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User Topic: Ask the menz...
heartbroken2012
♀ Member
Member # 38089
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Its quiet in there. No interruptions. No nagging. No fighting children. Its like a mini-vacation.


BS(Me) - 32
WS(HUbbie) - 40
OW - 44 (a ugly, old, white trash horse faced Coworker)
Affair was 2 months long
3 kids - 5yr old, and twins 8 months
Dday - 12/25/12 (lots of signs before I should have seen)

Posts: 549 | Registered: Jan 2013
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is once per week really not enough? Specifically for the 50+ set?

At issue is the fact that the relationship is between TWO people. each of which may (probably) have different sexual drives regarding frequency.

Before I came along WW had lots of concurrent boy friends / sex partners. She would have different ones once or twice a week. some weeks she would sleep with three or more guys (one at a time) over the course of the week. So she was quite active.

With me frequency has changed over time. When we were young 1 or 2 times a week is all WW wanted. Now we have sex only about 2 times a month.

My appetite has always been higher than hers.

When we were young I hoped that the frequency WW had sex would be the same but I would be her only partner. That didnt happen and I dont really know why.

Even at my current age (mid 60s) Id like sex at least 2 times a week. But WW just isnt interested.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.

Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.
Friedrich Nietzsche


Posts: 3483 | Registered: Sep 2007
cvs2kkids
♂ Member
Member # 41298
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It can be. It's tough to turn off the switch when you're really aroused. Generally, being wrapped up in a woman's arms and legs is extremely arousing

Yes x 1000

That much contact would be considered foreplay by most men. You can have deep kissing and snuggling would be considered affectionate, arms and legs wrapped around each other...can you say blue balls!

Bi-curious

Did have a period where I even had dreams on it about 5 years ago. Now
Never pursued it or plan too. Just had a hypersexualized period that went away.


May I ask why only sex only happens once a week?

That much, you lucky SOB!! There was a thread, I think under S/D, where the author wanted to call their XWH and yell at them for being a shitty lover. I hope I can feel the same in a couple of years.


Philippians 4:6-7

6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your min


Posts: 219 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: NB Canada
Lucky2HaveMe
♀ Member
Member # 13333
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is once per week really not enough? Specifically for the 50+ set?

Ahem! Picking on us again??

I am ONE of you!


Indian wisdom says our lives are rivers. We are born somewhere small and quiet and we move toward a place we cannot see, but only imagine. From Tending Roses

Posts: 6368 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: WNY
kernel
♀ Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 5:05 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why does it take you 20 minutes to go #2. I have kids to feed and laundry to fold that I need help with! What are you doing in there?

The answer to this question is classified.



"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good."

Posts: 5119 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 5:16 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1. Why does shopping for birthday and Christmas gifts for us create so much anxiety?

Because there is sooo much danger involved. The odds of getting it right are not that high. And it's expensive. And because the stores are packed, there's so much chaos all around us, and we're just not that good at it.

2. You say you want to eat healthy so I buy nutritious food but when you go to the store you come home with chips, Beer and BBQ sauce. What gives?

We're weak. And that stuff tastes good.

3. Why does it take you 20 minutes to go #2. I have kids to feed and laundry to fold that I need help with! What are you doing in there?

It usually takes me 30 minutes. I like to read, and the can is not only the quietest place in the house, it has the best lighting for reading.

Sex. Quality or quantity?

Do I have to choose?


Me (BS)-45, WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling

Posts: 1382 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 5:22 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You say you want to eat healthy so I buy nutritious food but when you go to the store you come home with chips, Beer and BBQ sauce. What gives?

Another theory - you have the healthy stuff already covered. Someone needs to buy the comfort food, might as well be us.


Me (BS)-45, WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling

Posts: 1382 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
hopefull77
♀ Member
Member # 43221
Default  Posted: 5:49 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey these 2 pushing 60 take one night off a week...maybe! HB started in 6 days post dday and 20 months later it's still going!


me-BS
him-WS
3 adult children 1D 2S
married-1977
LTA 09-2010 - 11-2012
D-day - 11-11-2012
status - reconciling and very hopeful
"Let Go of Control; Let God's Life Flow" ...Richard Rohr



Posts: 514 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: sunny california
DefiledRage
♂ Member
Member # 39292
Default  Posted: 6:21 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1. Why does shopping for birthday and Christmas gifts for us create so much anxiety?

