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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: The End
bravestarr
♂ New Member
Member # 43854
Helpless  Posted: 9:26 AM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It seems that no matter where you are from, things like this seem to be so similar...

I read through the forums and thought i would share my current situation.

Married for 5.5 years, still fairly young i think , and 2 years ago it starts with me finding serious flirting going on on her phone with some new guy at work

Questioned her, she said her friends gave her details out, i was upset and i drifted a bit, this was in December.

Been suspicious ever since, and a day after my bday in April, i decided to ask her for her password, locked the gate and pretended to be her talking to ANOTHER guy on her phone.

got all the information i needed, called her folks, asked her to be honest and open, and she apparently was....

Until i found out during the week that while waiting for me to fetch her from work, she was with this guy.

Hasnt been the same ever since, last year November i wanted to split then had a family meeting with my mum involved as well, decided to try one more time.

i suffered so much that i had become a different person entirely, and sunday i found that she had gone through my phone but instead of asking me what and who and how (thats my policy), stored the number on her phone and tried to contact this girl. the only reason i had her on my phone was to block her and it was assumed that i was up to something.


Today i am on the brink of divorce, her folks are coming tomorrow, its her BIRTHDAY today, and she is pleading with me not to do this. i am fed up, i am tired, i am destroyed emotionally but i want to stand my ground and get this divorce moving. the problem as i see with many posts is that some of us are so compassionate that we overlook ourselves to the point of not knowing who we are anymore.

As much as i want to get back into this, its only feeding the gremlin in her that knows it can manipulate me in every way possible to get me to stay yet i know in a few months something will come up again like it has been doing for the last 3 years.

Just thought i would share my issue here, sometimes you cannot back down from your decision no matter how much it hurts, i am trying my best to hold it together...

In spite of everything that happened,i still plan to leave the office, and get her a bunch of flowers and a nice perfume cos it is her birthday after all, and even if this one gesture can show her that even though im hurting, i am still sticking to my guns, i know who i need to be again and she has lost the one person who picked her up from the very bottom of the pits of suffering and brought her back to life, reunited her with her family and tried to hold the bond together as long as i could.

I say, no matter how much you know or think you over someone, if you can't love yourself or make yourself happy, how can you possibly hope to make anybody else happy? The victims are made to suffer through the anguish of a terrible destroyer called divorce, but when you actually think of it, you are giving yourself the opportunity to find yourself again, so be a little selfish, take YOURSELF into account for a change and live the way life intended, not the way that your spouse dictated and moulded causing you to fall into a deep dark cave of insanity, depression, insecurity and low self esteem.

I am 31 years old and I let SOMEONE ELSE shatter my goals and dreams cos I LET HER. Never again.

So now i will wait for your responses as i realize as i type all this, that i may seem like i have it all together and i am bein positive, but i am also fighting the need to either stay in this marriage and commit suicide eventually, or bear the near heart failure pain of initiating an action that changes both our lives forever....

Thanks for reading and good luck to everyone who is thinking of going this route. i hope to follow through with this without faltering, without giving into the guilt trips that are so easily created to further my pain of leaving when i was the one that was hurt in the first place... Be a victim then made to be felt guilty? Enough is enough i say...


Posts: 11 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: South Africa
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Enough is enough, indeed. Welcome to SI, bravestarr. I'm so sorry you have reason to be here, but glad you found us.

The victims are made to suffer through the anguish of a terrible destroyer called divorce, but when you actually think of it, you are giving yourself the opportunity to find yourself again, so be a little selfish, take YOURSELF into account for a change and live the way life intended, not the way that your spouse dictated and moulded causing you to fall into a deep dark cave of insanity, depression, insecurity and low self esteem.
In my book, divorce was the difficult but necessary path to recovering from the true destroyers - betrayal, lies, deceit, disrespect, and soul crushing hurt.

It sounds like you have your path chosen. We're here for you to help you on your way. Keep reading. Keep posting. We've got you. ((((hugs))))


You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana


Posts: 25765 | Registered: Aug 2011
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome to SI, bravestarr.

