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User Topic: How to be a Christian During this?
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Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LostSamurai ~ Thank you for posting ... I have had similar struggles with my Faith and my D. Those who have responded ... thank you!

Me (BS): 43 Children: DD 19, DS 15
Divorced September 30, 2014
"It's always darkest before the dawn ..."

Posts: 2303 | Registered: Oct 2012
♂ Member
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Geez... I didn't expect so many responses. Thanks everyone. I just got back from working out. I been reading scriptures here and there and just trying to find that peace in my heart to know I did the right thing.

The books you all recommended, i will definitely look into getting. I am struggling because I want to know I did the right thing by God's standards. In the reality it is all, just like infidelity and sin, a choice.

A lot of my friends, family christian and non christian said I have every right to get a divorce.

But I fear the real problem is as I said before and as people stated, is me. This Codependency issue seems like a big one and as I was reading I could definitely tell that is me. I judge myself based on how others see me, and I don't say no a lot to family and friends in some cases.

In other words....if my wife admits her sin, rejects and repents from it, and goes about repairing the damage her sin has caused all it touches.....God does not insist on D.
Here is the thing. We are 8 months out, she has admitted, I guess rejected and repented but has not done the repairing. Yea, she said sorry, but she hasn't committed to coming back to the marriage.

I learned (and my pastor confirmed) that D is justified in cases of infidelity, and I am under no obligation to take her back (the pastor's words). I am however advised to not see anyone (even though after D is final it won't be a sin for me) for at least a year or more, both for my healing and to give God the opportunity to work in her heart in case she changes. I agree with this advice and I'm following it.

My father in law, who is my pastor says I have every right and was surprised I didn't right off the bat.

The hard part is accepting the affair is not about me, and the choice to have one has nothing to do with me at all. I get that, because somethings my IC has said and after reading some things.

I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1041 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
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Member # 31314
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't read all the responses but I too am having a hard time with this. I am fighting that D is the way for me because I KNOW that D is not what God wants. I fight because how can that be God's will for me? He ordained M as sacred and I feel like the worst hypocrite for that even being a consideration.

My mom has told me several times that an A is a justifies reason for D in His eyes and in the eyes of my religion. An I try to believe that but since WH only had EA (of which I am aware) there was no physical cheating and I'm back to square one thinking that it can't be what He wants.

I don't think I'm co-dependent and am fairly certain that I would be okay on my own (emotionally) but I just can't get past this. I keep praying "God, you really need to smack me upside to make your way clear".

Thank you for posting and the replies. It's nice to know I'm not the only one struggling with this.

I wish I could just stop I know another moment will break my heart too many tears too many time too many years I've cried over you

Posts: 365 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: IL
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Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know you are attached to your Church, but with the way things have gone for you, you need to find another assembly. Find another place to gather with like minded Christians so you can place your heart and soul in their care. Having your WW's father as your pastor and guide is not good for you, your healing or your loving soul. Use your talents freely and unencumbered in another place. You may feel the need for the familiar, but you need solace within a fellowship that meets you and you alone. Even in a church, the drama being played out in front of other parishioners has got to be divisive, even if you do not intend for that to happen. I would say your WW should leave, but her blood family is there as well as the OM. Go with God. He can be found in many places.

[This message edited by Lovedyoumore at 2:02 PM, June 24th (Tuesday)]

Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.

Posts: 1585 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, bless your heart
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Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 2:06 PM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My wife is not my enemy. This is a spiritual battle.

My wife's sin is like ALL hurts those choosing it first and foremost. it blocks relationship with God first. This is what satan destroy.

Then, once he hurts the person choosing it, weakens their bond to God.....his work seeps into others, hurting their flesh.

BS's are not the initial target, nor are the kids affected......or the other relationships the wayward has.

Sin isolates.

We are meant to fellowship, to be a part of a flock.

Wife and I had FOO that most definitely caused us to become isolated. The pain of our parents choices, culminating in D's programmed us to fear fellowship, to want to distance ourselves from the flock.....falsely believing we can do better on our own.

I'm still learning....but my spiritual growth has been key to my healing.

You are on my SI specific prayer list.

Your wife is not your enemy. Don't use her destructive actions as justifications for your own destructive choices.....use them to make healthy choices.

I wrestle with my own sexual sin.

When satan reminds me of my past, I remind him of his future.

As you turn away from your own long-standing sins expect MORSr trials.....not less. Get on a healthy flock and trust the Shepherd.

PM anytime.

God is with us all.

ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4041 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
♂ Member
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just to clarify OM is not part of our church otherwise I would murder him...not joking.

However he is a relative.

Now to get back on point.
God allows divorce, but he still hates it. Just like I am sure most of you love your WS but hate what they did.

Same thing. Love the sinner, hate the sin. However, we can't be in a marriage that also is allowing sin to run rampant. It is more harmful. It is hard, because I as a man, and called to be Christ Like.

That's a tall order. I have to be one all about the Father's business. I have to be blameless. Meaning I have to repent of my sins and be mindful of my thoughts and actions and be willing to die for my "Church/Wife".

I keep thinking of TWO stories related to Betrayal. Judas, who kissed him on the head and handed him over to be murdered and then hung himself.

Then there is Peter who said he would defend Jesus, but ended denying him three times. Jesus went after him.

However, not everyone accepted HIM, and not everyone is going to accept Me, including my WW. If she would return, I would be ecstatic and filled with joy.

