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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Please Help Me...I am Devestated!
downnout2014
♂ New Member
Member # 43860
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, July 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"She claims it last year" = she claims it ended last year.

Posts: 25 | Registered: Jun 2014
Commanche1
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Member # 39692
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, July 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"She has been truthful about the affair," " She also claimed to only kiss him, but did not want to go further." downnout2014 You stated she went on birth control, that fact doesn't jibe with the statements she's making. be prepared for trickle truth, don't let you desire for recovery cloud your reality

Posts: 70 | Registered: Jun 2013
downnout2014
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Member # 43860
Default  Posted: 3:31 PM, July 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Commanche,
I am expecting trickle truth. Do you think it's because she's still playing games or simply realizes the marriage will be over if she told the truth?

Posts: 25 | Registered: Jun 2014
Badhurt
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Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 3:52 PM, July 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Down and out2014

Are you telling me she is admitting that she had an affair that ended last year and that she only kissed? Please tell me you do not believe that!

What has happened with exposing to wife of OM.

You have caught her lying , presented it to the MC and she is now telling you they only kissed.
You need to tell her in no uncertain terms what will happen if there is any morebTT and that you are giving her ONE more chance to come clean with the truth to you or that is if.

You are in big trouble if you believe what she is telling you


Posts: 1097 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
downnout2014
♂ New Member
Member # 43860
Default  Posted: 8:48 AM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The full truth came out after she knew I was serious about ending the marriage immediately. She displayed real remorse and shame. I told her that I will leave if she didn't put in the work necessary to save the marriage. She states that she wants to remain married and willing to make the necessary changes. I believe her, but still need to protect myself.

Any thoughts about next steps?


Posts: 25 | Registered: Jun 2014
LonelyHusband
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Member # 34145
Default  Posted: 8:59 AM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're still being played.

The hug has turned into a kiss. The kiss will turn into a fondle. The fondle will turn into sex.

You don't need birth control for kisses.

Your wife is trickle-truthing you.


Next steps

1. No contact letter
2. Change jobs to get away from the AP
3. IC for her
4. Complete transparency. No more secrets.

I would also, and some disagree with this, file for divorce. You can file and just let it hang in the air. She needs to understand that the DEFAULT action will be divorce. She's fighting to stop the divorce finishing, not stop stop it starting. Divorce is the normal and reasonable outcome of infidelity. Everything about her actions now should be demonstrating why you should make an exception to this.

[This message edited by LonelyHusband at 9:02 AM, July 8th (Tuesday)]


BS ( me) 41
fWS (OktoberMest) 35
D day #1 29/10/2011, D day #2 15/112011, D day #3 15/03/2012
Reconciling.
“It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all”, is inadequate consolation when you vacuum up a child's hamster'

Posts: 1290 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: UK
downnout2014
♂ New Member
Member # 43860
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks LH,
Items 1-3 has already been done. Item 4 is a part of my demands as noted earlier. I'm sticking to my guns and we will move forward only if she fights for it. At this point, I have come to the realization that if I am still being played, this will end and my life will go on without her. Her actions and willingness to repair our marriage will dictate whether we can move on or not. The first time around, I made the common mistakes as discussed on this site. No misatkes will be made this time around. My aatorney is well aware of my situation and is ready to act and she now knows this.

Posts: 25 | Registered: Jun 2014
downnout2014
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Member # 43860
Default  Posted: 1:47 PM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LH - can you explain your footer to me? You had three D-days?

Posts: 25 | Registered: Jun 2014
Badhurt
♂ Member
Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

downnout2014

You MUST get #4, Transparancy TOTAL

And you should file for divorce. She needs to know the next fuck up will absolutely be her last. You can stop it at any time but it means the clock is ticking on her to do what needs to be done.

And i would not waste any more time on MC that she has lied to for a long time until you believe there is something to save.


Posts: 1097 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
downnout2014
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Member # 43860
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BH, I am not returnng to marriage counselling until I believe that she is meeting my demands (which include 1-4, and IC for her). No more therapy talk for us at this time, it has to be action/change in behavior...and of course honest communication between the two of us.

