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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Sacred Wounds
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, June 25th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is by Jean Houston. . . Not for everybody, but it helps me to look at this experience as a clarifying event and a possibility for growth;

Betrayal, of all the woundings that may be suffered by the soul, can be the greatest agent of the sacred. This wound has always had an awful and luminous quality surrounding it. It marks the end of primal, unconscious trust, and forces upon us those terrible conditions that accompany the taking of the next step. . . . The condition of this trust has been a subtle and powerful binding that blocks the fullness of the greater consciousness needed to respond to new situations - situations that cannot be met within the old conditions.

For many if us who were somewhat "stuck" feeling in our marriages, this radical re shifting can break us loose from old patterns. Not that it is always comfortable or easy!


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1750 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, June 25th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The condition of this trust has been a subtle and powerful binding that blocks the fullness of the greater consciousness needed to respond to new situations - situations that cannot be met within the old conditions.

^^ is what jumped out at me.

Thanks bionic.

For me, the betrayal was so great, so shocking that sometimes I feel liked it snapped me out of some other world I was in. Following D-Day I could see no other way to make things work...certainly the old way wasn't going to work. And what was the old way based on anyway?

New patterns - hard to learn but after a while you start getting the hang of it.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2109 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, June 25th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have always said that the near-death experience my marriage went through was the biggest motivator...


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3774 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, June 25th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

that's a good way to put it, karma..."near death experience".


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2109 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 1:36 PM, June 25th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I felt like i was split open. . .in some ways it let me out of a cage, but in others, it was utterly devastating.


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1750 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Zengirl
♀ Member
Member # 42195
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, June 25th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for this, bg. This is what I needed today. I feel like some of the shattered pieces of myself and my marriage have been put back together. Or at least swept up. And it seems like they are starting to become something unexpected and even.....amazing? Weird.

I'm so glad there are others who see this horrible destruction in our lives as an opportunity for growth. It feels foolish and lonely sometimes to see it that way.


Me (BW): 40
Married: 15 years
3 kids
D-Day: 10/13

Posts: 139 | Registered: Jan 2014
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, June 25th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Only speak for my sitch....but that primal, unconcious trust that is referred to? That was lost in my childhood...in my wifes childhood.

My wife was not the first to abandon me, to wound my heart so deeply.

I never got over my childhood wound, nor did she. We didn't because both of us pretended it didnt happen....or at least that it hurt as bad as it was.

When my first DD occurred that pain and betrayal quickly rolled back and attached itself to the pain and betrayal that still lived in me from 30 years ago. That is the same pain that, while subconcisous, influenced MUCH of my life....was the ignition point for many of my destructive choices.

We have spent a lifetime of denying the pain we suffered as kids. false intimacies helped mask that pain.

It is hard to face this pain as a 42 year old man....my 12 year old self stood no chance of doing this on my own.

And I was very much on my own emotionally and spiritually during my formative years.


So trust has always been an issue for me. I was blind to that fact until my wife chose to have an affair.

My wife didn't trust me with her emotions from the begining...she hid them from me. I did the same from her. BS here, but my wife has not trusted me since the begining...and I did nothing to program her that way. Her childhood did...just like mine did.

I get that we did the best we could and that the affair adds to the shit I must process....but, at almost 2 years out, I can NOW say trust was not at the level to healthy bonding since the begining. We were not trusting of each other enough to really be vulnerable around each other.

Now......I pray for the courage to do what I know I have to do and do it with my wife who did choose to abandon me. I am choosing to do so because she is willing to find the courage to do the same.

This is not everyones sitch...I get that. Some BS's WERE fully engaged and bonding to their WS's. I was not one of them. So read my post with that in mind. Also, I am in no way taking credit for my wifes choices....only taking on the shit that is mine here. I have trust issues. And while my wife created more pain and makes me more afraid of trusting....she did not start that issue within me. That started at age 12....when parents went from seemingly healthy to D overnight. Went from having a complete family to a Dad who completely disappeared and a Mom so saddled with her own pain that she would retract into herself regularly.....


I keep this in mind as I process the pain of all this...and how I still have an opportunity to provide emotionally and spiritually to our girls. Not only an opportunity, but a responsibility. It is hard. I have a new appreciation for what my Mom went through....

Peace.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 3:58 PM, June 25th (Wednesday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3411 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 9:42 PM, June 25th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"split open" Good wording, bionic! I remember saying to a friend that its like the A "broke me open" and all the bad of me - the stuff I really detested about me was being set free - like poison spilling out. There can only be growth.

Then again....

I learn that my MIL used the poison that is still in her to tell my son that her grandfather "cheated" on her and that's why they broke up. He's 9! Honestly...she has held onto her story for 24 years and the poison has only gotten thicker.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2109 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
peoplepleaser
♀ Member
Member # 41535
Default  Posted: 4:36 AM, June 26th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What a wonderful post, if difficult to read and process.

Yes, DDay woke me up to a lot of things in the relationship. My own disillusionment, arrogance and the things I trusted in both my WS and the relationship despite them.

