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User Topic: Ask the menz...
1owner
♂ Member
Member # 41157
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, June 26th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The best gift, other than Fidelity, would be respect, and partner, like 5454 said.

Posts: 210 | Registered: Oct 2013
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 8:53 AM, June 26th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The best gift? Honestly? Red Jaguar F Type. That would be awesome.


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 4137 | Registered: Dec 2011
ButterflyGirl
♀ Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 8:56 AM, June 26th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nah, best gift for me would be a Lotus.. Those cars are sa-weet!


xBW~ 35
Two DS~ 7-Eleven
"I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know." ~ asurvivor

Posts: 2724 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
MindMonkey
♂ Member
Member # 41679
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, June 26th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Catch up time. I seem to be an outlier for many of the menz here so don't fuss at me if you don't like what I'm saying. It's the honest truth.

----

Period sex: I'd rather not on a heavy day. I will however, go down on any day. My aim is pretty good so I can avoid the mess. If we do have sex, it is only at her request and she cleans me up with a warn cloth afterward. But I'd rather just stick to oral both ways.

----

Attractive coworkers: I hope this isnít wayward speak or blameshifting but hereís my thoughts on attractive cooworkers. Itís tough maintaining boundaries. Itís a classic struggle of biology vs. moral obligation. The fight is real, folks. For instance, I manage a small group of individuals. We are very isolated from external entities and are required to be very well acquainted with each other. One of my colleagues is young and attractive, she is eager to please and smells nice to boot. She also blushes when she talks to me and routinely attempts to engage in small talk. Pretty much my FWW worst case scenario. I think itís important for me to recognize the possible temptation and let my FWW know as well. It bothered her at first, but I like it that she is in the know. It helps keep my boundaries strong. Now when we go on travel, FWW will very specifically ask me what hotel everyone stayed at and who I ate dinner with and who I shared a car with. In essence my W knows the potential threats to our M and can take an active role in protecting it. The other option is for me to keep that stuff to myself and beast it out alone. Personally I like the backup.

My point is, I donít think Iím alone. As a man, I find most women (vast majority) attractive. Thereís something sexy about every woman. Every. Last. One. Iíd love to shut off that part of my brain and tell FWW I only have eyes for her but it would be bullshit. My wife cheated on me twice while I lived in the mistaken world where she only had eyes for me. Well after being burned twice I realize that was a pretty dumb world to live in (or at least naÔve). I didnít see it coming and could do nothing to protect myself. If she had told me all along that she found OM coworker attractive (which she now admits to), I could have put my defenses up before it was too late. I think itís only fair to give her the courtesy she should have given me.

What Iím saying is so what if your H finds a coworker attractive? Chances are she is dressing/acting the part so it would only be natural. I think it would be in your best interest to encourage him to share this with you. You canít defend against what you canít see.

----

And, if I tell my wife I'm not thinking about anything, it's genrally not true (she knows this so it's not really a lie). "Nothing" could mean a few things:

1. The thought is still in the stage of infancy. It wouldn't make sense to you since it barely makes sense to me. I may share when it's more developed.
2. It's technical or work related. You wouldn't understand or care. But I can't say that since it's insulting.
3. It could be construed as offensive. Not taking any chances.
4. I'm thinking about your multiple affairs. Do you really want me to share? Didn't think so.


BH, 35, CoD, Military...sober since 6/17/14
FWW, EA/PA (x2) different OM coworkers
Reconciling since 8/1/13
100% ready to file at next dealbreaker...don't test me.

Posts: 209 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: NoVA
HeartFullOfHoles
♂ Member
Member # 42874
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, June 26th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have to agree with 5454 and 1owner a faithful and respectful wife would be my first choice as well. Always wanted an Elise, maybe that can be the conciliation prize.


BH - Divorcing
D-Day 4/28-29/2012
Two daughters in HS

Posts: 188 | Registered: Mar 2014
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, June 26th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here's another one. I've gained weight in the past year thanks to moving, general stress of building a house and living in an apartment with a tiny kitchen (read: a lot of convenience food) and two pregnancies losses (complications that cause me to gain weight due to medication and forced inactivity).

