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User Topic: Ask the menz...
TrulyReconciled
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Member # 3031
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, that was a serious comment about double standards, as in preferring treatment that one is not willing to return in kind, for example "you get to listen to me but I'm not really going to listen to you."

Feminism is another example. I consider myself a feminist, BTW (pro-women's rights). It's a double standard to me to be oriented that way, yet expect a traditional male-female role at other times. This isn't an issue for us, but may be for some.

[This message edited by TrulyReconciled at 2:23 PM, June 30th (Monday)]


"In a time of deceit, telling the Truth is a revolutionary act."

Posts: 21463 | Registered: Dec 2003 | From: Hell and back, way back :o)
JanaGreen
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Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I figured it was a serious comment - sorry, I was trying to be funny and failed . . . I just thought it was interesting that you mentioned it twice. I guess the example you gave really boils down to entitlement?


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 5-year-old daughter. Baby Green 2.0 expected June 2015!!!!!!!!!

Posts: 6937 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
h0peless
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Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are your emotional needs different from your ego needs?

My needs consist of food, water and shelter, so I'm not sure I really understand this question. I don't take compliments well and don't really like to have my ego stroked. On an emotional level, if I were to ever be in a relationship with someone else again, I would want to feel safe, appreciated, loved, like I was important... I didn't have any of that with my ex so I derived a lot of my worth from doing things for her so I could tell myself I was worthy. Not a winning plan in hindsight.

Do you guys feel the answers you've given in this thread would have been different if you had been asked these questions in your 20's?

In my early 20s maybe but not substantially so. I was basically the same person I am now, just a bit less mature. I'm not THAT far from my 20s as it is, so maybe I'd give different answers in 10 years. I don't know.

but according to him and it sounds like to you guys as well, the right thing to do is fake it until I make it with confidence. Right?

Or maybe just try to look at yourself through his eyes. My ex always complained about her weight and she fluctuated throughout our relationship from a size 18 to an 8 (several times, actually.) I always though she was beautiful and so did most other people. Her insecurity about her body was really damaging to her and it got to the point where she resented me telling her I thought she was beautiful when she didn't feel that way. Of course, when her new Dad told her how beautiful she was, it set her heart aflutter, but they were soul mates or some shit.

[This message edited by h0peless at 3:01 PM, June 30th (Monday)]


Posts: 1811 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Baja Arizona
TrulyReconciled
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Member # 3031
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I figured it was a serious comment - sorry, I was trying to be funny and failed . . . I just thought it was interesting that you mentioned it twice. I guess the example you gave really boils down to entitlement?

Yep!


"In a time of deceit, telling the Truth is a revolutionary act."

Posts: 21463 | Registered: Dec 2003 | From: Hell and back, way back :o)
GotPlayed
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Member # 41294
Default  Posted: 4:48 PM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, lots of new questions.

blowjobs, swallow vs not

Who cares? It's like answering whether I want my million bucks in a cashiers check or direct deposit. I'm getting a BJ!!!! The enthusiasm with which you do it does affect me, though. Regarding arousal, pleasure, climax, the answer is yes to all of them. Depends on the mood I guess. Variety is the spice of life.

overweight turnoff

She was always self-conscious about her weight, but I kept telling her that I didn't fall in love with her because of her figure (and I loved her size 16 well-shaped figure).

I was in love, so I didn't care. It was zero turnoff. Now that she's a STBX, I notice a lot more. I don't see her much as I try to remain NC, but either she's a lot bigger than I remember or my detachment makes her seem different, and I notice the flaws now. It's probably just me, my psyche protecting itself. I think attractiveness has nothing to do with weight, unless it's a giant morbidity problem.

How annoying is it when a woman criticizes her appearance? Or fishes for compliments?

I find fishing for compliments cute. A lot less annoying than criticizing her own appearance. Even on the second one, I think it has more to do with how it's done (heartfelt vs whiny tone). With a heartfelt tone, while getting dressed or something, it makes me want to comfort her. With a whiny tone while shopping for clothes, much less so and it can get grating.

Do you guys feel the answers you've given in this thread would have been different if you had been asked these questions in your 20's?

Most of them not, but some of them have been reaffirmed or changed with the wisdom of the A, not just the fact that I'm older now. I was very codependent before A, I've come to find out. I guess that's normal in a long-term M.

on woman on top.. men turn their heads and look away because they are "concentrating?"

