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painpaingoaway posted 6/26/2014 14:12 PM

Having said that I have been around married women who stare at other attractive men, even making comments. I know they love their husbands but they look too. I don't think its a male only type of behavior. We've been conditioned to think that only men do it.
I don't. Really, I don't. It's not that I don't appreciate a good looking man if he comes into my line of sight, but I don't 'look' for them. For example, if I am out in public with other people I spend 99.9% of that time interacting with them. I honestly do not notice anything else that may be going on around me... I am totally focused on the person or people I am with. I don't turn my head away from them, I don't 'scan the crowd', I am truly engrossed with my partner, or friends. Am I weird?

[This message edited by painpaingoaway at 2:12 PM, June 26th (Thursday)]

RyeBread posted 6/26/2014 14:12 PM

If you aren't a 10, that's a GOOD thing. You might not get as many double takes but no one is thinking, she's hot but I bet she's a real @&#$!.


I'd like to second that!

katiescarlett posted 6/26/2014 14:12 PM

How many men have had bi-curious thoughts?

tired girl posted 6/26/2014 14:13 PM

Hey Tred,

I am not trying to attack or ask you to defend a position. I believe that men in general, and I know we are not supposed to generalize but there it is, are very visual creatures. I think much more so than women when it comes to the human form. That being said, if a woman was to be doing that, would a male deal with it as good as us women are expected to? I guess that is what I am asking?

h0peless posted 6/26/2014 14:14 PM

How many men have had bi-curious thoughts?

I did when I was around 14. Never had any urge to act on them because I've never found men attractive.

RyeBread posted 6/26/2014 14:18 PM

painpaingoaway

I wasn't trying to say all married women, just some that I know have done it when I have been around. Just like not all men are rubber necking it all the time. Matter of fact, most of the men I spend time with don't.

Exactly like you said too, I don't scan for the next eye candy fix either. If it's in my view when I am looking certain direction then I notice it. But keeping my head on a swivel I do not.

Schadenfreude posted 6/26/2014 14:19 PM

Women are, IMHO, more visual. But not about attractive members of opposite sex as much, Tired Girl. You, being a woman, will notice what other women are wearing, what color a room is decorated in and remember it, who wore what to the last wedding (me, a man, knows the bride wore white, the dress was long or short, and it showed cleavage or not ), and most important, where objects are located in the house that H cannot find. You know exactly where the kids are, who they are playing with, what they are doing. We know if they are in the vicinity.

Wiring. It just how people think. Men have the ability to recall exactly what a woman looked like in a particular setting, and I'm sure women have the similar ability also.

Imissmyhusb posted 6/26/2014 14:20 PM

I have lots of questions
A few months ago. I found out my mom had to hav surgery in order to save her life. She got the surgery and as expectd my siblings and i were worried abt her. One of those worryg nights i woke up in bed to WH startg sex. This was a few months after dday and my feelgs were still quite raw. After the sex i askd him what that was all abt, bcuz its confusg my emotions to b intimate w him.

He said he was just tryg to comfort me, with mom going thru the surgery and all.
Does this sound real? Or did he just want sex?

Tred posted 6/26/2014 14:22 PM

if a woman was to be doing that, would a male deal with it as good as us women are expected to?

Depends. How are women expected to deal with it? How are men expected to deal with it? I think it's too general of a question to answer, as I don't expect any woman with me to "deal with it". It comes down to where the boundaries are in each individual relationship. Sometimes boundaries are crossed because they are like an invisible fence. Sometimes they are crossed when it's a chain link fence. But where that boundary is at is up to each couple to negotiate.

Razor posted 6/26/2014 14:22 PM

He probably just wanted sex. The *comforting* thing was just a excuse.

Sorry.

ButterflyGirl posted 6/26/2014 14:24 PM

I can see the betrayed men here getting a little frustrated because there *is* a generalization and stereotype that "men" cheat and can't help themselves and "women" would never even THINK of another man, and it's quite unfair.

All of us betrayed wives are wondering why our wayward piece of shit husbands do terrible things. But this is the wrong audience for that, because these are FAITHFUL men that have been burned by wayward women.. Men who prove the generalizations WRONG.