When I make comments about my weight, he says he always thinks I look great but if I'm not happy with myself I know what to do (i.e., work out and eat better). His interest in sex is still very strong. He's gained weight too and we're both exercising and trying to eat better.

Does he really find my 20 lbs heavier body attractive or is he just trying to be nice?


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 5-year-old daughter. Baby Green 2.0 expected June 2015!!!!!!!!!

Posts: 6972 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
simplydevastated
♀ Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, June 26th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Question about the "What are you thinking" question.

Wouldn't it be easier just to say "I'm thinking about a project from work" or "how I'm going to change a specific car part" etc...

Everyone says they want more communication, wouldn't that be a step in the right direction? Instead of shutting us out and assuming we don't care what you're thinking.

I can only speak for myself, but I'm sure other women will chime in. If I ask "what are you thinking?" It's because I care and I sincerely want to know. Besides, you never know, maybe if you tell us we may have an idea that could help, or we could offer to help in some way. Lord knows, I love working on cars so if that's what he's thinking about, tell me, I want to help.


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5854 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
simplydevastated
♀ Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, June 26th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh! Another question. I want to see how fast the menz abandon this thread

Why do men run away (sometimes figuratively, sometimes literally) from the question "Does this outfit make me look fat?"


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5854 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
h0peless
♂ Member
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, June 26th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does he really find my 20 lbs heavier body attractive or is he just trying to be nice?

My ex struggled with her weight for most of our relationship and I thought she was the most beautiful woman in the world when she was 200lbs just like I did when she was 130. I highly doubt he's lying.

Wouldn't it be easier just to say "I'm thinking about a project from work" or "how I'm going to change a specific car part" etc...

Not if it leads to a long conversation that doesn't fix anything. If there's a problem that we can solve by ourselves, we'd rather just do that than talk about it. Women like to talk things like that through. Men find it unnecessary and sometimes exasperating. We'd rather spend an hour fixing something and be done with it than talk about it for 30 minutes beforehand. We want communication about important things but we don't want to talk about minutia.

Why do men run away (sometimes figuratively, sometimes literally) from the question "Does this outfit make me look fat?"


Posts: 1852 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Baja Arizona
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, June 26th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

^^^ I have to agree with that


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 5247 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
simplydevastated
♀ Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, June 26th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First... ^^^ That picture is perfect!

Not if it leads to a long conversation that doesn't fix anything. If there's a problem that we can solve by ourselves, we'd rather just do that than talk about it. Women like to talk things like that through. Men find it unnecessary and sometimes exasperating. We'd rather spend an hour fixing something and be done with it than talk about it for 30 minutes beforehand. We want communication about important things but we don't want to talk about minutia.


This makes sense...


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5854 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
ButterflyGirl
♀ Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, June 26th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It sure does seem like a trap, but how about some advice for you menz?

It's not about the clothes, right? It's about the confidence with which you wear them? So why don't you try really *looking* at the outfit and picking out something you like about it? Like, "That color looks great on you," or, "I like how it shows off your (insert body part here)."

BUT, if she really doesn't realize it's too short, it's puckering in the back, it makes her look like she's trying too hard for the occasion, it's not streamlining her body, etc., something that other people would notice, but she just can't see it, then just freaking tell her so! Nothing like my man saying I look great, then my girlfriend pulling me aside later to tell me my panty lines are way too obvious or something.

If it generally just looks "fine" on her, then just find something to compliment to boost her ego a little so she wears the outfit with confidence.

It's not a trap! We really just want ego kibbles and to be told we look nice so that we can have some confidence while wearing the outfit to wherever we happen to be going..


xBW~ 35
Two DS~ 7-Eleven
"I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know." ~ asurvivor

Posts: 2724 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
Gman1
♂ Member
Member # 40879
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, June 26th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think that if all women, including my wife, could figure out how absolutely simple 98% of all men actually are that women would rule the world. All we want is 1) to be loved 2) to feel appreciated and 3) to be respected. For me, that is the bottom line.