I've done this once or twice, if it's too hot and I may finish before it's time. The image of her on top of me can be too intense in a good way. Finishing early would ruin the moment for her.

Did you marry your best sexual partner, or was there someone else who was your best?

I married my one and only. She had more experience. I have no frame of reference but I think we were very good at it.

How does alcohol affect your, uh, performance?

It doesn't. But I'm not an alcoholic, and I don't do the "liquid courage" thing. If I happen to be drunk at the time, I happen to be drunk and that's it.

Body hair on women?

I'm ok with hair in pubic area, but shaven legs and armpits are important to me. Having said that, I enjoy oral sex way better when she's shaved - it's better when I can see exactly what I'm doing, and she said that the feeling of oral sex is more intense with no hair in the middle.


Master of my Fate, Captain of my Soul.
Me: BH 42, Her: WW 41. 18y married
DD: 11/5/13
DS10 Autism, DD8
OM: Ex-con for DV. Now with new ROs!
Divorcing

Posts: 762 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: California
Lonelygirl10
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Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 9:01 PM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've read about half of this thread, and didn't see my question. Sorry if it is in the second half!

How do you feel about women who make more money than you? This seems to consistently be a problem with dating for me, and I avoid money talk. Is there a way to discuss it so that it doesn't bother you? I want to be proud of my accomplishments (like a big bonus), but the past has made me wary of ever bringing up money.

And related question, how do you feel about women paying for stuff? Since I do make enough to support myself, I usually offer to pay for dinner about half the time. Is that okay? My ex used to say that he didn't like me paying for stuff, but I feel guilty if I don't since I do make more than men usually.


30 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1298 | Registered: Jul 2013
saturnpatrick
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Member # 35989
Default  Posted: 9:06 PM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First I made more money. Then FWW made more money. Now I make more money again.

Hasn't really ever bugged me who's making more because I've always kind of seen it as we're two cylinders on the same engine.

I think the only folks who might have some trouble with women making more are single guys who tie a lot of their self worth into how much they make.

[This message edited by saturnpatrick at 9:06 PM, June 30th (Monday)]


BH
I typo therefore I edit.

Posts: 198 | Registered: Jun 2012
plainpain
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Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 9:11 PM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is kind of a trigger question for me... because post-A I have a very hard time with any movies that have couples giving each other intimate glances or kissing or any tortured romantic emotion. So. Generally speaking, when men are watching a movie with their SO and a romantic scene comes on - not explicitly sexual, but charged or romantic - what are you thinking?

Also, when you see your SO naked on top of you, do you compare her mentally in that moment to other women you have been with? I wonder this when I am giving my H a bj... he loves to watch my face and have a lot of eye contact, but I wonder if my face looks weird in that moment compared to other women he has had.


Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
OW:21
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 809 | Registered: Jul 2013
yearsofpain25
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Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 9:27 PM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Money? Nota big deal to me at all. I think saturnpatrick is right in that it's only a problem for men who tie their financial well being to their self worth. In the past (when dating) I may have had an issue with the woman paying but kept to myself. However, the issue was not with money so much as I'm a giver and like to please my partner...so not so much financially related and more of an issue with me.

Watching romantic scenes what am I thinking? Really not much of anything. Well maybe Rachel McAdams is hot or something like that, but generally not comparing to anything if that's what you mean.

Comparing my partner sexually to another while in the act? Can honestly say never. Especially when making eye contact during a bj. Too intimate and my wife (or one if my previous partners) has complete control of me at that point. How could I possibly think of anything other than being completely lost in them? I couldn't possibly nor would I want to. I prefer to be lost in the moment with that person. Nothing weird or odd looking about it. Same when she's on top. I really love enjoying a woman's sexuality when she's on top. It's like I get to be a bit of a voyeur.

[This message edited by yearsofpain25 at 9:29 PM, June 30th (Monday)]


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2351 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
h0peless
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Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 9:31 PM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How do you feel about women who make more money than you?

I'm fine with it as long as you are. There was a year in my relationship with the ex when I had been laid off and was working part time and earned about half as much as her and she made it very clear that she resented me for it. Obviously, I was a little insecure. If I'm with someone who makes more money than I do and doesn't have an issue with that, I would be fine with it.

And related question, how do you feel about women paying for stuff?

I say it's fair play as long as I get to pay for stuff too. Nothing wrong with a partnership.

