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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: One week
9374ABC
♂ New Member
Member # 43856
Default  Posted: 6:41 PM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dyokemm- thanks for your comments. After reading what you said and thinking more about the situation, you are right. I am acting based on fear of losing my M. Thanks for helping me see that

Posts: 12 | Registered: Jun 2014
Badhurt
♂ Member
Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 6:53 PM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dyokemm and Craig gave you good advice. You do not talk about your future when you confront her. You tell her there may not be a future if she is not truthful with you and be prepared for a very defensive reaction. If possible do not reveal all your proof at once. When she initially lies, and she will, give her a taste of what you have
You will not nice her back and I am glad you posted that you realize that. You cannot win if you are scared shitless of her

Posts: 1097 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
RealityBlows
♂ New Member
Member # 41108
Default  Posted: 8:37 PM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great advice to you so far. I wanted to touch on something you mentioned earlier that is very important:
I can't understand why, but last weekend, even having learned of the affair just a few days earlier, we had a fun weekend together. I can honestly say I enjoyed being with her even knowing what was going on. That maybe drives me more crazy than anything else

Your mind is mourning a perceived/actual loss. You may find yourself wanting for her-terribly, at times. There are a lot of psychological reasons for this and it results in something called "Hysterical Bonding (HB)". You will hear this term often and can learn more about it in the healing library. It's not necessarily a bad thing but-if unchecked, can affect judgement and could lead to begging, clingy-ness, whining, and basically putting yourself in a compromising, undignified and ultimately unattractive position. Show extreme heart break-as you should. Tell her you still deeply love her-as you always have, but assure her that YOU WILL NOT hesitate to protect yourself from further harm and abuse. It is amazing the effect this attitude has on the WS. Many grow to love, appreciate and respect their BS more than before the affair. It's been said, "If you want to keep her, you must be willing to lose her."

There has been some great advise here on how to confront. Not showing all your cards is important. Just give her the bits of information you need to get her talking. Let her do all the talking. Give her a chance to be forthcoming. MAKE HER FEEL SAFE TO TELL THE TRUTH. This will take tremendous control because as the truth comes in you will become quite emotional. Tell her if she is interested in reconciling you will need to know EVERYTHING.

In my case I was compelled to confront ASAP. As soon as I had sufficient evidence. I felt I needed to do this for damage control. I felt the longer I waited the more invested in the relationship they would become. My behavior was already very much affected, I became cold and I didn't want to drive her further into the AP's arms. On confrontation day you will need to lay down the law (Absolute NC, total transparency, full disclosure, etc.) It's all in the healing library.

Stick with this site. It has helped me far more than the IC/MC sessions I have received. In some cases I feel the input I got here is way ahead of what we got in session.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 8:42 PM, June 24th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 38 | Registered: Oct 2013
Gotmegood
♀ Member
Member # 41407
Default  Posted: 10:55 PM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ABC- Unless your WW runs out of the room, I can't quite envision a confrontation with a philandering spouse turning into a "quick talk". Craig and Dyoke, in my opinion, gave good advise. Show SOME of your cards. Make her talk, you listen. Do not divulge your sources. As I said before, reconsider ratting out the OM to his wife, whether or not you think he may be in an open marriage. His wife may not know she is in an open marriage...think about that. Remember, you are after truth. All deception, sneakiness and lies have to end. Again, good luck.


Me: faithful wife 62.
Him: WH 64 , prostitute 20 yr old
DDay: 8-13-2013
Status: boinging up and down like a yo-yo

Posts: 465 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Florida
ZedLeppelin
♂ Member
Member # 40895
Default  Posted: 2:13 AM, June 25th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry for your pain. However!!! Although it may not seem like it, you are in strong position whilst your wife continues to roam around in fantasy land thinking she has the upper hand.

1. You know your wife has a boyfriend.
2. You know who that person is.
3. You have not confronted her yet.
4. You have proof.