Mission Impossible.
Spend too much, I've obviously done something wrong that I am now trying to make up for.
Spend too little, I didn't put any thought into it, and "Is this really how much I am worth to you"
Something practical, "Your not romantic at all"
Something romantic (okay something that should be hidden in a shoe box or the back of the closet), "Is this all you think about?"

True story, one birthday she wouldn't stop talking about wanting a new phone, I took it as a hint, got her a new phone. She opened, gave me the who just farted stink face. "Could you get me anything less personal" sarcasm dripping.

At some point I gave up and told her to maintain her amazon wish list. Birthdays and Christmas check.

Fortunately she found her own loop hole for Valentines and Anniversaries.Now she only gets cards on those days. I consider it fallout for sleeping with another man, be happy you still get the card.

2. You say you want to eat healthy so I buy nutritious food but when you go to the store you come home with chips, Beer and BBQ sauce. What gives?

I blame the supermarkets. Little known fact, they play messages over the intercom system...."you need beer, you need chips" How can my puny male brain resist such psychological warfare. See, it's not really our fault after all.

3. Why does it take you 20 minutes to go #2. I have kids to feed and laundry to fold that I need help with! What are you doing in there?

Where else am I supposed to read Divergent, Hunger Games, Percy Jackson, Harry Potter, or the next popular young adult book series. You know all the books my friends would ridicule me mercilessly if I was seen in public reading them.

Plus, the best things come to those who wait Why rush it, could end up pulling a muscle or something.

Is once per week really not enough? Specifically for the 50+ set?

Wait, she's not supposed to use the once a week is enough excuse until 50+? Why do I feel like I'm getting low-balled here?


M:14yrs
Dday 1 EA 7/8/2010
Dday 2 PA 3/1/2013 same OMM for 4yrs

Mister rabbit says, "A moment of realization is worth a thousand prayers."


Posts: 539 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Two blocks from south shit and west hell
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 6:41 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Believe it. That describes me and just about every guy in the Menz thread, at least I think it does. To screw around on my wife would be an unspeakable act of betrayal. I'd never consider it. Forget physical acts of betrayal, in 18 years of marriage, I can't recall a single conversation with another woman that I wouldn't want my wife to overhear.

It is so good to hear this, but so hard to believe it. Just feels like I'll never meet someone like that.

Lonelygirl, where do you typically meet the men in your life? There are plenty of good men of character and integrity out there. But if you look for love in the wrong places (bars, parties, dance clubs), you'll end up with more frogs than princes.

[This message edited by Sal1995 at 6:42 PM, July 10th (Thursday)]


Me (BS)-45, WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling

Posts: 1382 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 8:19 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lonelygirl, where do you typically meet the men in your life? There are plenty of good men of character and integrity out there. But if you look for love in the wrong places (bars, parties, dance clubs), you'll end up with more frogs than princes.

All of my SO's since I was 22 have been through OLD. The men I know at work, church, and the gym are married. So that leaves me with OLD.


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1164 | Registered: Jul 2013
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 9:16 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow Defiled, please know that not all of us are so ungrateful. I'd never buy her another gift again!


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6726 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
trying_2_recover
♀ Member
Member # 28778
Default  Posted: 11:02 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In line with the number of partners. Would you find it weird if a woman you were dating in midlife had only ever been with an ex husband? Would any insecurity she'd have about being with you sexually be looked at as baggage? Or unbearably insecure or????

Posts: 241 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Washington
GotPlayed
♂ Member
Member # 41294
Default  Posted: 11:09 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@trying_2_recover - I hope not. I've only ever been with STBXWW. Then again, I'm probably the wrong guy to ask.

