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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Please Help Me...I am Devestated!
downnout2014
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Member # 43860
Default  Posted: 8:36 PM, June 25th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UPDATE:

I met with our therapist and we talked about the past two years and what has happened. When I showed her the proof, I can tell she was really disappointed, but not surprised. She opened up a little to tell me it has been a challenge for her to keep my Wife to understand what she wants. She did think there was still some hope for us.

I basically told her to never mind the hope, when we meet as a couple she will have to fight for our marriage or I will move on. She agreed and understood where I was coming from...


Posts: 25 | Registered: Jun 2014
Badhurt
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Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 9:07 PM, June 25th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Remember, as long as there is hope, the therapist makes money. You have the proof, you now have confirmation from therapist your wife is not all in.
You now let her hang herself with lies and the drop the papers on her at MC along with telling her you have told the wife of OM.
Don't back down!!!
Even your therapist was not surprised.
Now it has to become what YOU want.

Posts: 1097 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
Michonne
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Member # 43834
Default  Posted: 10:35 PM, June 25th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H cheated on me Id want to know no matter how devastating the truth would be, Id put an end to my H affair. The OM wife may be the ammunition you need to end everything. If you do tell the OM wife try to be as compassionate as you can. Shes may need your support and she may also be able to support you.

Hugs to you and hope whatever you choose to do it all works so you can start to heal.


Posts: 15 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Sydney
downnout2014
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Member # 43860
Default  Posted: 11:16 PM, June 27th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UPDATE:

After what seemed to feel like 1,000 days since last week, it was time to shake my wife out of the fof...at least a little.

As the appointment approached, my expectations were low for any breakthoughs or true admissions. One of my demands was for her not to return to the same job (I assumed that she would be hesitant to agree to this). I had met with the therapist the day before so she knew what was going to happen. It felt like an intervention.

The session begins and I read her everything that I have felt over the last 2 years along with knowing about texts, sexts, meetings, etc. As I read, I can tell she was still in denial and embarassed, and maybe some guilt. I summarize with I am moving on with or without you, but I will no longer tolerate infidelity.

It's her turn to respond, and she still tries to minimize the past by saying it was only one fantasy, and that it ended and they were friends but no more...I pull out a copy of the evidence. She acts like she doens't know what it is...The therapist asks her about meeting my demands. She agrees to them all and still wants to save the marriage. I tell her she now has to work because I have no more trust for her.

As she began to explain, I can tell she was caught off guard, embarassed, and afraid. I can see that she actually believed her justification that it was only one time period that she sexted. At this point, I began to see some of her mental issues right in front of my eyes and I just focused on doing the 180. I explain that
I still love her, but she needs to fight for our marriage. The therapist talks to her about not having secret friendships in a marriage. She agrees.

I'm still sticking to my guns and protecting myself. The OW knows about her WH, and I have a second appointment with the divorce attorney. I'm willing to give this a chance one small step at a time as long as she follows the demands and willing to fight to save us.

Positives:
-Accepted to follow my demands
-Still wants to be married
-Wants to grow with me
-Will work with same therapist

Negatives:
-Seems to be naive about the damage she caused
-Not enough remorse
-Unresolved mental issues from past

How have any of you dealt with a partner that accepted your demands? What has happened since? How did doing the 180 go?


Posts: 25 | Registered: Jun 2014
Badhurt
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Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 12:01 AM, June 28th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do NOT assume she has accepted your demands . You caught her totally off guard and she went I to defense mode because you were in MC. Had you done the same thing at home the denial would have been more stubborn on her part .

What was the reaction of OM wife?? If she was outraged and thankful to you, then you will have another set of eyes. If she acted like no big deal or did not care then she is worthless to you.

Your wife will probably be pissed you contacted OM wife when she did not want you to. Her tough luck, she needs to understand "it's game time" and she is in the fourth quarter and she is about to lose.

My guess is she will try to go underground and will contact OM or talk at work on how to continue . You have to insure that will not happen by getting her out of there like you plan.
I would give her the preliminary D papers and tell her you will rip them up if she shows remorse and not just sorrow at getting caught and that is a demand. And I would flat out tell her the next time she breaks the agreements she better have her own attorney because there will be no more conversation.

Lastly, if you trust her further than you can throw an elephant, you are crazy, and you should tell her that and that she has no one to blame for that but herself

Good job on everything . Hope you feel a little more in control of your life

[This message edited by Badhurt at 12:03 AM, June 28th (Saturday)]


Posts: 1097 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
downnout2014
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Member # 43860
Default  Posted: 12:48 AM, June 28th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Badhurt, as she was explaining herself to the therapist, I felt that I had more resolve to stick to my guns! I feel even the therapist wanted to hit her on the head with an iron pan. I really stressed "with or without you" alot.