There are a lot of scary thoughts and emotions that come along with infidelity. I'm glad you found us, because you are not alone in this.

Sometimes we post how we want to feel, and sometimes we post our most raw pain. Remember that you don't have to have it all together right this second. This is a journey, and it's really really hard in the beginning. Try to stay strong, and don't beat yourself up when you need to let it go and cry.

Keep posting - we're here for you.


Cherish those who seek the truth but beware of those who find it. - François-Marie Arouet

Posts: 17859 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That is a lot to deal with all at once, bravestarr. Just wanted to welcome you here and send some additional strength your way.

Take care and good luck moving forward.

You'll come out the other side of this stronger than ever.


Posts: 7555 | Registered: Dec 2010
MovingUpward
♂ Guide
Member # 14866
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i wanted to split then had a family meeting with my mum involved as well, decided to try one more time.

When you did this were there checkpoints laid out on things your wayward needed to do. For trying again if there isn't a list of things that need to be tried can be quite unproductive.

the problem as i see with many posts is that some of us are so compassionate that we overlook ourselves to the point of not knowing who we are anymore.

This is so true. We don't know what is truth or lie from our spouse. We start to question others trustworthiness too. And when we look up at the possible journeys that lie ahead none of the routes looks easy. But we have to work and heal enough to take a stand on our journey. The destination could either be R or D, but it will require strength to move.

i am also fighting the need to either stay in this marriage and commit suicide eventually, or bear the near heart failure pain of initiating an action that changes both our lives forever....

Your life can be much better and suicide doesn't need to be an option. I suffered through 2 years of trying to reconcile but with failure. I have since suffered through a year and a half divorce. But I've healed and I am enjoying life. Just don't rule out your 1st or 3rd option there. If you work on your healing you will find joy.


AKA Moo

Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; they’ll scratch you up time and time again but in the end you’re polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.


Posts: 52680 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Big Blue Nation
minniegal
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Member # 43848
Default  Posted: 1:07 PM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The future is unknown and scary. I was having daily panic attacks - and then something changed. Not sure what it was. Maybe knowing I was on the right path? No even knowing where it was headed but it felt more right than staying in a hellish existence with a cheating husband. I don't know...but it does get better. Very slowly but it does.


Me (BW) 43
Him (WH) 43
Two great boys - 16 and 13
April 1st - the coward told my friend he was "unhappy"
April 12 - I discovered the truth
Separated and on the way to divorce

Posts: 110 | Registered: Jun 2014
bravestarr
♂ New Member
Member # 43854
Default  Posted: 3:56 AM, June 25th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for all the responses, it really is amazing to see the type of support you can get even on the internet!

Just an update, i got her a nice expensive perfume and a box of chocolates yday, when i got home she was asleep, her cuz told me she had a headache. I placed the gifts carefully by her pillow for when she woke up. well she didn't see it,she walked around the place like she was lost, took some meds for her head, then refused to eat. we eventually got her to eat, then she called me in the room and just cried, i had to stand my ground, asked her if there was anything she needed to ask or say and she didn't so i went back to the lounge.

This evening her folks are coming through, i am not anticipating any anger towards me considering they know everything that had happened. Just formulating what i am going to say. I think the best thing is not to point a finger at her, but rather just describe how the events changed us as a couple and how we drifted so far apart to the point of us having to be strangers living in the same house.

Only possible (yet seemingly insignificant) thing to discuss is whether they will ask for maintenance, or how we would split the debt. Aside from my car, there are no real assets in this and no kids as well so i don't see an issue unless the parents got petty about it.

When her brother got divorced a few weeks ago, the ex had to give all the jewellery back and gifts at the wedding and he did the same, so if that goes down as well, it's ok, material items i will replace.

Maintaining a cool and collected mind has never been such a task for me before, just need to get through tonight then i can relax a bit!!


Posts: 11 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: South Africa
bravestarr
♂ New Member
Member # 43854
Default  Posted: 4:43 AM, June 25th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When you did this were there checkpoints laid out on things your wayward needed to do. For trying again if there isn't a list of things that need to be tried can be quite unproductive.