What makes this difficult period slightly better for you is that her boyfriend is her boss. I despise the whole suing culture, but this gives you leverage. Depending on the size of the company and the position of the OM, the threat of a lawsuit would have to be taken very seriously in today's economic environment (again, depending on the company). I know of a few cases where the OM had to be sacked because the board simply did not want the hassle of having to deal with his personal problems. In one case the BH was also paid off in return for not publicly exposing the company for employing the OM (public perception in a relatively small area is very important).

For the above, go see a lawyer and see what your options are. ****DO NOT THREATEN THE COMPANY ON YOUR OWN**** Lawyer first!

However, that still doesn't solve your wife. The harsh reality is that your wife has chosen to be in a relationship with another man. Reconciliation should only be attempted if both are 100% committed to it. If this were me, this is how i would do it:

1. Get tested for STDs and look after yourself. Go to IC if you need to. There is no shame in this.
2. Continue playing 'dumb husband'
3. Lawyer up!
4. File for divorce. (Divorce is a process, it is not an event - you can always cancel it later if there is enough remorse).
5. Do not confront her. When she is served she will know you mean business.
6. Expose her to her parents and tell her to stay with them for now. Begin 180.
7. If you and your lawyer have agreed on a plan for the OM/company, put it in motion. The OM's wife deserves to know.
8. Sit back, relax and get try to get better.
9. If your wife has shown enough remorse, then begin mapping out a plan for reconciliation on YOUR terms.

However you are also left with a dilemma. If you already plan on divorcing her it is very likely that she will lose her job which could affect alimony etc. Then exposing her at work, may not be the best idea.


Posts: 176 | Registered: Oct 2013
jb3199
♂ Member
Member # 27673
Default  Posted: 5:50 AM, June 25th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

9374,

As crushed and confused as you are at the moment, things are going to want to spin out of control when you confront your wife. While what I am proposing to you is MUCH easier said than done, it can save you much hardship down the road.

The bottom line is that you can not control your wife. But you can control your actions---and this is crucial.

You need to be in control. You need to be as cool, calm, and collected as you possibly can. You need to put your fears aside(I know, this is the hardest part) when you confront. I am a huge fan of initial shock and awe...and it can be done without the appearance of losing control.

First step--see a lawyer, and learn your rights.

Second step--confront your wife. Like craig2001 and others suggested, in a calm conversation. While you may tell her that you would like to possibly work through this, you must also let her know that you are willing to walk away if she is non-committal to reconciliation.

Third step--inform the other man's wife...virtually simultaneous with confronting your wife. There are two reasons for doing this--(1) it is the right thing to do. She may very well be wondering why her marriage is falling apart. And while you may be the bearer of bad news, you are not the cause of this. THE OTHER MAN INSERTED HIMSELF INTO YOUR MARRIAGE--WITHOUT YOUR CONSENT. The other reason is (2) that exposure helps kill an affair. Affairs thrive in secrecy, and the more light that is exposed on them, the less attractive they appear.

You need to take these steps from an appearance of strength, even if it is eating you up inside. You can ask any member here--a wayward mindset sees heartbreak, weakness and pain as unattractive. Strength is what will have the most effect---I guarantee it.

As much as you want to save your marriage, understand that divorce is NOT the worst option. Living with an actively cheating spouse is. Being a backup plan is. Being looked at with disrespect and pity is.

And I am sorry to say this, but right now, that is how she views you. She needed to do this in her own mind to justify her unacceptable behavior. It is the literal icing to the cake---we are demonized to enable their behavior.

But it is also fantasy-based. It is untrue. And you need to show her that.

Be strong. Be decisive. It is the best chance of saving your marriage. And even if your marriage does not make it, the strength that you practicing, will help your healing towards the future.

You can do this.


BH-46
WW-44
2 boys-17 & 20(special needs)
Married 21yrs.(together 27yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D


Posts: 2052 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
Alonelyagain
♂ Member
Member # 32820
Default  Posted: 6:44 AM, June 25th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As much as you want to save your marriage, understand that divorce is NOT the worst option. Living with an actively cheating spouse is. Being a backup plan is. Being looked at with disrespect and pity is.