@Lonelygirl10, I met STBX online (no OLD existed way back when but essentially on a non-romantic chat room). I go to church. I would never cheat on a spouse. I'm sure your church has singles groups or something? I don't know about meeting people at the Gym. I haven't tried it.

Heh, yes, men do all our reading in there it seems. It's just so peaceful.


Master of my Fate, Captain of my Soul.
BS 42, WW 41. 18y married
DD: 11/5/13
DS10 Autism, DD8
OM: Reformed wife-beater ex-con
D filed 1/14/14 by WW (never warn them, they'll get ahead)
Married a powder keg

Posts: 727 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: California
h0peless
♂ Member
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 11:14 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In line with the number of partners. Would you find it weird if a woman you were dating in midlife had only ever been with an ex husband? Would any insecurity she'd have about being with you sexually be looked at as baggage? Or unbearably insecure or????

I've been with two women in my life, including the ex. That wouldn't bother me at all.


Posts: 1677 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Baja Arizona
plainpain
♀ Member
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 11:33 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If a man is out with his wife and he notices a young woman sun tanning, and he says to his wife, "Who's that?", like she is somehow supposed to know... and then later when his wife wants to be emotionally honest with her husband and confesses to feeling a tinge of jealousy over that, hoping for maybe a little reassurance of his undying devotion, but the man gets very defensive and acts like the wife is accusing him of something, and he denies up and down that he was checking her out, and then he says, "My eyes are getting bad anyway, remember? I can't see far away."... but you know that his eyes work just FINE looking at far away things, which is why he wears READING glasses.. is he being truthful when he says that he wasn't checking her out? .... Oh, never mind.


Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
OW:21
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 807 | Registered: Jul 2013
capilot
♂ New Member
Member # 43561
Default  Posted: 12:44 AM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1. Why does shopping for birthday and Christmas gifts for us create so much anxiety?

Mission Impossible.
Spend too much, I've obviously done something wrong that I am now trying to make up for.
Spend too little, I didn't put any thought into it, and "Is this really how much I am worth to you"
Something practical, "Your not romantic at all"
Something romantic (okay something that should be hidden in a shoe box or the back of the closet), "Is this all you think about?"

This is super true.

True story:

Once for a girlfriend's birthday, I flew her in a private plane to a convention she wanted to go to. Brought her, her little dog, and all of the artwork she wanted to sell. Paid for the hotel. Paid for everything. Flew home low and slow on the 4th of july and watched the fireworks from the air. When we got home, champagne dinner at the nicest restaurant in town.

Pretty good, hey? Nope. Caught holy hell for the next two weeks because I didn't buy her a present.


Or the time I made an impulse buy of goal earrings for a girlfriend. Again, caught huge grief because I was the insensitive boyfriend who didn't know she didn't like gold.


I could go on and on, but it's getting late. But believe me, there's rarely been a gift-giving event that didn't go horribly wrong in my life.


And my own birthdays haven't always been a lot of fun either. Two years ago, I asked my GF for just one thing: please don't spend my birthday with the other man. And no, I didn't get what I asked for.


Me: bbf 56
Her: wgf 47
Dday: multiple

Posts: 28 | Registered: May 2014
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 7:13 AM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@Lonelygirl10, I met STBX online (no OLD existed way back when but essentially on a non-romantic chat room). I go to church. I would never cheat on a spouse. I'm sure your church has singles groups or something? I don't know about meeting people at the Gym. I haven't tried it.

I'm just going through a pessimistic phase. It's why I love reading here. It's nice to know that there are good men out there. I just haven't personally found one yet. I live in a very small town, so the options are really limited. I think are the good ones are married

Or the time I made an impulse buy of goal earrings for a girlfriend. Again, caught huge grief because I was the insensitive boyfriend who didn't know she didn't like gold.

I'm guilty of being upset at getting a gold necklace since all I ever wore around him was silver. I kept it to myself though, and wore the necklace all the time.

