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User Topic: Hopeless
Tryin2Heal
♀ New Member
Member # 43880
Helpless  Posted: 9:57 AM, June 26th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It has been almost 6 months since Dday, and almost 3 months since full truth came out. :-(

I was watching a tv show last night, when BS came into my room (we sleep in separate rooms Ė BSís choice) and asked what I was watching. I told him. He got upset because we had started watching the TV show before he found out. I have forced myself to watch the TV show because it has cheating it in and I wanted to see itís effects Ė thinking it would be a good thing. Well.....to him it wasnít a good thing.

First off, letís start with a little background. I had an EA with a co-worker. We sexted, had smokes together, I sent him pictures and he sent me pictures, we ended up kissing a few times over the course of a month. (Yes I am aware it turned into a PA, it never went past kissing, we never had sex). Then AP started dating someone and I was so hurt. I didnít understand where these emotions were coming from and I went and had sex with someone else.

I felt so guilty after and knew that everything I had done was so wrong, on so many levels and I knew I couldnít take any of it back.

BS found out, and then kicked me out in the middle of the night. We spent 3 days and nights texting and talking on the phone. Then he asked me to come home. I decided to come home because I knew that I wanted to try to make it work.

BS is extremely sensitive, more than most people. I have done everything that he has asked of me. NC with APís, except work related contact with co-worker while we still worked together, which co-worker left 2 months ago.

We tried MC, but it didnít work out. BS is very talkative and can express emotions and I am very meek and timid. I have a hard time, especially lately of expressing any of my emotions with him without him blowing up. I have been in IC for 5 months, which was my idea. I am finding it very helpful. I changed my phone number, I changed my email, I gave him all my passwords, BS can check my phone whenever he wishes, I keep notes of anything that happens at work, I send him pictures to prove where I am and who Iím with. Deactivated my facebook account.

I guess why Iím finally writing my first post after looking at this forum for months is because I donít know what else to do. BS has very low points, to the point where he gets so depressed that he wonít talk to me, calls me a whore and other names (which I agree I deserved in the beginning but there has to be some sort of end point to the name calling), tells me I never would have stopped if he hadnít found out, tells me Iím a horrible person, tells me that I broke him, tells me that I killed him, asks me to just kill him, tells me that I took all the power away from him, tells me not to argue with him, tells me I donít love him, tells me Iím trivializing what happened. BS has also said to me that he doesnít want to be married to me, but he does want to be married to me. BS tells me that he doesnít love me anymore, and then tells me that he does love me. I feel like Iím in limbo and BS refuses to make a decision because he doesnít want to be the one to make the final call to get a divorce, he wants me to do it. I have told my doctor and my therapist both, who have told me that we canít keep going on like this and to make and end point. I have told them (like I have told my BS) that I did make my decision already to stay and make this work.

I feel like BS doesnít love me (and why should he after what I did), but he is too afraid that he wonít find a replacement so he keeps me around because he has nothing else. Why do I think this? BS is on 2 dating sites. No, he does not go on them all the time, but if he wants to work things out, why would he still be on them. Why not get rid of them. :-( (Plus, he doesnít want kids, doesnít want someone with kids or who wants kids. He has that with me. I have always felt like he settled with me, and if he does really want to work it out, then he really will have just settled.)

I sit here and look at his brother who is also a WS to his girlfriend. He cheated with 2 different women for 2 Ĺ years. The she kicked him out. They separated for about 6 months, then she had considered taking him back, then found out he had been seeing one of the girls he had cheated on her with when they split up but no longer was. Now they are back together and happy. (This is also very recent.)

I donít understand why we canít move forward if we want to work it out. To me, what his brother did was far worse then what I did. 2 Ĺ years compared to 1 month (weíll say 3 because he says 5 Ė so Iím compromising), and it ended, everything, after I had sex with someone else 1 time. I have so much guilt and remorse over what I did.

To him, I donít show enough emotion, yet I cry alone in my bed all the time over what I did to him. He wants me to fix him, but how can I fix him if he keeps beating me down and punishing me. He says he mostly doesnít like beating me up (not physically) over it. Yet, to me there is a part of him that wants to punish me, which canít be good. :-( I donít want to be punished anymore. Iíll never forget what I did. Iíll never hurt him or anyone else like this again. Yet he keeps pushing me away. All I want is for him to get better and for us to have a different and better future together.

