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Notthevictem posted 11/21/2014 09:12 AM

But could my body really be the only one he thinks about?

Yes. All the time every time? IDK. A lot of times when I fantasize it's not even about a person I know, but a situation, i.e. having a harem, etc. in a dream in the early morning where I don't even remember much. Hope this helps.

Has anyone ever tried it and NOT liked it?

Didn't like it, or rather the way my who-diddy smelled when it was over.


In her relationship with you, what things do you wish your partner were more thankful for (aside from your fidelity)?

A whole lot of things. Little stuff like mowing. When she was a SAHM and I was working, she showed almost no appreciation for me busting my hump at work to support the family and focused only on her doing the dishes. Congrats, you put the dishes up from the dishwasher and then watch 6 hours of TV while I worked. LOL, not that all SAHM's are like that, just mine. Most of all, I would like that she appreciated who I was, what I would be willing to do for her, how I felt about her. If she truly had appreciated those things, she might not have become my WW. This could turn into a never ending list, so I'll stop here, lol.

I guess I'm curious if you think more than 50% of the guys are able to move on without comparing past experiences in new ones, as compared to women. Do you think it's easier to move on and let things go for you guys?

Is it easier to move on? Not for me. The comparing thing... I don't know about other guys, but I definitely don't compare my WW to past relationships. Everyone's different. What would it matter if one was a better or worse at something, there is no going back.... that's not to say I wouldn't put what I learned from the past to use in the present. I'm sure any of the women I've been with since the first one to show me where her clit was have appreciated it.


Brandon808 posted 11/21/2014 10:08 AM

@forgivingishard

Has anyone ever tried it and NOT liked it?

If she didn't like it I certainly couldn't enjoy it. When my SO and I did try it and she showed any sign of it being uncomfortable or even painful and I didn't have to worry about stopping. I completely lost my erection.
My take on it is that he can't stomach the idea of hurting you. Hurting the AP with that act? Not so much concern there. He was using her.

@chinadoll30

But could my body really be the only one he thinks about?

Yes. It wasn't until I started feel disconnected from xww that being attracted to her became an issue. They always affair down remember? So it is possible that is true. You'd have to poly him to be sure imho.

@Butterflygirl

I guess I'm curious if you think more than 50% of the guys are able to move on without comparing past experiences in new ones, as compared to women. Do you think it's easier to move on and let things go for you guys?

I think guys just won't talk about it and stuff it down but do make those comparisons at least for a while.

@silverhopes

In her relationship with you, what things do you wish your partner were more thankful for (aside from your fidelity)?

Her verbal gratitude wasn't the problem. She never backed it up with actions. I worked 2 and 3 jobs and she didn't do her part to take care of the family.

StillGoing posted 11/21/2014 10:28 AM

Has anyone ever tried it and NOT liked it?

Not really my thing, but that's because it's not really her thing. Sometimes it's on the table because the idea of the whole total trust thing is sexy and while it can be fun, I really hate all the fucking lube.


In her relationship with you, what things do you wish your partner were more thankful for (aside from your fidelity)?

Is this like a "I wish she'd appreciate me for [insert thing like mind/humor/mid-to-small-range- penis here]" kind of thing? I dunno. I never really thought about that. I mean I have wished that our kids appreciated the shit we do for them but I kind of assumed she was aware of these things and appreciated them according to her personal take on shit.

forgivingishard posted 11/21/2014 10:32 AM

Brandon808 - Thank you for what you said in your response. Thank you to everyone else who has answered also. The frankness is appreciated.

[This message edited by forgivingishard at 10:33 AM, November 21st (Friday)]

HeartFullOfHoles posted 11/30/2014 02:05 AM

I've been away for a bit so some catch up.

I personally found the men and change quotes offensive. Yes sometimes we as men are more focused on things other than relationships and I personally struggle at times expressing my feelings, but I am not emotionally stunted or lacking self awareness. A marriage is supposed to be a partnership and that isn't one of the partners trying to be the reference standard for what's acceptable and unacceptable. Is invalidating my feelings any better than me getting angry over this invalidation? Both are wrong and my anger was not the only problem in the marriage. Learning to call her out was my liberation and also the end of our marriage because as an unremorseful WW she couldn't accept I wasn't mostly responsible for the problems in our marriage and hence her EA.

Her dress was fine if all you enjoyed was pajamas/sleep ware and I'm not talking about lingerie. When I see her lately she's wearing new clothing and a heavily padded (just another lie) bra. I find it all pathetic and typical of her recent behaviour.

I would never be described as messy and I take care of my own messes when they do happen.