We made a list of all things we liked and didnt like about the marriage and ourselves. When i took her for counselling, i did all the talking and she said nothing. the only time she really jumped is when she was threatened with divorce. I had one major thing to overcome and that was the cheating. i forgave and tried to push forward, but she never changed her ways.


Posts: 11 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: South Africa
bravestarr
♂ New Member
Member # 43854
Default  Posted: 6:11 PM, June 25th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So its now 1:05am where i am....

Tonight went through better than i anticipated. All the self doubt vanished as i stood up to her dad who made endless attempts to get me to reconsider but i maintained my balance. What irritated me is the fact that she told her folks "Thats what he wants so leave it alone" when her dad was begging me to give his daughter another chance.

No1 usually stands up to my FIL cos he makes perfect sense most of the time, a good reason for us to get along so well. My MIL was like "we just brought our son home now our daughter too?"

I felt like the worst scum of the earth but i put my nerves in a bubble and stood my ground. This may sound like i have an ego but man was i proud of myself for standing up for MY life against all odds.

Gave it a break for tonight and tomorrow i will discuss how we will split the stuff around our place. With all my debt i will probably have to move out too but i have my cuz to stay with and i can maybe use the time to pay her rent and try to get rid of my debt until i can move on my own again.

A small victory for me tonight, i feel like i stabbed my in laws in the chest and i feel like a murderer but a little victory and a good start to making it clear of my intentions....


Posts: 11 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: South Africa
Sleepingbeauty
♀ Member
Member # 43792
Default  Posted: 6:38 PM, June 25th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bravestrr I am sorry you're here. You and I have a lot of similarities but I can't believe her family. Iamsuremy stbxh family would do the same thing. It's so hard to give up on a marriage no matter how long it is. I have filed because I can only free myself from the nightmare he has caused me.

I see you go to counseling and I hope it is helping you. I also go to Al-anon as it dawned on me a ws acts like an addict. I do the daily reading from a couple of the books and they seem to help me.

I didn't realize how much of myself I had given up to make my marriage work and now I am regaining myself and each day I hope to get better.

I hope youalsoregain yourself.


Posts: 330 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: East coast
bravestarr
♂ New Member
Member # 43854
Default  Posted: 7:13 PM, June 25th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I see you go to counseling and I hope it is helping you. I also go to Al-anon as it dawned on me a ws acts like an addict. I do the daily reading from a couple of the books and they seem to help me.

I didn't realize how much of myself I had given up to make my marriage work and now I am regaining myself and each day I hope to get better.

I hope youalsoregain yourself.

Don't feel that way, i don't even know who i am anymore but this little meeting has led me to realize that i can survive this.

All we need to do is keep our faith in ourselves and push forward to getting what we deserve.

It is still a long road ahead but i plan to stick through it, i am trying to build that confidence in me to be more assertive and focus on ME.

Time to let to and do what is in OUR best interest....


Posts: 11 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: South Africa
bravestarr
♂ New Member
Member # 43854
Default  Posted: 7:13 PM, June 25th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I see you go to counseling and I hope it is helping you. I also go to Al-anon as it dawned on me a ws acts like an addict. I do the daily reading from a couple of the books and they seem to help me.

I didn't realize how much of myself I had given up to make my marriage work and now I am regaining myself and each day I hope to get better.

I hope youalsoregain yourself.

Don't feel that way, i don't even know who i am anymore but this little meeting has led me to realize that i can survive this.

All we need to do is keep our faith in ourselves and push forward to getting what we deserve.

It is still a long road ahead but i plan to stick through it, i am trying to build that confidence in me to be more assertive and focus on ME.

Time to let go and do what is in OUR best interest....