The quote presents an opportunity for more self-exploration, as I immediately felt defensive while reading it. I don't think it's resistance to change as much as it is the feeling of being duped. In essence, and in hindsight, I chose being lied to and duped. Of course, it wasn't a conscious decision. With the perspective of radical acceptance, I was not in a position in my life to handle it any other way, I guess. However, I refuse to believe that betrayal in the from it was delivered was necessary for that change. I can accept that it provided motivation leading to initiative for change, though.

While it shed light on what needed to change in the relationship, the fact remains that the disgusting, selfish choice that was made in response to it was unnecessary and debilitating. It wreaked more havoc than necessary, and, in my case, was done in the face of work "we" were supposed to be doing at the time to fix the relationship (as the first one occurred while we were in couples counseling already).

I can understand "how" and "why" it happened and that it was independent of me. I can have empathy and compassion for my WS and what she was feeling at the time. My feelings on the matter differ greatly.

So, while the quote is logically true, it takes a great amount of strength to incorporate it into the context of each of our unique situations and stories.


WS: 38--2 EAs
BS: 38--me, faithful
DS: 5
8 year relationship in R.
DDay #1: September 6, 2013 EA for 5 weeks August 2013.
DDay #2: January 2, 2014 EA for 6 weeks summer 2011.
"I am still learning." -Michelangelo

Posts: 512 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Midwest
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 6:31 AM, June 26th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So to follow up with this - once we start moving away from the kind of searing awfulness of the discovery and unpacking of what happened, how do we keep from slipping back into old patterns? Into comfort, rather than continuing to push for deep connection?

Crazily enough, there were a lot of "highs" in year one for me, when this marriage was turned upside down. Lately, in the early days of year 2, I have been feeling kind of flat. (I know, Lethal Plain and all that.)

So, how do we incorporate renewal into everyday life?


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1750 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
AML04
♀ Member
Member # 39682
Default  Posted: 7:58 AM, June 26th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So to follow up with this - once we start moving away from the kind of searing awfulness of the discovery and unpacking of what happened, how do we keep from slipping back into old patterns? Into comfort, rather than continuing to push for deep connection?

I get this and I'm at a loss.


Me-BS Him-WH DS 5/12
T-13 M-9
DDay 5/26/13, TT through 8/13
2.5 yr EA w/co-worker, PA 12/12 to 4/13.
Hopeful for R

Posts: 829 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: MA
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, June 26th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AML - so I am not the only one?


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1750 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Didact
♂ Member
Member # 42867
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, June 26th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Very nice quote. Thank you.

It reminds me that there is far more to be done that simply healing from the affair.

A small, but not insignificant part of this incredibly mean, deceitful and awful situation can be a gift. One that we should choose to squander at our peril.


No matter how painful, life either adapts or it dies.

BH (Me) 49
WW 47
Married 1985
D-Day Mar 19, 2014
1 year passionate EA/PA, ended by me on d-day.


Posts: 146 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: United States
Zengirl
♀ Member
Member # 42195
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, June 26th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just thinking out loud...

...but perhaps by continuing to embrace the uncomfortable, we can try to keep pushing for that deeper connection.

It's SO nice to be able to finally relax sometimes now, and the comfort of old patterns is enticing. After the exhaustion of months and months and months of dealing with the A and the aftermath, our bodies and minds probably just need a break from all of that pushing. But once we've had a chance to catch our breath (maybe hanging out in the POLF for a bit), I think those exhausting months will provide the base we need for a new relationship, where comfort zones are stretched, and growth in the relationship is far less likely to stall out in the way it did for us before.

I'm a few months behind where you guys are, so I may just be naive. But I know that even the level of calm I feel now is making it easy for me to slip into the comfort of old patterns. Just this morning, I felt this happening, when I withdrew from a conversation instead of pursuing it. I woke up with The Panic, for no specific reason, but just needed to get something off my chest. I didn't, because I didn't feel like rocking the boat so early in the day. And I found myself being a little passive aggressive instead.

But the difference now is that I caught myself. I apologized to H, not for feeling what I was feeling, but for falling back into unhealthy patterns. I shared The Panic with him, and we dealt with that issue together.

I can't imagine going (permanently) back to a place where I will be willing to sacrifice that authenticity for comfort. And every moment of pushing against those patterns brings us closer as a couple.

I think renewal will seep into everyday life in a more subtle way than it has at the beginning of this ordeal. The continual push to grow as individuals and as a couple will hopefully start feeling less like the dramatic recovery from an explosion, and more like the gradual opening of a blossom.

Too cheesy?



Me (BW): 40
Married: 15 years
3 kids
D-Day: 10/13

Posts: 139 | Registered: Jan 2014
veronique12
♀ Member
Member # 42185
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, June 26th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When my first DD occurred that pain and betrayal quickly rolled back and attached itself to the pain and betrayal that still lived in me from 30 years ago. That is the same pain that, while subconcisous, influenced MUCH of my life.....

We have spent a lifetime of denying the pain we suffered as kids.