Regarding sexual adventure (BJs, etc.). My STBXWW was adventuresome during our courtship, but once we were married that along with frequency changed significantly. In hindsight is seems like another manipulation, but I'm likely oversensitive because of other things she has done. I agree with the others, a major part of my enjoyment is knowing that my partner is also enjoying herself. In the past I focused on her enjoyment and often only got a quickie at the end. After her EA I recognized this as just another manifestation of her self-centered (it's all about her) attitude.

Looking may have less to do with the scale then just enjoying something specific about that particular person. I know woman have a problem with this and for the most part I do not look when I'm with someone and don't leer ever, but men are visual creatures and we notice things we like. Maybe think of it this way, your husband could write a romantic poem and it would be extra special because it was from him, but if you then went to a poetry reading would you appreciate a romantic poem from a noted poet in a different way? I'm guessing you would. For me woman are similar, I love the one I'm with because she is connected to me, though I may still appreciate the form of another woman, but in a different way.

I find pregnant woman who do not put on too much weight during pregnancy sexy. There's something special about someone bringing a new life into the world.

I'm attracted to the total package and looks at some level are part of the package. I believe too much of a difference in the perceived scale is an issue. If she's a 5 and I'm a 9 and I'm with her because of confidence issues then that will likely cause other problem in our relationship. Note I said perceived. Some people may on average be called a 5, but if they think and act like they are a 7 then that can change things. The converse can also be true, you're on average a 7, but you feel and act like a 5. Regarding looking at 5's I'm guessing there is some feature they have that is appealing (e.g. very nice breasts, a spectacular body, a cute smile, etc.).

I've never had crusty underwear just from looking or for that matter talking. For me crusty would require much more stimulation than that. Now a visual clue that I'm attracted is a different story, but sometimes that happens for no apparent reason so is not always an accurate indicator.

STBXWW never swallowed. Either spit all over me or had a hand towel (preferred). Being willing was enough for me, but swallowing adds another dimension to the enjoyment.

I think curvy has a strong personal preference. I prefer some curves, but that being said, for me there can be too much of a good thing in regards to curvature. I'm definitely not into the big booty that some find appealing and yes even breasts can be too big, but I'm fairly sure all those are fake anyway and who wants to be with someone who has that big of a self esteem issue. I also don't find a bunch of rolls attractive, but a flat stomach is not required either. My basic rule is your belly shouldn't extend out more than your chest and that applies to me as well.

I can only speculate that he may have wanted to have anal with you, but out of respect thought you were not really interested and only accommodating him. With OW it may have been different or he may not have cared enough about her to consider her feelings (i.e. she was just a sexual object).

Her betrayal will not define who I am, but it has left permanent scars and sensitivities that I expect will effect any future relationships. These sensitivities will likely fade over time, but it's going to take an extra special women to get me interested in a relationship once I'm divorced. A shorter duration marriage/relationship may be different and I'm certain it is dependent on the person. Personally this has been a devastating experience for me.

Appreciation is a big one for me as well. I worked hard to allow her to be a SAHM and we still had a privileged life (6k sf house on acreage). I helped out around the house and did almost all the outdoor chores (including chopping cords of wood to heat the house because she liked it warm and then she'd complained that I only did it to save money). She usually complained about what I didn't get done instead of appreciating what I did do.

HouseOfPlane posted 11/30/2014 11:42 AM

I know anal has already been discussed... but this is a little different. Has anyone ever tried it and NOT liked it?

I never had any great super desire to, but my wife basically offered it up. I've known that at the moment of orgasm, she gets those contractions, and if I happen to just touch her righttt there, you can feel them and it is definitely more intense for her. So without ever saying a thing (the words 'anal sex' have only ever been said in our house via the TV and HBO) she made it clear that I was cleared in hot. It was pretty exotic in a "I've certainly never done that before" kind of way, and she enjoyed it. But another time she said it was hurting, and I stopped then and didn't have any desire to since. I was always worried a little that it was just an offering rather than something she wanted.

My friend told me the story of accidentally going that route, and his wife's response was Get.It.Out.Now.

But could my body really be the only one he thinks about?

Jimmy Carter admitted to lusting after Playboy playmates, and he is almost Jesus. My wife is addicted to romance novels, and I just assume that sometimes I am serving as Buck the Horse Wrangler With a Dark Past but Who Secretly Has a Heart of Gold if Just the Right Woman Enters Into His Life. I'll even check out the sex scene in the book (they all have them...guys...they are the women version of porn...tells you exactly what women want) and then recreate them a little without telling my wife. Kind of freaks her out a bit. Wha...?

lordhasaplan? posted 11/30/2014 12:28 PM

No, they are perfect because they are yours and he loves your boobs. A,B orC cups. Doesn't matter

Tickingtock posted 12/3/2014 18:53 PM

My wife is addicted to romance novels, and I just assume that sometimes I am serving as Buck the Horse Wrangler With a Dark Past but Who Secretly Has a Heart of Gold if Just the Right Woman Enters Into His Life. I'll even check out the sex scene in the book (they all have them...guys...they are the women version of porn...tells you exactly what women want) and then recreate them a little without telling my wife. Kind of freaks her out a bit. Wha...?

