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Ask the menz...

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h0peless posted 6/28/2014 12:29 PM

Blowjobs and related questions

I'm sure I'm a huge outlier here but I don't really like them. I can get off eventually and I suppose they're useful as a tool to get ready for the main event but I'd rather do something that's pleasurable to her. Chances are I'm going to get mine at some point either way. So yeah, I don't really enjoy blow jobs.

Women on top and rhythm

When I was young, I used to get over eager when the woman is on top and try to take over but as I matured a little bit, I learned to let her do her thing and find the pleasurable spots for herself. Like I said above, I'm going to have a great time either way. Way better if we both enjoy it.

ladies_first posted 6/28/2014 12:54 PM

Do what you want and like first and foremost. Ladies first and ladies often.

I couldn't agree more.

one preferred deep penetration and grinding (sorry there is no polite way to talk about this!) and the other preferred a more up and down rhythm.
I get off from the former and he prefers the latter. So BOTH are "right" making this about preferences.

He said once I had no rhythm. So now I feel like I have absolutely no idea what to do or how to move.

That's why I'd suggest you make girl on top all about your pleasure and your exploration for the immediate future. Try different rhythms. Experiment with what feels best for you!!

After you figure out how to make yourself O on top!! *then* you can decide if you want switch to a rhythm he prefers.

my absolute favorite thing about a woman being on top, is watching her enjoy herself. Watching her be free in her sexuality to do what she wants, watching her really enjoy herself, watching her get into it, watching her take the lead, I ask is there anything sexier? *shudder*
Lots of truth to this. Have fun with it!

Brandon808 posted 6/28/2014 13:26 PM

Do u enjoy themmostfor arousal, pleasure or climax?
I will explain
Is it to start off w and then switch positions to do another act of sex as the main act?
Is it the main act then switch to climax another way?
Is it the way to climax?

Arousal if I have to give an answer. I really can't climax that way. Not to mention how difficult it is for me to just lie back and only receive the attention. So it's something to start off with if pity happens at all.

rachelc posted 6/28/2014 19:50 PM

I was at the pub with hubby tonight and a woman walked across the street looking ready for the evening , if you know what I mean. A group of men gawked and elbowed each other as they looked at her. Meanwhile, the beautiful classy looking women in the bar didn't get a glance. WTH?

ButterflyGirl posted 6/28/2014 20:26 PM

Swallowing vs other...

I think the big thing about swallowing is it says to the man "I don't think you are gross."

So if you do something else, just do it in such a way that your man doesn't feel gross. Personally, I think going in between her boobs would be just as hot as her swallowing. Basically if it gets anywhere on her and she responds with "wow!" instead of "eww!" I feel fricken awesome and even a little proud

Sorry if I've been a little hung up on this question guys. And sorry if this question has too much TMI in it

Would most men agree with above? For me, I'm more than willing to have a man "finish" on me, pretty much anywhere on my body he wants to.. I'm even good with his finishing in my mouth, but I still really REALLY don't want to swallow it. I won't pull an "eww!" and forcibly spit it out of my mouth, but maybe just close my mouth slowly while it drips down my chin. And I don't mind touching it and rubbing it on my breasts or something. But I still don't want to swallow, cause I do think that's "eww!"

So would you say enjoying it like that is an okay substitute to actually swallowing it? Or is it something about her actually ingesting it that makes it so hot for you guys?

Again, sorry if the visual was a little descriptive

SWAT70 posted 6/28/2014 23:12 PM

I'm just want everyone to know that I am answering this with permission from the wife.

Butterfly girl. It was mentioned before. Enthusiasm is key. We want to feel you like it, no one likes the eww factor. You do what you want. Us men are all different and if and when it gets to the big finish, maybe crass but me personally. I want to see it, and if I get a "wow". Well lets just say icing on the cake.

A few years back SS asked what my "dirty girl" fantasy was. She was kind enough to oblige. Lets just say you described it in rather graphic detail.

Thank god y'all can't see me. I'm red as a tomato.

SWAT70 posted 6/28/2014 23:24 PM

Rachelc. Well that's easy. Maybe, sort of. They were thinking with the little head. I'm assuming from what you posted she was dressed shall we say scantily. If she looked like she was on the prowl they are thinking maybe I'll get lucky.

When you say men, are they really or are they just big boys?
Because I'll be honest there is a huge difference between the SWAT70 at 25 and 45. 25 was looking for easy, 45 would be (if I was looking) for quality.

5454real posted 6/28/2014 23:26 PM

Butterfly girl, Swat said it.

Enthusiasm is key

Let me know I'm the biggest baddest best you've ever had/felt/tasted and the swallow becomes no longer relevant.

Yea, as a BM whose FWW let me know he was *longer* but thinner, I had issues for a while, but repetition helps!