And I am sorry to say this, but right now, that is how she views you. She needed to do this in her own mind to justify her unacceptable behavior. It is the literal icing to the cake---we are demonized to enable their behavior.

9374ABC: This phase, which you will encounter after confrontation, is the most bewildering and aggravating to BS's. It's called the fog. The WS has rewritten their entire marital history in their mind in order to internally justify their A . Your response will likely be WTF, that's not how I remember it. Be forewarned, logical rebuttals will not work on a WS. However, disclosure to OM's wife and your WW being dropped by OM will likely pull your WW out of the fog. Good luck and try to stay calm.


Posts: 112 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: New Jersey
sportsfan
♂ Member
Member # 9918
Default  Posted: 8:29 AM, June 25th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

9374 - you began a thread here in JFO yesterday asking about should / how / when to confront but almost immediately started another thread in Recon a about “taking first steps toward recovery”. Did you already confront?

Even if you did confront IMHO you might want to consider remaining in JFO for a while.


Posts: 1950 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From: PA
9374ABC
♂ New Member
Member # 43856
Default  Posted: 4:51 PM, June 26th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sportsfan- no have not confronted yet. Will do that this weekend after consulting an attorney tomorrow. I posted in Recovery forum just because that seemed like the logical place to get an answer to some questions on my mind.

Appreciate everyone's advice. This site has been a tremendous help.


Posts: 12 | Registered: Jun 2014
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 4:59 PM, June 26th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just wanted to post in the 'tell OM's wife' camp. Keeping his secret is enabling the A to continue. If you're the only one that knows, it's easy to hide. Most A's end when both BSs are aware.

Also, if your marriage is to have any real shot, she needs to find a new job, or at least transfer in her existing company. The two of them cannot continue to work together. They just can't. It leaves the door wide open to continuing the A right under your nose. You will never feel safe with her working with him all day, every day. I don't care how career oriented she is - the decision needs to be made - her marriage or her job.

Also - on telling OBS, if she had been the one to discover this A, would you want her to tell you, or would you prefer not to know? Almost always, the BS says they want to know, even though it's so painful. So, if you would want to know, please don't assume she doesn't, or that they have an open marriage. You know the odds of that are quite low. You deserved the truth. So does OBS. Please keep that in mind.


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1893 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
Schadenfreude
♂ Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 5:11 PM, June 26th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A couple of other tips.

First, the confrontation isn't about you offering R to her because you still love her, etc. You can tell her you are willing to consider
working on the marriage IF SHE IS and does the following: (List of Your Must Haves)

Second, DO NOT engage her in a why did this A happen debate as you'll probably learn her revisionist marital history which IS NOT THE ISSUE for this meeting. Getting her to tell you about the A while she is still in shock is on the agenda, however. No doubt she'll want to "discuss" that with you to blame shift. Don't enable her. The issue is what happened, not why; and here are my demands if you want me to consider R with you......can you agree to these or not.....

Third, DO NOT tell her you will tell AP's BW, She'll contact AP and they'll concoct a story that you're crazy and accuse lots of others of having A with wife, etc., to make AP's BW question whether you're telling the truth. Don't even discuss AP's BW now.


Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
9374ABC
♂ New Member
Member # 43856
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, June 28th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had the confrontation last night, and it went better than I could have possibly imagined. My WS was extremely remorseful and told me everything. She took full responsibility for the affair and put none of the blame on me. She immediately offered marriage counseling and individual therapy for herself. We obviously have a long way to go in our relationship, and there will still be a lot of trust issues that we will have to work through. I'm not naive, and I understand that her actions, not words, will be the true measure of her commitment to reconciliation, but I am hopeful for the future. After nearly two weeks, I finally was able to sleep. I had no idea how much it would help getting it all out in the open.

I can't express enough how grateful I am to everyone here for their support and advice. Thank you sincerely.


Posts: 12 | Registered: Jun 2014
nuance
♂ Member
Member # 28793
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, June 28th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Will she quit her job?


Dday May 2000. R'ed.
People suck.

