H to you. Enjoy!

Resist the urge!

ME: 54 BS
HIM: 61 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 4 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.

Posts: 2133 | Registered: Nov 2011
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Member # 43064
Default  Posted: 6:47 AM, June 25th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm still having a hard time with not sending the company owner an anonymous email. I guess I am still very angry over this entire A. Yes - the majority of it should be directed at my WS but I am still human and I want to lash out.

Him: WS, 51 LTA/EA/PA(he says 1 yr, evidence = 2 yrs)
Me: BS 52
OW: Caribbean whore, ugly
What I want: Profound, deep, passionate love.
What I got: Betrayal, heartache and Xanax.

Posts: 174 | Registered: Apr 2014
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Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 7:01 AM, June 25th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He might know already - you have no clue.

We all wanted revenge. What we found out is there really isn't any.

Imagine this: You email company owner. He ends relationship with OW. Big deal. She moves on and starts dating someone else. Are you any less hurt? Did your H cheat less? What exactly did you get from ending a dating relationship in another country?

It's frustrating as hell, but there is simply nothing that will make you feel better about your H having an A. If you want to lash out, your husband is right there, in your home. HE is the one that deserves your anger. HE is the one still carrying a torch for OW. HE is the problem.

Instead of looking for revenge, I suggest you start the 180. For your H to 'not know' if he wants to reconcile is painful. For you to continue to say you want to R is basically telling him his behaviors are fine. HE needs to want this. If he doesn't, you shouldn't be telling him otherwise.

Start the 180. Detach from this mess. Maybe your H wakes up, maybe he doesn't, but at least you're preparing yourself either way.


Her response? "I was a fool. I'm sorry. If you don't mind, can you tell me who the other woman was?"

Pleeeeeeeaaaaaaaaase tell me you said "Oh, just some dumb whore, much like yourself."

Bigger: OW IS a whore. Any BS is angry at the OP, and it's been discussed at length why. I have no clue what you meant by "If you call OW a whore, what do you call your H" as if we shouldn't think a woman that chases and screws a married man is a whore, but she IS a whore. And, as OP put it, so is he.

The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
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Member # 39139
Default  Posted: 7:21 AM, June 25th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

12years, very very gently--let this go. Do not give this woman any more of your time and energy. Focus on you and figuring out what you want and how you can get there. Her current boyfriend or whatever is NOT your concern. She's not either. The more energy you spend thinking about her is less energy you have for YOU.

Me: BS 46
Him: unimportant
D Day:4-27-13
DIVORCED!!! 2-20-14

Posts: 661 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Columbus
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Member # 43064
Default  Posted: 7:40 AM, June 25th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree I need to focus on myself and heal. I will head to the gym in a few. It is difficult though - this morning OW's friend who is also a friend of my WS sent a what's app text to him to see what is up. We both saw the text and WS apologized. He then went to run errands and I called him and asked if he would remove both what's app and the vonage app from his phone. He said he would.

He had IC last night and I think it has helped but these apps allow him to hang on. The IC told him to have NC with that entire group, which is what he needed to hear. He does not need to keep a female friend who is friends with OW. This female friend is married but technically separated. They are all dysfunctional, that entire group he has chosen to hang out with in the banana republic.

Thankfully he is not physically there but emotionally is just as bad if not worse.

My timeline of putting up with this is tightening. I will get stronger and I will decide the last day I put up with not having full commitment on R. The hammer will drop soon if I don't see 100%.

Him: WS, 51 LTA/EA/PA(he says 1 yr, evidence = 2 yrs)
Me: BS 52
OW: Caribbean whore, ugly
What I want: Profound, deep, passionate love.
What I got: Betrayal, heartache and Xanax.

Posts: 174 | Registered: Apr 2014
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Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, June 25th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Painful past: I never responded. That was my end of contact

I had a really good laugh about it though. Because it was that moment of her saying it that I realized how screwed up her entire thinking was.

“It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.” - Dumbledore

Posts: 872 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: California
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Member # 43689
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, June 25th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I spent 6 months back and forthing with OW (she and I had been good friends before the A), and it caused me nothing but more pain. She was foul, vindictive, cruel, and took huge enjoyment in hurting me as much as she could. She knew he was married, to her close friend, and didn't care.

Later, she turned on him, and starting telling me all the lies he was feeding me. Surprisingly, that was just as hurtful. But it did provide me with a LOT of closure I was desperately seeking.

I'm not against sending the letter, though I agree with the majority that she probably won't care. It will probably be very healing for you. But I would definitely not recommend any back and forth; nothing good comes of that.


Me - BS, Him - WS
Her - POS WB Fake Friend
Married - 22 Years, together 25
One 22 yo DD
DD - 4/28/13, TT for over a year
Doing well with R
"Life might be a little simpler if we just got over it"
"It all seems so clear in hindsight"

Posts: 121 | Registered: Jun 2014
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Member # 21183
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, June 25th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I wanted to respond to this comment you made:

Maybe if my WS was committed to me totally with R at the moment it would be easier for me to stop thinking of the OW. He is using the excuse of waiting for his IC meeting to figure out his direction. This is bull shit.

Your WH had his IC Session...
Did he figure out his DIRECTION for "reconciliation" with you?

It's good you talked to your own IC; and that you intend to continue therapy for yourself.

Personally: If my WH could not commit to me, and my marriage without a 3rd party "giving him directions about his commitment to our marriage and reconciliation"....He'd find his belongings in a black trash bags and he would not be living in my home!
I do agree with you it is all BS.

It's not you place to sit back and watch your WH pine after his affair OW.

Me BS 59
WH 58
Married 19 years
D-Day Nov 3, 2005
Child: Adopted Daughter 21 College Student now

I can understand being alone; but I hate being with someone and feeling lonely.