So after what happened last night, he says he should have stuck with his first statement when he first found out. What he said was ďI want a divorceĒ. The thought of him not being in my life makes me very sad and I cry. I deserve it though, what I did was not forgivable. (I probably sound like Iím making myself out to be the victim, but I know Iím not Ė he is the victim and I have hurt him deeply,) I just donít know how to fix what I have done when he wonít even go see his own therapist which he has said he needs to. He was already a very negative, pessimistic person to begin with and everything I tried before I this even happened never had any impact so I have no idea how to change his way of thinking. I feel only a therapist can do that. :-( Maybe then and only then can we move forward. And if he decides he doesnít want to be with me, then I will respect his decision.


WS (me) 37
BS (him) 40
Dday - Jan 11/14
Together 9 years, Married 7

Posts: 9 | Registered: Jun 2014
Schadenfreude
♂ Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, June 26th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He keeps beating me down and punishing me.

That says it all. That's exactly what he's doing to you and will continue doing it until you or he is so burned out you can't take it any more.

You cannot heal him. He has to heal himself. You can help. (See books on that topic for instance) but unless he wants to be healed he won't heal.

In his defense, you had a revenge affair on the guy you were cheating with? I can see where he thinks he was so low on that totem pole that he was buried underground. You have to figure out the why of that scene by yourself probably via IC. It's pretty obvious you were thinking only of yourself and OM1 at that time.

Is he in IC? Is he on antidepressant meds? Do you repeatedly ask him what you can do right now to help?


Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
Tryin2Heal
♀ New Member
Member # 43880
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, June 26th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We have both been reading After an Affair. He says it helps him gain more perspective. I see it to and it has helped me to identify things from my past that have contributed to this.

He tells me all the time he doesn't want to feel like this but can't help it.

He also tells me all he does is try to fix me. I've told him he can't fix me, I have to fix myself and that I am doing that. My latest book, recommended in therapy is Mind over Mood, which I just started. I think it would be beneficial for him too. I haven't said anything yet and now is not the time since he wants me to leave him alone.

I have figured out why I did why I did it. I won't condone my behaviour but I know I wasn't thinking straight and I was so infatuated (or as they call it on here "in lurv") that it made me do things I wouldn't normally do. My parents separation (at the age of 60) was a huge trigger for me, and that happened 2 years ago, along with lots of stuff in my childhood. Again, no excuse for my behaviour. I was being selfish and trying to make myself feel better, when I should have went to BS.

No he is not in IC or on anti-depressants. I have asked what I can do to help and his response is you shouldn't have cheated on me. I can't get anything else out of him when I ask that question.


WS (me) 37
BS (him) 40
Dday - Jan 11/14
Together 9 years, Married 7

Posts: 9 | Registered: Jun 2014
Mercilesslynuked
♂ Member
Member # 42997
Default  Posted: 11:27 AM, June 26th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Tryin2Heal,

I didn't see a stop sign so I hope you don't mind perspective from a betrayed man. First of all, welcome to SI, I think we're all happy (as happy as can be) that you're here with us!

6 months is still early, the emotions are raw and as such his current state is nothing to be shocked about and likely will persist for quite a while longer. In addition it is possible that it will flare for years to come (read the Betrayed Men forum in I Can Relate for some deeper insight). With that being said it only got better for me when I chose for it to get better; what has he done to heal himself? Is he in IC? Does he have a support group? Is he reading voraciously about infidelity? Is he eating/drinking/sleeping/exercising?

He wants me to fix him, but how can I fix him if he keeps beating me down and punishing me.
You can't make him heal himself, nor can you even push him in that direction but at some point if you are going to have a chance at R it is going to be necessary for him to work on himself. You monumentally shredded his world, but he sadly is the one who controls his own destiny and you can make it easier for him but you cannot fix it all yourself.

I don't see a whole lot of empathy for the pain he is feeling; guilt sure, remorse no. It is something you can work towards as well so that when he is feeling the lows of the roller coaster you can lean into him with some heavy validation and active listening. When I am at my lowest points, my wayward does not run, she does not shy away, she validates my pain and attempts to empathize with me and that makes all the difference. Another thing that she helps me with is taking all of the little things off my plate. I quite honestly do not have the energy to care about cleaning the house or making myself lunches anymore, so she has taken all of that and quite a bit more on for the time being so I can focus on my own healing. She actively shares her plan, her epiphanies and her doubts with me fluidly which eases my mind and again frees me up to focus on self healing, it's not much but these are the actions that show how much she cares and loves me and they make all the difference.