Jduff posted 6/29/2014 00:39 AM

Let me suggest an alternative to "swallowing". Instead, wipe a little off on to your finger (like icing off a cake) and lick it in view of your man, followed by "Mmmmmm"

No need to ingest, but that tells him he "tastes" great and that is certainly a hot compliment.

yearsofpain25 posted 6/29/2014 09:22 AM

Getting back to the bj question... I posted this in AML04 trigger thread and seems to have helped a few of the ladies so I will also put it here and add my additional thoughts. Excerpt:


My personal attitude towards sex is that it has to be fun for both parties. If it's not fun, why bother? Especially if it causes unnecessary anxiety over something that should just be fun.

That said, I'm going to share my W's and my experience with this subject. Maybe it will help you, maybe it won't. For myself, I typically did not have an O from oral sex. I had been with a few women before my W and only 1 was able to make me have an O via a bj. For the ones where I didn't, it's not that it wasn't enjoyable or didn't feel good. It always felt good, but I also always felt that they didn't enjoy it that much and I'm guessing very much viewed it like a job. Something that was just sort of done as part of sex/foreplay. Also to reciprocate since one of my favorite things to do with my partners is to perform oral sex on them. Insert ltgf #3 in my life and she turned me on to a new experience with it. I was able to have an O from a bj every single time she gave me one which was pretty much every time we had sex. The key? Enthusiasm!! She loved doing it and it showed. I won't get into too much detail as the biggest thing to take away from that experience is enthusiasm.

Now with my W. Been married almost 14 years and been together 16. She could never get me to O that way and I could care less. She doesn't like to hear about my sexual history so she doesn't know that ltgf 3 was able to do that to me. A 's gag reflex was a lot like yours. And you are right there is nothing sexy about gagging and tears. She also had a mental aversion to how it must look like. She would never let me look at her. Yet still she wanted to do it to me every once in a while as part of what she thought people should do during sex every once in a while. Plus I'm very much a pleaser and always very much 100% into my partner. I'm way more into giving pleasure than receiving. Not that I didn't enjoy her bj's because of course I did. They felt great and I appreciated them. She would sporadically give one a couple of times a year, but I could always tell she just wasn't that into it plus I was never going to have an O from one. Because I wasn't going to have an O, it's almost like it threw up extra road blocks for both of us which reinforced the no O for me. Again to reiterate I could care less. I'm more interested in sending her into a new universe which is where I get my "ego nibbles". Not from receiving.

Fast forward to June 2013. W and I are coming out of our "room mate" phase and start to turn towards each other in our relationship. We both start working on our M together. We continue to this day. One thing that has been a challenge for us since our third child has been the frequency of sex. She had early onset of peri menopause in mid 30's, endometriosis, and other uterine complications from a procedure that she had. Since I went first and she saw that I started changes with myself, she wanted to do the same. I quickly came to find that she wanted to step up her game in the bj department and she wanted to practice a lot.

I was emotionally, sometimes physically, abused in a very manipulative manner by my NPD mother as a child. No CSA but I've come to learn this is what drives me as a giver. What you have to understand is that it's difficult for me to only be the receiver. I'm very much driven as the giver. It drove/drives me crazy that she made a rule that I was not allowed to touch her at any point during some of these bj's when "weather isn't permitting" conventional sex.

Man did she dive into her new found talent with gusto. She kicked down a lot of her own inhibitions. She started demanding eye contact, she decided she was going to really have fun with it. She even read a book or two to learn some new techniques that are.... she put herself in the drivers seat and was very enthusiastic which turned me on. That in turn turns her on. She even tried some new flavored lubes, which I have to pretty incredible. She figured out pretty quickly that a lot of the technique is in the hand/wrist and started doing the twisty technique. She can breathe without all the tears (she still gets some but way less). She started to explore and really get into it. Since she has started with he new enthusiasm, she has given me an O every single time.

Using your hand and wrist IMO is the secret to a really good bj. It doesn't have to all fit in your mouth. Also the wetter the better and that flavored lube has really been awesome. She found this stuff that tastes like Jolly Rancher candies which has added a new element for her and also helps with that gag reflex because it tastes really good. A company called JO System. The flavored lubes are very watery in consistency. Watermelon, green apple, and raspberry sorbet are all very good and have tried them myself to see what they tasted like. They are 100% edible, however they do contain glycerine so they should not be used on you, especially if prone to yeast infections. The lube really helps with the hand job part of the bj.

Anyway, she has found that she really enjoys doing it now. She has found a new way to rock my world and man does she own it. No comparing because there's nothing to compare to. She's that good that she has put herself in her own league.

One aspect that she has told me that she never realized before is the control level that she gets when giving me a bj. She has been raped and sexually abused. She has developed OCPD from her sexual abuse. She loves the control and dominance that comes with performing oral sex which surprised her. When she does it, she runs the show no question. I know I know...I suffer immensely.

I have also spoken with a few other women who were sexually abused here on SI and they also have commented on the control that they get from performing oral sex as well.


I think that ties together many of what they men have posted here. Enthusiasm is a must. There are various techniques that feel really good too that can really help. Using the hand/wrist is a huge plus. As far as swallowing...doesn't really matter. I will say this through, having an O while your penis is surrounded is more intense that when it is not, whether during oral or PIV/pull out method. Really just an added bonus sensation. Not a necessity.


