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User Topic: Ask the menz...
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 8:33 PM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1. Why does shopping for birthday and Christmas gifts for us create so much anxiety?

Answer: Because despite acting happy with your gift, you always (ALWAYS!) seem vaguely disappointed.
2. You say you want to eat healthy so I buy nutritious food but when you go to the store you come home with chips, Beer and BBQ sauce. What gives?
We want to eat healthy, but we want to do it for ourselves. We appreciate the thought, but what we really want is the willpower to be able to do it alone. Also, 'eating healthy' almost never includes guy's nights, or during football games. Those are automatic binge days.
3. Why does it take you 20 minutes to go #2. I have kids to feed and laundry to fold that I need help with! What are you doing in there?
I am on my phone. Or my tablet. Or reading. But the possibility remains that I'm powerwashing my intestines, so it's best to avoid the area and let me be.


I keep my mind on my future/and my eyes on the sky/I don't really smile much/If you were there you'd know why.

Posts: 2164 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: City in the Midwest/Best In The Whole Wide World
redsox13
♂ Member
Member # 43391
Default  Posted: 8:35 PM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why does shopping for birthday and Christmas gifts for us create so much anxiety?

Because there are serious consequences if we screw up, and you want us to get what you want to get without telling us. Were just supposed to know.


2. You say you want to eat healthy so I buy nutritious food but when you go to the store you come home with chips, Beer and BBQ sauce. What gives?

Are you unaware that we want you to get what we want and not what we say we want?

3. Why does it take you 20 minutes to go #2. I have kids to feed and laundry to fold that I need help with! What are you doing in there?

The answer to this question is classified.


BS - 45
WW - 43
In R for 5 years, still hurting but finally letting go

Posts: 262 | Registered: May 2014 | From: nh
Brandon808
♂ Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 8:45 PM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1. Why does shopping for birthday and Christmas gifts for us create so much anxiety?

Answer: Gift shopping is almost of the equivalent of answering "Do these pants make my butt look big?"
2. You say you want to eat healthy so I buy nutritious food but when you go to the store you come home with chips, Beer and BBQ sauce. What gives?

Uhhhh...because those things taste good and wanting to eat healthy and having the willpower to do it are two different things.
3. Why does it take you 20 minutes to go #2. I have kids to feed and laundry to fold that I need help with! What are you doing in there?
I don't know why and even if I did I would expect in depth discussions about our digestive process have something of a high 'Ewww' factor.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3981 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
h0peless
♂ Member
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 10:44 PM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1. Why does shopping for birthday and Christmas gifts for us create so much anxiety?

Because we don't know what you want, we're supposed to and when we screw up it's bad. Like, really bad. And practical stuff (one time I spent all day and a nice chunk of money fixing my ex wife's car air conditioning for a birthday surprise) seems to be frowned upon.

2. You say you want to eat healthy so I buy nutritious food but when you go to the store you come home with chips, Beer and BBQ sauce. What gives?

We're talking about getting chicken and spinach on our pizza instead of sausage and pepperoni.

3. Why does it take you 20 minutes to go #2. I have kids to feed and laundry to fold that I need help with! What are you doing in there?

Pooping, reading, thinking enjoying the silence and solitude, wiping and then washing my hands.

[This message edited by h0peless at 10:45 PM, July 9th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 1727 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Baja Arizona
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 11:09 PM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i gotta say - reading some of the Menz responses about sex here and, in particular, the responses to imissmyhub, have made me realize exactly how immature my WH is.

My IC told me this week that when I get a man with healthy boundaries that's mature and he initiates sex I won't trust it. I won't even know what to do with it because I've never seen it.

I told her I would just drag his ass in to see her and let her put him through the wringer and deem him worthy or not.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
RightTrack
♀ Member
Member # 36976
Default  Posted: 12:27 AM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sex. Quality or Quantity?

Posts: 623 | Registered: Sep 2012
Brandon808
♂ Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 12:39 AM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sex. Quality or Quantity?
I used to think quality but that was when the quantity was low and I was not about pressuring my xww.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3981 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
still-living
♂ Member
Member # 30434
Default  Posted: 2:00 AM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sex. Quality or Quantity?

Both.

