I think that false R is so very hard because they knew the consequences to us and still, they chose to inflict the same pain, to make the same choice.
Yes, I know it is not about me but it sure does feel that way. I keep hearing that voice in my head, "if he loved me, respected me, cared at all, he could not have possibly watched me suffer and then just as I was starting to recover done the exact same thing again"
I do know that it is because of him, who he is, not because I am not enough but because he is not enough.
We are currently separated, D is filed. He says he is different now. I do not trust and I don't know if I ever will.
That is on him too. The words don't have a whole lot of meaning. Actions are the only thing that will matter to me.
What are those actions??? I don't even know yet, I don't even know if they exist.
The first time I was doing everything I could to show him the way. He did not want to see it.
This time it is all up to him to show me that he deserves for me to consider giving him another chance. It is up to him to figure out how to do that. It is up to him to learn what works. It is up to him to prove to me that he is driven, that he cares, that he understands, to dig into himself and recognize and change the parts of him that allowed him to betray himself and cause such damage to me.
For me now, I just watch very carefully. I keep myself safe. I protect myself from him by knowing that I don't have to decide anything until I am ready. I am working on me.
The hardest part for me was letting go of control. If he did not want to R in a real way there was nothing in the world that I could do about that. I can only respond to his actions in a way that is healthy for me.
I hope this helps. It is hard. It hurts and every day I have to remind myself that I will be okay no matter what he does because I have the choice to allow him in my life or not. The only one I can control is me.
Hard, hard lessons."So often times it happens, that we live our lives in chains and we never even know we have the key"
I would now like to be known as Can!
dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
attempted R, it was all a lie