Last weekend we all spent time at the beach house. My BIL also joined our family. He has gotten into fly fishing and my BW is starting to enjoy it as well. For various reasons, I have not taken up the hobby as of yet. BIL and BW went off to do some fishing for an hour or two but ended up being gone for about 4 hours. I hung out on the beach with a book and some 60 minute IPA.
When they got back, BW kissed me and asked if I was OK. I told her "Of course I am, why shouldn't I be?"
She responded that in the past I would get angry and sulky if she left me alone like that, and I realized she was exactly right.
And suddenly it hit me - I would get mad because I hated spending that time alone with just me for company. A combination of boredom and self loathing would spark anger at her and make me feel I "deserved" someone who would fawn over me.
I have started to feel OK about myself - even like myself a bit. I hate my wayward behavior and I guard against that kind of thinking, but the basis of any healing is that I NEED to feel OK in my own skin.
Self loathing was not only a result of D-Day, it was a big reason the affairs happened.
Self-respect is not a luxury, it is a necessity.