With regards to the comparison to his brother, be careful not to compare pain. Pain is pain, sure the flavor is different to all of us BS's but at the end of the day this is likely one of the most painful experiences any of us will deal with. Do not minimize the pain of your BS by saying "it is not as bad as what your brother did". Even thinking this is leading you down a very dangerous path of not validating how exquisitely you have wounded the very depth of your H's soul.

To him, I donít show enough emotion, yet I cry alone in my bed all the time over what I did to him.
Maybe this is why, show him your emotion rather than doing it alone, vulnerability is one of the most powerful tools in your arsenal towards building bonds.

He says he mostly doesnít like beating me up (not physically) over it. Yet, to me there is a part of him that wants to punish me, which canít be good. :-( I donít want to be punished anymore.
Try to rephrase this as he is letting his rage out. If he was bottling it up, that would be the most unhealthy part. At some point this needs to stop, but for now this is part of his healing. Nearly all BS's rage and from what I can see the average timeframe of true rage lasts approximately 6 months. It might last longer, it might not, but this is a necessary part of his healing. Like he said, he doesn't want to beat you up emotionally but right now it is his only release for the tsunami inside of him. At some point he will need to put the affair hammer down and stop smashing you with it for true R to begin, but in the meantime his use of it is a vital part of his sanity.
Iíll never forget what I did. Iíll never hurt him or anyone else like this again. Yet he keeps pushing me away. All I want is for him to get better and for us to have a different and better future together.
What have you done to heal yourself at this juncture? What are your why's? What work has been done to resolve them? You know the drill around here, be careful not to move past this critical stage.

Stick with it, the road ahead is not a fun one, nor an easy one. But I hope you are able to find that you are stronger than you ever imagined, and keep posting! The wayward spouses here are true warriors and my hope is one day you are able to join the ranks of some of the most brilliant and fierce people that I've met.


Never apologize for having high standards. People who really want to be in your life will rise up to meet them.

D-day 1/6/2014-1/23/2014


Posts: 154 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Colorado
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, June 26th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryin2heal...

To me, what his brother did was far worse then what I did. 2 Ĺ years compared to 1 month (weíll say 3 because he says 5 Ė so Iím compromising)

It really doesn't matter what his brother did because it has absolutely no bearing on what your H is feeling. His brother didn't betray him...you did. Don't compare the two because all that's doing in your H's head is minimizing and dismissing his feelings.

And 3 months out from D-day is still very fresh and raw for you both. There is a lot that your H is trying to process so your patience is something you're really going to need to practice. But he has no business being on dating sites, regardless of the confusing state of mind he's in right now.

What does he say when you bring that up to him?


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 197754 | Registered: May 2002
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, June 26th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I donít want to be punished anymore
.

VERY gently - he doesn't want to have been cheated on any more. He cannot escape this, and he's lashing out to release his hurt, his anger, his frustration at being consumed by thoughts of this.

If you're reading, then I'm sure you've seen the general guideline that affairs take 3 to 5 years to recover from. That's years, not months. You are only 3 months from full disclosure. Also, the anger phase generally starts at about 6 months post DDay, which is where you are. This is an extremely long and painfully difficult road you're on.

Also, you're making his rages about you. You say you don't want to be punished. He isn't punishing you. He's in so much pain and he has absolutely no way to let go of it. Trust me on this -he would give anything, absolutely anything, to not feel like this, for even a day. There is no escape for a BS, particularly a new BS, which at 3 months from full disclosure, he definitely qualifies for.

Please don't minimize your actions by comparing them to others. The only ones that matter are your and your BHs. What the rest of the world is up to is of no matter at all.

He should NOT be on dating sites, period. He is either working towards R or he's not. If he's not, he needs to let you know that. If he is, then dating sites are absolutely off limits.

2 Ĺ years compared to 1 month (weíll say 3 because he says 5 Ė so Iím compromising)

Compromising? Is this sarcasm? How long was the EA? You stated you kissed a few times over a month. I assume this was after some time of pure EA. This statement really feels like you're downplaying the A and mocking your H's feelings. I'm sorry, but that's what it sounds like to me. Have you written a full timeline for your H? If so, that should give you both the actual timeline of events.

