Return to Forum List

Return to General

SurvivingInfidelity.com® > General

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

Ask the menz...

Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

SpecialK posted 2/15/2015 13:30 PM

Also, that doesn't sound like the wild, no holes barred, wrestling match that sexual romps should be. The intimacy you can get by spending a couple of hours or so exploring, pleasuring, and bonding feels wonderful.

And yet, HE's the one who cheated! I'm screwed (no pun intended)aren't I?

sisoon posted 2/15/2015 14:09 PM

SpecialK, this makes sense to me only if the guy is in his sixties.

?!?

Imissmyhusb posted 2/15/2015 14:41 PM

Hello again menz,

My son is almost five. He is startg to play w his sisters more aggressvly, startg to lie and talk back. His teachers express that he doesnt hav good focus and discipline at school. I hav been told that 'hes a boy' and this is how boys are. Not entirely true, i know.
WH doesnt spend alot of time w him and doesnt follow when i present these issues. Idk how he would guide him on tellg the truth when he cant seem to do it the aggressv play and talkg back r dealt w as needed. The focus and discipline... Well, WH isnt proactv at all w this. He will get upset w DS when he loses focus but is doing nothg to help him learn focus. It upsets me when all he does is bark at the kids but spends no little correctg them

I want my son to grow strong in all the right ways. Idk if WH has the tools to help him. Is it wrong for me to set it up so other men (family and friends) hav an influence? I feel like WH will get upset at another man steppg in. For example, send DS to spend the day w a respected cousin or uncle.

feelinghurt10 posted 2/15/2015 17:48 PM

Another question... Probably mostly For the BS guys here... I've read that some have encountered those incidents where your are in the midst of being intimate with a date and the mind begins playing its tricks on the BS and everything goes downhill from there, and performance issues ensue.

Do you attribute this at all to the woman you are with? What is it that gets into your head ? Just confusion? Triggers?

I had a similar situation with a guy who is a BS recently, and although we ended up working it all out, I couldn't help feeling that it was something about me

devotedman posted 2/15/2015 19:13 PM

Imissmyhusb said:

Is it wrong for me to set it up so other men (family and friends) hav an influence? I feel like WH will get upset at another man steppg in.

No, not wrong at all. A very good idea, in fact. No More Mr. Nice Guy supports that with the opinion that young boys do not have male role models in their life enough.

Modeling after family figures is how children learn behavior. Make sure the figures you choose have the authority to correct the child and that the child knows it.

devotedman posted 2/15/2015 19:23 PM

feelinghurt10 said:

in the midst of being intimate with a date and the mind begins playing its tricks on the BS and everything goes downhill from there, and performance issues ensue.

Twice in my life I've had performance problems. First time was about age 18. My GF was on top and just started complaining. I mean, really complaining. About the way I acted, how committed I was, just the whole ball of was. Suddenly things became, detumescent?, and then she hit me.

Second time was the last few months with xWGF. I knew that something bad was going on with this guy, but she told me there wasn't, but I could see that... My mind would start and my body wouldn't. Even Cialis didn't help. Odd thing was masturbation wasn't affected at all. I checked.

Do you attribute this at all to the woman you are with?

In the first case, yes. In the second case, my head knew something was going on. She was still as beautiful and attractive to me, but the questions would start in my head and...

What is it that gets into your head ? Just confusion? Triggers?

Anything, really. The old half-joke among guys is that when you're getting ready to orgasm and you don't want to yet just chant "Baseball. Baseball. Baseball." Confusion, triggers, anxiety, stress, just about anything. Worrying about performing is especially troublesome because it is self-reinforcing. You have a problem, so you worry about it the next time, which causes you to have a problem, so now twice in a row and then next time... three times in a row and then oh, god, not that, I'm too young and four times in a row. Vicious circle.

I had a similar situation with a guy who is a BS recently, and although we ended up working it all out, I couldn't help feeling that it was something about me

No, not at all something about you. His mind started up. I don't, but perhaps he viewed the WS as having emasculated him, lots do this. At that point since he's not a man and, oh, god, can I perform ever again and... he doesn't.

Good on you for working it out with him. That'll really help far more than letting things stop and saying kind things.

devotedman posted 2/15/2015 19:34 PM

SpecialK commented:

devotedman said:
Also, that doesn't sound like the wild, no holes barred, wrestling match that sexual romps should be. The intimacy you can get by spending a couple of hours or so exploring, pleasuring, and bonding feels wonderful.

And yet, HE's the one who cheated! I'm screwed (no pun intended)aren't I?

Well, that's a tough nut to crack.