Heehee. That's pretty awesome. And yes, they all have sex scenes. As far as comparing it to porn? That's iffy for me. I think you could make the comparison if you're talking about mild porn use. But some porn stars have huge followings, and I think if you're cyber-stalking a porn star or making sure you've seen all her "movies," then it's nothing like reading a book with a make-believe man who seduces a woman he's falling in love with.

However, I think the results may be exactly the same: unrealistic expectations, which can be extremely harmful for a marriage.

Question: What do you consider "vanilla sex?"

Imissmyhusb posted 12/4/2014 11:32 AM

Piggyback on question abt being thankful...is saying thank you enuf? What else does she hav to do to make you feel apprec and acknowledged?

And im curious abt vanilla sex as well

sisoon posted 12/4/2014 16:59 PM

'Vanilla sex' implies 'not very exciting' to me, and I don't think there's a sexual act I've ever done that I want to have missed.

IOW, I don't use the term.

yearsofpain25 posted 12/4/2014 17:53 PM

Question: What do you consider "vanilla sex?"

Me personally? What do I consider vanilla sex? Answer: bringing vanilla ice cream to the bedroom (use your imagination) Or if it's morning sex I'll add vanilla extract to the French toast batter when I make us breakfast afterwards. Or if it's evening sex I'll add vanilla extract to the cookie batter so we can have cookies afterwards.

What, not what you were looking for? Then I agree with Sisoon. Not a term I use. Mix it up. Add some "spice" or be "adventurous" which can mean a lot of different things to a lot of people just as "vanilla" sex could mean a lot of different things to different people. Only missinary? Same exact way every time? A quickie? Not exciting? It's all relative I guess to the person that uses the term.

yop

h0peless posted 12/4/2014 17:58 PM

Question: What do you consider "vanilla sex?"

I suppose that would be the times Hershey's Syrup isn't used... or something. I've never used the term.

Piggyback on question abt being thankful...is saying thank you enuf? What else does she hav to do to make you feel apprec and acknowledged?

An occasional thank you would have been nice. A hug to go along with it would have been even better.

shiftingsand posted 12/4/2014 23:05 PM

Ok new question.

My H told me that he started shaving his pubic hair because he never liked hair. Um.. as we have been together for 18 years and this is the FIRST I"ve heard of it... I would like to have some input from you guys... as I really don't think he is being honest about this. I should put a caveat that um.. he didn't tell me.. and had become quite modest in the shower lately...

Imissmyhusb posted 12/10/2014 06:35 AM

Thanks menz!!
((( big big hugs )))

ChangeMaker posted 12/10/2014 08:00 AM

I only ever trimmed and/or shaved (which I hated) my pubic hair after asking my spouse (or girlfriend) if she wanted me to, or after her asking me to.

In my experience, in talking with all of my buddies, the ones who trim are either like me, and do it for their partner, or they do it all the time, and have always done. Even the ones who have always done do it for their partners, not because they don't like hair.

[This message edited by ChangeMaker at 8:02 AM, December 10th (Wednesday)]

gypsybird87 posted 12/22/2014 12:30 PM

Menz....

When you are seeing someone, and you're not yet"committed" (ie- bf/gf), but also not seeing anyone else, how much contact do you stay in? Do you call and/or text every day? Multiple times a day? Every other day? I'm trying to get a read on what is normal or comfortable for most guys.

Thanks!

gypsybird87 posted 12/22/2014 16:52 PM

Bumping... because I'm really hoping for some input on the above question.

Brandon808 posted 12/22/2014 16:58 PM

When you are seeing someone, and you're not yet"committed" (ie- bf/gf), but also not seeing anyone else, how much contact do you stay in? Do you call and/or text every day? Multiple times a day? Every other day?
No less frequent than every other day.

devotedman posted 12/22/2014 17:19 PM

When you are seeing someone, and you're not yet"committed" (ie- bf/gf), but also not seeing anyone else, how much contact do you stay in?

It can depend. Keep in mind that I'm a one-at-a-time dater.

Between first date and second sometimes the full week or two between the dates. Between second and third, usually a call or two (assuming weekend dates). 7 or so dates and up, daily contact at least.

Also, I'm not a texting sort. My preferred communications order is: Face to face; telephone call; email; text; snail mail; message in a bottle.

healingroad posted 12/22/2014 21:21 PM

I try to check in daily or so, usually with a text, with anyone I'm really interested in. If it tips my hand, so be it. I'm not a player.

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