OW took the news, hard to read though since it was quick convo. At this point, I don't believe any words from her. I am just focused on me and the kids...I'm exhausted and need to rest hopefully I will get some sleep tonight.

You are right, it would have been denial if we were at home. I am glad I decided to talk the the therpist first. She was a little put off by the lying, but still wants to work on her mental issues. This is one reason I didn't really drop the hammer too hard, I don't know the true condition of her mental state.


Posts: 25 | Registered: Jun 2014
Badhurt
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Default  Posted: 6:21 AM, June 28th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Downandour2014

First, what was the demeanor of the OM wife when you told her?? That is important to know as I told you. Is she with you or does she not care???

As far as dropping the hammer, my advice to you quite fry right now is "fuck your wife's mental state" You are making excuses for her. It is your mental state that is the problem here because you are the one losing sleep, you are the one having a hard time functioning, and you are the one who got the shit sandwich. Her behavior needs to change or her mental state is of no consequence if she wants to continue to have the OM in her life.
My guess is today you will get more bull shit or back to usual.
I would recommend TODAY, while yesterday is fresh in her mind, that you do the following:
(1) give her the D papers and tell her you will NOT tolerate any more lies, deception, or untruths, or that the next step will be moving forward on these papers.
(2). Look I to her eyes and calmly tell her you will NOT have three people in this marriage.
(3) Go to the OM and tell him you will be contacting HR regarding his inappropriate conduct. She will not like this but who gives a shit
(4). Get her out of that job
(5). Lastly tell her that she can save you both a lot of trouble and expense so if she cannot do without other men you and she need to D, no compromise at all.!!!!

Do not listen to any more blame shifting or denial. Don't entertain conversation about it and shut her off she she starts to deny, you have the Damm proof. When you let her blab that shit to you it gives it credibility in her mind.

Until you see re change at home, not in MC office, you have not gotten control. Personally, I would not go back to MC until she accepts your demands and acts on them.

You can win this game if you stay strong . Don't waiver

You are the good guy here


Posts: 1097 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
downnout2014
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Member # 43860
Default  Posted: 8:32 AM, June 28th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks BadHurt,

It's really hard to gage whether the OW is for or doesn't care. I guess I'll find out after her WH returns home from being away.

I told the therapist that I am not going to MC until behavior changes and demands are being met. She will not be returning to the job.

After some sleep, I feel good and just got from the grm. Working out is a key to staying somewhat mentally healthy.


Posts: 25 | Registered: Jun 2014
Uhtred
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Member # 40392
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, June 28th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What Bigger said. You need to take every word of advice he posted. I'm sorry you're in pain brother it truly sucks. You'll make it through just stick to your guns. Your going to discover so many things about yourself during this time that you never knew were there and I'm saying in a good way. Keep yor chin up man and keep posting.


Me: BH 32years old DDay 4-29-13
Her: WW 33 years old
“Yet each man kills the thing he loves
By each let this be heard
Some do it with a bitter look
Some with a flattering word
The coward does it with a kiss
The brave man with a sword”

Posts: 627 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Houston, Texas
downnout2014
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Member # 43860
Default  Posted: 9:01 PM, June 29th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UPDATE:

Another day minor progress. Last night was more about her emabrassment, and a re-tread of what her thoughts were (only believed 50%). She also gave me her cell phone password. This morning, I made breakfast for the kids and we all ate. After breakfast, our meeting to separate our finances was to take place. I believe this meeting continued to stress that my demands are real and there is no turning back. We discussed separating our aspects of our financial life except for hime repair and kids. She got sad and began to cry and showed remorse. I hugged her and told her that I forgive her, and have forgiven her every moment over two years as I knew she was deceiving me. She tells me more truth and confirms what my gut was telling me over the past two years.

I still don't trust anything, but she is finally remorseful and telling the truth (the kind of truth that implicates her and what she has been doing). It still hurts to know that all the sh&t that was going on behind me back. However, the OW now knows and this will be an interesting week.

I continue to stress with or without her and she seems genuinely ready to raise up to the challenge. However, as the 180 dictates, I believe less than 50% of her commitment. At this point, I am in protection mode for myself and kids...