However, Kids, work, and chores prevent 100% quality.

And "quickies" now and then in various fashions can really turn me on.

What's different now for me post D-Day, after HB is over, is that I need a greater ratio of quality. I need more quality to validate our marriage is still healthy. This is assuming your definition of "quality" is intimacy. My wife, on the other hand, seems to need less of validation. This change has been a difficult for me.


BH(me)47
WW 47 FOO Issues
DDay 11/09 Coworker
High School Sweethearts
Married 06/91
8 months TT
Sons 19 and 14
Recovery is constructing a pyramid of inference from which to see clearer.
The process involves using the reflexive loop.

Posts: 776 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Ches
MindMonkey
♂ Member
Member # 41679
Default  Posted: 8:53 AM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1. Why does shopping for birthday and Christmas gifts for us create so much anxiety?

I've ALWAYS been a spendthrift. So shamefully I must admit that the things I know she'll love are out of my comfort range. And there's ALWAYS another gift-giving holiday around the corner. I just see dollar signs. I got married on Valentine's Day to save a gift. OK, not the real reason but a hell of a perk.

Sex. Quality or Quantity?

When we were first married W had constant infections, UTI/yeast/BV. So I got used to infrequesnt sex. It's got much better ant the frequency upped to 3-4x week. But in hindsight, it was never quality. I've made mention before that my W never had the big O with me until after Dday#2. Lots of reasons for that but mostly she faked it for 15 years. Now that I think about it, it may explain the infections you know (intercouse before arousal). IDK just thinking out loud.

Since Dday she finally came clean about everything, including the faking. I was like WTF? For 15 years I thought I was some sort of stud but turns out I had some learning to do. But it ain't rocket science. I read a couple of books and forgot EVERYTHING I ever learned from porn. She also had to do some reading. But after the first time she got there it was so obvious what I had to do. She actually counted her orgasms but lost track after 50 or so.

More to the question at hand, I would rather of had sex 1x a week if it was quality for both of us than 5x a week of quality for me.

But overall 3x a week is plenty of frequency for me. So much that if we get to 3x, we generally go ALL out with quality...co-ed shower, massages, oral, inter, toys, cuddling...you know the works.


BH, 35, CoD, Military...sober since 6/17/14
FWW, EA/PA (x2) different OM coworkers
Reconciling since 8/1/13
100% ready to file at next dealbreaker...don't test me.

Posts: 209 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: NoVA
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 9:03 AM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@RightTrack

Sex. Quality or Quantity?

Not choosing because the answer is both. This is something W and I worked on over the past year. For most of our marriage we were sacrificing either one or the other. Turns out, we both want quantity and quality so we worked on having both. It's kinda like asking if you want food or water. You can sort of go with one more than the other for short periods of time, but that's not healthy and why would you? You should have both to be healthy.

Non essential sacrifices can be made in order to have both if time is what is needed.


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2179 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
Camalus
♂ Member
Member # 40199
Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why does shopping for birthday and Christmas gifts for us create so much anxiety?

Gift shopping is a loose/loose proposition for men.

I sometimes think my fWW expects me to be a mind reader. I am not. Even when I spend many hours searching for the 'proper gift' with advice from DD, fWW looks vaguely disappointed while at the same time telling me it is the 'perfect' thing. Asking 'how did you know I wanted this' comes out sounding like 'what on earth made you think I wanted this?'

If we do manage to luck upon the ideal gift, we are expected to 'out do' ourselves the next gift giving occasion that arises.


Me–BS age 61
Her -- WS age 59
Married for 34 years
One child, 30yrs

Her 'A' 1994(?) through 1998
D-Day 7/4/2013 Yes, I didn't find out for almost 15 years... but the pain is just as bad as if she were with him last week.


Posts: 120 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Near Houston Texas
TrulyReconciled
♂ Member
Member # 3031
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sex. Quality or Quantity?

Yes.


"In a time of deceit, telling the Truth is a revolutionary act."

Posts: 21256 | Registered: Dec 2003 | From: Hell and back, way back :o)
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why does shopping for birthday and Christmas gifts for us create so much anxiety?