Of course we would all like for our wives to look and be sexy as hell and be gourmet cooks and make six figures all at once too. But, at least to me, the three things above are by far most important.

My best gift would be her planning a long weekend away by ourselves without the kids. Someplace tropical where she would focus on just me and us.
And, yes I have fantasized about me and two women. My wife and another female of her choosing. It would be wild but is simply a fantasy.


Posts: 281 | Registered: Oct 2013
seenow
♀ Member
Member # 40720
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, June 26th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Two women in a bar/market/shopping

#1 - Make up. Hair done. Nails done. High heels. Fit. Clothes accentuating the goods. Upon closer inspection, not really attractive but eye catching and flashy. Knows how to flatter what is good and minimize what is not.

#2 - No make up. Pony tail. A little sloppy. Upon closer inspection, nice features and the right curves sometimes show up under the loose clothes. Minimizes all features.

What do you think of these two women?


ME: BS mid 40's
Him: WH mid 40's
DDay 5/13 5 year LTA, ONS
together 25 yrs
1 kiddo

Posts: 312 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: mountain west
h0peless
♂ Member
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, June 26th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Heavy makeup is a HUGE turnoff for me so I'd be a lot more interested in woman #2. I know a lot of #1 women and I love a lot of them as friends but I make the assumption (probably sometimes unfairly) that they are high maintenance and that's not a whole lot of fun. I'd rather hang out with someone who is cool with going hiking or something fun like that.

ETA: Attraction is a big thing right off the bat but personality is huge too. The heavily made up and dressed up women could be interesting if they were cool, it just isn't initially my type.

[This message edited by h0peless at 10:44 AM, June 26th (Thursday)]


Posts: 1852 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Baja Arizona
Schadenfreude
♂ Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, June 26th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The trick question. Here are possible answers

No (possibly a lie to keep the peace and wardrobe costs,down)

Yes. (H suddenly bled to death from the dagger eyed look he will immediately get)

What difference do the clothes make? You are fat. ( H soon gets to study divorce lawyers interior decorating skills)

I don't really care since I just grabbed what was n the closet for me. ( ditto)

No,you look beautiful to me.

We are lectured that total honesty is important here. I guess that's true ----except when it isn't. The key is to know the difference.

Which answer do you prefer, ladies?

[This message edited by Schadenfreude at 10:53 AM, June 26th (Thursday)]


Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, June 26th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I honestly don't understand why women would ask that question. We know when something doesn't look good. And we know when we are overweight.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 5247 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, June 26th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If there was one gift you could receive from your wife/partner/SO that would really mean the world to you what would it be?

Just give a damn about me.

Ive been asking for more info about her LTA for more than a decade but always got the *I dont remember* line. I dont believe that. Maybe she would have trouble remembering NOW but not right after Dday when I first asked. If she gave a damn about me then she would give me was I asked for because I said I needed it to heal. Of course if she actually gave a damn about me she wouldnt have cheated in the first place.

Two women in a bar/market/shopping
#1 - Make up. Hair done. Nails done. High heels. Fit. Clothes accentuating the goods. Upon closer inspection, not really attractive but eye catching and flashy. Knows how to flatter what is good and minimize what is not.

#2 - No make up. Pony tail. A little sloppy. Upon closer inspection, nice features and the right curves sometimes show up under the loose clothes. Minimizes all features.

What do you think of these two women?

#2 sounds MUCH MORE attractive to me. She is being herself and not pretending to be something she isnt.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.

Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.
Friedrich Nietzsche


Posts: 3483 | Registered: Sep 2007
simplydevastated
♀ Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, June 26th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We know when something doesn't look good.

Not all the time. One person's "good" is another person's "trashy"


Schadenfreude, I like your responses in the parentheses.

No,you look beautiful to me.

I like this answer, with a twist...

No, you look beautiful to me, but the color kind of washes you out or it's a little too tight or a little too short etc... pick an ending.

For me, as long as it starts with a positive I can handle the negative.

I hope that made sense.


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5854 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, June 26th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Love this thread. That's all.


me - BS (45) - DDay - June 2013
A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward." -- C.S. Lewis.

Posts: 2247 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
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