I get the feeling, after reading your post, that you deeply regret your actions for the pain that they've caused. It doesn't seem like you've yet reached remorse, and there seems to be little empathy, and in fact a growing frustration, for your BH. You want him to be 'over this' and you want to move forward. You haven't accepted that he's stuck in the past. An A, to a BS, is the equivalent of dropping a bomb. His entire world, self esteem, security, etc - gone, just like that. Your As may not, in hindsight, have meant that much to you, but to your H, they meant everything. He needs time to process what has happened, to determine if he is capable of working past this to R, to determine if he wants to do so, and then, after all of this, can he decide what the best course of action is. He's still processing.

I have told my doctor and my therapist both, who have told me that we canít keep going on like this and to make and end point

Most experts recommend waiting 6 months before even deciding to D or R. Your H is barely there, and with TT, he's only 3 months in. No offense, but it doesn't sound like your IC is very experienced with infidelity, and your doctor isn't a mental health professional, so I really don't think he/she should be giving such advice. It's not their field, so any comments on it from your doctor are merely the opinions of your doctor.

If you don't have the patience for this, then please let your H know this and let him go. This is going to be long, and it's probably going to be the mot difficult thing you'll ever do. If you aren't up for it, and you are already feeling like this is punishment and you want it to stop, then maybe R isn't in the cards for you. That isn't an insult. R is hard - very hard. Not everyone makes it despite years of effort.

I hope this post has helped you see things from a different point of view, and I hope you and your H find a way to heal from this.



The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1893 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
holesinmybucket
♀ New Member
Member # 43621
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, June 26th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BS here..I did not see a stop sign so I hope my reply is okay

It has been almost 6 months since Dday, and almost 3 months since full truth came out

same for me..dday 6 mths ago full truth 3 months

We tried MC, but it didnít work out. BS is very talkative and can express emotions and I am very meek and timid. I have a hard time, especially lately of expressing any of my emotions with him without him blowing up. I have been in IC for 5 months, which was my idea

WH and I tried MC, however I was not comfortable with this. I felt very strongly that it was a waste of time to try and heal the marriage, until my WH was able to fix some of his broken. For me, his working hard on him was key to me even being willing to work on us. I go with him to some of the therapy and we are now kind of doing MC and IC in combination.

I feel like BS doesnít love me (and why should he after what I did), but he is too afraid that he wonít find a replacement so he keeps me around because he has nothing else. Why do I think this? BS is on 2 dating sites.

For me, after dday there was a monumental shift in my value and worth. My bucket was empty and all I wanted was validation from others. I have always had a strong sense of self worth and somehow after dday I was no longer able validate myself. I started to resent the very aspects in myself that kept me focused on my core values. This is a very dangerous game, because when we loose touch with our own values, it would not take much to send me down that slippery slope of ego stroking. I was very honest with my WH and oddly, this kept me accountable to him and myself. My WH made it his goal to keep my bucket full, until I was able to validate myself, again. I believe, this was very helpful for me, as he would continually, complement and would thank me for staying another day. He has done this almost everyday for probably 3 mths. I know, however that my WH can not carry that load forever, so I work very hard on once again being able to validate myself. The urge to make WH feel my pain or get external validation from someone other than my WH has diminished quite a bit in the last 2 months.

Yet, to me there is a part of him that wants to punish me, which canít be good. :-( I donít want to be punished anymore.

I can not speak for your BH, however for me it was never about punishment, but I am quite sure my WH would say he felt punished :) On dday, something inside me broke. My sense of reality was broken, my dreams gone and all that was left was this vacuum of emptiness, regret, anger and pain. All brought to me courtesy of my WH, so for a time I held a lot of resentment for what he has delivered upon me. One thing that helped me let go of that, was coming to understand that I have always been able to leave and I chose to stay and I can choose to leave at any point in the future. Understanding that I have a choice, also led me to choice to "forgive" not for him, but for me. This has helped me understanding my anger and letting it go.

Best wishes to you and your BH :)


me:BW 37
him:WH 37 (Dr. Jekyll)
DDay: 1/1/14
Whole truth:March 7th 14

DS 14 DS 10 DD 8
They are the sun that shine through any storm.

