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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Sacred Wounds
Zengirl
♀ Member
Member # 42195
Default  Posted: 4:37 PM, June 26th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


But I don't think the trauma of my husband's unfaithfulness has helped me grow.

If anything, I feel it has diminished my growth and stunted it.

I was doing quite well in my life, prior, I was doing creative things and taking artistic risks.

Until my cheater met the Married OW, he, by all accounts, according to friends and relatives, he was quite happy, too.

I think our friends were just as shocked and blindsided by his cheating as I was.

This is exactly how I felt up until the last month-ish. I could have written this word for word. Except for the creative and artistic part.

But prior to the A, I was the best I've ever been - strong, confident, happy, successful. My marriage was a source of envy of our friends and family. We both described our marriage as loving and happy. Then...boom. I felt diminished for a long while. And I still feel this way in certain moments. For me, though, that feeling is changing. I'm seeing brighter possibilities for myself. For my marriage and my H as well, but the big change is that I finally see a path for me to become a much better person. Despite how awesome I was before.

I'm not saying this perspective works for everyone. I'm not saying it should, or it's better than a different point of view. But I do hope we all find our own path back to peace, one way or another.


Me (BW): 40
Married: 15 years
3 kids
D-Day: 10/13

Posts: 164 | Registered: Jan 2014
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 5:51 PM, June 26th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Crazily enough, there were a lot of "highs" in year one for me, when this marriage was turned upside down. Lately, in the early days of year 2, I have been feeling kind of flat. (I know, Lethal Plain and all that.)

Yes, bionic, I get this too. There was a lot of (for lack of a better word) excitement in Year 1. Whether it was good or horrendous, it was still excitement. I felt as if I was in the classroom every day gobbling up new knowledge about him and myself.

I find myself getting a bit...antsy now. The lull is ending and I do find myself pushing him a bit. I like the intense convos. I want to keep going with that bc I found it increased intimacy...but I don't want to be addicted to that bc I know it can't be healthy.

Zengirl...

But prior to the A, I was the best I've ever been - strong, confident, happy, successful. My marriage was a source of envy of our friends and family.

This is so NOT me prior to the A. I was a wreck. I was bored, lonely, not at all happy and even though we showed up as shiny, happy people, the "stable ones" for family and friends, I knew it was only a matter of time before we self-destructed. We were just not sharing at all. Then the A happened. Shocking. Totally, 100% shock to the system that had me wanting more for myself and for us. We shared so much that first year. I want more of that....w/o feeling traumatized!


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2613 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 11:48 PM, June 26th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So to follow up with this - once we start moving away from the kind of searing awfulness of the discovery and unpacking of what happened, how do we keep from slipping back into old patterns? Into comfort, rather than continuing to push for deep connection?
Crazily enough, there were a lot of "highs" in year one for me, when this marriage was turned upside down. Lately, in the early days of year 2, I have been feeling kind of flat. (I know, Lethal Plain and all that.)

So, how do we incorporate renewal into everyday life?

For me, year one was adrenalin based, hyper-aware,always vigilant.

We moved into a healing fueled life, IC, learning, recognizing the 40 years I/we spent doing things would take time and thoughtful energy to change.Implementing change, making mistakes, accepting them and moving on.

We finally have landed in a growth inspired, authentic way of living. It takes effort and desire. An awareness of where you are and how you feel.

We all have the ability to take steps back to the old ways of dealing with our lives/issues. But when you have created a healthy environment with your partner where you are both able to speak your needs and wants speaking your truths also becomes a way of life. We will both call the other one out when we see old patterns coming through.

So wrt incorporating renewal, it becomes the new norm. Seeing things differently, learning and navigating this new life is an experience I can't put into words. It's a comfortable, easy moving grace that envelops your soul, you won't even feel the need to incorporate it, it just does.

I think it's most important to do the healing, learning and growth because it paves a path for you. Your direction becomes clear and even in moments you believe you have uncertainty the clarity will shine through.

[This message edited by karmahappens at 11:49 PM, June 26th (Thursday)]


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3858 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
catlover50
♀ Member
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 4:50 AM, June 27th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, guys, this is a really great thread! I have long felt that the fallout from my H's A has created the opportunity for us to have something amazing, and I truly would not go back to before Dday if I could.

We are in the calm phase, but I find it mostly a relief. I do miss HB sometimes, but our sex life has remained much more vibrant, albeit without the franticness.

I worry occasionally that my H is slipping back into old coping patterns, especially as he has been super busy at work. But I address it and he is completely responsive to my concerns, which is totally unlike his previous behavior. I actually have to remind myself sometimes of how things used to be to appreciate the differences and how far we have come.

For my personal growth my IC has recommended that I continue to see her and work on issues unrelated to the A, since that is less compelling at this time. My H came in for a session last week so they could meet. He was awesome.

I am a rarity in that I was not shocked by the A. Even though there were no changes in behavior and few clues I had never really trusted my H for various reasons. So trust is something that I am actually developing for the first time. Not just that he won't cheat, but that he will have my back and consider my needs as paramount. It's a wonderful feeling. And it allows me to work on vulnerability.

Now people are jealous of how wonderful he is and ask my advice on husbands! Unlike some I am proud of this and not angry; we have earned it.



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1817 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
seethelight
♀ Member
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, June 27th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I worry occasionally that my H is slipping back into old coping patterns, especially as he has been super busy at work. But I address it and he is completely responsive to my concerns, which is totally unlike his previous behavior. I actually have to remind myself sometimes of how things used to be to appreciate the differences and how far we have come.

Here is the problem:

Yes, my husband is on good behavior, too. Really good. He wants the marriage.

But why wouldn't he. I really am a much better, honest, kind, loyal person than his OW or any married or single women who would date a married man.

I feel used.

I feel that he simply wants the security of the practical, calm, loyal, frugal wife who takes care of him, rather than an OW who gossips about her husband and is a serial cheater and spends her husband's money on spa treatments prior to visiting her OM, so she can look good for her OM.

Also, you suspected your husband was a cheater. I thought the total opposite.

I saw him as an honorable trustworthy man who would never cheat. I was totally blindsided.

By all accoutns, we had a marriage others envied.

My IC said that when someone trusts their spouse that way, the shock of an affair is far greater.

Because of my trust, and it's destruction, I was actually diagnosed with post infidelity PTSD.

The other sad thing is that on forums like these, I see so many people say that the husband was doing everything right, but ten years or five years or seven years later, he cheated again.

So, yes, I have changed, but it is not in a way that will help the marriage.

I am now a suspicious, distrusting person.


“If two people truly have feelings for one another then they don’t have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1516 | Registered: May 2014
Topic Posts: 25
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