Posts: 1206 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: California
Schadenfreude
♂ Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, June 28th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Done properly it works. You did it properly. Of
Course it helps to have a remorseful spouse.

She's got a lot
Of self examination to do and much explaining and apologizing to you.

Glad you said actions over words.

Can NC begin now?

Do you tell OBS?


Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
9374ABC
♂ New Member
Member # 43856
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, June 28th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, I have not told spouse of OM, but WS did offer to quit her job on Monday before I even brought it up.

Posts: 12 | Registered: Jun 2014
Uhtred
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Member # 40392
Default  Posted: 6:51 PM, June 28th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You've been through quite a bit here friend. Good for you for confronting her. Did she agree to no contact? Has she written a letter approved by you or made a phone call in your presence? These steps need to be taken. I really hope that you inform the wife of the boss for many reasons. Having 2 pairs of eyes on the situation will help in case the affair goes underground which is a huge possibility. She deserves to be informed about the present state of her marriage and any future plans she may be making with an undeserving partner. It's a lot to take in but you need to strike while the iron is hot. I wish you the best of luck and hope that reconciliation goes well.


Me: BH 32years old DDay 4-29-13
Her: WW 33 years old
“Yet each man kills the thing he loves
By each let this be heard
Some do it with a bitter look
Some with a flattering word
The coward does it with a kiss
The brave man with a sword”

Posts: 602 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Houston, Texas
Jduff
♂ Member
Member # 41988
Default  Posted: 7:04 PM, June 28th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, this is at least hopeful considering the quick turn around of the situation. Make sure you BOTH do that NC letter/e-mail. Make sure his spouse knows and that you have full transparency from her on phones, computers, accounts. Doing both will help police the NC. She lost her privacy but you lost your trust in her. Just know that it can take 2-5 yrs to work this through. The roller coaster still ain't over yet as you will have triggers, questions, and mind movies to work through. I still suggest getting your ducks in a row to show that you expect nothing less than her full effort in earning that R. It is a gift.
You can still communicate and go to counseling together but she needs to understand the marriage has changed and you both will change from this experience. She not only has to fix her broken but also help you heal.

First task for her is to write a timeline of her A for you. Hopefully this will help her for her own personal therapy as well.


Divorced - 5/23/14
Already in my New Beginning - :)

Posts: 492 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: texas
jb3199
♂ Member
Member # 27673
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, June 29th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You have handled yourself very well so far. You are much stronger than I ever was at your timeframe. Don't be afraid to give yourself an occasional "mental-pat-on-the-back" every now and then.

You are correct that the hard work starts now. The one huge thing that you have going for you, is a wife that appears to want to save the marriage. It is important that actions are being taken while everything is still fresh.

I would suggest IC for her...with a counselor experienced in infidelity. Same with the MC. Don't be afraid to shop around for one that makes you feel comfortable.

I would also suggest a few books that you can both read together. Communication is key in the rebuilding process, and dealing with this head-on is the best chance for future success. If you feel comfortable in time, you may even suggest that your wife join this site.

The bottom line is: Commitment + Hard Work = Best Chance of Success.

Good luck.


BH-46
WW-44
2 boys-17 & 20(special needs)
Married 21yrs.(together 27yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D


Posts: 2052 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
Schadenfreude
♂ Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 5:31 PM, June 29th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are about the only guy who has had a 100% remorseful wife who Is offering all the right things. I wonder if she didn't want to end the A with her boss using your discovery as an excuse. It just seems to good to be true, based on what helps other members have gone through.

Get a timeline. Ask questions. You need to know what sets her off on the infidelity path if you remain married. So you can recognize the symptoms should they start in the future.

Story to be Mr Negative but forewarned is forearmed.

[This message edited by Schadenfreude at 8:20 PM, June 29th (Sunday)]


Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
craig2001
♂ Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 6:22 PM, June 29th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It just seems to good to be true, based on what helps other members have gone through.
It is terrible we are cynical because of what we have gone through.

But is wife is the perfect fWW and doing everything 100% right.

So perfect as to be scary.


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