My confusion came from the power of the pull of it all. That I was willing to risk everything for that feeling. Got me to thinking about what was missing in me that I allowed myself to go there.
That was very early on in IC, before d-day. Lots of work from there!
What are you confused about?
"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."
With the EA there were no immediate consequences because H didn't know about it.
Anyway...that was confusing...basically I guess I'm trying to say, give it time, focus on you and your M and don't dwell on thoughts of OM.
I think the confusion you are feeling is normal. You are in the very early stages of the brain rewiring process. Thinking about things you never really questioned before in a different way. New neuron hookups. Reassignment of meaning to old neuron hookups. That sort of thing. It's an agonizingly slow process. But! The good news is you are farther along than you were yesterday. And tomorrow you will be farther along still. Even if it seems like things are going up and down, if you keep at this new and more wholesome thought patterns will start to emerge. And it will feel so much better.
The affair was like a super express highway to "feeling no pain" land. It was an easy way to manage crummy feelings in the moment. But the downsides...well you know about those. You're now on the local. Lots of stops, lots of patience required. The difference is that the express highway does not, and cannot ever, take you to a destination of wholeness. The local, if you keep riding it, will.
Hang in there, Dana. Keep digging and try to have patience with the process and yourself and your BS.
Digging our way through.
It was so confusing to me when our A ended (when he got a girlfriend) because I thought that this "good" man wouldn't lie to me about wanting to be with me; I thought he respected me enough to be honest with me; I thought what we had was real, because he was such a "good" person that he wouldn't say it was real if it wasn't. I watched him treat women like shit and still thought that *I* was different because *I* was his friend. But I wasn't different. He liked the ego boost from all the attention I gave him, and he liked to play my little fantasy "what if we were together" game, but he didn't actually want me.
So yes, this was all incredibly confusing to me. My good friend, the man I respected and put on a pedestal, was actually lying to me? I didn't understand how that could be possible.
Eventually, the gloss wears off. The lies become less painful, and someday aren't painful at all. I am now honesty indifferent to my AP. It'll take time -- you'll probably be angry at him and hate him before you get to indifference, but you'll get there eventually.
The first step you need to take is to start eliminating thoughts of your AP. When a thought pops into your head -- "was what we had real?" "why would he say he loved me if he didn't?" "why is he trying to contact me when he should be reconciling with his BW?" "is he even trying to reconcile with her?" "I wonder if he ever thinks about me." "I can't believe he lied to me." you have to *shut them down.* Stop. Don't let your brain ruminate on them, don't follow them down the road. It's sooo easy to take that one thought and RUN with it. But you can't. You have to recognize that you're having a thought about your AP and start distracting yourself with something else.
Married to amazing new H who is not a BH and never will be.