Love is not given away, but shared
When you have lost what matters.. what do you have left to loose?


Posts: 36 | Registered: Jun 2014
Tryin2Heal
♀ New Member
Member # 43880
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, June 26th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want to thank you all for replying. It does help give me the strenght to keep trying.

I just want to say a couple things:
I am by no means comparing what his brother did to what I did (part of my issue is not being able to communicate effective and express what I am thinking - it always comes out wrong). Infidelity is wrong no matter what and it hurts people the same no matter the difference. I was more trying to convey that people can try to work things out, but now I know not to mention it again - so thank you for the input.

I guess when I don't want to be punished anymore, it's me being hurt by his words and that's selfish. (A soft spot for me that brings back pain from my teenage years - I was called a whore by my best friend for 2 years and never knew why) I know when he lets his rage out that it's not personal.

I know if I want this to work I need patience. I don't expect him to "get over" this. I know it's not simple. I know it takes years.

Again thank you all for your perspectives. It really helps and I'm going to take it all and try to do more (then I have so far) to help him so he can help himself. I really do want him to heal and get better.


WS (me) 37
BS (him) 40
Dday - Jan 11/14
Together 9 years, Married 7

Posts: 9 | Registered: Jun 2014
Tryin2Heal
♀ New Member
Member # 43880
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, June 26th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

painfulpast

Compromising? Is this sarcasm? How long was the EA? You stated you kissed a few times over a month. I assume this was after some time of pure EA. This statement really feels like you're downplaying the A and mocking your H's feelings. I'm sorry, but that's what it sounds like to me. Have you written a full timeline for your H? If so, that should give you both the actual timeline of events.

It's not compromising and it's not sarcasm. He thinks it started sooner then it did. EA was probably 2 weeks before we kissed. So all in all, affair with co-worker lasted 2 months total EA & PA. Yes we have done a timeline.


WS (me) 37
BS (him) 40
Dday - Jan 11/14
Together 9 years, Married 7

Posts: 9 | Registered: Jun 2014
Tryin2Heal
♀ New Member
Member # 43880
Default  Posted: 2:06 PM, June 26th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mercilesslynuked

With that being said it only got better for me when I chose for it to get better; what has he done to heal himself? Is he in IC? Does he have a support group? Is he reading voraciously about infidelity? Is he eating/drinking/sleeping/exercising?

He is trying to heal himself, but not getting anywhere. Everything seems to be a trigger for him. Even watching TV - if there is cheating, he gets upset and thinks about what I did. He is not currently in IC. He made an attempt but the guy was too expensive. I know there are others out there but he (as far as I know) hasn't made any other attempt to contact somebody different. He has a couple friends that he has talked to about this, but he says they have kids and a family and don't need this or don't have time. He is eating, drinking (more beer then usual but only 2 max due to a sever reaction if he drinks more than that), his sleeping is not good, he wakes up and can't get back to sleep because he keeps thinking about it, and he lifts weights probably twice a week. He can barely function as this consumes his thoughts.

What have you done to heal yourself at this juncture? What are your why's? What work has been done to resolve them? You know the drill around here, be careful not to move past this critical stage.

So far I go to IC for 5 months now. I have been reading books as well. Not sure I understand you question "What are your why's". I understand what my personal issues are and am working on changing the way I think about things and myself. I understand this is an important stage to go through so that we can both be better in the end (together or apart).


WS (me) 37
BS (him) 40
Dday - Jan 11/14
Together 9 years, Married 7

Posts: 9 | Registered: Jun 2014
Tryin2Heal
♀ New Member
Member # 43880
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, June 26th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Deeply Scared

What does he say when you bring that up to him?

When I asked him about it, he said he told me he had signed up for them but didn't have the one anymore. Then proceeded to get very angry and almost threatened divorce and then we hardly spoke for a week, not that I didn't try. Then about two weeks later he told me that he went on them and everytime he did it made him sick to his stomach. I'm afraid to bring it up again because I don't want to set him off again but I also don't want him to be on them if he does really want to make this work. I will just be patient at this point.


