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Imissmyhusb posted 7/20/2014 11:57 AM

Would u feel that u couldnt trust your wife anymore if u found out she was invading your privacy? Does your answer have any connection to whether u were doing wrong or not?

[This message edited by Imissmyhusb at 11:58 AM, July 20th (Sunday)]

wifehad5 posted 7/20/2014 13:20 PM

Would u feel that u couldnt trust your wife anymore if u found out she was invading your privacy?

The only privacy I ask for is when I'm in the bathroom.

Brandon808 posted 7/20/2014 13:24 PM

Would u feel that u couldnt trust your wife anymore if u found out she was invading your privacy? Does your answer have any connection to whether u were doing wrong or not?
First I'd need to know what you mean by invasion of privacy. What type of "wrong" are you talking about?

wk55hn posted 7/20/2014 14:01 PM

Would u feel that u couldnt trust your wife anymore if u found out she was invading your privacy? Does your answer have any connection to whether u were doing wrong or not?

That's just something cheaters say when they want to keep cheating and you looking at their stuff will make it more difficult for them to keep cheating.

The only time I could see it causing a "lack of trust" is if you promise not to do it, but then do it anyway. Going back on your word, breaking your promises, causes people not to trust you, like, for example, breaking your wedding vows.

h0peless posted 7/20/2014 16:01 PM

Would u feel that u couldnt trust your wife anymore if u found out she was invading your privacy? Does your answer have any connection to whether u were doing wrong or not?

I didn't keep any secrets from my ex when I was married, and I didn't maintain any expectation of "privacy" with her unless I was taking a shit. Marriage shouldn't be about privacy and secrets. I imagine that when that becomes an issue, it's because someone is trying to hide something.

kickintheface posted 7/20/2014 16:55 PM

QUESTION - My WW has done very little to change anything about himself since the A. He wasn't a horrible person by any means, but I now see him as a completely different person. Why would he not be making improvements to try to draw me back to him? It's been 4 years, he is still the same physically and has also not opened up emotionally. Again, not a bad guy but doesn't seem to be putting in any real work. I feel like I have had to make adjustments and have had to learn how to live with the person who ripped my heart out. Why wouldn't he make the effort to step out of his comfort zone and do the things I need, like opening up emotionally.

Also, we have talked about the affair numerous times and he has apologized, but he has never cried and to me that would be showing me that he is opening up completely. He did cry recently but not because of the affair..he cried because I wouldn't have sex with him. (first time he has ever cried in our 13 years together). He is a very affectionate person, I am not (anymore). I need the emotional, he needs the physical. Our love languages are completely different. I know he loves me (in his way) but it's just not enough anymore.

Sorry that was long! I can't get the answers out of him, maybe you guys can give me some insight.

Imissmyhusb posted 7/20/2014 17:19 PM

First I'd need to know what you mean by invasion of privacy. What type of "wrong" are you talking about?

I wouldnt have done it if not for the A, but... Hack into his email and facebook, lie abt talkg to OBS, put him out for a night (mad i kept him from the kids).

Things like this

kickintheface posted 7/20/2014 17:31 PM

In all honesty, after your spouse found out about the affair, when your wife would have sex with you did you see her as weak? Does/did it make you feel powerful that your spouse had sex with you even after the pain that was caused? Does it make her look pathetic?

Or would you have preferred that she stood up for herself and denied sex so she wouldn't feel degraded and like less of a woman?

Brandon808 posted 7/20/2014 17:35 PM

I wouldnt have done it if not for the A, but... Hack into his email and facebook, lie abt talkg to OBS, put him out for a night (mad i kept him from the kids).
Thanks. I didn't want to assume what you were talking about.

My answer is that I don't see it as an invasion of privacy but piercing secrecy. Secrecy he established to conceal his own bad behavior.

I cannot relate to doing what he did. However, I can say that I'd hope that if I broke trust with my SO, for whatever reason, I'd be understanding enough and had enough desire to rebuild trust that not only would I not complain but I'd go out of my way to encourage checking.

Like I said what he did is something is something I have more than a little difficulty in relating to.

wk55hn posted 7/20/2014 17:51 PM

He did cry recently but not because of the affair..he cried because I wouldn't have sex with him.

I don't know if you were trying to funny with that, but it made me laugh.

Why wouldn't he make the effort to step out of his comfort zone and do the things I need, like opening up emotionally.

I don't know the answer to this, but apparently there is no penalty for not doing so. Maybe cutting off the sex will get him to wake up. But I don't really think so.

Was he always emotionally closed off, even before the affair? Maybe that's just who he is. Where I'm from I've heard the phrase that there are two motivators, greed and fear. He seems like he's happy with things the way they are, doesn't care if things improve, and he's not afraid of losing anything. He's not motivated.

What does he say the reason is he doesn't change?

kickintheface posted 7/20/2014 18:19 PM

WK...

There has been no sex for about 4 months (which I am fine with, no longer attracted to him on many levels). The last few times I ended up feeling like a piece of shit and I promised myself that I would never give up my self worth again for his sexual needs.

He does think our marriage is fine though he knows I am not happy. I was such a happy-go-lucky person before all this...now I am bitter and cold.

