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Newest Member: TryingToReform (45458)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Confused
Buxton33
♀ New Member
Member # 43869
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, June 25th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well...I didn't just find out but I just found this website. This is the 2nd time I have caught him. I can't believe it has happened again. The first time was in 11/2012 and this last time was most recently early 2/2014. I am not exactly a stay at home mom but I don't work outside the home. The first time I came across many emails accidentally in the sent items box. I was searching for an email he asked me look for because he was away and didn't have internet access. He deleted all the conversations but not the sent messages. I was able to recover hundreds of emails from a sites like...craigslist, adult friend finder...I am sure you know where I am going with this. It was unbelievable...He was meeting random women online and having casual sex with them...I think the term is No Strings Attached! I never knew such thing existed...I know pretty naive!! He even paid for sex a few times
I couldn't believe my watery puffy eyes but I knew it was true. It was the hardest metaphorical slap in the face I have ever experienced. How did I not see this? Well let me explain the levels of his deceit. My H is not the guy that goes away on trips, stays at work late, goes out on the weekend or even goes out with friends. I never had a reason to not trust him...he went to work and came home. He was engaging in these activities during his work day, then coming home and having sex with me, speeding time with the kids, and acting completely normal.
But what I failed to realize the first time I caught him was these were classic symptoms of a SA. It is normal to them...casual sex, constant masturbation, pronography is the equivalent to brushing their teeth and eating everyday.
I did not see it for what it was and therefore accepted the apologies and went through the marriage counseling, required him to do individual counseling, and I (I want to emphasize the "I") worked hard on keeping communication open between us. But my inexperience and his level of addiction set us up for failure. He went through the motions and everything seem to back to normal.
Well...over a year later I couldn't shake the feeling of something is completely wrong. I am a student and it is common for me to be awake when everyone is in bed. This particular night I grabbed his computer and searched his hard drive. I found evidence of him visiting his old sites and watching pornography. I didn't need anymore evidence than that. I went to our room woke him up and told him he is a sick bastard and I wanted out. He had this stupid shocked look on his face...I just wanted to slap the piss out of him...don't worry I resisted the urge.
To be continued......
I have to run to class but I will finish
P.S. I feel a little relieved to be sharing my story

Posts: 2 | Registered: Jun 2014
WeepingBuddhist
♀ Member
Member # 39139
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, June 25th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry that you find yourself here but you are in good company. There are great resources in the healing library. Your first step is to take care of yourself. Get tested for STIs and see an attorney to find out what your position is in your state.

Try to focus on your future and your school work, but be kind to yourself.


Me: BS 46
Him: unimportant
D Day:4-27-13
DIVORCED!!! 2-20-14

Posts: 636 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Columbus
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, June 25th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome to the best club you never wanted to join. Even just telling the story about it here is a help, as you already discovered. It's a safe place where you can find understanding from those who have BTDT.

Please check out the thread for partners of SAs: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=531356&AP=301

Have you looked into S-Anon for yourself and 12-step meetings for him?


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4196 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Buxton33
♀ New Member
Member # 43869
Default  Posted: 4:30 PM, June 25th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WOW!! It is truly comforting to read your responses. I am on a short break between lectures and I will try to shorten this story.

WeepingBuddhist...The 1st time:
After 2 days of complete shock I woke up on the 3rd day with odd clarity which led to thoughts of my continuing BV infections. I ran to my doctor's office to get tested for STIs, where I tearfully explained I wanted to tested for every possibly disease. This was extremely difficult because I was alone and completely ashamed. I discovered I contracted HSV, the nurse simply called and coldly relayed said "you have herpes (insert awkward pause) contact the clinic if you have a breakout!" It was as if she just knew I was some whore who slept around and it caught up with me. It was the most dirty feeling I have ever had...I was being judge for his actions.

The second time..
Although I laid out my demands and required transparency from him, I in sited he wear a condom when we were intimate. Then it happened again I felt extremely weird feelings urinating. After busting him again I went back to the doctor in fear of what deadly disease I may have contracted, well this time I was diagnosed with Trichomona!! I know....WHAT THE F WAS I THINKING!! I made him wear a condom...that's the fine print moment that nobody wants to experience (the chance of still contracting a disease). Unbelievable...

I LOVE HIM!!!! I don't know how to stop loving and I don't know how to start loving myself. I will earn my B.S. this fall and as I near that date I am numb beyond what words could describe. The first time I was devastated but the second time there is only anger!

I have punched walls and raged in silence and on paper. But the anger can be all consuming. Through all of this he appears remorseful but I won't let myself believe it. Its like I want to stay in order to punish him and make him hurt the same he hurt me. We are a blended family and I am the only mother my stepson has ever known. He doesn't even recognize his biological mother. I hurt for him and my own son!! All this hurt causes me lose sleep and spend hours surfing look for evidence, support, something else to focus my attention on. I am so glad to be here!!!

norabird... I recently demanded he attend individual counsel and SAA after doing extensive research on the topic. I also in sited he only attend a closed men only group. I am not sure where I am going with all of this but I just want to talk for now... and maybe I will figure something out

Thanks again!!!
Now back to class!


Posts: 2 | Registered: Jun 2014
Gator8
♀ New Member
Member # 36499
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, June 26th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

omg.... i got an std too from my husbands whore. he still questions it to this day 3 years later, even though a year ago he finally had to get treated, why it only just showed up on him then is a mystery but the i told you so was so good!!!!

Posts: 20 | Registered: Aug 2012
Topic Posts: 5

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