I'm starting to work through this, blake. One of the effects of a betrayal is that it can shift your focus. It can wake you up to feelings that you've hidden, whether consciously or not. These horrible hurts are suddenly in your face and it's really difficult to deny them, though you still need to work to connect the dots. I doubt I'd have started to do so without the betrayal. Sad but all too common.


BW: me (38)
WH: 43
OW: false "friend"
D-Day: 11/29/13 (4 month EA discovered); 12/19/13 (discovered was also PA); TT thru 2/14
Married: 2001; Together for nearly 20 years
2 beautiful young kids

Posts: 395 | Registered: Jan 2014
struggling3
♀ Member
Member # 34671
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, June 26th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So to follow up with this - once we start moving away from the kind of searing awfulness of the discovery and unpacking of what happened, how do we keep from slipping back into old patterns? Into comfort, rather than continuing to push for deep connection?

Crazily enough, there were a lot of "highs" in year one for me, when this marriage was turned upside down. Lately, in the early days of year 2, I have been feeling kind of flat. (I know, Lethal Plain and all that.)

So, how do we incorporate renewal into everyday life?

Bionicgal...I had to quote every word you said because I can still relate to this so much and I am two years further along than you are.

The deep connection is there even still as we near the three year mark. I still feel kind of flat sometimes (probably why I still frequent this site) and am often thinking that I want to keep those intense conversations going (maybe without the tears). There is that underlying feeling that if it gets too comfortable....too much back to how it was before that he can slip again. My problem I know but still frustrating.

I bought a book of devotions with small things to read and discus daily. We read a few of them and it was good for both of us but they started to get into religion too much for both of us. I would love a recommendation of something similar to read together and discuss at a deep level. Anyone??


Me - BS 55
H - WS 57/very remorseful and supportive
Kids 28, 25, 22
D-Day 8-5-11
discovered 4 month long EA
R - slow and steady but very optimistic

Posts: 294 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: New Jersey
seethelight
♀ Member
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, June 26th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

While I find Jean Houston's personal philosophy interesting, I don't think it applies to each and every betrayal.

Houston Opined:

The condition of this trust has been a subtle and powerful binding that blocks the fullness of the greater consciousness needed to respond to new situations - situations that cannot be met within the old conditions.

In some marriages this may be true, but even in those marriages, there are surely many many other ways to UNBLOCK the greater consciousness and change the old conditions.

I think maybe for Houston believing her words is comforting to her, or perhaps she thinks it offers comfort to those betrayed.

But in the end I think it's just another philosophy that blames the victim spouse and lets the cheater off the hook.


“If two people truly have feelings for one another then they don’t have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 711 | Registered: May 2014
veronique12
♀ Member
Member # 42185
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, June 26th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I like your cheese, Zen!


BW: me (38)
WH: 43
OW: false "friend"
D-Day: 11/29/13 (4 month EA discovered); 12/19/13 (discovered was also PA); TT thru 2/14
Married: 2001; Together for nearly 20 years
2 beautiful young kids

Posts: 395 | Registered: Jan 2014
Zengirl
♀ Member
Member # 42195
Default  Posted: 4:18 PM, June 26th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Interesting, seethelight, how we all can interpret this so differently! I don't see her words letting the cheater off the hook. In fact, I don't see her words as having anything to do with the cheater at all. I read those words as they apply specifically to the betrayed, and the internal struggles that betrayal creates in each of us. Through my personal struggle, I believe I have the opportunity to experience growth as a person, and a liberation, of sorts. I don't believe the outcome of the marital relationship, or the consequences for the wayward, have anything to do with that.

This is how I look back and view previous traumas in my life, as well. I wouldn't wish those experiences on anyone, but I wouldn't trade my own experiences, either. My greatest joy and peace come from loving the person I became through enduring those times of my life and thriving in the years after. And I believe that this experience will eventually prove to take me down a similar path of growth.

Now, don't get me wrong. Some days I just want to punch H in the face, or curl up in bed and cry all day. Journey schmourney. But those days are getting fewer and farther in between. So I have hope.


Me (BW): 40
Married: 15 years
3 kids
D-Day: 10/13

Posts: 139 | Registered: Jan 2014
seethelight
♀ Member
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, June 26th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is how I look back and view previous traumas in my life, as well. I wouldn't wish those experiences on anyone, but I wouldn't trade my own experiences, either.

My greatest joy and peace come from loving the person I became through enduring those times of my life and thriving in the years after.

And I believe that this experience will eventually prove to take me down a similar path of growth.

If that is how you feel, then really, don't let anyone elses opinion change that. Honor it. And, it will be so.

For my part, I have occasionally felt that a traumatic experience helped me grow.

But I don't think the trauma of my husband's unfaithfulness has helped me grow.

If anything, I feel it has diminished my growth and stunted it.

I was doing quite well in my life, prior, I was doing creative things and taking artistic risks.

Until my cheater met the Married OW, he, by all accounts, according to friends and relatives, he was quite happy, too.

I think our friends were just as shocked and blindsided by his cheating as I was.

[This message edited by seethelight at 4:27 PM, June 26th (Thursday)]


“If two people truly have feelings for one another then they don’t have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 711 | Registered: May 2014
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