Posts: 25 | Registered: Jun 2014
Badhurt
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Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 9:30 PM, June 29th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Only believing 50% is giving her too much of the benefit of the doubt. Right now you should believe NOTHING!!! Of course there were tears. She got caught red handed and then when you start to show her consequences she cries. And you should not have given her any affection. You have reinforced that by turning on the tears she can manipulate you.
You have been lied to for two full years and giving you her cell password gives her instant credibility. I don't think so.
You need to remain calm, businesslike, and methodically preparing for D. The OM has not even returned yet.
You need an extended period of building trust , complete NC and transparency. What you have so far is a natural reaction to getting busted.
And do not think for a minute that they cannot get a burner phone or new e mail so don't think getting her cell password is the magical answer .
If you do not remain totally on guard , you will not be the first one that has been burnt again. Two years of an affair does not disappear with a few tears

Posts: 1097 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
downnout2014
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Member # 43860
Default  Posted: 9:54 PM, June 29th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

badhurt, thanks brotha for keeping it real!

I am in no way giving her amnesty over a few tears. I am sticking by my guns! This is all I got. When I told her with or without her I menat it. As I heard the truth, i asked her why she acted like it wasn'tthe truth...no answer of course...

I believe she has a lot of work to to do the therapist and that she needs to understand the damage that she has caused. I am now seeing the extent she was damaged as a child (her father cheated on her mother repeatedly). There is a gap is her judgement and its very deep. However, with that said, I am doing what is right for me and the kids. Trust me, 50% trust means 0% trust for me...

Thanks for your concern and please keep me honest. I am going to need you in the coming weeks as things continue to unfold.

(For those of you you nerw here, please be sure to get real evidence (pics, texts, etc) because your mind will fool you becuase you want to believe it is not happening...but it is...).


Posts: 25 | Registered: Jun 2014
Badhurt
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Default  Posted: 10:37 PM, June 29th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Everyone on forum will try to help you.
Please stop worrying about her working on anything with the therapist. For two years she worked with the therapist and it did not stop anything. And stop giving a shit about her family history.
The only fucking thing you need to be concerned about is that you get nothing but the truth, and then YOU make the decision what happens not her.
Your next step when the OM piece of shit returns is to let him know in no u certain terms you are totally aware of this affair and that you have every intention of reporting it to the HR dept of their company . And she needs to start looking for another job
No more hugs or signs of anything right now from you except that she has a very limited amount of time to convince you to stay.
If the OM wife gives him a hall pass, your wife cannot continue to work there.
I would also install a VAR device on her car. They certainly cool their communications at work.
You are getting somewhere because you are do e putting up with the shit.
Do not give her a moment to relax and think she has you back under control. She deserves the period of being uncomfortable. You have endured two years of it

Posts: 1097 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
HonoringVows
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Default  Posted: 11:16 PM, June 29th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You need to inform the wife she is married to a cheater. Make sure you have evidence otherwise she may not believe you.

[This message edited by HonoringVows at 11:20 PM, June 29th (Sunday)]


Me: 45
WH: 56
Married almost 21 years
3 adult children: 24, 19, 18
1st found out July 2010
Found phone calls and texts to/from escorts April 2014
Just Started Counseling

Posts: 16 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: California
HonoringVows
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Member # 41043
Default  Posted: 11:16 PM, June 29th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You need to inform the wife she is married to a cheaper. Make sure you have evidence otherwise she may not believe you.


Me: 45
WH: 56
Married almost 21 years
3 adult children: 24, 19, 18
1st found out July 2010
Found phone calls and texts to/from escorts April 2014
Just Started Counseling

Posts: 16 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: California
Badhurt
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Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Down n Out

How are you holding up ?


Posts: 1097 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
downnout2014
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Member # 43860
Default  Posted: 4:31 PM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BadH,
I am holding up well. More truth came out last night and I am just letting her talk real open. She is very remorseful, and she sees that I mean business. She re-affirmed that she is committed to saving our marriage. I guess time will tell. Until then, I'm doing the 180 and it's keeping me balanced. I also met with my attorney again to understand my options. I am also going to seek my own therapist to get my mind right. Either way, this is a new beginning, with or without her...

Posts: 25 | Registered: Jun 2014
Badhurt
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Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 8:48 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So what is the more truth and what are you don't about it?

Posts: 1097 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
happyman64
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Member # 33212
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

downnout

You did very well.

Stay vigilant. Keep communicating.

And never settle for less.

Hm


Posts: 966 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New York
downnout2014
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Member # 43860
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, July 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the feedback folks.

Had a long 4th of July. Went away and left the kids with the grand parents. She has been truthful about the affair, and that she was responsible for letting it happen. She claims it last year. She also claimed to only kiss him, but did not want to go further. She claims to want to move forward with me. She seems more remorseful and seeems to be excited to spending more time with me.

I tell her that she needs to commit to the demands just to even begin talking about reconciling. I still believe 50% of what she has told me and still working on protecting myself (i.e., 180, sleeping, exercise, enjoying my kids, meeting with lawyers). At this point, actions speak louder than words.

I would appreciate some thoughts...


Posts: 25 | Registered: Jun 2014
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