Generally speaking, when men are watching a movie with their SO and a romantic scene comes on - not explicitly sexual, but charged or romantic - what are you thinking?

"Man, am I glad I get to pick a Monty Python movie tomorrow!"

Seriously, though, I would sometimes get all emotional and romantic feeling towards the ex. Those sorts of scenes made me feel all sappy and in love with her.

when you see your SO naked on top of you, do you compare her mentally in that moment to other women you have been with?

Not at all. I've never compared one woman to another. You're all unique and great in your own way and when you're naked, I'm generally so wrapped up in that particular moment that I can't think of anything else.

[This message edited by h0peless at 9:35 PM, June 30th (Monday)]


Posts: 1811 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Baja Arizona
plainpain
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Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 9:40 PM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is it possible to get bored of looking at the same naked woman every day? What can a woman do to keep herself interesting, after you have done everything over and over again for decades?


Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
OW:21
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 809 | Registered: Jul 2013
saturnpatrick
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Member # 35989
Default  Posted: 9:51 PM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is it possible to get bored of looking at the same naked woman every day?

I intend to find out. So far, not bored at all.


BH
I typo therefore I edit.

Posts: 198 | Registered: Jun 2012
h0peless
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Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 9:53 PM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is it possible to get bored of looking at the same naked woman every day?

Not for me it wasn't. Maybe for others. I don't know.

What can a woman do to keep herself interesting, after you have done everything over and over again for decades?

Just be yourself! We fell in love with you for a reason. I loved my ex even when she was being pretty unlovable.


Posts: 1811 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Baja Arizona
SBB
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Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 10:07 PM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK - something that has always perplexed me. Probably the most TMI question I will ever or have ever asked and I've never had a response that makes sense.

Why are guys so afraid of their own semen? You are not superman and it is not kryptonite. I don't think women react this way about their own taste, do they?

I've only ever come across one guy who was not COMPLETELY freaked out by it and who always kissed me after a BJ (I like to swallow unless you've been eating asparagus, drinking a lot or if you're dehydrated. Eat pineapple if you get reports that it is funky). I'm not talking two girls and a cup - it's all gone.

I love my smell and taste. It rocks my world. I love yours too. Why don't you?


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5662 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
plainpain
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Default  Posted: 10:33 PM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why don't men seem to want or need "date night"? My H never seems to want to take me out - he does it because he feels I need it, but I don't think he ever thinks, "Hey, I want to go out and have some fun with my beautiful wife." Does it make a difference if a woman is looking "date ready"? I am a SAHM and I don't get 'dressed up' unless I know I am going out. I'm wondering if he doesn't think of me as "dating material". :)


Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
OW:21
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 809 | Registered: Jul 2013
h0peless
♂ Member
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 11:22 PM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why are guys so afraid of their own semen?

I don't really like the way it smells but I'm not afraid of it. I guess I'm sort of grossed out about ingesting my own bodily fluids for some strange reason. I don't know why I feel that way because I don't feel that way about the equivalent fluids (if that's such a thing) from the opposite gender... I guess it's sort of an irrational thing.

Why don't men seem to want or need "date night"?

I'm an introvert who likes to spend as much time in the comfort of my own home as possible so once again, I suppose the answer would vary from person to person but I always felt most connected snuggled up on the couch watching an old movie on Netflix or something. It wasn't that I was opposed to dates, and we went on them when we could afford to and were both in the mood, but I'm just as happy to stay at home and relax.


Posts: 1811 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Baja Arizona
spond
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Member # 41686
Default  Posted: 7:24 AM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How do you feel about women who make more money than you?

For along time I brought home more then the wife. Just recently she has started making more then I, it doesn't bother me, we have always shared a bank account and money.

when you see your SO naked on top of you, do you compare her mentally in that moment to other women you have been with?
Never! I'm in the moment with my wife and not thinking about anyone else but her and the awesome feeling.

Why are guys so afraid of their own semen?
I've never had a problem kissing my wife after a BJ or even going down on her after I have gotten off.

[This message edited by spond at 7:25 AM, July 1st (Tuesday)]


BH(me) | fWW
2 Kids - Married 2002
D-Day TT & EA | D-Day #2 PA
Reconciling

Posts: 421 | Registered: Dec 2013
Lucky2HaveMe
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Member # 13333
Default  Posted: 7:40 AM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What is the fascination with your penis? I mean seriously, I don't have any such thing with my lady bits or my breasts like guys seem to have. I mean I was sitting having my coffee & reading paper Sunday morning and Mr Lucky comes out, drops trou and starts dancin & shakin at me - just sayin' good morning he says!