I was at the pub with hubby tonight and a woman walked across the street looking ready for the evening , if you know what I mean. A group of men gawked and elbowed each other as they looked at her. Meanwhile, the beautiful classy looking women in the bar didn't get a glance. WTH?

I beg to differ!! I bet the beautiful classy looking women did get a glance. Probably more than one. How could they not? Difference being they got the classy glance that's more subtle. Their look probably demanded respect and that is what they got, but they most certainly were looked at and appreciated. What type of respect did the woman who walked across the street demand? Yep, she got what she demanded.


ButterflyGirl posted 6/29/2014 16:59 PM

Adapted from the womenz thread:

How much of a turn off is it if a woman is a bit overweight?

Maxiom posted 6/29/2014 17:09 PM

Honestly.. there will be a point where it will be. However, for me.. that point is very far from what would be considered the norm.

I have always had a thing for Queen Latifah.. and I also find Melissa McCarthy attractive, though i wish she wasn't so typecast in her movies.

Brandon808 posted 6/29/2014 17:09 PM

How much of a turn off is it if a woman is a bit overweight?
It isn't a turnoff. I've dated women of different sizes so I can honestly say I am able to find women of all sizes attractive.

yearsofpain25 posted 6/29/2014 17:15 PM

How much of a turn off is it if a woman is a bit overweight?

For me personally, not at all. I've been with girls of all body types. I can find something to appreciate and get list in with each one. However, I must say super skinny or petite women don't exactly do it for me. I feel like I could break them. I prefer slightly overweight women. Really I don't descriminate against a body type.

FixYou71 posted 6/29/2014 18:31 PM

Ok, I have a question for the menz...

What is it like for you to be faced with knowing your W needs/wants to discuss a heavy relationship issue, one that requires you to give answers you don't want to give? I'm assuming this is probably easier answered by waywards simply because they probably have a bit more experience.
Do you communicate verbally or via email/texts
Do you answer the topic immediately or wait a few days or a week or more until you have the courage, the appropriate wording to respond with etc.
How do you feel physically and emotionally about this type of communicating? Do you feel panicky or nauseous or afraid, tense etc?
Does your wife's feelings factor into the timing of your responses (I.e. knowing she needs the convo does that motivate you to do it sooner or is it so difficult you feel you can't hurry and have the talk?

Brandon808 posted 6/29/2014 18:48 PM

That depends. Knowing she needs to talk usually comes in the form of "We need to talk." and there are precious few phrases that can make a man as nervous as that.
However, I always tried to face those conversations head on. It was often nerve wracking and stressful. I didn't delay it though if she needed to talk.

katiescarlett posted 6/29/2014 18:53 PM

How annoying is it when a woman criticizes her appearance? Or fishes for compliments?

Brandon808 posted 6/29/2014 19:00 PM

How annoying is it when a woman criticizes her appearance? Or fishes for compliments?
Fishing for compliments is something I don't mind. That can be a good opportunity to flirt.
Criticizing her own appearance drives me nuts.

yearsofpain25 posted 6/29/2014 19:49 PM

@Fixyou71 - I'm not a wayward but have some experience here. Last year around this time my wife and I were coming out of our "room mates" phase of our marriage which had been going on for a few years. We turned towards each other and started to work on the marriage. We were both terrified to talk about certain things both in the relationship and also regarding sex. We found a couple of things worked.

1. Using a notebook where we could ask a question and the other could think on it for a few days. I express myself better in writing that verbally. I would say that this method lasted a few weeks. Great as an ice breaker but was slow going.

2. Emails work really well for us and we still use it to this day. Again, expressing myself in writing is better forms than verbally. Also gives more time to think of response rather than saying the first thing that comes to mind. The only disadvantage is that the tone can sometimes get lost. Have to be careful there and got myself into trouble with W when it wasn't what I meant.

3. Verbally is where we mostly are now. Once we learned how to communicate better with each other and got past our inhibitions, verbally is now the preferred method unless the topic may be super heavy then we go back to email for a more thought out response. We have gotten past those bigger issues at this point. At least I hope we have.

Text is no good for us. Too short, no context, loses tone easily.

It was tense at first but we went into it with an open mind and communicated about not taking it personally. Easier said than done sometimes but for the most part we were good about it. And yes my wife's feelings very much factor into all of it, timing of the response and the response itself. Tried to be as honest as possible but still tried to be conscientious about the verbiage used.

Hope that helps.


FixYou71 posted 6/29/2014 21:21 PM

Thanks YOP!
I personally am still mostly in the email phase. I often wonder, especially when reading here about people referencing communication, how others do it, particularly with these tough subject matters. I too feel I am better able to express my truest and deepest feelings in writing. Saying some of those same thoughts face to face is intimidating but I wonder if what I say in writing may get lost on my H, not taken as seriousky as is meant.
I wonder how long it takes most to get responses and if they feel mostly satisfied with the timeliness of them and if the responses themselves are inclusive enough of the original thoughts and/or questions posed.

TheGivingTree posted 6/29/2014 21:24 PM

Thanks for the great responses and honesty, Menz! You gave H and I lots of good conversation this weekend.

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