WS (me) 37
BS (him) 40
Dday - Jan 11/14
Together 9 years, Married 7

Posts: 9 | Registered: Jun 2014
heartbroken0903
♀ Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, June 26th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was more trying to convey that people can try to work things out,

I'm 4 years out and I still get the urge to compare or feel like, "WTF? Such-and-so's spouse wants to reconcile and he/she was WAY worse than I was (insert XYZ reason there); must be nice!" << Of course, thought of in a snotty/sarcastic tone. Four YEARS and I'm still working on not being a bitch. It's a process.

Not everyone wants to R. It is hard to see couples in R after one of them royally fucks up. But remember that your BH isn't the same as your brother's GF and can't be expected to react the same.

I'd suggest waiting a year to see if things improve. Work on yourself for that whole time with no expectation for your H. By that point you'll know better where things stand.


Me: XWS, 30s, 5-month EA/PA in '09-'10
Husband: XBS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciled and remarried.


Posts: 2136 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
Mercilesslynuked
♂ Member
Member # 42997
Default  Posted: 4:33 PM, June 26th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryin2Heal,

I apologize for being unclear, that specific set of questions were more meant for your introspection and I should have been clear! I'm happy you're searching for your why's and rewiring your coping mechanisms and thought processes; it says quite a bit about your personal character that you're willing to come here and seek assistance.

With regards to his healing, IC has proved generally meaningless to me because SI contains more knowledge than 1000 counselors. That's not to say he shouldn't go to IC, I wholeheartedly believe it is still valuable. It is just saying that the biggest aide to me was SI. I read it 40-60 hrs per week if not more (good luck paying for that much IC!) for a few months before I even began to post here.

-Just hearing stories in JFO helped me realize I was not alone and it reinforced that being betrayed said absolutely zero about who I am as a person.
-Reading the wayward forum gave me hope that my wayward could change and really showed me what "the finish line" so to speak looked like. It helped me realize what I would settle for and what I wouldn't. It let helped me figure out what I was looking for whereas before it would have been a stab in the dark at best.
-Reading Reconciliation gave me some insight as to the depth of specific issues I had never considered (exposure therapy, reframing specific issues that had been bothering me, this list is exceedingly vast).
-And lastly the Betrayed Men Thread in I Can Relate was able to tackle some of the finer points of the special blend of being a betrayed man.

I guess my question is, would he be willing to augment his healing with SI while he gets his feet back under him? As BS's we need a foundation to begin upon prior to finding the strength to really dig into the self healing and I truly believe the wisdom here is worth a thousand counselors.


Never apologize for having high standards. People who really want to be in your life will rise up to meet them.

D-day 1/6/2014-1/23/2014


Posts: 154 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Colorado
Owl6118
♂ Member
Member # 42806
Default  Posted: 4:34 PM, June 26th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear Tryin--

I think you will find good counsel here.

May I ask your pardon for a very brief threadjack?

MercilesslyNuked--you post conveyed a really impressive combination of confidence and compassion. I hope very much that it means you are finding what you need to get to a better place.

Together or not, I wish you and your GF well. But I kinda hope its together.


Posts: 62 | Registered: Mar 2014
Tryin2Heal
♀ New Member
Member # 43880
Default  Posted: 11:04 PM, June 27th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mercilesslynuked,

Thank you for your feedback.

I do have a personal question if you don't mind? (if you do that's ok to, I understand) and seeing as you are also a BH, I need to ask for my sanity and to get a better perspective on my BH.

First a little more history. A week after he first found out, he kicked me out of the house in the middle of the night. I had no where to go, no close family near by and everybody was asleep. Finally at 8 in the morning (after having to call in to work sick) a friend let me crash at her place. I didn't end up crashing. My H and I were texting the whole time, 3 days of back and forth. He finally asked me to come home, that he wanted me to come home. I knew when I decided to come home that I was making the decision to make the marriage work and that it was going to be a lot of work.

Needless to say, I have been called every name in the book and I have taken it with as much grace as I can, and listened to him when he is hurting and mad and angry, and really needs to let things out. I try to be normal (by normal I mean do things around the house that need to be done and just regular daily activities), and I get told I don't care. ***Not trying to diminish the pain he is going through, but I once told him that in order for me to be strong for him I needed to try to be normal and do normal things. Is that wrong of me to want to be at my strongest to help him so he can get better?