Posts: 11 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: South Africa
bravestarr
♂ New Member
Member # 43854
Shutup  Posted: 8:50 AM, June 26th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So here is an interesting turn of events, and even though i want to flip my lid and tell my MIL what i think of her now, i will maintain my calm

She called my cuz today and told her a bunch of BS about the past, stuff that happened but not in the way she said, tries to turn it around saying they did so much for us, I am stubborn and i want to leave her daughter cos she was "TALKING" to someone! She thinks my cuz doesnt know what really happened ahahahahahaha but my cuz turned the whole thing around in a nice way. The mother looks like she wants to cause trouble here saying everything in the kitchen is hers and so many things they helped with in the house blah blah blah... My soon to be ex came in with the washing machine, the microwave and the couches, EVERYTHING else is mine in that place lol.

i am in no way attached to anything in that place, hell the more she takes the better for me, less remembrance and i will probably replace it anyways :)

What would shut the mother up though will be when i question her about all the gifts and jewellery her daughter received from me (took me 3 years to pay off) then she will keep her trap shut.

I think the parents are trying their best to turn this on me to say that i am the problem here but i smile on today knowing that if they want to run around like headless chickens accusing me, then go ahead! I will walk away knowing that i made the best move for me and their daughter and i will be the better person in all this!!!

I really anticipate the mother causing crap, i just was hoping that she could act in a civilized manner for once in her life, but instead she shows what breed of animal she is, a breed which i feel has been taught to her kids cos they are just as bad.

Still plan to go home tonight, sit the soon to be ex wife down, and i will ASK her what she would like in the house, and if she goes overboard, i will play my debt card but let her take what she wants. Fighting over material things? To hell with it, i rather live in an empty apartment but still have my place filled with PEACE OF MIND


Posts: 11 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: South Africa
bravestarr
♂ New Member
Member # 43854
Default  Posted: 8:31 AM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The final breaking point for me:

So all the stuff in the house to be split has been discussed, options given to her and waiting for feedback on the balance of a few items.

I have felt pretty confident and settled in my mind about all this since I had initiated all this last week. I agreed to let her stay on for this week and maybe next until she finds transport from her parents place to work and back.

I even suggested a site for her to post on....

So I decided to go onto that website today to look for possible lifts offered for her and boom this was the first time i ever broke down, and at the last place i wanted to do this, at work

I saw that she had registered and posted up and that hit me like a huge fist to my nose. i had to run out the office so that nobody could see me break down like this, no1 here has ever seen me upset or angry ever, i maintain a calm pleasant personality at work, one of my colleagues saw and raced after me to see how i was doing.

I come from a family where we are all close and we look after each other, it felt so crap to see that post on there cos i am responsible for it. i know i shouldn't feel guilty, i even offered to sell my car and buy 2 small ones if she went to get her license but that never happened. Now she has to suffer to find a way to work and back when if things were sorted and she caught a damn wake up, she would be still at my place spending around 5 in traffic as opposed to an hour or more to work and more than that back to her folks.

Even though I am 200% certain about this divorce, i can't help but feel like a murderer and a betrayer for doing this to her and it finally hit me today when i saw it.


Posts: 11 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: South Africa
bravestarr
♂ New Member
Member # 43854
Default  Posted: 5:15 AM, August 14th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey

It's been a while since my last post, and so much has happened since then...

She moved out, all the documents were finalized with the stuff that we were splitting. It was such an emotional day for everyone, i decided to stay at my place while her stuff was taken away, her mum, dad, bro and cuz came to help.

I still greeted the parents and her properly when she left, we all shed some tears on this but i immediately felt relieved when they all left. She still continued to ask me to change my mind but it didn't happen.

So last week Friday was the main thing, we went to court, filled in papers, served her summons and done. She doesn't have to be involved in the balance of this so i will go to court to get the docs when i get my court date.

Mum stayed for a bit by me, she felt she needed to be with me so i let her, she left last night back home so i am once again alone at my place.

If there is anything that i have learnt through this ordeal, it's that when going through something like this, we need to ensure that we have an appropriate mindset. I was fearful that i would crumble once this was done, but i actually feel kinda "new". The trick for me is to only think of the positive, no negativity must be allowed to enter your mind, and if it does you need to rationalize it and understand why it is there. Simply blocking things out solves nothing!!