And yet that does sound difficult. What happens if you try to *ahem* change things up a bit *ahem* anyway?

For instance, what happens if you try performing oral on him (if you're at that stage of your M yet after Dday)?

Formydaughters posted 2/15/2015 19:59 PM

Feelinghurt10,

Please don't think it has anything to do with you. It doesn't and if you let him feel you are thinking that way it will get worse. Give it time, it will work itself out but don't be surprised if out if the blue it happens again. As a BS, I had all kinds of issues for 2 and a half years after. Only with compassion, understanding and love things became better. All issues were 100% about triggers that had nothing to do with the person I was with. It was all about the PTSD that goes along with discovery.

Time does heal.

[This message edited by Formydaughters at 7:19 AM, February 16th (Monday)]

1day@athyme posted 2/15/2015 22:41 PM

On the topic of performance issues, what if the change is not losing an erection, but finishing quickly...within minutes of starting foreplay. (And this is a change from the previous norm.) Stress? Age? Other?

Formydaughters posted 2/16/2015 07:25 AM

If he's finishing early and this is a new development post discovery he maybe reacting to stress or even a lack of compassion. It really depends on which side he's on. If he was the WH then I would give it time and eventually talk to him about it. If he was the BH then he's definitely going through a high amount of stress. He may need an IC to help wrap his head around he newly defined intimate relationship you have. And I guess that's the point. Post DDay intimacy is now completely different. Hopefully it's something that can endure. It did not in my case. I hope for you it does.

Best of luck

[This message edited by Formydaughters at 7:26 AM, February 16th (Monday)]

HeartFullOfHoles posted 2/17/2015 18:03 PM

SpecialK, I'm working on the second half of a century and all I can say is I hope that never describes me. I'm guessing there are other issues at play here.

Imissmyhusb, I only have daughters, but I can't imagine you could have too many good role models in a persons life. I have a good relationship with my Grandfathers so that worked well for me.

feelinghurt10, no new intimate relationships since her affair so just speculation based on trying to interact with her after the affair. Triggers and anxiety are what I would expect. I'm sure the only thing you may have contributed was doing something that could have triggered him and that's not your fault, though It would be nice if you were sensitive to his triggers once you know about them.

1day@athyme, I believe sudden performance changes are almost always anxiety or medical related.

HeartFullOfHoles posted 2/17/2015 18:07 PM

Other2014, missed your question, though I have no basis to answer it and expect I never will.

Imissmyhusb posted 2/17/2015 18:32 PM

Thanks for your replies

Notthevictem posted 2/18/2015 07:48 AM

1) should I try to broach the subject of what sorts of touch would lead to higher probability when we're not in the throes?

I would say it depends on the circumstances. The level of intensity, the communication. For example, if I'm in the mindset of getting it like a racehorse, the last thing I want to hear is "a little to the left". But if we're getting into it slow and talking about it as we go, no prob.

2)would it bother you if a toy was "necessary". Like, would you be somehow insulted? threatened? I dunno...disappointed? Just happy SOMETHING worked for christ sake?

Sorry if it's TMI, but it depends on the toy, I think. For me, I equate most toys women use to men using porn. Some types can be used as a couple (i.e. vibrating cock ring). If she pulled out a 20 inch double-sided dildo... I probably would be insulted.

The biggest thing about most toys for me is they seem like they are just for HER pleasure. If she took a greater interest in pleasing me, I would do more to please her, and... well you get where I'm going.

Also, I agree with:

Toys have become an intimacy killer much like porn.

If a condom is the only means of birth control for you and your partner, would you rather have sex using a condom or not have sex?

Loaded question. Try again with what you really mean.

if another man told you he wasn't into masturbation, oral (giving or receiving), could only "come" in one position, what would you think??

He's either lying, weird, or some combination of the two.

I'm screwed (no pun intended)aren't I?

Sounds like it.

it wrong for me to set it up so other men (family and friends) hav an influence?

Family, yes. Sports teams have coaches that really help. Martial arts should help. Anything else, well...

Do you attribute this at all to the woman you are with? What is it that gets into your head ? Just confusion? Triggers?

I can't control when or where I have triggers. They just happen. If you aren't his WW (or I guess depending on the situation a WW), its not about you.

what if the change is not losing an erection, but finishing quickly...within minutes of starting foreplay. (And this is a change from the previous norm.) Stress? Age? Other?

Lack of practice most likely. If that happens, try to get it up again for a round two... you'll be a hero. I'll mail you a medal. Print you a certificate of cumpletion.