Now my question is - is it normal for a BH to say to his wife, over text, while she is at work, "Piss off and die you worthless c&@t!", six months after dday? (And please take into consideration that 2 days prior he had told me he loved me SO much)

Any perspective from a BH is greatly appreciated. I'm trying to be strong for him so he can work on himself, but I guess I'm just in a low point myself and feel very defeated at the moment.


WS (me) 37
BS (him) 40
Dday - Jan 11/14
Together 9 years, Married 7

Posts: 9 | Registered: Jun 2014
Mercilesslynuked
♂ Member
Member # 42997
Default  Posted: 11:53 PM, June 27th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No worries Tryin, when I found out, I also kicked my wayward out which is highly normal. The callous manner he did it in is not my style but I also cannot really blame him while hes in complete shock mode. If he did it at six months out the same way without just cause... That would indicate something different IMHO. Youre a human and deserve to be treated as such despite your poor choices.

Everything else you see with regards to the anger is not out of the normal. I process slightly different from most and have refrained from name calling and the like, but some of the BHs I respect heavily went through this phase in spades. One guy did this for two, yes two, years until he realized how hard his wayward was trying and how healed she had become. He's now eight years out, happily reconciled and a pillar to the community. For that matter she's a sight to behold herself, so keep hope, theres a goal and light at the end of the tunnel it is just gonna be tough for a long while.

His two day shift from loving you to name calling is par for the course, fun roller coaster we're all on huh? It is said that anger is a mask for a separate emotion(s). Figuring those out will be paramount to the cessation of hostility so to speak. This is where empathy is critical; you'll never be able to fully comprehend how you've changed him and hurt him, but the closer you get to feeling and sharing his pain the more pain you'll eventually be able to shoulder and take off his plate. Unless he's typically just a complete asshole, then expect it to continue but based on what you've said he does not appear to be, instead It appears he is having an excruciatingly hard time coping (and who can blame him). It will HAVE to stop sooner or later for you guys to reconcile though.

With regards to the around the house stuff, it helps him with coping as he has far less to worry about. He may not be grateful outwardly but inwardly it is a sigh of relief even if he does not realize this. The more things like this you can do the more multiplicative the benefit. Some ideas in addition to the daily stuff that I've found helpful:

-pack him lunches, you're not his mother but right now feeding himself is probably hard. This is also an excellent excuse to slip him a message of love or empathy or apology.
-massage him to sleep, you'd be SHOCKED at how ridiculously tense our bodies get after trauma.
-Simpy be creative, anticipate needs he doesn't even realize he has, he may shut you down sometimes for self defense but keep trying. He is indeed watching and internally taking note.

The biggest thing that helps me though is when I can see how hard my wayward is trying to fix her shit it is the number one priority in her life, everything revolves around and and the byproduct is I actually feel like her number one priority. Keep doing this no matter what! Best of luck and keep posting/asking/learning.

Slight t/j - owl thank you for the inquiry, Ill shoot you a pm this weekend with an update!


Never apologize for having high standards. People who really want to be in your life will rise up to meet them.

D-day 1/6/2014-1/23/2014


Posts: 154 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Colorado
BrokenButTrying
♀ Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 3:57 AM, June 28th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryin - The anger is normal. It's because he's hurting. Do you have kids? If not, have you ever seen a parent who's child has run out in the road? What's the parent's immediate reaction? To shout! They lecture the child on the dangers of running in the road, "DON'T YOU EVER DO THAT AGAIN" is often shouted very loudly! Thing is, the parent isn't really angry. They are scared. I'm a mum and the fear that grips your heart in that moment is like nothing else. Your blood runs ice cold. I shout because I'm absolutely bloody terrified. Anger is a secondary emotion, it masks the feelings underneath.

Gently, you are not six months out. Please reframe your thinking on this. You are three months out. Three months ago your BH had his second Dday, it's only been three months since he found out the truth. Anything that came before that second Dday counts for nothing. It reset the clock.

You cannot force a cut off point for his anger, he has to get there himself. Be patient. Of course that's not saying you should be verbally abused for an indefinite period of time. He has to take responsibility for his own healing and work through his feelings but anger and name calling at three months out is very, very normal.

MercilesslyNuked has given really outstanding advice. Read his posts over and over again. Make them imprint on your brain. Painfulpast has also give stellar advice, listen to her.


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - 01/10 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1235 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
Topic Posts: 17

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