He wasn't a super emotional guy before, but he shared his feelings, dreams, etc with me with little prompting. He shut down when the EA started and he can't explain why he was able to be so open with her but cannot be emotionally available to me. (She was his ex-fiance who really screwed him over with cheating on him, getting pregnant, convincing him the kid was his, then saying it wasn't, marrying the other guy who was my husbands friend). They started their EA that lasted for 6 months before I found out. We were doing going with healing and focusing on our marriage until a year later when she sent an email saying that her then 11 year old son was likely his. Test confirmed that my husband is the bio dad and things fell apart from there. Having her in my life forever because our children our linked together has really killed any progress we made in our marriage. We don't even see her or the kid (he is legally the other guys kid and they want to keep it that way) but once we found all this out, he shut down even more.

There have been no consequences for his actions...just a moody wife. I was a SAHM for 7 years so I have no way to leave and he knows it. I have returned to school and am working full-time. He knows my intent is to leave when the youngest is older. I think my husband and I could get a long just fine as friends...but the marriage thing isn't working out so mcuh.

kickintheface posted 7/20/2014 18:20 PM

WK,

Unfortunately I wasn't trying to be funny...he seriously did cry about that and I have turned him down numerous times. But something about that night made him cry for about a whole minute.

sarahstar posted 7/20/2014 18:53 PM

Question: How can you still love your wife but get aroused and enjoy sex with another woman? Is it 'just sex' thing for men? Is it that easy? My husband said it was just sex with the prostitute but he still kissed her boobs.
As a female, it would feel wrong to have sex with another man without having feelings involved.

Brandon808 posted 7/20/2014 19:03 PM

Question: How can you still love your wife but get aroused and enjoy sex with another woman? Is it 'just sex' thing for men? Is it that easy? My husband said it was just sex with the prostitute but he still kissed her boobs.
Honestly this strikes me as more of a question for WH's and not really a menz question. I know for me I need to have some sense of connection to enjoy sex.

sarahstar posted 7/20/2014 19:12 PM

yeah possibly is. I was just thinking of men in general though.

wk55hn posted 7/20/2014 19:13 PM

kick, I'm sorry. That's a really complicated situation. I have to admit, I feel a little bad for your husband. I can't imagine in a million years why he went back to that other woman who had betrayed him so badly to begin with. And now he can't have her and he can't have you either. Plus he now found out that he has a son he's not allowed to see. And his top need is sex and now he's not getting any. I know there's an old saying, you made your bed, now you lie in it, but damn.

I really really really feel bad for you being caught in the middle of this through absolutely none of your own doing. The only advice I can think to give is to keep on trying to communicate with him what you need. That sounds like really weak advice but it's all I've got.

Brandon808 posted 7/20/2014 19:32 PM

kick,
I am only speculating but it strikes one possibility (not saying it's likely) is that he is in preservation mode. By that I mean the WS tries to desperately maintain the status quo and really change nothing. Why? They are with their BS and feel like trying to do more to improve things could just make it worse. Some WS feel such shame, remorse and guilt they second guess themselves for a long time. They feel they can't trust their own judgment. Even if the change is something their BS explicitly asks for they can feel they'll make a mistake in how they make it happen.

StillGoing posted 7/20/2014 19:43 PM

Would u feel that u couldnt trust your wife anymore if u found out she was invading your privacy? Does your answer have any connection to whether u were doing wrong or not?

Well yeah. There's nothing off limits. I don't think she wants to hang around while I'm [SECRET GUY STUFF] in the bathroom but whatever.


Question: How can you still love your wife but get aroused and enjoy sex with another woman? Is it 'just sex' thing for men? Is it that easy? My husband said it was just sex with the prostitute but he still kissed her boobs.
As a female, it would feel wrong to have sex with another man without having feelings involved.

This isn't a guy question, I agree with Brandon. It's like putting this into the Ask the Womenz thread:

"Question: How can you still love your husband but get aroused and enjoy sex with another man? Is it 'just sex' thing for women? Is it that easy? My wife said it was just sex with the boss but she still said ILU.
As a man, it would feel wrong to have sex with another woman without having feelings involved." I am assuming you wouldn't have an answer because it's not anything you could identify with on a gender basis, despite being a female. The same goes the other way.


The BS questions for WS thread in ICR would be a good place to bring that one.

http://survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=534748

[This message edited by StillGoing at 7:43 PM, July 20th (Sunday)]

sarahstar posted 7/20/2014 19:48 PM

Stillgoing, thanks for that. I will have a look at the thread you mentioned. Yes, I understand what you mean.

h0peless posted 7/20/2014 22:16 PM

My WW has done very little to change anything about himself since the A. He wasn't a horrible person by any means, but I now see him as a completely different person. Why would he not be making improvements to try to draw me back to him? It's been 4 years, he is still the same physically and has also not opened up emotionally. Again, not a bad guy but doesn't seem to be putting in any real work. I feel like I have had to make adjustments and have had to learn how to live with the person who ripped my heart out. Why wouldn't he make the effort to step out of his comfort zone and do the things I need, like opening up emotionally.

In all honesty, after your spouse found out about the affair, when your wife would have sex with you did you see her as weak? Does/did it make you feel powerful that your spouse had sex with you even after the pain that was caused? Does it make her look pathetic?

How can you still love your wife but get aroused and enjoy sex with another woman? Is it 'just sex' thing for men? Is it that easy? My husband said it was just sex with the prostitute but he still kissed her boobs.
As a female, it would feel wrong to have sex with another man without having feelings involved.

You all might have more luck with the answers to these questions in the "BS questions for WS" thread down in ICR. Most of the guys posing on this thread were the faithful partner and can't really relate to either of these questions given their experiences.

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