Posts: 25 | Registered: Jun 2014
Splitter
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Member # 43957
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Downnout, your story has really touched a nerve for me - reminds me so much of some bad experiences I had with my ex. In the end, I'm not sure she did cheat on me with her office friend - it was some other random dude that broke the camel's back, as it were. Point is that her messed up perspective on sexual boundaries, her willingness to lie, and her constant need for attention from men spells disaster for monogamous relationship. No matter how much I might love her, these qualities make it impossible to continue with her. I'm not saying its the same with your situation, just sharing my experience.

As for staying together for the kid's sake, I'm not sure about that. I come from a broken home - really bad divorce that left a great rift in my relationships with both parents. But worse than the divorse was the way it was before - it was unspoken but we all lived under a spectre of my Dad's infidelity and I wouldn't wish that on any child.

Best of luck

[This message edited by Splitter at 3:15 PM, July 8th (Tuesday)]


35 yr old Canadian guy.

Posts: 59 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Eastern Canada
Badhurt
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Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Down n Out

Good to hear. You stay strong brother. You are on the right track


Posts: 1097 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
downnout2014
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Member # 43860
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Splitter & BH, I guess the one and only positive about being burned the first time is that I now refused to be burned again. I have come to the conclusion that kids will be better of with a happy dad, instead of a miserable one. They will be even better with a strong mom and dad, but it's now up to her. I guess my type A is kicking in through the pain.

Posts: 25 | Registered: Jun 2014
Badhurt
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Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The important thing is you took the advice and you have a CHANCE of something positive happening.

There are some on here now that will get burned again because they are not strong enough to do what you have done this time.

You should keep posting for a couple of reasons.
(1) You still may need some more advice
(2) Your experience in dealing with this shit sandwich may be able to help others like you were helped. There is nothing more reassuring to someone who has JUST FOUND OUT , then hearing from someone who it just happened to and who has done the right things.


Posts: 1097 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
needfriendshere
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Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Downnout2014,
I read what you have been going through for the first time today and have some thoughts on it all.

First of all, you NEED to tell the OW. And be prepared for some needed fireworks. My FWH's AP's H actually called my H and chewed him out. And I was really glad he did. It opened my H's eyes to the extent of the hurt that his actions caused. The sad thing is their marriage did not last. Ours has - so far...

Also, this trickle-down confession stuff is bull-shit! It'll wear you out. My H did the same thing. And each new piece of the puzzle set us back 10 steps and stabbed me through the heart all over again. The truth will always come out. Tell her to just get it over with - that if you find out about one more lie, that is it! I had to give my H that ultimatum and then all the crap they did just came spilling out. And, yes, it hurt like hell to hear it. But we dealt with it all - once and for all. And now we are moving forward.

I never did start the D process and I'm glad I didn't. But my H, although what he did completely devastated me, has been remorseful, has been getting help, and has been more than making up for what he did. He has NC with the AP (although she does contact me now and then) and I believe him when he says that the thought of her and what they did now disgusts him.

I hope this helps! Sorry for the long tirade. It's still pretty new for me too. Hang in there! You have found a safe and VERY helpful place here. (((Downnout2014)))


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 422 | Registered: May 2014
downnout2014
♂ New Member
Member # 43860
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BH,
I will keep posting to help others, and also to help myself. You guys have given me strength to cope with this mess. I wish I had found this site a few years ago.

needfriend, I told the OW and she was just shocked. I also sent her the evidence. I left the door open for her to contact me. You are right about the trickle truth, it sucks. I am happy to hear that you are reconciling and would also like your feedback in the future.


Posts: 25 | Registered: Jun 2014
needfriendshere
♀ Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Downnout,
I am here any time you need an ear. Be prepared - the OW just may call your wife! Like I said, I was really glad the BH called my H.
Let us know how things go!!


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 422 | Registered: May 2014
Topic Posts: 57
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