I had a few concerns:
- he has dealt with relationships, but marriages with families and affairs is not his area of expertise
- he had not heard of either How to Help Your Spouse Heal or NOT Just friends. He didn't have any works to reference to read except Gottman's research.
- he uses imago as his approach to couple counseling, which I thought sounded good for like individual counseling or even some of marriage counseling... but it didn't really sound like an approach that is meant as the main/only approach for affairs. Maybe I misunderstood.
- he told me that he doesn't feel it is useful for the hurt spouse to cycle through asking questions about the affair and my attention should instead turn to focusing on my feelings and developing communication. This seemed to go against what I have read and so far have felt to be true that working through the details is a way of understanding it, working through it, coping, and allowing to move on and be able to focus on emotions, processing it, communication, and larger marital issues
We get free counseling through my insurance, but most of the counselors are aimed at identity, work/stress, depression, alcoholism, sexuality. There are only two that deal with marriages, and neither seems to be actually experienced in affairs/family counseling but moreso just that they did some extra training so that they could take on the marriage cases.
My husband and I have agreed to stick with him and then reassess if his approach is helping, but I'm feeling a bit dubious. Am I overreacting considering this was day 1?
[This message edited by Lark at 3:27 PM, June 25th (Wednesday)]
If your guy has never heard of those books, I do not think he is much of an expert in infidelity. You might want to switch. MC is a subjective science, not quantitative, and ten therapists will give you ten different opinions. You need to have confidence in who you are talking to . I am sure you can find out more than I told you about Imago therapy technique on Google or Yahoo
Yeah he'd never even heard of either book. My first thought is he had a different one to recommend.... nope.
[This message edited by Lark at 8:42 PM, June 25th (Wednesday)]
I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.
Our counselor used imago therapy too. We were taught to communicate using "the model." It was frustrating and didn't work. My WS constantly stopped me because i wasn't "following the model." It was way too difficult with someone who is afraid of intimacy. I'm sure it isn't evil but I HATE it. We wasted years and WH ended up having an EA while we were in counseling.
We have a different MC now who focuses on "Attachment Therapy." I think that is what we needed all along. It might be too late for us though. There is a lot of pain and brokeness in our relationship and we have spent hundreds on MC.