But seriously?


Love isn't what you say, it's what you do.

Posts: 6647 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: WNY
yearsofpain25
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Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 7:51 AM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@plainpain

Is it possible to get bored of looking at the same naked woman every day? What can a woman do to keep herself interesting, after you have done everything over and over again for decades?

Hell no. If I get to see MrsYop naked everyday I consider myself to be a very lucky guy. One of my most favorite things to do is to watch her get ready for work every morning. I don't gawk or anything but I'm always discretely checking her out and it never gets old!!! That said, when she spices it up from time to time with new lingerie in the bedroom, that can go a long way for me. On a side note, one of the women I work with completely changes her hairstyle every few months. Sometimes even the hair color is a complete change. She says she does it because her husband gets to be with a new woman ever few months. Geez what a lucky guy because not only does he get to be with a new woman every few months, but that woman is his wife!


@SBB

Why are guys so afraid of their own semen? You are not superman and it is not kryptonite. I don't think women react this way about their own taste, do they?

I've only ever come across one guy who was not COMPLETELY freaked out by it and who always kissed me after a BJ (I like to swallow unless you've been eating asparagus, drinking a lot or if you're dehydrated. Eat pineapple if you get reports that it is funky). I'm not talking two girls and a cup - it's all gone.

I love my smell and taste. It rocks my world. I love yours too. Why don't you?

I know what you mean by eating asparagus. Same can be said for women. Yes, I do eat pineapple from time to time for this reason. Celery seems to work as a sweetener too. Urban legends that there seems to be some truth too. I would say with MrsYop semen is not an issue as she avoids it. She herself doesn't like it and I'm fine with that. However, in the past, has not been an issue for me to kiss my partner afterwards. Just like this question, I never went looking for it, but never shied away from it either. Doesn't bother me in the least.


@plainpain

Why don't men seem to want or need "date night"? My H never seems to want to take me out - he does it because he feels I need it, but I don't think he ever thinks, "Hey, I want to go out and have some fun with my beautiful wife." Does it make a difference if a woman is looking "date ready"? I am a SAHM and I don't get 'dressed up' unless I know I am going out. I'm wondering if he doesn't think of me as "dating material". :)

One of my love langauages, and my wife's love language is spending time together. This was a complaint that I had, and so did MrsYop, when we were coming out of our "room mates" phase of our marriage. I love date nights. We never had them. MrsYop does not trust anyone with our kids except my MIL. MIL watches the kids during the day M-F so asking MIL to watch the kids is out of the question. We do get out roughly every six weeks or so for an official date night. So, I do try and create other in-house date nights. Sometimes I will ask her to hold off on eating dinner with the kids and let her know it's going to be a late one. I go to the store, pick up a bottle of her favorite champagne, cheeses, spreads, and a few other goodies. Sometimes we will watch tv but mostly we don't and we will spend time together that way. And now that I write about it, I will have to do that again in the near future. I'm taking her away this weekend for a date night for her bday and I'm so looking forward to it. Hotel, dinner reservations, the whole shabang.

That's my romantic side speaking ^^^^. That said, I'm also a home body. Maybe your H is too? Or like h0peless an introvert? Maybe because he's out working all day he doesn't see the same perspective that you do? However!!! That's no excuse. He should enjoy your company and spending time together and getting out to do so. He should want to say this "Hey, I want to go out and have some fun with my beautiful wife." Has he ever said to you that he doesn't like going out with you? I understand wanting to be home, but I would have a hard time believing he doesn't enjoy some time with you out on the town. Have you ever talked to him about it?

eta - fixing quotes

[This message edited by yearsofpain25 at 7:52 AM, July 1st (Tuesday)]


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2351 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 7:57 AM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@Lucky2HaveMe

What is the fascination with your penis? I mean seriously, I don't have any such thing with my lady bits or my breasts like guys seem to have. I mean I was sitting having my coffee & reading paper Sunday morning and Mr Lucky comes out, drops trou and starts dancin & shakin at me - just sayin' good morning he says!
But seriously?

Um...that's funny and would make me laugh, but I wouldn't expect anything in return if I did that to MrsYop. Maybe she would laugh? I don't really have a fascination with my own penis other than to keep it tidy for MrsYop. My fascination is all with her.


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2351 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
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