If not, I too can do like the FATHER and hand the divorce papers. If SHE doesn't want to make things right.

But it is still not easy. Because the human side of us tells some of us to just run and leave. It's natural human instinct to run from pain. Then we had to go mess that up and add love into the mix and then we started following God's messages and living right but we let our human side get in the way of that.

I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1041 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To me, what I'm doing is wrong. Allowing, I mean by ignoring, my ws to continue his wrongdoings, is not right. I'm basically sitting back waiting for the crash and burn. I struggle with the fact that I've tried to discuss his continuing A but he still denies, so.I feel like I'm almost an accomplice. I feel like I should stop him from this path but I can't. I should file for D immediately but its not the right time, I need a little more, so its like I'm watching the noose get tighter around his neck but ignoring it. I don't know where I'm going with this but LS, you have tried everything humanly possible plus gotten counsel from your can't save her anymore than I can save mine. My ws knows right from wrong, he's choosing to go against what he knows is right. All we can do is pray for them and save ourselves or be pulled down in the muck with them.
Been with him over half my life
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank

Posts: 5242 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
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Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have to be blameless.

LS, this is not possible. Even tho we are called to be Imitators of Christ, we are human. There was only one perfect, blameless one and that was the Christ. We have received grace and mercy through His blood. We are all sinners and that is why God gave Him as a sacrifice for us in the first place..

I know God hates D and my first reaction was to give my M a chance to survive. But, as a previous poster has already pointed out God feels strongly about adulterers as well.

Marriage is honorable among all, and the bed undefiled; but fornicators and adulterers God will judge. (Hebrews 13:4 NKJV)

God knows how defiled we feel and I believe that is the reason He grants this exception to D. I don't believe He would ever insist on it in any case. God created marriage and He charged the husband to love his wife as God He loves his bride, the church. The wife was to respect her husband.

Marriages where adultery is involved is all kind of messed up and nowhere near what God intended for it to be.

BS - 58
SAWH - 61 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 38 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell

Posts: 778 | Registered: Apr 2013
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Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 3:52 PM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm at the office so I really can't read all the responses. I hope I'm not being redundant but being a Christian myself and thinking the same things, you do have options. Sexual immorality is the exception for divorce. Please do not feel terrible as you do have to take measures and there ARE consequences for his actions. In fact, you suffering and hurting is part of that by no making of your own. This being said, another option is to forgive and doing R. But that is completely up to you.

BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1417 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
♀ Member
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 4:34 PM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hear you crying out for peace about your decisions and making sure you take everything into heart. I hope you find your peace.

Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.

Posts: 1585 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, bless your heart
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Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 5:00 PM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great responses. Love this thread!

How about this verse?

Proverbs 12:4
A wife of noble character is her husband's crown, but a disgraceful wife is like decay in his bones.

I think the roles could be reversed there as well..

That's sad that my marriage was plagued by all four deadly A's.. Adultery, addiction, abuse, and now abandonment as well.. I hope God helps me pick better next time!

I was looking for the verse about the husband being led by God, and the wife being led by God and her husband. As a Christian, honestly I think you've given too much power to your wife. You should be following God, and you seem to be at the mercy of your wife, who actually reminds me of Delilah. Maybe it's just the CoD I'm seeing, which I can see so well because I have been one my whole life, even with my friends in high school, always trying to "fix" people. I must think pretty highly of myself that everyone is "beneath" me and I know how to help them.

I realize now only God can do that.. And a lot of people don't appreciate it when you spout unsolicited advice at them, which I used to find myself doing quite often..

The hard part is accepting the affair is not about me, and the choice to have one has nothing to do with me at all.

Being CoD means we have that rather embarrassing "me, me, me" trait where we think everything we say and do matters to everyone else. Like our words and actions are going to "change" people.

When people blew Jesus off, he reminded them that they have a choice, then moved on.

I spent WAY too much time and energy trying to tell my ex how *I* thought his life should be, how he should repent, how he should think, what he should do, what things he should value..

I still think I'm right, but I was wrong to try to take away his free will to make his own choices in life, not that I had the power to do that anyway..

But I finally realized it needed to be an ultimatum. Either he follows Christ and walks with me, or I stop dragging him and continue on the Christian path without him. And God WANTED me to detach from him and continue on my journey with Christ, but my "human" issues were preventing me from letting him go.

God probably wanted me to let go of my ex long before I did. As I said, I already had the other 3 deadly A's, so the fourth one, infidelity, was just the straw that broke the camel's back, and I filed for divorce within 2 months. I FINALLY gave up trying to "fix" all his problems and gave it to God.

I fear that Dante's Inferno is true, and my ex will be suffering in all 9 circles of hell, including the worst one, which is in the center, where people who commit betrayal suffer. That's where supposedly the Devil (who betrayed God) and Judas (who betrayed Jesus) are. Betrayal was considered the worst sin, and my ex committed it..

I'm going to agree with Lovedyoumore about your church. Perhaps these new books and doing some research on the internet will open you up to the possibility of finding God in more places. Perhaps God needs you somewhere else so that you can be of fellowship to other people.

One of the great things about support groups like DivorceCare is that you don't only receive fellowship, you give it as well, and helping other people is FANTASTIC for your healing.

I don't love SI just because of what it does for me. I love it so much because it ALSO gives me a chance to pay it forward, just as Jesus would want us to do.

xBW~ 35
Two DS~ 7-Eleven
"I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know." ~ asurvivor

Posts: 2687 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
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