[This message edited by Lonelygirl10 at 7:15 AM, July 11th (Friday)]


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1164 | Registered: Jul 2013
Montreal
♂ Member
Member # 40627
Default  Posted: 7:28 AM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gifts – ugh. My gift buying record is so bad I actually thought it was a cliché. If she is interested in something and I buy something to support that it automatically gets dropped. For example she started gardening, I bought her gardening tools, the garden died. Running? Bought her running gear, running stopped. She said she was so stressed out that she could really use a massage and that we should get a massage together so I bought her a couples massage coupon. It expired two years later. Whatever I buy her seems to end up in the crawlspace gathering dust.

But the best, sarcastically speaking of course, was the joke gift I got her for Christmas one year. A bucket and mop. Ha ha ha. I am so funny, right? For years she would tell everybody what a dolt I was for buying her a mop and a bucket for Christmas. I would just play along in an "aw shucks" goofball kind of way. I thought we were playing an inside joke on everybody. But then, in what turned out to be affair season, she made a comment that was tinged with a bit of anger in it. And it hit me; she didn't get, or more likely forgot, the "joke". You see the same Christmas that I got her the mop and bucket the "kids", who were three and one at the time, got her beautifully framed portraits of the front page of the newspaper from the exact days that they were born. With little gold nameplates at the bottom for each kid. They are hanging in our hallway. Beautiful, thoughtful, personal, expensive. Anybody who sees them thinks they are a great gift. But she had forgotten that I was the one who got them for her. All she remembered was how insensitive I was getting her a mop and a bucket. I put all this thought and effort into a great gift and then years later I had to remind her that I was the one who had gotten it for her.

Not that I am bitter or anything about it.

[This message edited by Montreal at 7:35 AM, July 11th (Friday)]


DDay: July 6, 2013
"not divorcing"

Posts: 86 | Registered: Sep 2013
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 8:10 AM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@trying_2_recover

In line with the number of partners. Would you find it weird if a woman you were dating in midlife had only ever been with an ex husband? Would any insecurity she'd have about being with you sexually be looked at as baggage? Or unbearably insecure or????

Nope. Not "weird" at all. I would look at it as a gift that you were giving me. I would look at you as equally as I have with every partner I have been with. A great learning situation for me and more importantly a great learning situation for us. What are your likes and dislikes that you know about? Then, what don't you know about and find your likes and dislikes there. What are your insecurities, let me show you mine. Notice that all of this has absolutely nothing to do with your "number of partners" and is very much a getting to know you on many different levels. Once you get to "know" someone, the possibilities are infinite despite what ever you think you have as "baggage" or "insecurities". A giving lover will know this and not care about "the number".

KNOW this. Absolutely do not worry about any insecurities or baggage you think you may have. Really doesn't matter to anyone other than you. Relax and be comfortable with yourself. That is more important than anything else.


@plainpain

If a man is out with his wife and he notices a young woman sun tanning, and he says to his wife, "Who's that?", like she is somehow supposed to know... and then later when his wife wants to be emotionally honest with her husband and confesses to feeling a tinge of jealousy over that, hoping for maybe a little reassurance of his undying devotion, but the man gets very defensive and acts like the wife is accusing him of something, and he denies up and down that he was checking her out, and then he says, "My eyes are getting bad anyway, remember? I can't see far away."... but you know that his eyes work just FINE looking at far away things, which is why he wears READING glasses.. is he being truthful when he says that he wasn't checking her out? .... Oh, never mind.

WTH? First off, this H doesn't know his W very well or they would know that saying something like this to her would be upsetting, get her wheels spinning, and possibly have an affect on her insecurities. I would think that for most people this would make them feel a little insecure on some level (man or woman). When she told him how she felt, he should have acknowledged her feelings and not have been so defensive. Instead his reaction in the end was about himself. The fact that he was defensive by trying to play it off says yes, he was totally checking her out.

Now for guy in relationship code. C'mon really? He should know that if you look, you don't give ANY indication that you look because of course it can be varying degrees of hurtful to your partner. Did he miss the class on being discrete about that stuff? Not that I personally check out other women very often, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't every now and again as I can certainly appreciate beauty. There's no way in hell MrsYop is ever going to hear about it. Why do that to her?


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2065 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
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