Posts: 6188 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
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Member # 43773
Default  Posted: 3:52 PM, June 25th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Delilah, that must have been really hard. Do you still keep in contact with her?

When I emailed OW#1, it was very much a one-sided desire. I had no interest in knowing her side, her feelings on it, her thoughts of me, etc. I saw in their emails that there was NO mention of me, at all. My husband didn't talk about me, except a few small things here or there - I just plain didn't exist to them. I just wanted to let her know that her fantasy world was truly completely fake. afterwards, I haven't had any interest in contacting her.

It would be so much harder if it was with a friend of mine though. That's like going through the betrayal twice over and wanting to understand not just how your spouse could do it but also your friend :(

“It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.” - Dumbledore

Posts: 872 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: California
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Default  Posted: 3:57 PM, June 25th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As soon as I got the name of the OW I sent some horrible Facebook messages to her and her husband.

This didn't make me feel better, actually she responded by giving me a bunch of BS about how she didn't want to wreck a 20 year relationship. Even though I read a message from her to my husband telling him he should never confess to me.

About a week later I went to the store, where she works, since it's the grocery store I always went to. But I didn't prepare myself to see her. I saw her in person and had my kids with me. I was so heated and simply wanted to knock her teeth out so her next BJ would be a gum-it.

At this point I realized I was in trouble, I needed some kind of resolution with her. So a few days later I sat down to do exactly what you are talking about, writing a calculated letter explaining how I felt. This nice to start letter became almost unreadable by myself as it was so awful. I actually had gone from kind pity to hatred and torment and back again. Anyway, it was an all day event. I wrote and deleted and re-wrote and deleted - I did this until I said everything I wanted to say. In the end I then decided not to give the OW anything as she wasn't worth my time or effort.

Through this process I found that I was shameful. It was a suprise to me since I always though of shame as something that comes from guilt as if I had to do something but I was wrong. I realized by all this writing and the things I said it became such a great outlet for me. I identified the reason why I was so angry seeing her was the fact that I was ashamed to be the wife of my husband. I realized it was that shame that gives me furry. I also saw the insight that I was not his wife I was just a woman who married this man many years ago. I got some real emotional separation between me and my husband from this process.

Today I have no desires to communicate with her. Of course, the desire to knock her teeth in have not subsided but I have realized to keep myself out of jail I need to stay away from that store. Some days I have more control than others and I really can't afford to problem my own life any more for her sorry a**.

Anything or anybody that does not bring you alive is too small for you -david whyte

Posts: 18 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: kima
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Default  Posted: 4:21 PM, June 25th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

12years. My grandmother had a sixth grade education. She was wise, however. She taught me early that you rarely get into trouble by keeping your thoughts to yourself. This might be one of those occasions.

Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
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Member # 41589
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, June 25th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Write the letter to put it all on paper.
Read it. Sleep on it. Rewrite it.
Erase/delete/destroy/do not send the letter.
Rinse/repeat as necessary.
It's good therapy for you but that's all.

I am sorry but your message will never come across to the other party... if you're lucky and your wayward spouse wants to, they might eventually get it.
Personally, I urge you to never involve the other person, in any way, ever again.

Me: BH (30s)
Wayflost: WW (30s)
"Ever notice those that advocate anything for 'happiness' are perennially unhappy?"
time isn't what you think it is.

Posts: 165 | Registered: Dec 2013
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Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 4:32 PM, June 25th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Noooooooooo! Please do not contact the OW to tell her how much she hurt you by having the affair.

She might take pleasure in this. She may be a sociopath or a psychopath or just a self absorbed twit who has no empathy and only puts herself first.

Obviously she did not even care about your husband. He's a twit too for pining over her.

Also don't contact the boss she is screwing. He won't care either.

Contact the bosses wife, contact the wives of her coworkers.

Do it all in one fell swoop so it's a shock and awe thing.

When you contact the people only tell the truth so it is not slander.

“If two people truly have feelings for one another then they don’t have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1516 | Registered: May 2014
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Member # 43064
Default  Posted: 9:04 PM, June 25th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I'm back again and I have considered all of the advice from everyone responding. I will not send the OW an email. At least not right now and maybe not ever.

I am still struggling with sending one to the company owner. He is a bit of a phony but he comes across as a moral man. (oxymoron I know) Since he is for the most part concerned with appearances I think it will bug him to know that he is involved with a home wrecker whore. Even a pig does not necessarily want to be seen with another pig, at least not in public. I think it will get to him.

She is after his money, he lives in a nice gated high end development and her ass is riding around in there. I want her out. She does not fit in very much anyway because there are mostly wealthy Europeans living in there which she is not. She is a local island whore.

He is divorced so he can do what he wants. I do think deep down he will not be happy with this news even if he already suspects. This will confirm it for him. He will be screwing yesterday's trash. I know what his former GF looked like and the island whore OW is like he is dating a drag queen while his ex GF was an "8".

Also, he knows me and I think he likes me even though I have not seen him recently. Of course he will not know it is coming from me as it will be done anonymously. I don't want or expect anything from him, I just want him to dump the whore, send her ass back to where she belongs.

Him: WS, 51 LTA/EA/PA(he says 1 yr, evidence = 2 yrs)
Me: BS 52
OW: Caribbean whore, ugly
What I want: Profound, deep, passionate love.
What I got: Betrayal, heartache and Xanax.

Posts: 174 | Registered: Apr 2014
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Member # 43834
Default  Posted: 5:19 AM, June 26th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh gosh no dont send an email to the OW she had no attachment to you, the betrayal is solely on your partner.
The best revenge is to show you have moved on and happy. (Although cringing and screaming inside)
But if you happen to walk past her in the street no holds barred go for it. Let out that frustration. Woosah.

Posts: 15 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Sydney
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