So i am now basically semi-officially single, and i gotta admit i feel like a brand new person. I will admit that i do miss her to an extent, and i have not stopped contact with her. We were together for so long and we got married nicely, we had some nice times and the divorce process went through nicely as well, there is no reason why we cannot be adult about this?

For those who are not in the same trail of thought as I am, just do yourself a favour and spend some time with yourself....

Why am i doing this?
How much do i love myself?
Do i need to feel this way if i am moving forward with a positive future plan?
and the main question..

AM I SURE THAT I WANT TO DO THIS....

If you can answer those questions honestly to yourself, then you are well on your way to resolving your issues, be it leaving the marriage or reconciling with your SO.

If you are scared that you will perish with loneliness, fear not cos you WONT. Your perception of loneliness all depends on your outlook on life as an individual. Do you really need someone(anyone) just to be happy? If your answer is yes, then you need to be real with yourself and come to grips with the fact that everyone is their own individual, and the only person responsible for you is YOU.

I don't mean to preach cos my seperation/divorce seemed like the easiest split in the world cos it wasnt, but i just wanted to share my thoughts on this whole splitting up and moving on procedure.

No therapist/counsellor in the world will be able to help you if you do not alter your mindset to always look for the best in YOU. After all, if you cant be at peace with yourself, then how can you hope to one day start something new with another?

Its been a short while for me sure, but i have realized that so much of things that i did previously with my own mind was taken over by someone else, i became oblivious to MYSELF and now that i am on my own i can begin to rebuild my mind and be stronger and more knowledgeable with the lessons i have learnt from all this.

Just hang in there and be strong, even though it may seem like its the end of the world for some, I am telling you that there is SO MUCH more waiting for all of us out there, all is waiting for us to go and get it so dont be fearful, be fearless cos now you are UNSTOPPABLE and you are in control of YOUR LIFE without any influences!!!

Lecture over


Posts: 11 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: South Africa
ChangeMaker
♂ Member
Member # 43899
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, August 14th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Bravestarr,

I'm forging ahead on my split (from common-law STBXWW)too.

Some people think I'm bulldozing my way ahead having no further feelings for her at all, but this is not true. Like you, I have days where I feel bad for her, and some days I feel like I should offer her help and support.

BUT I am sure about splitting up. The agreement is with my lawyer now, to be sent to her lawyer and her for review and hopefully we'll be done.

Every day I feel better. Every day I have more hope for the future. I am now imagining myself in my new house with my beautiful girls. Every time I see STBXWW, I feel a little more sure.


"Everything works if you let it." - Travis W. Redfish

DDay - June 7, 2014
Me - 43
WW - 41
DD - 6 and 3
Pulling the Plug


Posts: 358 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Ontario
FaithFool
♀ Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, August 14th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You have a great attitude.


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17549 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
bravestarr
♂ New Member
Member # 43854
Default  Posted: 2:01 AM, August 15th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Some people think I'm bulldozing my way ahead having no further feelings for her at all, but this is not true. Like you, I have days where I feel bad for her, and some days I feel like I should offer her help and support.

I am glad that you see the positive in all this!!
I know exactly what you mean when you say you want to offer help and support. When we have an abundance of compassion, we sometimes find ourselves getting exploited.

I also feel bad as she had everything with me, nothing was short and even though she made all the mistakes and is gone, I still feel hurt that she went through all this, BUT I will not let it get to me to the point where I would take her back, that would be a pity run which I have gone through before.


Posts: 11 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: South Africa
bravestarr
♂ New Member
Member # 43854
Default  Posted: 2:05 AM, August 15th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You have a great attitude.

Thanks! It comes from starting to use my mind the way it was intended to be used and not let emotion overpower rational thinking.

I started reading "The fall of the human intellect" last night, so far it seems to be a very clear minded view of people and how they allow emotion to cloud every part of their lives because they don't know how to control themselves.

I can't wait to read further!!

Bear in mind that should you read it, everyone will have different opinions of it, but for me so far I am beginning to understand the message that the author is trying to pass on....


Posts: 11 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: South Africa
Topic Posts: 19

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