Other2014, I have no basis to answer your question. But I will say that he sounds like a nutjob. There's no way any man would think that a prostitute would be cleaner. That's plain ole bullcrap. So let me get this right, he paid money to please them? That doesn't pass the "it makes a fucking lick of sense" test. Sorry.


Hope this helps.


TrulyReconciled posted 2/18/2015 08:36 AM

SpecialK, this makes sense to me only if the guy is in his sixties.

Sixty is the new forty, just saying,

Good1 posted 2/18/2015 11:23 AM

Hi Menz,

My therapist recommended my WW and I read the book The New Male Sexuality in hopes my husband can work through his feelings of inadequacy in the bedroom. Just wondering if anyone has read it and any thoughts on its contents?

StillGoing posted 2/18/2015 11:43 AM

My son is almost five. He is startg to play w his sisters more aggressvly, startg to lie and talk back. His teachers express that he doesnt hav good focus and discipline at school. I hav been told that 'hes a boy' and this is how boys are. Not entirely true, i know.
WH doesnt spend alot of time w him and doesnt follow when i present these issues. Idk how he would guide him on tellg the truth when he cant seem to do it the aggressv play and talkg back r dealt w as needed. The focus and discipline... Well, WH isnt proactv at all w this. He will get upset w DS when he loses focus but is doing nothg to help him learn focus. It upsets me when all he does is bark at the kids but spends no little correctg them

I want my son to grow strong in all the right ways. Idk if WH has the tools to help him. Is it wrong for me to set it up so other men (family and friends) hav an influence? I feel like WH will get upset at another man steppg in. For example, send DS to spend the day w a respected cousin or uncle.

Personally I think the whole gender identity bullshit is just that, people are people. The "that's how boys are" thing is mainly just people trying to be sympathetic and demonstrate that they don't think you're a total crazy fuckup as a parent, though.

Children model after the people in their lives. While you may introduce other men to him, if your WH is his dad and is at all involved... he's going to model after your WH. Basically your WH needs to pull his shit together and pony up with the basics of being a decent man, at least in front of his kid.

That's not to say other male family members can't help counterbalance that as positive role models. Frankly, if your WH gets pissed, you should flat out tell him he needs to get his shit together and be a decent man for his boy. Otherwise it's probably going to be damage control all the way, sorry.



On the topic of performance issues, what if the change is not losing an erection, but finishing quickly...within minutes of starting foreplay. (And this is a change from the previous norm.) Stress? Age? Other?

Stress, age, fitness, diet, rest level (as in, getting enough sleep), etc. Also, practice helps. srsly.

Other2014 posted 2/18/2015 13:38 PM

Notthevictim,
Thanks for ur answer. Yes, he is sick for sure. I guess his extreme racist mentality played a role here. We are brown and the prostitutes were white.

Notthevictem posted 2/19/2015 05:52 AM

Thanks for ur answer. Yes, he is sick for sure. I guess his extreme racist mentality played a role here. We are brown and the prostitutes were white.

I have no idea what to say to that... I'm not even sure IC could help... I would hope that it might.

kate0421 posted 2/19/2015 09:12 AM

I have a question.. A little backround: days after dday i was hysterical and ask WS if the OW were prettier than me. His response was the first one wasn't but the OW2 was. He told me OW2 reminded him of me when we first got together (I'm assuming he meant in shape, with a Sunkiss tan and blonde hair and blue eyes...I was young without kids and real responsibility..so ya I don't look like that all the time) well after 2 kids my body isn't perfect anymore. I've come to love my body this last year and a half but I can't get it out of my mind that WS doesn't find me as attractive. Ws has always told me Im the most beautiful woman to him....until after dday he even tried to tell me (after he said she was prettier) that I'm the most beautiful to him... I don't get it. I've brought it up and he tried telling me that back then he did see her as physically "prettier" but he was "messed up" then and he doesn't think that now. My question... is this possible? I mean he hasn't even seen her in years so if he did would he change his mind? He told me I've always been the most beautiful ....but apparently not. So when he tells me now I can't help but think it's all lies. This has really affected me during sex. I love sex we have a great sex life but sometimes when I'm on top and he is looking at me I can't help but think he wants to see a "prettier" version of me so it kinda ruins the mood for for me.
From a man's perspective is this just lies to make me feel better? Can you really change what's attractive? This confuses me and I just feel like I will never really know and always doubt his feelings of attraction towards me.
Another question... since men are generally more visual when it comes to sex.. does it really matter about the details of what the woman looks like? If you have a more attractive woman is the sex better or more exciting?

Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum List

Return to General

© 2002-2017 SurvivingInfidelity.com ®. All Rights Reserved.