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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: not about him
dana47
♀ Member
Member # 43711
Stop  Posted: 2:17 PM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ive known since before my DDay that my feelings were not about AP but rather the feelings u got from him. I. E. The way he made me feel. That being said, I still struggle with feelings if confusion. Anyone else experience this?

Posts: 56 | Registered: Jun 2014
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, my IC told me that early on and it was kind of an epiphany for me.

My confusion came from the power of the pull of it all. That I was willing to risk everything for that feeling. Got me to thinking about what was missing in me that I allowed myself to go there.

That was very early on in IC, before d-day. Lots of work from there!

What are you confused about?


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 38704 | Registered: Sep 2007
dana47
♀ Member
Member # 43711
Default  Posted: 2:59 PM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Conflicting thoughts. Cognitively I am aware the A was all about me getting a high from the situation. However I still struggle with thoughts of AP. I guess you could say sometimes I miss him? But then again I don't because any contact with him brings negative emotions.

Posts: 56 | Registered: Jun 2014
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 3:06 PM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand. When my EA ended I had a lot of trouble shaking it, missing OM. BH didn't know about it. I went on to have two PAs that BH found out about. I did not miss the OMs and I think it's because there were really no emotions attached to them, and dealing with the fallout of d-day was the focus.

With the EA there were no immediate consequences because H didn't know about it.

Anyway...that was confusing...basically I guess I'm trying to say, give it time, focus on you and your M and don't dwell on thoughts of OM.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 38704 | Registered: Sep 2007
EvolvingSoul
♀ Member
Member # 29972
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Dana,

I think the confusion you are feeling is normal. You are in the very early stages of the brain rewiring process. Thinking about things you never really questioned before in a different way. New neuron hookups. Reassignment of meaning to old neuron hookups. That sort of thing. It's an agonizingly slow process. But! The good news is you are farther along than you were yesterday. And tomorrow you will be farther along still. Even if it seems like things are going up and down, if you keep at this new and more wholesome thought patterns will start to emerge. And it will feel so much better.

The affair was like a super express highway to "feeling no pain" land. It was an easy way to manage crummy feelings in the moment. But the downsides...well you know about those. You're now on the local. Lots of stops, lots of patience required. The difference is that the express highway does not, and cannot ever, take you to a destination of wholeness. The local, if you keep riding it, will.

Hang in there, Dana. Keep digging and try to have patience with the process and yourself and your BS.


Me: WS (52)
Him: Shards (47)
D-day: June 6, 2010
Last voluntary AP contact: June 23, 2010
NC Letter sent: 3/9/11

Digging our way through.


Posts: 310 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: Turning the corner.
walktheline
♀ New Member
Member # 43408
Default  Posted: 9:22 PM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, I struggled with the confusion also. My AP wasn't someone random -- he was a good friend for whom I had an *immense* amount of respect. I had always greatly admired him and, quite honestly, had a crush on him since the first day I met him. I thought he was an amazing person.

It was so confusing to me when our A ended (when he got a girlfriend) because I thought that this "good" man wouldn't lie to me about wanting to be with me; I thought he respected me enough to be honest with me; I thought what we had was real, because he was such a "good" person that he wouldn't say it was real if it wasn't. I watched him treat women like shit and still thought that *I* was different because *I* was his friend. But I wasn't different. He liked the ego boost from all the attention I gave him, and he liked to play my little fantasy "what if we were together" game, but he didn't actually want me.

So yes, this was all incredibly confusing to me. My good friend, the man I respected and put on a pedestal, was actually lying to me? I didn't understand how that could be possible.

Eventually, the gloss wears off. The lies become less painful, and someday aren't painful at all. I am now honesty indifferent to my AP. It'll take time -- you'll probably be angry at him and hate him before you get to indifference, but you'll get there eventually.

The first step you need to take is to start eliminating thoughts of your AP. When a thought pops into your head -- "was what we had real?" "why would he say he loved me if he didn't?" "why is he trying to contact me when he should be reconciling with his BW?" "is he even trying to reconcile with her?" "I wonder if he ever thinks about me." "I can't believe he lied to me." you have to *shut them down.* Stop. Don't let your brain ruminate on them, don't follow them down the road. It's sooo easy to take that one thought and RUN with it. But you can't. You have to recognize that you're having a thought about your AP and start distracting yourself with something else.


fOW/fWW - 30.

Married to amazing new H who is not a BH and never will be.


Posts: 19 | Registered: May 2014 | From: walktheline
20WrongsVs1
♀ Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 10:13 PM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you read SI or just start posts? Sorry, but yes, it's very common. It's good that you've begun to separate AP and the feelings associated with him. You've seen the acronym (we do adore them here!) ILYBINILWY right? Those WS are embracing the delusion that they were/are "in love" with AP.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1252 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
Topic Posts: 7

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