WOW!! It is truly comforting to read your responses. I am on a short break between lectures and I will try to shorten this story.
WeepingBuddhist...The 1st time:
After 2 days of complete shock I woke up on the 3rd day with odd clarity which led to thoughts of my continuing BV infections. I ran to my doctor's office to get tested for STIs, where I tearfully explained I wanted to tested for every possibly disease. This was extremely difficult because I was alone and completely ashamed. I discovered I contracted HSV, the nurse simply called and coldly relayed said "you have herpes (insert awkward pause) contact the clinic if you have a breakout!" It was as if she just knew I was some whore who slept around and it caught up with me. It was the most dirty feeling I have ever had...I was being judge for his actions.
The second time..
Although I laid out my demands and required transparency from him, I in sited he wear a condom when we were intimate. Then it happened again I felt extremely weird feelings urinating. After busting him again I went back to the doctor in fear of what deadly disease I may have contracted, well this time I was diagnosed with Trichomona!! I know....WHAT THE F WAS I THINKING!! I made him wear a condom...that's the fine print moment that nobody wants to experience (the chance of still contracting a disease). Unbelievable...
I LOVE HIM!!!! I don't know how to stop loving and I don't know how to start loving myself. I will earn my B.S. this fall and as I near that date I am numb beyond what words could describe. The first time I was devastated but the second time there is only anger!
I have punched walls and raged in silence and on paper. But the anger can be all consuming. Through all of this he appears remorseful but I won't let myself believe it. Its like I want to stay in order to punish him and make him hurt the same he hurt me. We are a blended family and I am the only mother my stepson has ever known. He doesn't even recognize his biological mother. I hurt for him and my own son!! All this hurt causes me lose sleep and spend hours surfing look for evidence, support, something else to focus my attention on. I am so glad to be here!!!
norabird... I recently demanded he attend individual counsel and SAA after doing extensive research on the topic. I also in sited he only attend a closed men only group. I am not sure where I am going with all of this but I just want to talk for now... and maybe I will figure something out
Now back to class!