Lol, HL never has to sweat this issue. I have one thing I want. He says he gets bored, he wants more options and wants to think about it more.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 5044 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 10:24 AM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1. Why does shopping for birthday and Christmas gifts for us create so much anxiety?

Because I cant figure out what WW wants. Jewelry she has specific tastes and chances are good that Id pick out something less than what she wants. Im ok at buying her a coat or a sweater or something like that. But in general her tastes are too specific for me to figure out.

Also. WW shops. I hunt.
I think about the prey I want to catch. I figure out where I might catch that prey. I go there and I bag it. tie it to the hood of my truck and drive home.

WW shops. She wanders around and is only vaguely aware of where she is or what store she is in. It takes her hours and hours. When she tries things on I have to wait for her and oddly enough the womens dressing rooms always seem to be in the panty section of the store and while I wait for her I think everyone is staring at me thinking Im a pervert. Its a horrible experience.

2. You say you want to eat healthy so I buy nutritious food but when you go to the store you come home with chips, Beer and BBQ sauce. What gives?

Saying is not the same as doing.

WW always says she wants to loose weight. So I say she should go with me to the gym and exercise. But she rarely goes. So in reality loosing weight isnt a high priority for her.

Same with me. I may say I want to eat healthy but I will only do so under my terms and when I am ready.

3. Why does it take you 20 minutes to go #2. I have kids to feed and laundry to fold that I need help with! What are you doing in there?

Its quiet in there. No interruptions. No nagging. No fighting children. Its like a mini-vacation.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.

Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.
Friedrich Nietzsche


Posts: 3483 | Registered: Sep 2007
Lucky2HaveMe
♀ Member
Member # 13333
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

May I ask why only sex only happens once a week?

Is once per week really not enough? Specifically for the 50+ set?


Indian wisdom says our lives are rivers. We are born somewhere small and quiet and we move toward a place we cannot see, but only imagine. From Tending Roses

Posts: 6542 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: WNY
RyeBread
♂ Member
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1. Why does shopping for birthday and Christmas gifts for us create so much anxiety?

Because we know that our wive's tend to look way deeper into the meaning of a gift than the actual appreciation of receiving a gift. I always liked getting gifts for my W outside of holiday's. But gift giving holidays create the expectation and pressure to make it memorable. It's hard to be authentic when you are being scrutinized.

2. You say you want to eat healthy so I buy nutritious food but when you go to the store you come home with chips, Beer and BBQ sauce. What gives?

Actually I do buy healthy. Don't get me wrong, BBQ and beer are always on the radar...I just keep it within a balanced approach, I treat them like a reward.

3. Why does it take you 20 minutes to go #2. I have kids to feed and laundry to fold that I need help with! What are you doing in there?

Not me! I get in, do my business, and get out. I have more important things to do than sit in my own stink


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 1030 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Its like a mini-vacation.

I KNEW it!


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

The conditions we face do not define us. They remind us of who we are and who we want to be.


Posts: 5230 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

May I ask why only sex only happens once a week?

Is once per week really not enough? Specifically for the 50+ set?

I think different people have different levels of desire at any age, and one's sitch (working conditions, health, kids, parents, etc.) has an effect on desire.

If once a week really is right for a person, then once a week it should be. But if the person really desires more (or less), then the person has an issue, and I would hope s/he addresses and resolves it.

Sex quantity vs. quality

I can't remember ever having such lousy sex that I wish I hadn't done it. For me, quantity leads to quality, since it's quantity that has taught - and continues to teach, I hope - what works best.

They gotta go together. (JMO, of course)


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10332 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
TrulyReconciled
♂ Member
Member # 3031
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is once per week really not enough? Specifically for the 50+ set?

Ahem! Picking on us again??


"In a time of deceit, telling the Truth is a revolutionary act."

Posts: 21256 | Registered: Dec 2003 | From: Hell and back, way back :o)
cvs2kkids
♂ Member
Member # 41298
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sex. Quality or Quantity?

Can't we have both?

As long as my partner shows enthusiasm, and as long as its fairly regular, than quality.

Bonus for quantity, my endurance builds up to the point where I almost can't O. That becomes a huge turn on when you can have a sex marathon that leaves the lady breathless.


Philippians 4:6-7

6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your mind


Posts: 234 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: NB Canada
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