All of you wonderful menz are the reason I still have hope that one day a man will fall head over heals for me and respect me and love my saggy boobs and grey hair and just want respect and love in return.. In fact, I'm gonna go say another prayer right now that God blesses me with a man of integrity, and that *I'm* ready for him when he comes along..

HeartFullOfHoles posted 6/26/2014 14:27 PM

If you woke up to him initiating it wasn't about you. You were asleep and there was no reason to comfort you at that point in time. If you had woke up and he asked "what can I do to help?" and you suggest some intimacy that's a different story.

tired girl posted 6/26/2014 14:31 PM

Depends. How are women expected to deal with it? How are men expected to deal with it? I think it's too general of a question to answer, as I don't expect any woman with me to "deal with it". It comes down to where the boundaries are in each individual relationship. Sometimes boundaries are crossed because they are like an invisible fence. Sometimes they are crossed when it's a chain link fence. But where that boundary is at is up to each couple to negotiate.

I think you are probably very right here.

h0peless posted 6/26/2014 14:31 PM

That being said, if a woman was to be doing that, would a male deal with it as good as us women are expected to?

Also without meaning to generalize, I think men tend to be more secure about their bodies than women. I know rationally that I'm not as good looking as McSteamy or whoever it was on that trashy hospital show she liked to watch was but I also wasn't too worried about it and it didn't make me jealous.

That said, I don't think anyone should have to "deal with" anything. It bothered my ex when I looked at other women so I made a concerted effort to not do it in front of her.

He said he was just tryg to comfort me, with mom going thru the surgery and all.
Does this sound real? Or did he just want sex?

I hate to say it but he probably just wanted sex.

[This message edited by h0peless at 2:32 PM, June 26th (Thursday)]

Aubrie posted 6/26/2014 14:31 PM

Forgive me if this has already been asked and I missed it.

Sometimes I want a few minutes of physical touch without having to commit to the whole shebang. Just 10 minutes of face to face, nose to nose, chest to chest, arms entangled moments so I can feel more centered, then lemme go.

Is it frustrating to be asked to snuggle or cuddle without it leading to sex?

WhatsRight posted 6/26/2014 14:33 PM

Rye...

Thanks for your response. The sex disinterest happened after dday - and he was the one cheating. He has a lot of shame, and there have been many losses in our families in the last few years due to death.

Also, his testosterone level is about a 6. He is getting injections now.

h0peless posted 6/26/2014 14:34 PM

Is it frustrating to be asked to snuggle or cuddle without it leading to sex?

It can be. It's tough to turn off the switch when you're really aroused. Generally, being wrapped up in a woman's arms and legs is extremely arousing.

silverhopes posted 6/26/2014 14:44 PM

Having said that I have been around married women who stare at other attractive men, even making comments. I know they love their husbands but they look too. I don't think its a male only type of behavior. We've been conditioned to think that only men do it. Hollywood/media do a good job of that.

Not sure if other women can relate or not… One of my reasons for not staring at other men has to do with a shame factor. I had a lot of conditioning growing up that shamed me, as a woman, for having a libido. So looking at other men and finding them attractive would cause a lot of shame, even if we were both single and available and even if he was staring back. Also the ever-present fear that the man I was thinking looked good was in a relationship and I was disrespecting his partner by noticing him. Now that I'm married? Forget it, I walk with my head down if I can help it and smile manically (nervously) when I have to make eye contact. Not sure how to explain it in a good way - for some wimenz, it might not be because we're less visual or appreciating, but rather because we're scared of slut-shaming to an unhealthy degree. Just food for thought.

ETA: I should mention I am a MH. But this shame factor was present long before then.

[This message edited by silverhopes at 3:10 PM, June 26th (Thursday)]

h0peless posted 6/26/2014 14:47 PM

One of my best friends is female and says things about her celebrity crushes that would have made me blush when I worked construction. Just saying.

JanaGreen posted 6/26/2014 14:48 PM

Silver, I can kind of identify with what you're saying - but for me it's more of . . . if I see a very attractive man, I don't want him to see me noticing him because I feel like a total frump and I don't want him to interpret my looking as somehow ogling him - oh look at the pitiful chubby lady checking out my hotness!

With men who are nice-looking but more on my "level" I don't want to stare because boundaries.

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